by Angela Peach
"Fuck. That must be awful. Do you get them a lot?"
I took the coffee from her and shut my eyes as I took a gulp of the now lukewarm fluid.
"Pretty much every night, but they've got a lot worse lately. Like Fred Krueger worse."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
I shivered. It all felt very fucking real now — too real.
"You already do sweetie." I checked the clock on the wall although I knew it would be just a few minutes past seven forty-one, the same time I woke every single day. Ness would be here in forty-five minutes.
"Did you draw this?" Malena asked, standing in front of my newest piece and regarding it with the same puzzled expression she'd been wearing when I woke up. I stood next to her and exhaled deeply as I took it in, the dark lines of a large contorted self-portrait where one side appeared to be screaming in agony and the other in fury. It was a clever piece, but I detested every stroke of the charcoal.
“Yes, I did."
"It's dark."
"It's my nightmare."
She took my hand shyly and gave it a gentle squeeze, her eyes catching mine briefly then skittering away. I flushed with unexpected heat. What was it about this girl that affected me so much? Hoping I didn't have terrible morning breath, I pulled her round and cupped her cheeks in my palms, moving in for a kiss. Evidently not caring what my breath was like, she pressed her soft lips against mine, her body melting against mine, her tongue tangling with mine. Our pants were pulled open in a flurry as the kissing intensified and when I slid my fingers into her she groaned loudly as if it was some kind of elixir she'd been craving for a long time. My clit pulsed in time with hers as I thrust into her, and when she managed to twist her hand between my legs I gasped loudly, unable to stop my eyes rolling. She pushed me to the wall, biting and sucking at sensitive areas of my neck and with a few quick moves on her part, brought me to a loud climax. Hers followed not long after while I was still riding my wave and I watched her flushed face as she came round. We stared at each other as our ragged breathing steadied.
"I think I'm close to fallin' for you."
The whispered words sounded scared and she looked like she might burst into tears at any second.
"Ditto."
We fell into a hug, gripping and holding on as if our lives depended on it. Truth of the matter was...I actually felt like I was falling for her, and it did scare me. Lord only knew how she must have been feeling. Eventually we moved apart and did up our pants, almost embarrassed at our joint confession.
"So, I came over to ask if you'd come with me to see Pop. Y'know...obviously not see her, but..."
"Sure. I promised to take Ness to her rehearsal first though. Can I meet you at about ten and go then?" As I said this I watched closely for her reaction, expecting her to blow up or lose her shit again, but she just tucked some loose strands of hair behind her ear and nodded. We agreed on a neutral place to meet up, I thanked her for the coffee, and just like that she was gone. It was still only five to eight.
I went indoors and showered before Ness arrived and when I came back down, found mom scowling at me from the kitchen.
"You, young lady, have a lot to answer for."
"Huh? What'd I do now?"
"You know full and well what I mean. They..." she dropped her voice to a hushed whisper, "...they run a house of sin over there, and you've been getting involved with them!"
"Oh for Pete's sake mom, it's not what you think! I don't know what you've heard but it's wrong."
"We had a street meeting last night over at Phil's house and we think if we can get enough signatures on a petition, we can maybe force them out!"
"You...what? Who? What are you talking about?" I spluttered, feeling my stress levels elevate even further.
"About half the block turned up to discuss the extra-curricular activities of that house and we all made a unified decision that we weren't going to just sit back and let them corrupt our community with their sinful ways."
"What? Why would you do that? They just want to be left alone. Sheesh mom, this is the twenty-first century, not the middle ages! Did you know their daughter, Ness, is competing in ice dancing at a National level soon? She's just as normal as you and me."
I could tell mom didn't care if Ness was an International pop star with ten number one singles under her belt — she wasn't a God fearing child and that meant she would never be as normal as us (although I'd never been any kind of normal but I guess she was able to overlook it because I was under her careful watch.)
"Nikki, they are conducting themselves in a very loose manner and this is one community that is not just gonna sit back and let the darkness spread through like a disease. Something has to be done and WILL be done." She pursed her lips to mark the end of the discussion, just as there was a knock at the door. Jutting out my chin defiantly I said,
"That'll be Ness. I'm taking her to the rink and I will talk to you later — we are not done here." And with that I grabbed my keys and lids and stalked out, slamming the door behind me. I was ashamed of my own mother, enough so that I couldn't tell Ness what had just occurred. To give Ness her dues, she didn't question me on why I was so angry — she simply pulled the lid over her head and climbed quietly on the back of my bike while I revved far too much torque out of the engine. I wanted to gun it out of there, but Ness's arms around my waist were a calming influence and I pulled my shit together enough to not burn rubber.
"I'm sorry about that. It's my mom, she's trying to spearhead a campaign I don't agree with," I explained when we reached our destination and I was able to form words without spitting. "And Nick's esta came through — she's gonna be flying out tonight, so my guess is that she'll be here tomorrow night."
"Oh, shit. I wasn't expecting it to happen this quick."
"Me neither." I scratched my head, feeling the heat moistening my hair even at this early hour. For some reason, I had the irrational thought that it was blood and not sweat and I found myself checking my fingertips but there was no sign of red. I exhaled slowly. "Look, please don't let this affect you. I don't want you losing focus on your skating because of me, okay? I feel like a grade A shit for even bringing it up now."
"Don't worry, I'll be fine. Skating's kinda like my way of getting shit outta my system so it might even help my performance," she reassured. "You coming in or shooting off?"
"I said I'd go with Malena to Poppy's grave but I'd like to come by after if that's okay?" She nodded and jogged towards the side entrance for the rink, giving a quick wave before disappearing inside.
*** *** ***
"Pop was always the one had it easy. I reckon part of that was cos she just didn't give a fuck about what anyone thought," Malena laughed quickly, then sobered up again almost instantly when it threatened to turn into a sob. "I always envied her. I kinda hated her because I wanted it to be that easy for me too, but I cared too much what people thought about me. I always wanted mom and dad's approval and goddammit I had to work so freakin' hard to get it. I guess all that hard work just made me uptight and resentful." She sniffed and looked at her hands twisting together in her lap. "You wanna hear something that's real fucked up? When I was about thirteen, I told Pop I liked girls, y'know, more'n I liked boys. A couple a years later, she came out and told mom and dad she thought she was gay. I was so angry with her for copying me, and for having the strength I didn't have to come out...so I just bottled it all up and pretended I was straight. I felt like she'd done it on purpose or something and I carried all this secret resentment around for years. Don't get me wrong, I loved Poppy more'n anything — aside from being my sister it was near on impossible not to, you know? But deep inside...I hated her."
"She was leading the life you wanted." I said quietly. She nodded.
"And when she died, I realised I didn't hate her at all...I hated myself for not being stronger, for not going out and getting what I wanted. And now she's gone..." Malena hesitated, looking guiltily at the ground in front of us as if
Poppy might rise from the coffin below and claw her way up, "...now she's gone I feel like I've got my life back. I can be all the things I wanted to be. Why is that?"
I swallowed uncomfortably. Was this how Nick felt about me? Beneath the dark fury and bitter resentment was she just someone struggling with life because she got dealt a different hand? If she managed to kill me would she feel free and be able to live the life she'd always craved?
"I don't know. Do you think you coulda come to this point if she hadn't died though? I mean, couldn't you both have lived the lives you both wanted without hating each other?"
"I would never have explored my sexuality. It was bad enough for mom and dad that one daughter was gay — I'd never have broken them by admitting I was too so I just kinda settled, looked for guys who were timid and quiet and didn't want much from me. As for Pop, well she never hated on me at all. She was always happy, woulda done anything for me, you know? She was the perfect sister." She looked me in the eye. "It's shitty, right? I feel like all the hatred and resentment dissolved when she died and I was left with sadness and pain...but I was also reborn and I felt free."
We stayed at Poppy's graveside for another hour, occasionally talking but mostly thinking, deep in thought. I felt more confused than ever, but now at least I had a clearer understanding of Nick and her motivation for getting rid of me. I just didn't know if I'd be able to do anything to persuade her not to.
*** *** ***
I managed to catch a couple of hours of Ness skating, but it was enough to soothe the jagged lines around my soul. She was dancing to three songs for the scout, feeling the difference in tempos would be able to highlight as many of her abilities and skills as possible. The first was an old Tina Arena tune, 'Chains' where the song built up from a gentle ballad to a passionate plea. The powerful words brought me out in goosebumps and I felt extra chilled to the bone as I listened to them. The second song was an old Aretha Franklin one, 'Think' and it raised the tempo up as Ness swooped and dove around the ice. The final song was a beautiful classic — 'Time To Say Goodbye’. Something about her song choices bothered me deeply, but I knew she hadn't based them on my situation so it must've just been a coincidence.
Whatever I thought about her reasoning for choosing them, they were excellent choices and I couldn't envisage the scout not being completely entranced by how she dominated the ice. Ness had a way of owning your attention before you noticed it had been stolen.
Before we went home she let me buy her dinner at an excellent seafood restaurant I knew and I told her about my conversation with Malena. She agreed how similar the situations seemed.
We rode home, both of us remarkably relaxed considering what lay ahead of us the next day, and when I found Malena was waiting for me at my door, a shy smile on her face, I couldn't help but feel a surge of contentment.
I didn't want the day to end, but I knew it had to. One thing was for sure — no matter what happened tomorrow, today had been pretty perfect.
*** *** ***
What should you do on your potentially final day alive?
I spent the morning (and some of the afternoon) making love with Malena and for lunch we ordered a pizza that was big enough to feed a family of ten. She left at three, giving me plenty of time to freshen up and get down to the rink for five. Because Wednesdays were quite quiet anyway, and the scout was a pretty big deal to happen here in Saloam Springs, they'd closed up for the evening to give Ness total freedom and concentration. I mean let's face it, if she got into Nationals, this place would make the headlines so it was worth losing a few bucks tonight.
I walked in through the private side entrance feeling incredibly nervous. Amanda and Kev were here already, standing at the edge of the ice and chatting to a lady who could only be the revered scout while Ness glided around the ice, doing a few little jumps and spins to warm up. I nodded to Amanda — she smiled warmly and waved back. No hard feelings there then.
As I took a seat in the stands, I wondered where Nick was. Her flight would be ready to land soon and then...it was showtime for us. I was no closer to working out a plan to pacify her — I HAD debated offering her the small fortune I had put away, but could tell that wouldn't be enough for her. She wanted all or nothing and this world wasn't big enough for the two of us.
After what seemed like an agonisingly long wait, Amanda and Kev came to sit with me. The scout, a lady in her early forties, went to find her own viewing spot. I could barely breathe! Ness got into position on the ice and everything went quiet...
"This is so surreal. I still can't believe...did she say what I thought she said or did I imagine it?"
"Depends. If you thought she said it was one of the most superb performances she'd ever come to watch on a non-International level then no, you heard right," I said, smiling proudly. Ness and I were sitting on a makeshift picnic blanket on the ice and eating a large bag of potato chips and various bars of candy.The janitor had left Ness in charge of locking up after we left, letting us celebrate in a nice quiet fashion on our own.
"I know it might sound weird but I didn't actually believe I had a chance. I'm going through to National level Nikki! OH MY GOD!" Ness threw herself back onto the ice and screamed her elation, the noise echoing round the empty rink. I laughed and chucked a square of chocolate at her mouth but hit her ear instead. She laughed back and fished it out of her hair, throwing it back. She was glowing — she was sublime.
"I'm think I’m in love with Malena but I think I'm falling for you too," I blurted, unable to stop myself. Ness looked up at me, still smiling.
“No, you're not."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean no, you're not falling in love with me. You're just confused is all."
"Yes, I am."
"How many friends do you have, Nikki?"
"What? What's that got to do with it?"
"Because you don't really have any, do you? As far as I can tell, you just have lots of girlfriends but no actual friends that you don't sleep with. You and I, we connect very easily, right? I think maybe you're just mistaking our friend connection for a romantic one because you've never had it before," Ness explained patiently. I stared at her, dumb for a minute as I took it in and chewed it over. "C'mon Nikki, even if I was gay, we'd never make it as a couple, and you know that, deep in your heart. But as friends...we can go a long way."
She was right. I knew she was right. And she knew I knew she was right because she laughed again. "I can't believe you're a friend virgin!"
I laughed at the absurdity and truth of her comment.
"You're like my first! Does that mean you're gonna break my heart?"
"I'll try not to. Usually the job of a friend is to help mend them with ice cream and hugs after a horrible break-up though."
My heart warmed — I had a new girlfriend and a best friend all in the space of a day. Even as I was starting to glow myself, I suddenly noticed the time — it was two minutes to my pass-out time.
"Shit! Oh...shit, I've only got two minutes!" I said, jumping awkwardly to my feet. "Is there anywhere I can crash until the morning?"
"We could go to the viewing box? Follow me, I'll bring blankets after I've shown you where it is!" Ness said running carefully across the ice. She took me to a box that had a large floor to ceiling window, offering a perfect view of the entire rink.
"Wow!"
"I'll stay here with you if you want? Make sure you're okay? The doors are all locked downstairs."
"Are you sure she wouldn't be able to get in?"
I didn't hear her reply as I fell to the floor.
CHAPTER TWELVE
My memories of being young are few and far between. In fact, I have very few memories at all. My mind is like a sieve that sometimes holds on to a thought or an image or a dream and I try to make it into sense. That’s been the way of my life for as long as I am able to recall. These jumbled pieces of glass that thrown together might make a beautiful coloured window, seem in my mind, a puzzle where I cannot
quite move the pieces to the correct place. And if I could, I would have the window in a church where worshippers would fall to their knees and weep at the beauty.
After I had spoken to Mr Chan, I phoned the Norwegian stunner who lived below me. I am going to be honest now before it is too late. That Freya is a stunner, she is gorgeous. She brought some kind of life into my dead heart before Helena returned and I cannot forget that. There are things I cannot remember and there are things I wish I could forget.
Life is a fine line between dreams and memories, wishes and hopes. Step the wrong way and you could be knee-deep in a love that doesn’t belong to your heart. I am treading my way through the treacle footsteps that hinder me, all the while my heart is raging forward. Therein lies my problem. If my heart didn’t rage, then neither would I. I am held — torn, suspended — with my love for Helena and the dream of someone else who might tear me away from this life.
A hand slaps me.
The harsh pain brings me back to life. I swallow, as my eyes look around, gaining their knowledge from the familiarity of surroundings.
“WHO THE FUCK AM I?” I scream.
I begin to cry because a broken heart will show itself first from the eyes and you have to look closer to see the signs of heartache. Only one broken heart can recognise another. Pain reaches out to make a sibling of its ache, searching for some comfort.
Every sorrow seeks a mirror.
“Sh,” she says, her soft fingers stroking my hair, bringing me close. I shut my eyes, scared to see what torture love would lay before me.
“I could love you,” I whisper, my heart beating like a tattered old drum.
“You do love me,” she whispered back, her cool voice laying ice over the fears that were taking root in my mind. “And that’s the reason you will leave me.”
My big, fat gob shut itself as I took in the words she said.
“Oh,” she sighed. “You have to leave me.”
“What?”
“You have to leave me.”
Freya took my face in her hands, her eyes wide with tears and I found I could see my soul as I looked into her.