by Ana Mardoll
I alone of all things
fret with unsluiced fire
and there is no quenching
in the night for Sappho
"It's a poem," I realize, looking up at her. "But it doesn't rhyme."
"It's my poem," she replies with a laugh. "It doesn't need to."
"Sappho, are you ready to help with the curtains?" Chloe's voice drifts over the water. I glance up to see her already out of the pool and toweling her hair dry.
"Yeah!" Sappho chirrups, twisting back to face the shore. Grabbing my arm on an impulse, she yanks me forward. "C'mon, Aniyah, you can help too."
I wince when she pulls me, sharp pain shooting up my spine. Drawing back, I try not to yelp as I disengage from her grip. "Coming," I manage to choke out, biting my lip against the throbbing ache that settles in after the sharp pain recedes. She gives me a funny look, concern mingling with confusion, but splashes forward, trusting me to follow.
The curtains are made from the same heavy brown canvas used to cordon off the toilet. Chloe climbs onto one of the stone beds clustered on the side of the cavern furthest from the golden doors. Heather stands nearby, listlessly handing up armfuls of rough cloth to her. I'm impressed that the pain in her wounded arm doesn't bother her, only to remember she can't feel it. I can't decide whether I'm unsettled or envious.
Sappho chooses a bed nearer the center of the room, where the slope of the ceiling is higher. She climbs up and raises her hands above her head, her arms stretching to become almost as long as I am tall. As Imani hands up the cloth, Sappho affixes the material to hooks set in the ceiling, creating a shelter around the stone platform. "We'll need to do two extra for the newcomers," Imani reminds her. "I think we have enough cloth, but we should ask Handler for more when he comes at first bell, just in case."
"What are the curtains for?" I ask, toweling off by the pool. I'm last out of the water but Miyuki lingers by the edge, fiddling with her clothing. "Are you okay?" I add in a softer voice, anxious not to disturb the others.
"I'm fine." Her smile is kind, yet hesitant. "Actually, I was going to ask you: do you want help dressing?"
I hesitate at the unexpected offer. "You're sure you don't mind?" I don't want to be a bother, but I'm grateful for her assistance; my back still throbs painfully and the twists and turns needed to wrap our clothes around us are more difficult than the other girls made it look.
Heather doesn't turn around, handing up more cloth to Chloe. "To block out the sun while we sleep," she says in answer to my earlier question. "It's easier and more comfortable to sleep in the dark."
I hadn't thought of this. I tilt my head to peer up at the hole in the ceiling where sunlight floods in. Only the table in the center of the cavern lies directly in the light; the beds have been cut farther back into the shade. Still, I imagine it would be difficult to relax with all that glittering brightness nearby.
"Doesn't the sun ever go away?" Miyuki asks from behind me, tucking the last of my wrap into place. The uncertainty in her voice mirrors my own; I'm not sure why, but the idea of a sun that always shines seems somehow odd.
"Nope." With Heather's help, Chloe hops down from the bed she's standing on and mounts the next bed down the line to start anew. "What you see here is what you get."
"It's darker in the boys' rooms," Imani cuts in, handing another armful of cloth to Sappho. "There's glowing moss on the ceilings, but the beds are cut into the walls and it doesn't grow there. Some of the girls noticed a long time ago that they slept better in the dark. Handler eventually brought curtains."
"He gives us things if we ask for them?" This is a new idea, one full of possibilities.
Heather snorts at my question. "If we ask hard enough," she spits, her voice sour. "We stopped eating. After the first two girls were punished and we still wouldn't eat, we got our curtains."
I stare at her, my thoughts in turmoil. I can't imagine what punishments would make the listless girl turn so thoroughly acrimonious, and I don't think I want to. Yet even more difficult to imagine is anything being so important to me that I would take such a risk. Could I willingly suffer for curtains?
"Was it worth it?" Miyuki asks. She sounds as curious as I feel, but her voice is steadier than mine would be.
Heather shrugs. "We're all going to die anyway," she says, reverting to her hollow tone. "Better to be well-rested when it happens."
"That's enough of that," Chloe says, brushing her hands on her skirt. "No one is dying this cycle, Heather. Sappho, help me with the two empty beds by the wall; those'll be for Emma and Aniyah. We'll get you two all set up and then you need to sleep. Fifth bell will ring soon."
I don't feel tired but I nod anyway. I look at Miyuki, and the hazel eyes behind her glasses are as dull as I feel. She offers me a sad little smile, and I return it; they're trying to make us comfortable, I know, and it's not their fault they don't have much comfort to offer.
When the curtains are up, Imani helps me onto the thinly-padded stone slab that is my bed, giving me a little rectangle of cloth for a blanket. "It doesn't get cold in here, but sometimes we get chilly during sleep. Try to rest. We'll get up together at first bell to eat. It'll be okay." She squeezes my hand in a reassuring way before ducking out through the hanging canvas that darkens the tiny world around me.
I can't imagine how I'll be able to sleep. The curtains help to create a closed space; light is blocked out, and I hear only slight shuffling noises as the other girls settle in. But I'm still overwhelmed by all this. I've been kidnapped and brought here against my will. My memories were taken from me, leaving me unsure of even my own name. Now I'm a piece of property, to be used by boys I don't know until I die.
I might have been able to push that aspect away to dwell on later were it not for the tangible absence of Hana. I met her only long enough to know she saved my name, and then she was taken away. I don't know if she'll be back, and that frightening possibility makes the danger I'm in feel far more immediate. If this place can kill a girl who seemed so strong, what chance do I have to survive?
The curtains around my bed rustle. A small ray of light squeezes in before the darkness falls back into place with the addition of an intruder's barely-visible outline. "Aniyah?" I hear Miyuki's soft voice. "Can I sleep with you? I don't want to be alone right now."
She can't see the rueful smile on my face, but perhaps she can hear it in my voice. "You too, huh? Yes, I think there's room." I manage to work myself onto my side and scoot over to make space for her. I don't know how I can ever sleep with hard stone pressing painfully into my spine through the thin pad, but at least I'll have company.
"Thanks," she whispers. She slips in beside me with movements more graceful than any I've been able to make. Up close, I can see her despite the darkness; her freckled face is drawn into a nervous frown. "This is all pretty scary, isn't it?" She tries for a smile but doesn't succeed.
"I'm terrified," I agree, a chuckle escaping my throat. There's a weird relief in admitting it, not having to pretend for the other girls that everything is normal and I'm fine. "Where are your glasses?" I ask, belatedly noticing her face is naked.
"I can't sleep in them," she says, her voice fretful. "If I roll over, they might break. So I wrapped them up in gauze and left them on my bed." She bites her lip. "Do you think that's a safe place to leave them? If I put them on the floor, I'm afraid someone will step on them."
"I think the bed is safe," I say slowly, considering the limited options available. "They said that was your bed, right? I don't believe anyone else will go near it before we wake up again."
She nods, cushioning her head with her arm. "I'm so afraid of losing them," she admits in a low whisper. "I'm more afraid of not being able to see than I am of anything else. What if they fall down the toilet? What if that man, Handler, takes them away?"
On impulse, I reach out to touch her shoulder. "Hey. He won't. Okay? I won't let him."
Her eyes widen at me, studying my face in the dark. "Why woul
d he listen to us? You heard what Heather said, didn't you? They had to starve themselves just to get curtains!"
I flash a broad smile, attempting to look reassuring and determined all at once. "They said I was special, didn't they? I have some rare talent, so he wants to keep me healthy and happy? Well, he can keep me happy by taking good care of you." I find her hand and give her the same gentle squeeze Imani offered me earlier. "I'll make sure you're safe, I promise."
She holds on to me, her hand cool after the bath. "Thank you," she whispers, summoning a brave smile. "Aniyah."
My name rolls over her tongue like a sweet fruit she's savoring, lending the word warm familiarity in her mouth. "Do you remember me at all, even a little?" I ask, watching her face for some spark of recognition.
Her smile softens, becoming almost bashful. "No," she admits, shaking her head. "But we must have been something to each other, right? We were kidnapped together and we knew one another. We weren't strangers when we were taken."
"Friends, maybe?" I hazard. "Not sisters; we know that much."
Miyuki chuckles but then sobers, her eyes watching me intently. "Aniyah, I'm wondering if we were very close. I think we might have been." Her thumb strokes the soft underside of my wrist, carefully avoiding my chains. "You used my second name, the special one that goes with the words on my arm."
She looks so earnest that I want to understand, but I don't quite follow what she means. "I saw you washing them away while we were in the pool. Did you figure out what they meant?"
Her eyes are wide in the dark, solemn and eager all at once. "I think so. I think those words are a part of me, a part of Emma Miyuki. I think the top row was for Emma and the bottom row was for Miyuki. Two names, two pronouns."
I turn this over in my head, nodding slowly. "You think your father bought them when you got your second name?"
"Maybe," she agrees, though she seems less sure on this point. "But I'm certain about the division. I think Emma and her and she were given to me first for everyone to use. Then I added Miyuki and xie and xer later as something special to share with people I care about. Aniyah, I think you were one of those people."
I squeeze her hand again, in no hurry to let go. "Well, you do seem pretty special," I tease, hoping she can hear my smile even if she can't see it.
She returns my grin, but her eyes retain a kernel of worry. "I must have known we were being kidnapped and tried to save everything by writing on my arms. But I must not have had time to finish. If Hana hadn't woken you, I'd have lost both my names."
The anxiety in her voice is more than I can bear. I let go of her hand to wrap her in an awkward hug. It's tricky to pull off while lying on my side and my spine twinges with fresh pain, but the cost is worth it. "Hey." I touch my forehead to hers so she can see my eyes without her glasses. "You didn't lose them, though. We did good. We saved the important stuff. We know I'm Aniyah, and we know you're Emma Miyuki."
"We saved the important stuff," she agrees in a soft whisper, tears welling up in her smiling eyes. She's quiet for a while but then her gaze slides away, reluctant to meet my own. "Aniyah? The other girls are already calling me 'Emma'. But can I still be 'Miyuki' with you? I know we don't remember each other, but I'd like to save that part as well."
I stare at her, our breathing the only sound in the dark bubble we've made for ourselves. Despite the fact that I've been calling her 'Miyuki' in my mind, her name isn't familiar to me; it's simply a word I used because I was told I'd used it before. With my memories gone, I don't know this girl or her names or the words she uses to describe the different parts of herself. Any relationship we might have had is lost now, leaving us no better than strangers.
Yet she's soft and cool in my arms. Her face is so close, I can see the little specks of freckles splayed across her cheeks, their color so much like the warm hazel of her eyes. When she smiles my heart beats faster, and when she looks sad I want to hold her and chase the sorrow away. I can't take away the danger surrounding us, and I can't make our memories return. But I can do my absolute best to protect her and make us both as happy as possible in this grim place.
"You can still be Miyuki to me," I promise, my voice low. "I'm happy you want to share yourself with me."
She looks up at me—no, xie looks up at me—xer eyes shining with unshed tears. "I'm glad you're here with me, Aniyah," xie whispers. A trembling smile spreads over xer face, wry and laughing all at once. "I know it's just the worst thing to say, to be glad you're caught in this mess with me, but it's true."
I laugh with xer, exhaustion and fear making my limbs rubbery. "I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be here with, Miyuki." It's a joke, of course, since I can't remember anyone else, but it's also perfectly true. Xie grins at me and snuggles closer into our hug, closing xer eyes.
We're quiet after that. Xer breathing slows and deepens, eventually turning into a gentle snore against my neck. I close my eyes and smell the soft scent of xer hair, letting myself be lulled by the rhythm of xer breathing. I'm unsure if I'll be able to sleep through the pain which has grown into a constant and unwelcome companion, but I hold Miyuki close and cling to the hope that we might wake to a better world than the one we've seen so far.
Chapter 10
Keoki
A single bell, loud and clear, jars me out of my sleep. I sit bolt upright in bed, breathing hard as a blur of memories assault me: the arena, Tony, Diamond. Panic grips me, but I try to steady my breathing and let the wave of feelings and sensations wash over me. I don't want to push the memories away; I'm anxious to ensure nothing has been lost and that whatever wiped my mind before hasn't struck again.
I'd fallen asleep after going to bed with Diamond, too exhausted after the fight to keep my eyes open. The tolling of fifth bell had jostled me awake, but she'd made gentle shushing noises and I'd slipped back under almost immediately. I vaguely remember her getting out of bed at some point and moving quietly about the room, but the recollection is hazy and indistinct. This lack of clarity worries me, but perhaps sleep-memories just aren't as vivid as waking ones. Anyway, there's no way to know and nothing I could do about it if I did, so the only course of action I can see is not to fret over it.
I slide out of bed and stretch my legs, rubbing grit out of my eyes. Diamond is nowhere to be seen and isn't behind the bathroom curtain, so I have to assume she left while I was asleep and probably won't be back. This gives me a moment of disappointment; I'd have liked to tell her goodbye. Yet she'd said we would see each other again. If I win another match and she's my prize.
I don't want to think about fighting or prizes, so I direct my attention to the nearby bathroom where I'm pleased to find I remember what to do with the hole in the stone bench. A little more trial and error is required to discover that my water bowl detaches from its niche in the wall, but once the metal basin pops out into my hands I'm able to lug it over the hole and flush away any lingering mess. Afterwards, I shave while the basin refills and manage not to nick myself more than twice.
I'm pretty proud of myself, all things considered: even without memories, I'm keeping myself and my room clean like a real winner. I'm just looking around the room and wondering what else I might do to tidy up—Rinse my clothes? Fold the blanket on the bed?—when I'm startled by a loud rap on the door and I jump to open it.
Reese's wide smile greets me from the other side. "Hey, kid, food's here. Get it while it's cold! Your girl make out okay?" He cranes his head, trying to look into the room behind me while not wishing to seem obvious.
"She's not here," I tell him, though the room is small enough that he's probably come to that conclusion already. "I think she left a little before the bell rang."
He nods. "Yeah, they do that," he says, shrugging. "They gotta squeeze in a nap before the bouts. Assuming there is a bout. Not like we usually get any warning. Who, uh... who'd you have?"
I wonder why he cares, but there's no reason not to tell him. "She said her name was Diamond."
Ree
se visibly relaxes at my answer, his broad shoulders loosening. "You got Diamond? She's great," he enthuses, his grin widening. "Ought to be a fighter herself. If you get her again, you should ask her to train you; she knows stuff even Matías doesn't know. Now, c'mon! Gotta eat before practice starts."
I wonder if we mean the same person. I can't imagine asking the short girl who knelt between my legs to train me in any kind of fighting, but I follow him out into the cavern without argument. "What kind of food do we get? Is it different from what Handler brought before?" This seems by far the most important topic, my stomach gurgling in greedy expectation.
His voice takes on a wistful tone. "We only get the good stuff after someone wins a match. Otherwise, it's cold cuts and stale leftovers; not very tasty, but it'll still fill you up. Newbie alert, everyone be nice!"
This last is said as we round one of the columns that stab up through the cavern floor. On the other side, the guys sit on the ground or lean against columns of their own, each of them eating out of wooden bowls the size of my hand. Reese scoops up two free bowls from the ground, handing me one and nudging Justin with his foot to make a place for us to sit.
"Look at him! He didn't sleep at all, you can tell," Lucas announces, shaking his head at me with a knowing grin. "You'll be hopeless during practice, newbie. Was she at least worth it?"
"Who'd blame him?" Justin complains sourly, moving grudgingly in response to Reese's nudging. "At least you've all had one; I still haven't gotten a Prize."
Christian laughs. "That's why you need more practice, kid," he teases Justin, picking a long sliver of cold meat out of a bowl with his fingers. "If you actually won a fight, rather than boring the challenge to death, you'd probably get one. Who'd you get, anyway?" he asks, looking at me with a grin.