“I missed you so much,” Kace sobbed.
“I missed you, Kace,” her mother whimpered as she leaned over and kissed Kace’s forehead.
Her mother stood, looked at me, back toward Kace, and sat down as if she were confused on what to do or how to digest the entire reunion. Overcome with emotion, her mind appeared to be having a difficult time deciding the proper thing to do with the situation. I realized not seeing or talking to your child in a decade; and then trying to start over as if nothing happened would be difficult at best.
“Oh God, this is too much, Kace. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack,” her mother said as she held her hand against her chest.
Her breathing was short and choppy as she tried to control her sobbing.
“Mother, don’t say that,” Kace smiled and wiped her eyes as she spoke.
Finally.
They’re smiling.
Her mother, between sobs, laughed. As they hugged again, I relaxed and leaned back into the chair. Watching someone cry tears of joy can be uplifting. Watching someone cry tears of sorrow has always caused me to feel helpless. In my opinion, this was a combination of both. My emotions were riding a roller coaster and I felt I couldn’t see the track ahead.
“So, this is Shannon?” her mother asked as she stood again.
“No mother. Shane,” Kace responded.
As her mother approached, I stood. As she opened her arms and reached for me, I met her with a heartfelt hug. As we embraced, she sighed.
“I’m so glad you saved her,” she said as she released me from her grasp.
Before I could respond, Kace spoke up.
“Mother, I saved myself. Shane has just been here for me. He talked me into seeing you. I’ve been scared. If anyone knows, you know,” Kace took a breath and wiped her face.
“Oh look at us with our makeup all over our faces, come on,” her mother said as she grabbed Kace’s hand and led her away.
I felt even more at ease as I heard them laughing and talking in the bathroom. A mother and her daughter reunited after an extended length of time. I exhaled and relaxed. I thought of my father, and how long he had been gone. It had only been a few years since his death, but seeing him now would be gut wrenching at best. I recalled all of the time he was away when I was young, and seeing him when he would return from war. The initial excitement of seeing him was almost overwhelming. Sometimes, I felt as if I was going to vomit. After some time, my emotions settled, and I felt as if he had never left. When it was time for his next deployment, I would become angry and short tempered. My father’s company, although sacred, was a difficult time for me emotionally.
They walked back into the room laughing. As if I knew what each of them felt, I sensed I could predict what emotions they would feel throughout the meeting, based on my many similar meetings with my father. As my body relaxed, I slumped into the soft chair, and got lost in the memories of my father, my childhood, and my love for both. Almost immediately, I began to feel as if I were going to fall asleep.
Pulling the blankets tightly over his head, the sounds of the screaming were muffled. The closed bedroom door and the television on the other side of the wall prevented the little boy from hearing details.
As much as he feared what he may hear, he yeared to know. Slowly, he pulled the blankets away from his face, in an attempt to hear what was on the other side of the wall. His face barely visible and his head still covered, he peered through the opening he had created in the blankets.
From the other side of the wall, a muffled scream could be heard.
The little boy covered his head.
A dull thud.
The little boy uncovered his face, rubbing the soft fabric of the blanket into the sides of his cheeks.
Two voices, almost inaudible, alternated screams.
Another dull thud.
The little boy covered his face with the blanket, buried his head into the pillow, and cried.
As he lay in the only safe place he knew, the boy found comfort in the shelter of the blanket which lay atop his bed. It was there that he could always find comfort and peace.
Serenity.
There, with his face covered, he was always safe.
Chapter 16
KACE. What we try to remember and what we prefer to forget. Our mind doesn’t always have an understanding of how we want to sort things. Sometimes a simple memory can be enough to defeat even the toughest of souls.
Acceptance of these memories as being in the past, and understanding they are nothing more than a reminder can often allow us to continue through life without feeling guilt, sorrow, or shame. Not accepting them as such can allow us to be overcome by the emotion associated with the memory.
“Shane. Baby, you fell asleep,” I said as I tugged on his arm.
He pulled his arm away from me and pressed his hood against his face.
“Baby?” I said softly as leaned over him.
He pulled against the sides of his hood and looked out of the opening.
“Oh,” he paused and looked around the room.
“Sorry,” he said as he sat up in the chair.
“I must have fallen asleep,” he apologized as he pulled his hood from his face.
His face was covered in sweat.
“It’s hot in here, baby. You shouldn’t wear your hoodie,” I said as I leaned into the chair to kiss him.
“Where’s your mother?” he asked as he looked around the room.
I steadied his face with my hands and looked into his eyes, “She’s making lunch for us,” I said as I pressed my lips against his.
As if the kiss woke him up totally, he held me in his arms and kissed me deeply. “Kace, you mean the world to me,” he said.
“You mean the world to me,” I responded.
“No, I mean. Well, fuck. I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I just. I don’t know. I want to spend the rest of my life being everything you want in a man. I want to make up for what you haven’t received in life. I want to always be here for you. I want so much for you to be happy,” he said.
“What got into you? I am happy,” I responded.
“An entirely different degree of happy,” he said as he stood up and pulled his hoodie off.
I smiled, “Okay, sounds good.”
He looked around the room as he tossed his hoodie on the back of the chair. He rubbed his eyes and turned to focus on my face. Slowly, he smiled.
“How long was I out?” he asked.
“I don’t know. We talked a while. I heard you snore after a bit. We just decided to leave you be. I thought you were worn out from all of the training for the fight. Is that okay?” I asked.
“No, babe. It’s fine,” he said as he stretched his arms behind his back.
“While she’s cooking, you wanna look at some stuff with me?” I asked excitedly.
“Sure, what do ya got?” he asked as he rubbed his hands together.
“Well, mom said she had all my stuff from when I was in high school in a spare room. She saved everything. I want to go look at it. I might want to take a few things home,” I giggled as I rubbed my hands together jokingly.
As we both stood and rubbed our hands together, I got excited. I was eager to see things I hadn’t seen in ten years. Things I had long since forgotten. The old memories were going to be nice to sift and sort through. Not knowing what I may encounter was exciting. I tried to recall what she might have set aside, and the excitement almost overcame me.
“Well?” I asked.
“Let’s go,” he said.
“Mom, we’re going to go snoop,” I screamed into the kitchen.
“Okay, have fun. There’s a foot locker beside the bed,” my mother’s shallow voice responded.
I opened the door and Shane and I stepped inside. Immediately, I felt a wave of heat come over me. I began to shake lightly.
My Hello Kitty comforter on the bed. I snuggled under that comforter for forever. Josh and I first…
; Fucking Josh.
I turned and looked at the wall. All of my medals from running in track were on the wall in a shadow box. My throat felt full, and a lump rose in my throat as I walked toward the box. Newspaper clippings were framed on each side of the display. I walked to the framed pages and looked at the dates.
“Oh my God. This was my senior year - after I left. She kept them, Shane. She kept them,” I said as I pointed at the framed articles.
Several of the articles were for first place running in long distance. I always liked running, it allowed me to clear my head. The habit of running had stuck with me and become one of the few things I looked forward to. A five mile run could clear my mind like nothing else. I turned and looked at Shane.
“Fun, huh?” he said as he looked around the room at my things.
It was truly a step back in time and almost overwhelming. I gazed at the foot of the bed and wondered what was in the locker on the floor. I knelt down beside it and placed my hands on top of the locker. I looked up at Shane.
“Come here, babe. Let’s see what’s in here,” I said as I pointing to the locker.
I placed both of my hands on the top of the lid.
Shane knelt down beside me and sat cross legged on the floor. He turned, put his arm around my shoulder, and pulled me close to him. As I leaned into him, he kissed me softly on the lips. I pressed my thumbs under the top of the trunk lid as he kissed me.
“Babe, I’m so glad we’re here,” he said as our lips parted.
“So am I,” I responded as I took a deep breath.
He turned and looked at the locker as I opened the lid. A musty smell came out as it opened. My dresses, my shirts, my pants, my skirts - all folded nicely. I turned and looked at Shane, excited to see all of the things I hadn’t seen in ten or more years. A rush of emotion filled me.
“Babe, look,” I said as I sorted through the articles of clothing.
I picked up a dress from my sophomore year in school and smelled it. Holding it in my arms, I turned toward Shane. He gazed into the foot locker and rubbed his dog tags frantically with his right hand.
Something’s wrong.
His lip was quivering.
“Babe,” I said softly.
He started to stand, holding his hand under his shirt on his dog tags.
“Babe,” I said as I stood up.
Something’s bad wrong.
I heard a snap.
His hand came out from under his shirt, holding the broken chain in his hand. He turned and looked at me as if he were in a trance.
And as the dog tags fell from his hand, Shane Dekkar collapsed into a motionless pile on the floor.
Chapter 17
KACE. Having what we hold dear to our heart pulled from our grasp puts things - all things - in perspective. Not knowing when or if the object we love will be returned allows us to truly understand just exactly how deeply that object was embedded in our life.
“I need to know what’s going on,” I begged.
“I’m sorry ma’am. You’ll just have to wait until someone can see you,” the nurse responded.
“Is there someone else I can talk to?” I asked frantically.
“No. There is no one else. I’ll have a doctor come see you as soon as someone knows something,” she said over the top of the nurse’s station.
I put my hands on my hips, looked down at the floor, and wanted to cry. I refused to become weak. I needed to be strong for Shane. I looked up and down the hallway as I saw someone running toward me.
Thank God.
Ripp.
I held my arms out in front of me and flapped my hands.
As he picked me up from the floor and into his arms, I felt comfortable. I was no longer alone. I felt so helpless and incapable up until Ripp arrived. After a moment of holding me, he lowered me back down onto the floor.
“I got here as soon as I got your voicemail. You didn’t answer your phone,” he gasped for breath as he spoke.
My eyes began to well with tears.
“What happened?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I began to cry.
I wiped my eyes and took a breath, “He just. He. We were in my mother’s new house. He just woke up from a nap. We started looking at stuff in a footlocker full of my old junk. He seemed really weird. But he stood up, and pulled his dog tags off. It was like he wanted them off. And then he just collapsed. When the ambulance got there, he was…” I started crying and couldn’t continue.
“It’s okay Shorty. I’m here until they release him. So, what happened when the ambulance came?” Ripp asked as he hugged me lightly.
I thought about what Shane was doing and I began to tremble, “He was just in a ball on the floor. Like he was…”
“Uhhm, like his brain didn’t work anymore. He didn’t blink or talk or anything,” I sobbed.
“Oh. Fuck. What are they saying now?” he asked as he released me and wiped the tears from my face.
“Nothing. She won’t tell me anything,” I said as I pointed to the nurse’s station.
“Stand over there,” he said as he motioned to the other side of the hallway.
Confused, I stepped to the other side of the hallway. As I leaned on the wall I studied Ripp. Dressed in his cargo shorts, sneakers and a tank top, he was rather intimidating to those who didn’t know him. He turned to the nurse’s station, gripped the edge of the desk top in his hands, and took a deep breath. As he started talking, his voice was very matter-of-fact and direct.
“I’m Mike Dekkar, Shane’s brother. I need to know what his status is. He was brought in by ambulance,” he said to the nurse as he leaned onto the top tier of the station.
The nurse took a breath, sighed, and looked up at Ripp.
“Sir, I told his wife a moment ago I don’t know. If you’d like to go wait in the waiting room, I’ll have an answer for you in a little while. I’ll have someone come see you in a bit,” as she finished speaking she looked down at her keyboard.
Ripp sharply knocked on the countertop with is knuckles three times to get the nurses attention. Annoyed, she looked up. Ripp immediately started again.
“Listen, I don’t have a little while. I have about this much fuckin’ patience, lady,” he held his hand in the air and snapped his fingers loudly.
“Look at me,” he demanded as he stepped away from the raised counter.
He pointed at himself from head to toe. His arm, neck, and leg muscles rippled as he pointed his finger up and down his muscular body.
“Do I look like a guy you want to piss off?” he stepped toward the counter, leaned against it, and flexed his chest muscles.
“This mother fucker is full of doctors. Find one. Go find one and get him to go find my brother. And then find out what the fuckin’ deal is or I’m going to start knocking mother fuckers out…” he whispered loudly.
He turned his head from side-to-side and surveyed the hallway. After realizing the entire corridor was empty, he turned toward the nurse and finished his sentence.
“Cold.”
She looked up into Ripp’s eyes.
“Sir, I’ll call security,” she said as she put her hand on the phone at the lower desk.
“Call ‘em. Fuck yes,” he said as he rubbed his hands together.
“Call ‘em. I’ll knock them the fuck out too. It’s what I do. I knock motherfuckers out. Cold. Call security, and while you’re at it call the fuckin’ cops. Tell ‘em to send the S.W.A.T. team. They’ll need all the help they can get, because I hate fucking cops,” he was starting to become a little louder and was having a difficult time whispering.
“Your best bet is this, lady. Find a doctor and find out what the fuckin’ deal is. In the next ten God damned minutes. We’ll be in the waiting room, waitin’,” he pushed himself from the countertop and stared.
“C’mon, Shorty,” he said as he held out his right hand.
I leaned away from the wall and stepped toward him.
“Why’d you make m
e stand over there?” I asked as I reached for his hand.
“I didn’t want you to get any debris on you if I started breaking shit,” he said as we walked down the hallway toward the waiting room.
“Ripp?” his hand in mine, I looked up toward his face.
“Yeah, Shorty,” he responded as he angrily stomped his way toward the waiting room.
I needed comfort, reassurance and some form of confirmation everything was going to be alright – including me. I felt all jumbled up inside. The man I loved dearly was in the trauma unit in the hospital and I didn’t know what was wrong or how to fix it.
“I love you,” I said, still holding his hand in mine.
He stopped walking and turned to face me.
“Shorty, I love you too. You’re my brother’s girl. Any time he’s gone, I gotta take care of ya. It’s just how we do it here in Texas,” he smiled.
And he immediately started walking again.
How we do it here in Texas.
Knocking motherfuckers out.
Cold.
Chapter 18
SHANE. “I don’t think that had anything to do with it, Ripp,” I said as I sat up in the hospital bed.
“Well, why they want to keep ya over night? Don’t make sense,” Ripp responded.
“I don’t think Shane would be nervous about the fight either. He fights all the time, and never gets nervous. It’s probably a lot of things. Diet, training, nerves, everything combined,” Kace said from the edge of the bed as she squeezed my hand.
“Well, they can say you had a nervous meltdown, but if they want to keep ya for more tests, they don’t know shit. I’m gonna talk to that prick when he comes in here,” Ripp said.
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