by Fiona Lowe
Embryo. The scientific term centred her. After last time she wasn’t naïve enough to expect that the cluster of cells multiplying inside her would develop beyond eight or twelve weeks. She hoped and prayed they would.
If she got to four months, she’d contact Charlie and if she didn’t, well, history would repeat itself. The horrifying thought sent red-hot flames of anger through her wrenching despair. What the hell was wrong with this man? Why couldn’t he see they belonged together? That they made each other happy? That they deserved so much more than this half-life?
* * *
‘Of course we’ve been rock-pooling.’ Charlie couldn’t believe Lauren didn’t remember all the wonderful hours they’d lost gazing into pools. ‘Heaps of times. We even got caught by the tide once.’
Her brows drew down and she jerkily shoved the jewellery box back into his hand. ‘Why would I want to be reminded of something that happened twelve years ago when you left me and I thought you were coming back, only you didn’t?’
Her words slapped him and he tensed. ‘I bought it because when I think of Horseshoe Bay I always think of you.’
‘You wear it, then.’
Her disregard of the time and energy he’d put into choosing the gift jarred. ‘So sue for me doing something nice.’
‘Last time it was a stethoscope,’ she muttered, rising to her feet. She crossed her arms and faced him.
For a moment, he was distracted by her impressive cleavage. ‘What?’
‘The last time you walked away from me, you gave me a stethoscope. It’s a pattern, Charlie. Use me, buy me a gift and leave me.’
‘Hey.’ He shot to his feet, indignation simmering. ‘I have never used you. I regret our misunderstanding last time and I’ve apologised for it. We’re both consenting adults and this time we went into this with our eyes open. I’ve been very clear that I’m only in the Bay for a limited time. I never promised you more. Hell, you laid down the ground rules, not me.’
Her eyes burned hot like glowing embers, scorching him. ‘It doesn’t change the fact that both times we’ve got together, you were in the middle of a major emotional trauma. No wonder the sex was electric. You’ve buried yourself in me to forget.’
The accusation stung. ‘The hell I did.’
‘Except I turned out to be a patch, as I imagine many other women have been since, and eventually the patch lifts. All of that unresolved pain about Harry and your parents comes rushing back and it gets in the way of every aspect of your life.’ Her hands flew to her face, cupping her nose. ‘Oh, my God! That’s why Australia Aid sent you home.’
The temptation to lift his arms over his head and protect himself from her barrage of words made his muscles tense. ‘That is not the reason.’
Lauren threw him a pitying look. ‘When you arrived in the Bay and discovered I was here, you must have thought all your Christmases had come at once. But you’re kidding yourself if you think our fling’s helped, because it hasn’t. You haven’t dealt with any of your demons and I’ve stupidly allowed another man to use me to make himself feel better—’
‘Listen, Lauren.’ The room turned a hazy red. ‘I am nothing like Jeremy. I have never, would never, pull you down to build myself up or degrade you to make myself feel superior or smarter or...’ Words failed him that she could even draw a connection between him and that jerk.
‘This thing between us...’ her voice rang hollow ‘...it’s damaged both of us.’
He rolled his eyes at the drama. ‘We’re not damaged.’
‘I’m honest enough to admit that it’s damaged me. A month after you left me last time, I discovered I was pregnant.’
The thought of her eighteen, alone and pregnant reefed him so tightly he had to remember to breathe. ‘You never said.’
‘No.’ A shadow crossed her face. ‘As it turned out, I miscarried so neither of us had to make any hard decisions.’
A hundred emotions pulsed hard inside him. He shoved his hands in his pockets and gazed out the window. ‘For once luck was on my side.’
‘You bastard.’ The word exploded over him like shrapnel—stinging, burning and lacerating him with its vitriol. ‘This wasn’t about you, Charlie. This was about me.’
He spun around to see Lauren stabbing herself with her finger. ‘There’s nothing logical or rational about wanting children,’ she said, her voice cracking. ‘It didn’t matter that the timing sucked. That being a single mother would have changed my life for ever and that studying and qualifying would have been challenging, perhaps impossible. I struggled for months after the miscarriage. I loved and wanted that baby. It was part of you and I love you.’
I love you. A fleeting moment of joy flared before misery and despair doused it. Love only brought pain. If he stayed, the inevitable would happen. He’d hurt her like he hurt everyone he loved and she’d push him away. He’d hurt her and lose her. The thought gutted him. It was better not to try. ‘I think you mean you loved me. Past tense.’
‘Present tense.’ Her eyes softened, filling with sympathy and distress. ‘And before you freak out, I don’t want to love you. I deserve a man who puts me first. You can’t do that because you’re a mess but, worse than that, you refuse to do anything about it. I lost myself once trying to fix a man who wouldn’t help himself and he took me down with him. I can’t do that again. I refuse to. I learned no one can fix another person, that’s up to you. The fact you’ve bamboozled the counsellor so you can flee me, your family and the country tells me that working on your problems isn’t happening any time soon. You’ve used me as a crutch and loving you is only hurting me. I am determined to get over you. I will get over you.’
The words pummelled him hard, raising bruising mental welts. Didn’t she understand he loved her too but he was walking away to protect her? And this was the thanks he got for putting her first? A barrage of pain? Animosity stripped him of every skerrick of goodwill and he lashed out. ‘At least this time you’re not pregnant.’
It was the lift of her chin and the toss of her head that gave her away—that and her recent fatigue and her deep, rounded cleavage. His gut twisted. His heart cramped and his world went into freefall.
A baby. Someone else to let down.
He tore at his hair. ‘I don’t understand. We used condoms.’
‘Believe me, I was as shocked as you. It turns out the ones we used that first night had expired.’ She sighed. ‘Look, it’s too early to even discuss this. If the pregnancy turns out to be viable, I’ll tell you, but either way, Charlie, we’re over. You’re off the hook. I have no expectations and, to be frank, right now you can’t offer me anything other than money. I have a life here in Horseshoe Bay with my family, where I’m loved.’
She strode to the door and pulled it open. ‘Go save the world because you seem incapable of saving yourself. I hope it makes you happy. Goodbye, Charlie.’
‘Lauren!’
But she’d gone. If he chased her then his family would get involved and that was the last thing he needed. He rubbed his face and tried marshalling his chaotic thoughts.
Lauren’s pregnant.
The thought paralysed him. He didn’t have what it took to be a father. Hell, he hadn’t even been able to look after his younger brother. A normal life—a wife and kids and a nine-to-five job—all of it came with too many risks. Life was safer in war zones and natural disaster areas.
You can’t offer me anything other than money.
She’d hurled it as an accusation but money was exactly what he could offer. If the pregnancy became a baby, he’d get his solicitor to set up a trust fund. That would give him some peace. He’d email Lauren from the airport and tell her.
He glanced at his old faithful travel bag. Whenever he picked it up, he got a reassuring sense of who he was and where he belonged in the world. He grabbed the handle and lifted. There was a ripping sound, his sh
oulder wrenched and the bag dangled unevenly, banging hard into his legs. Damn it. What the hell else was going to hit him today?
‘Going somewhere?’ As if on cue, his father stood in the doorway, eyeing the broken bag with obvious disapproval.
‘Java.’
‘I see.’ Randall stepped inside the room.
The room shrank and the air thickened. Charlie turned and looked out the window. Nothing good ever came from his father seeking him out and he refused to be pulled back into Randall’s world of pain. Have you ever left it? He waited for his father to speak but the silence continued. Eventually, he turned around to check if he was still in the room. ‘Spit it out.’
Randall rocked in his boat shoes, looking uncharacteristically uncertain. ‘I wish to apologise.’
‘For what?’ Given the history of their fractured relationship, the last week had been remarkably free of clashes. Nothing came to mind that warranted an apology.
‘For what I said to you the day Harry came off life support. And the day he went into the nursing home.’
Charlie’s head shot up so fast his neck ricked but he stayed silent mostly out of stunned surprise.
The low sun streaming through the window caught the silver strands in his father’s hair. ‘I was devastated that my boy’s life was cut short in such a random way. You expect your kids to outlive you. None of it made any sense, hell, it still doesn’t, but back then I was raging against the world.’ He blew out a long breath. ‘I now see that the person I was most angry with was myself. I had no right to take out my guilt on you or blame you for not withdrawing treatment earlier. I’m your father and I let both my sons down when you needed me most.’
Randall’s voice wavered. ‘I’ve regretted it for a long time. I know Harry’s fall was an accident. I know that everything you did for your brother was for all of us. That you did it out of love.’
There was a time Charlie had been consumed with the need to hear his father speak those words, but that was long gone and a low simmer of anger had taken its place. ‘Right. Good to know you’re no longer disappointed in me.’
‘Disappointed in you?’ Bewilderment clung to Randall. ‘I’ve never been disappointed in you, Charles. You do amazing work and I’m proud of you.’
I’m proud of you. The surreal moment made his head spin. ‘I... I didn’t know that.’
‘No.’ Despondency cloaked Randall. ‘What do all the young kids say these days? My bad? I should have told you before but pride is an Ainsworth family failing. After you rightfully told me to butt out of your life, I used that as an excuse to keep my distance. But I’ve followed your career closely and with great interest. Hell, I’ve even bragged about you at the club. Can’t let Dean Grayson hog all the glory about his son.’
Charlie mustered a smile. ‘Leo’s research was pretty ground-breaking.’
‘And you saved lives under gunfire,’ Randall said quietly. ‘That takes guts.’
‘It was easier than being here.’ The words boomed with truth but were devoid of the anger that usually tainted them.
Randall didn’t flinch. ‘And that’s my fault. I drove you away. I’ll always regret that and I’m sorry.’
Charlie hardly recognised his father, who to his knowledge had never backed down on any stand he’d ever taken. The impact of the apology sank in, easing some of the long-held hurt. ‘Thank you.’
Randall gave a curt nod. ‘Are you happy?’
The question hit like a sniper’s bullet and he deflected it. ‘I’m excited about this new assignment in Java.’ Hah! Keep telling yourself that, mate.
‘I meant outside work.’
Run. ‘Not a lot of time for anything else and, talking of work, I have a plane to catch.’
His father joined him at the window and stared doggedly at the horizon. ‘I buried myself in work for years and your mother buried herself in the bottom of a bottle. Last year we both had health scares. It forced us re-evaluate and make some changes.’
A fizz of fear made him ask, ‘Are you and Mum okay?’
‘We are. Better than we’ve been in years. Getting sick made us realise we’d lost a hell of lot more than just Harry.’ He sighed. ‘And so have you.’
You haven’t dealt with your demons. Sweat broke out on his top lip. ‘No need to worry about me.’
Randall’s gaze hooked Charlie’s. ‘But I do. We all do. Your mother and grandmother. We love you. What we want most in the world is for you to be happy and content. Harry’s gone. Let’s honour him by living our lives the best way we can.’
A whoosh of panic jetted up. ‘Look, Dad, I appreciate the apology but it doesn’t open the gates to fatherly advice, okay?’
For a moment Randall was silent. ‘Fair enough. I’ll let you go. I promised your mother a walk before dinner anyway.’ He turned then hesitated. ‘I will tell you one thing all this loss has taught me. The love of a good woman and children are the greatest gift a man can ever have. It’s the source of true happiness.’
This version of his father was bewildering. ‘What about the heartache?’
Randall shrugged. ‘Life’s a bugger. Sometimes you can’t have one without the other. Doesn’t mean you give up and don’t try.’
Right now, you can’t offer me anything. Lauren’s words buzzed in his head. ‘What if you know you’ll hurt her anyway?’
Randall squeezed his shoulder. ‘Be the best version of yourself, Charlie, and the chances of that are slim.’
CHAPTER TEN
LAUREN SWALLOWED FOLATE tablets and tried not to think about Charlie. He’d be in Indonesia by now, throwing himself into work to keep his festering grief at bay. She blinked rapidly. Do. Not. Cry. It wasn’t her fault Charlie refused to get the help he needed. But knowing that he preferred to walk away from her, rather than stay for her and deal with his demons, didn’t make it any easier.
‘I am strong. I will survive,’ she said, having adopted it as her mantra after sobbing herself to sleep a week ago. She rubbed her belly. We will survive.
Right now, she was clinging to routine to get her through each day. Easter was coming up fast and although she was looking forward to the extra sleep, she wasn’t looking forward to four empty days. Her parents were taking Shaylee bush camping. Lauren knew she could invite herself along but as she was barely on top of her morning sickness, camping without facilities was out of the question. So was being in close confines with her parents. She wasn’t telling anyone about the pregnancy yet.
Keep busy. Motivated by the idea, she grabbed a pen and, standing at the kitchen bench, she divided a page into four boxes and wrote ‘Sleep’ in all of them. She chewed the pen. Perhaps she could bake hot-cross buns. The thought made her nausea rise and she reached for the mug of lemon and ginger tea.
Charlie. He’d brought her this tea after the accident at the café.
She steeled herself against the memory of all the many and varied things he’d done for her over the last few weeks. Actions that had screamed love and yet—Do. Not. Go. There.
Forcing her thoughts away from Charlie, grief and pain, she returned to the list. A movie at the cinema in Surfside was an option and if it was a nice day she could do a section of the clifftop walk. She opened the weather app on her phone and studied the forecast.
‘May I come in?’
The deep, rumbling voice startled and frightened her, making her jump. The phone shot out of her hands, bouncing along the bench. She spun around, her heart pounding in her ears and deafening her as stared disbelievingly at the tall, fair, tanned man in the doorway. A hundred questions exploded in her mind and then adrenaline hit and she lashed out, angry that he’d scared her. ‘Most guests ring the bell.’
‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to surprise you.’ He didn’t move off the back step.
She didn’t invite him in. ‘You’re supposed to be in Java.’
> ‘Yeah.’
‘And?’
‘I’m not.’ He rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Lauren, please may I come in and talk to you?’
Her battered heart limped in her chest and she knew she had to protect it. ‘There’s nothing to talk about. We said everything that needed to be said the other day.’
‘I didn’t.’
Don’t fall for it. She knew on that horrible evening she’d done most of the talking to a white-faced Charlie. Obviously, he’d now had time to think. Well, screw that. ‘I’m not listening to you justify all the reasons why you can’t love me.’
‘Good.’ He stepped inside, his face contorted and his eyes filled with worry. ‘Because I love you.’
Her heart wobbled and her hands closed around the curve of the granite to keep her standing. Had she heard right? God, she couldn’t bear it if she’d heard wrong. ‘You love me?’
‘Yes.’
Her thoughts scattered, unable to make any sense of his declaration. Did he really love her or—? A thought jabbed her so hard it sucked her breath away. ‘Is this about the baby? Because if it is, I’ve already told you I don’t—’
‘No. I mean...well, yes, in a way but, no... It’s complicated.’
She sighed. ‘Of course it is. You make everything complicated.’
His mouth whitened around the edges but he didn’t deny it. Instead, he opened his palms in supplication. ‘I hate that I’ve hurt you, Lauren. I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Will you let me?’
His sorrow threaded around her heart, tempting her to step into his arms and let him do exactly that, but she couldn’t see how anything other than his words had changed. ‘Charlie, why aren’t you in Java?’
‘I pulled myself off the assignment. You were right. I wasn’t ready to go back to work. Truth be told, I haven’t been functioning properly for a year but you were the only person who called me on it.’