by Tara Brown
Page 17
"Hello?" my voice is grumbled and tired.
Stuart laughs, "When I said go there, I didn’t mean attack everyone and kick them out. You got this or do you need an intervention?"
I smile, "No, I got this. She's there, dude. Jane doesn’t want her to get better. She wants her broken and sick so I'll be broken and sick too. Sarah is almost back. "
"I'm giving you the day and then I'm coming in. "
I nod, "Okay. "
"You understand I love you but I don’t trust this shit. I know how you get. "
A chuckle slips from my lip, "I know. Thanks. "
"Be cool," he hangs up and I look at the sleeping girl. She looks so peaceful until a whimper slips from her lips. She cries and scrambles a little bit. I see her moving and feeling around. She's panicking, and I almost take back everything I've thought about her being better, but she does the thing she needs to. She self soothes and comforts herself. She keeps away the lonely.
"I'm not in the hole. I'm not in the hole," she whispers and shakes her head.
The light comes on again from the cell phone. She messages me.
'I want to go home. I don’t want your money and help. I just want to be free. '
'Where will you go?' I frown.
'Women's shelter? Convent? Anywhere I can to get away from you. '
I laugh to myself, she's getting saucier. 'That's hurtful considering I am the only person in the world you have. '
'I would laugh. If I weren’t sitting in the dark smelling my own piss and feeling disturbed and disgusted at the thought of what you'll do to me next. '
I don’t want to play this game anymore. She's ready and I don’t need to scare her anymore. She needs the truth. The thing Jane doesn’t want me to do. I dial and speak in the voice that is mine, the real me. The one she doesn’t remember but knows better than any of the other faces I have shown her.
She answers, looking dark and fuzzy on FaceTime. I smile, "Hi. Where will you go without me?"
She shakes her head, "I need to go. Please. I can't do this anymore. "
I nod, "Go to the door and wait. I will come and get you. It's almost New Year's Eve. " I shouldn't tell her what day it is. We need her to think she has been here for so much longer than she has. We need her to be lost in every way. But I gave her the cell phone, she must have looked at the date already. I turn off the phone and place it on the table, leaving it there. We will need to be alone, completely.
I walk to the door, pressing my hand on the handle and taking a deep breath. She needs the truth, no matter how badly it will hurt, she will need it. I place my hand into the open space of the door and wait for her to take it.
If anything should trigger her, it's that.
She places her weak little hand in mine and I pull her to the bathroom, "Clean up. "
She hesitates and then steps into the bathroom alone, maybe not completely seeing the freedom she is being given.
I lean against the wall and watch the light under the door move as she does. Finally she comes out, frowning, "Were you there the entire time?"
"I was. "
She scowls even more at me, "Scared I'd get away?"
I laugh and stay just being me. I don’t need to intimidate her anymore. I shake my head, "No. I stayed in case you were scared. "
Her apprehension of the real me is a bad feeling but I understand. I just hope she will too. She gives me a wide-eyed look, "Is this place like a whole floor of a building? It's weird with all the hallways. "
I almost laugh but the dread of the things I'm about to say are too thick in my throat. I put my hand out for her. She takes it and I resist the urge to lift it and kiss her palm.
I bring her to one of the actual sleeping rooms for the people like me who help Jane out. It's a nice room, sort of girlie and soft. I think it's the best choice for her. I turn and leave the room. I press my back against the closed door and try to imagine how I am going to say what I have to. I close my eyes and imagine the conversation. I shake away the thought that she will end up catatonic. She can do this. She is ready, I am sure. Pretty sure. I go back into the room to find her lying on the bed. I crawl up next to her. I look at her for a minute and smile. I take a breath and just say it, "There is something important we need to talk about. "
She shakes her head, "I'm too tired. If you're going to kill me, just do it. I don’t care anymore. I'm done. "
"You're prepared to die?" I ask.
She nods, "I am dead. You have killed everything inside of me. "
"Have you ever feared I would kill you?"
She lies, "No. "
"Liar. "
She smiles but I keep going, "If you had one wish, what would it be?"
Her answer is fast and always the same, "I don’t know. To be normal, I guess. "
I kiss the top of her head, whispering in my head that I am about to give her that, if only she can let me get it all out. I don’t say that to her though. I whisper, "You wanted to know why I cared what your name was?"
She nods and a tear slips down my cheek, "My sister was named Emalyn. The Spicers were the couple that kidnapped us both. "
She freezes completely and then whispers back, "You are the boy in the hole? From the house? Eli? That was your name?"
I nod, holding back my sobs but the tears will not be contained.
The reality hits her like a ton of bricks, "You saved me. I killed your sister. "
I wrap around her and hold her as the dam breaks and the flood of emotions and painful reality break their way in.
There is no going back. From here, there is only truths and harsh realism.
Chapter Fourteen
I feel her shifting on the bed but I keep my eyes closed. I'm exhausted from staying awake and waiting to see if the lonely comes to claim her. She moves, and for some reason, I feel her eyes on my face. I smile a little and sigh, "We haven’t slept beside each other in fourteen years and it still feels the same. "
I open my eyes and kiss her sweet face. The tears are flooding her eyes. I kiss the one that gets away. I can't help but be completely me with her now. I don’t have any acts left in me. I just want to be real. I kiss her whole face except the place I really want to. It's not the right time for that kiss and I haven’t earned my way into her heart. I probably won't ever. I whisper, "You're safe now. You remember it all. You're safe. "
She is still in shock and I know all the walls are crumbling, leaving a haze in her mind.
"I never blamed you. I saw what was happening. I saw you make the choice to try to save her. "
She shakes her head, "I can't do this. Put me back in the cell. "
I hold her tightly, "No. You need to tell me the things you remember. I know you remember them now. "
"The Grand Canyon. " The words sound like they actually hurt her.
But I don’t give up, I keep going, "What else?"
"The dirty house. "
"What else?"
She closes her eyes, "My name. "
"Do you see why I brought you here?"
She doesn’t answer, I don’t think she can.
"Why?" I ask forcefully.
She loses it a little, "To punish me for helping them. For killing her. For stealing her name and pretending to be her. "
Her answer instantly breaks me inside. I grab her face and make her look at me, "No. No, you're missing the point. " I let her go and get up. I don’t know how to take the shame of what she is feeling. I pace, "Don’t you see? All of it was so obvious?"
She shakes, both her head and body. I feel the pity for her leaving me. I grab the bed and shake it, losing my hold, "GOD DAMMIT! I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOU! I'M TRYING TO FREE YOU!" It takes me a minute to get the control over my rage back. I take a deep breath, "All of this has been planned to free you. You were never going to get better. You were always trapped in that house. You never left it. You took her life a
nd never lived it. She would have wanted you to live, Sarah. You've hidden it all away and punished yourself for something that was never your fault. Don't you see that?"
I don’t realize I've said her real name until I see her start to freak out even more. She yanks at the covers and twitches. I point at her, "You will tell me the story. Now you choose how you want it. By the fire, in the dark cell, in the tub, or in the bed. "
"The dark. "
I nod and hold a hand out for her. She gets up and takes it. I drag her to the cell and close us both in with the smell of her urine. I can't sit. I'm wired and scared, and this is the part I have dreaded more than anything else in the world. I pace and shake my head. My lips quiver when I see it all again. We are about live through the whole visual and the dark of the cell, and the smell of the corner is making it more real.
I know the dead look is in her eyes when she talks. She sounds dead inside, "I think they had been doing it a long time. I don’t know if I was their kid or if they took me. I don’t have very many memories before you came. I remember other kids at the house though. They would stay for a short time and then be gone, and Randy would start to get edgy and angry. I was in the hole before we met you and Emalyn. She pulled back the lid and dragged me out. Said we were going for a car ride. "
I hear her break as she speaks. She takes a breath and continues, "We got to the Grand Canyon the next day, but I never got to see anything. They dragged me around the whole time. Pulling me after them. He picked her. He asked me if I wanted her too. I did. I said I did. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I never saw you, just her. She was shiny and pretty. Then they dragged me back to the car. Laura took me home and Randy stayed at the Grand Canyon. The next day you guys were there, with me at the dirty house. She was allowed to play with me for a couple days. I shared my bed with her and my dolls but she didn’t want them. She cried. She cried all the time. "