Every now & then, Baby & me look at each other & I see something like a new star being born real far away. That kind of thing needs watching, so you see I’m very busy.
Once or twice in these chockablock days, I thought I heard a noise. I was too blissed out to know for sure. I texted anyway: Did u come by? I’m sorry, I was asleep!
No answer at 1st. Couple days later Martin texted: ILY.
I answered: ily2 hope ur ok.
Next morning he answered back: Morning.
I answered: Morning honey.
We’re scared of being apart. Couple mins, OK. More than that, I start to worry what Kenji might be up to, I think he starts to worry what I might be thinking of, & then we both get antsy & that’s not good. So we bathe together. Plus there’s the issue of the bathroom & jacuzzi. I have panicky flashbacks every time I look at them. Kenji doesn’t seem to mind them, maybe cuz he’s so exhausted by the time he gets there.
Anyway, we’re in the bath. I made it hot cuz K was feeling “like a football after a football game.” He’s admitted that the pain goes right down into his bones.
He had his arm around my shoulders, his shoulder under my head: perfect recipe to make me fall asleep, just what I didn’t want to do, afraid aceboy might sink.
He said, “You wrote that you gave her a new name.”
Kenji with his eyes closed, a frown below his stitches.
“A name that nobody & nothing in the world, not one damn computer, not even that book of yours could link up with the name Aetna Simmons. Nobody except you.”
I began a fresh study of the stitches.
“What’s her new name, Nikkou?”
“I shouldn’t tell you that, my Love. I promised her. She asked me to forget her.”
“So tell me the name & then forget her.”
When we’ve been thru a hurricane & the electricity’s been out forever, so we’ve been living in the dark, running to & from the tank with a bucket on a rope & existing on canned peaches & cereal, & then all of a sudden there’s a surge, just for a second, a throb goes thru the house (lights flicker, fridge groans), & everything might go dark again right after but we’ve got hope now, we know it’s trying: everything that ever had a spark of energy, everything that ever lived is trying to come back…that’s the throb I heard in Kenji’s voice right then. From that moment, I knew I can’t let myself miss out on anything he says, any word, ANY little blankety-blank word could bring the fire back!
So I thought it might kill me to stamp out that early spark. “It don’t matter what her name is. It’s better you don’t know, my Love.”
“No, it’d be better if I were the only one who knew. If someone figured out what happened.”
“No one’s gonna do that, Baby.”
“Well, if someone tried. Char’s not stupid. Char won’t hesitate.”
“Thought you weren’t gonna think about her no more, Love.”
“Just tell me,” said Kenji softly. “You see, I’d rather… If somebody started asking around about Aetna Simmons, they’d find me before they found you. I’d try not to tell them. But if I had to, I would. There’d be no need for them to find about you then.”
I don’t think Kenji knows how huge it is, him saying that. He just said it. Thinking about me, not about himself. But what I heard louder than the foghorn on a megaship was Kenji thinking forward. Like Baby thought he might have a future after all. Here with me, with the strength to protect me. I put a teary smackeroo on him cuz what’s a silly girl in love supposed to do? I said, “Let’s keep her as my secret. If Char Richards or anybody like Char Richards ever shows their stinkin ugly face round here, they gotta deal with me. OK, Baby?”
“Well, no, it’s not OK. You know everything, Nabi, you saw her face—”
“& I in’t talking about that either, so duneenworrywifit.”
“But Nabi, you’re the only one who could put Aetna Simmons back together with herself. That means you’re not safe.”
“I already promised we’re gonna figure something out. Now slow down, OK? Trust me.”
I kissed him all over his face, I found his lips with mine. My ditsy little soul felt like fireworks in the sky.
I’d already sent the email. The other night when that espresso let me down. I’m thinking now we should’ve talked it thru 1st, K & me. Oh well. I didn’t tell him. I’d put too much on him already.
I told him later.
Late afternoon sometime I was giving K a belly rub. Should’ve noticed he was deep in thought, but my eyes were closed.
He said, “What you told me about Erik. What you wrote. What Erik told you about Char.”
Again with blankety-blank Char! I woke up real fast with some firm words to say. But Kenji’s eyes were closed with a frown-ridge in between.
“The idea of some woman erasing herself over & over. Char prbly enjoyed it. Unconsciously, you know. The idea of making Erik pay Aetna to do it. & the idea of me, I guess, erasing—”
“Baby, I emailed Mr Falk.”
Another shock, poor Love!
“I was gonna tell you later. If anything comes of it. If not, we’ll try something else.”
Baby said, “Jim J Falk. Clocktower’s Chief Risk Officer.”
“That’s the one, sweet genius. You wrote to me about him.”
“Yeah but, but…”
“I emailed to say I’m concerned that a VP on Mr Falk’s team wants to use my company, Bull’s Head Shreds, to destroy evidence of fraudulent practices. I implied that I’d refused to sign a contract with this person but instead decided to tattle, urged on by my conscience. I invited Mr Falk to contact me for further info. & I cc’d you & Martin.”
Kenji struggled up onto his elbow just to put his hand under my chin. He looked at me like I was a funny thing he’d picked up on the beach.
“That was rash, Nabi. And devious. Also pretty savvy.”
Now he looked like he was wondering if the funny-looking thing he’d found might be a diamond, & that puffed me right up. I made my announcement.
“The whole thing has to stop. That’s it. That’s the only way we can be positive we’re safe,” I announced.
If Mr Falk even sees my email, let alone reads it, it’ll be a miracle. (Plan B? Pending.) I knew Kenji knew that, but an email is still something, & what Kenji needs is hope in any form. He watched his little worker bee chatter on about taking down an international high-finance racket. He looked doubtful like he thought maybe he should grab me before I buzzed into a praying mantis. But this acegirl was soaring.
“Kenji, you really think after what you wrote I could fail to understand what it means to spend your life writing suicide notes? Pretending there’s some mistake in wanting to be alive? Baby, forget it. I don’t care what I gotta do.”
“Well, I do. I’m not worth any kind of risk.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. Kenji, just one of your breaths means more to me than anybody else’s life.”
“You shouldn’t say stuff like that.”
“I’m saying I love you.”
“We don’t know what’s going to happen.”
He was getting upset. Like really upset. He lay down, I pulled his hand out of his hair, his voice made me think of too much water.
“Nabi, I betrayed you.”
I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t want to say anything. Like I don’t want to say anything about Martin or worry over what counts as “betrayal.” All that mattered was Kenji’s voice climbing & constricting cuz of that helpless rage that scares me like nobody’s business.
“Never before. & never again. Right?” I said.
“Yes. Only Char.”
“OK, then let me tell you we’re OK. WE’RE OK.” We were scared stiff. Kenji let me envelop myself in his body, I closed my eyes & tried pretending we were like those snails that
find a nice wall to stick to & sleep the summer thru. But I heard myself beg, cowering against his chest, “Please believe me. Please, Kenji.”
He whispered, “All right, Nabi.” Cuz he knew I was afraid. I know it’s not enough.
Later Martin texted me a moon. I texted: sweet dreams honey.
How much of all that was bravado? How much was the espresso kicking in just long enough for tappity-tap + Send? None, I thought. Kenji knew better. I’ve never been sometimey when it comes to sleeping, I never have bad dreams, I’m not a ceiling-starer. But I popped up in some crazy hour & bugged poor K till he woke up. Baby wasn’t even all that surprised.
“I’ve gotta ask you something, Kenji. It can’t wait.”
We let a little just-in-case light sneak under the door. Besides that it was pitch dark.
“You gotta follow the question all the way thru like always. Wherever it goes, Baby, OK?”
I reached up into the dark. I found Kenji’s face exposed to the night’s most slippery hours. He held me so I lay on top of his lungs.
“Kenji, would I, like if I’d known…I’d have shown that girl the door & nothing else. Wouldn’t I?”
It came out feeble. But Baby knew I meant Aetna Simmons.
He said, “It’s OK that you’re not psychic.”
“Yeah, but I should’ve asked her, innit. I should’ve asked her SOMETHING. Sure, we don’t ask clients why they’re destroying what they’re destroying, but document destruction isn’t the same as breaking into immigration & all that. I care about our business enough to understand that. I’m got common sense. So what happened, Baby? I mean like, in my head.”
I could never ask anybody else something like that.
I already knew the answer too. But I hoped Kenji would answer something else. Something to prove the real answer wasn’t true.
He said, “Pride.”
So gently!
“You said it in your book. You wanted to show me & Martin a thing or two.”
My cheeks were on fire. But Kenji didn’t sound disgusted, he caressed my face & stroked my back & said, “The fact of where I went to school doesn’t mean I’ve ever thought I’m better than you. I’ve always known you’re stronger. Upstairs & inside. Whatever the Hell I did to make you think otherwise, I’m sorry. I never wanted you to feel condescended to or stifled or like the scum of the earth, like you’re throwing yourself at the walls in a padded soundproof cell day after day.”
Shame made me fidgety. “It wasn’t that bad, Baby. I got no right to judge you.”
“Whatever, just don’t hate yourself for anything. Don’t hate anything ever. OK?”
“But Baby, do you think if I’d asked what she was running from, I mean if I’d known Aetna Simmons was guilty of something awful, something bad enough to run from…”
“If you’d known she was a forger for an insurance racket, you’d have told her to get crackin.”
“You really think so, Love?”
We lay quiet in the dark. I don’t know why I kept pushing this question. Cuz it’s the question of what I am, I guess? So like: me + Kenji = ? Me + Martin = ? Cuz me = ??! Who’s got time to worry about “me = ”? This worker bee’s too busy buzzing. But what if I filled every second up with my own buzz cuz even though I didn’t know it, deep down I was scared of the answer to “me = ”?
I said in an all-new kind of panic, “Kenji, you know me better than anyone. So I mean, look. You started working for the chemist cuz you were desperate. I wasn’t. It just didn’t occur to me that anything I did would ever hurt anybody. Kenji, if I just didn’t let that occur to me, how far could I have gone to make myself feel liberated & empowered or whatever even if I did have all the info? You know what I’m saying? Could I risk everything we have just to show what I’m made of?”
He thought about it. Long & serious like he always does.
“Turn the lamp on, would you, Nikkou?”
I turned it on. Orange light on one side of Kenji’s face showed that new star struggling to learn to twinkle, trying to fight its way out of his ancient black hole. Darkness swallowed the other side. His love beamed thru the darkness & the light in waves of mysterious energy like they’re always finding out in space but here, right here in the quick parting of his lips & the tremor around his eyes. It rocked me with a shockwave every day of my life & sometimes I didn’t even know, I was so busy buzzing, I didn’t even know it was the kind of energy that could burn him out forever. What kind of acegirl fails to see that? What kind of “me” just fails to see it?
“My friend, this is an existential crisis,” said Kenji.
“I knew you was gonna say that, bye.” I felt like bursting into tears.
“I think Martin would prescribe going to church.”
“Prbly. What do you think?”
“I have a lot to learn about you.”
He thought long & serious about that too.
He said, “You still got Aetna’s hard drives, Nabi? The original & the copy?”
“Yeah.”
“Where?”
“Where I keep them.”
“Where’s that, Nikkou?”
“Pretty briefcase you got me.”
“You’ve been carrying those fucking things around with you all this time everywhere you go?!!”
“I couldn’t leave them hanging around for poky snoberses to—”
“Fack! That’s why you started looking at hard drive shredders, innit,” Kenji breathed.
Now, which one of us set out to make BHS a laundry service? Clue: it wasn’t K. All he wanted was to help me build something, just so happened that drug money was all he had to do it with. But which one of us set out to spend however many hundred-thousands to make our “confetti counter” cover up a crime, & which pathetic stupidhead never even thought of it that way cuz she let herself stay ignorant & figured she could do no wrong?
“Told her to leave me her laptop,” I mumbled. “Figured we could get a HDS & after a while I’d sneak it in with some work order. Told her if it took too long to get our own, I’d sneak off overseas to somebody who’s got one.”
I never thought the words “computer crime” till Kenji said them. Seriously.
My jaw shivered. My sweet Kenji said real soft, “Hey, acegirl, come here.”
I’m a traitor. I am blind. I hid my face in Kenji’s neck. Where his breath moves & his pulse flutters & his voice lives. “I’m the worst Managing Partner ever!”
“The best, you mean.”
“The worst criminal too!”
“Hey now, you weren’t trying to be a criminal. You thought you were helping her. Even if you had other motives too, you really did want to help her. Didn’t you?”
“Yeah,” I whimpered.
“Course you did. My Nikkou.”
Kenji kissed me on my head. Like he could hear all the rubble in it flying around & smashing.
“Once you decided you were gonna help her get away, you didn’t just follow thru, you went above & beyond.”
“To cover my own blankety-blank.”
“Yeah, that too. I’m glad you didn’t neglect that.”
Even though I lied to him for it. Kenji kneeling in the grass, Kenji drowning in poisons. I couldn’t even ask the question that I knew hid behind my other questions. Could I hurt BHS without realizing? What about: Could I hurt you, my Love, without letting myself realize??!!
He didn’t make me ask it, he didn’t ask it. He asked, “Nabi, is there a way to shred hard drives without a shredder?”
“Power drill.” I sniffled.
I couldn’t think about no power drill. This “existential crisis” blew up literally right that second into a life-&-death-level freakout: me & my pride & not asking enough questions, all my buzzbuzzbuzz sent Kenji up that hill to DIE.
“Kenji, how is it that you sti
ll love me?!”
He said, “You’re all I care about. You’re all the reason there is.”
His voice was steady. & I could tell by his breathing he was doing his genius thing, & all this decked my bravado: What if I can’t protect him, what if I can’t prove to him that it is worth it to keep struggling, what if I get in the way of my own efforts to protect him…???
Nothing lay between Kenji’s chest & my messed-up head, so the sounds that only he can make went deep in me. His life throbbing thru him filled my head & throbbed thru me & throbbed in everything. The air, the dark. The walls. The light under the door. I listened all night long.
His new thing was this power drill. Day after day: “Let’s do it today, Nikkou.”
I miced. “Too sleepy, Baby, wanna snuggle here with you.”
He admitted that sounded nicer. Only to get right back on the other thing.
“Do you own a power drill, my Love?”
“Well, no.”
We couldn’t buy one on Amazon. Well, we could. But after we’d paid more than any drill was worth to get the thing across the ocean, we’d still have weeks to wait for it to land & clear customs, etc, etc. Kenji didn’t want to wait that long. But going out to buy a power drill didn’t even need discussing. It’s Bermuda, our track record sucks, the last thing we need is someone being able to say they saw me buying a drill, & Kenji isn’t well enough to go into town. Standing up makes him dizzy. Nausea makes him angry & depressed. I’m scared to leave him alone, scared of finding him with a pen or something in his throat.
“Don’t we have one down Bull’s Head?” he asked.
“Prbly. But I’d have to tell Bryan I’m taking it, cuz he’d miss it. Cuz remember I put it in the contract for those lot: all Bull’s Head Shreds equipment stays at Bull’s Head Shreds, & it’s Bryan’s job to make sure—”
“OK, OK. Did I sign that contract?”
“Yes, you did.”
“Fack.”
“Anyway, I want to keep Bull’s Head Shreds out of it. From now on, you know. We made that, Baby. We depend on it. It’s ours.”
Kenji kissed my hand. He refuses to let me stay ashamed. I give into him easy, I don’t like guilt, I like smiling at my Baby. He was on the couch. His 1st day sorta but not really out of bed, he was in his PJs on his back under a blanket. I’d talked him into trying out the living room. It’s way brighter with the sliding glass & white-tiled balcony & sea & sky. I cotched beside him & we held hands & ate the plain white bread I’d made. Now & then I nuzzled his cheek with mine or under his chin with my lips, I couldn’t get enough, cuz that morning Baby’d shaved his beard off (with help & supervision!) just like he always does & just cuz he wanted to!
Drafts of a Suicide Note Page 44