He stiffened, then reached for his coffee and held it at arm’s length, cup ping his hands around the mug. “True enough, but the minute I started talking, you looked like you wanted to challenge my answer.”
She hadn’t known her feelings were that trans parent.
“I guess now is as good a time as any to ask where I stand with you.”
“What do you mean?” An un easy feeling began to creep up her spine. They had only a couple of days before he was scheduled to leave, and she was going to need every minute of that time to concentrate on this relationship.
“You know what I’m asking, Ruth.”
She did. She met his eyes. “I’m in love with you, Paul.”
“I’m in love with you, too.” He stretched his hand across the table and intertwined their fingers.
Her heart nearly sprang out of her chest with happiness and yet tears filled her eyes.
To her astonishment, Paul laughed. “This is sup posed to be a happy moment,” he told her.
“I am happy, but I’m afraid, too.”
“Of what?”
“Of you leaving again. Of your involvement in the military. Of you fighting in a war, any war.”
“It’s what I do.”
“I know.” Still, she had difficulty reconciling her emotions and beliefs with the way Paul chose to make his living.
“But you don’t like it,” he said, his voice hard.
“No.”
He sighed harshly. “Then tell me where we go from here.”
Ruth wished she knew. “I can’t answer that.”
His eyes pleaded with her. “I can’t answer it for you, Ruth. You’re going to have to make up your mind about us.”
She’d known it would come down to this. “I’m not sure I can. Not yet.”
He considered her words. “When do you think you’ll be able to decide?”
“Let’s wait until you’ve finished your training and we see each other again…. We’ll both have a better idea then, don’t you think?”
“No. I might not be coming back to Seattle. I have to know soon. Now. Tonight.” He paused. “I realize I sound un fair and pushy, and I apologize.”
“Apologize for what?” she asked. Her hand tightened around his fingers. She could feel him pulling away from her, if not physically, then emotion ally.
“I’ve been trained to be decisive. Put ting things off only leads to confusion. We’ve been writing for months.”
“Yes, I know, but—”
“We’ve spent every possible minute of my leave together.”
“Yes…”
“I love you, Ruth, but I won’t lie to you. I’m not leaving the marines. I’ve chosen the military as my career and that means I could be involved in conflicts all over the world. I have to know if you can accept that.”
“I…”
“If you can’t, we need to walk away from each other right now. I don’t want to drag this out. You decide.”
Ruth didn’t want a part-time husband. “I want a man who’ll be a husband to me and a father to my children. A man of peace, not war.” She didn’t mean to sound so adamant.
Paul didn’t respond for a long moment. “I think we have our answer.” He slid out of the booth and waited for her. They’d paid earlier, so there was nothing to do but go out to the parking lot.
Ruth wasn’t finished with the conversation, even if Paul was. “I need time,” she told him.
“The decision’s made.”
“You’re pressuring me,” she pro tested. “I’ve still got two days, remember?”
“It doesn’t work that way,” he said.
“But this isn’t fair!”
“I al ready admitted it wasn’t.” He opened the passenger door, and a moment later, he joined her in the car. “I wish now I’d waited and we still had those two days,” he said bleakly. “But we don’t.”
He started the car and Ruth noticed that his fingers had tensed on the steering wheel.
Ruth bit her lip. “Sure we do. Let’s just pre tend we didn’t have this conversation and enjoy the time we have left. You can do that, can’t you?” Her voice took on a pleading quality.
“I wish I could, but…I can’t.” He in haled deeply. “The decision is made,” he said again.
They didn’t have much to say during the rest of the ride to the university district. When Paul pulled up in front of the rental house, Ruth noticed the lights were on, which meant Lynn was home.
They sat side by side in the car with out speaking until Paul roused him self to open his door. He walked around to escort her from the passenger side, then accompanied her to the porch.
Ruth half expected him to kiss her. He didn’t.
“Will I see you again?” she asked as he began to leave.
He turned back and stood there, stiff and for mal. “Probably not.”
“You mean this is it? This is good bye…as if I meant nothing…as if we were strangers?” She felt out raged that he could abandon her like this, with out a word. It was unkind and un fair…and life wasn’t that simple.
“Is there any thing left to say?” he asked.
“Of course there is,” she cried. She didn’t know what, but surely there was something. Hurting and angry, Ruth gestured wildly with her arms. “You can’t be serious! Are you re ally going to walk away? Just like that?”
“Yes.” The word was de void of emotion.
“You aren’t going to write me again?”
“No.”
This was unbelievable.
“Call me?”
“No.”
She glared at him. “In other words, you’re going to act as if you’d never even met me, as if I’d never mailed that Christmas card.”
A hint of a smile flickered over his tightly controlled features. “I’m certainly going to give it my best shot.”
“Fine, then,” she muttered. If he thought so little of her, then he could do as he wished. She didn’t want to be with a man who didn’t care about her feelings, just his own.
Nine
True to his word, Paul didn’t get in touch with her after their Tues day-night dinner. The first day, her anger carried her. Then she convinced her self that he’d contact her before he left for Camp Pendleton. Not so. Paul Gordon—correction, Sergeant Paul Gordon, USMC—was out of her life and that was perfectly fine with her. Only it wasn’t.
A week later, as she sat in her “Theories of Learning” class, taking notes, her determination faltered. She wanted to push all thoughts of Paul out of her mind for ever; instead, he was constantly there.
What upset her most was the cold-blooded way he’d dismissed her from his life. It seemed so easy for him, so…simple. She was gone for him, as if she meant nothing. That hurt, and it didn’t stop hurting.
Ruth blinked, forcing her self to listen to the lecture. If she flunked this course, Paul Gordon would be to blame.
After class she walked across cam pus, her steps slow and deliberate. She felt no urge to hurry. But when her cell phone rang, she nearly dropped her purse in her eager ness. Could it be Paul? Had he changed his mind? Had he found it impossible to for get her, the same way she couldn’t forget him? A dozen more questions flew through her mind before she man aged to answer.
“Hello?” She sounded excited and breath less at the same time.
“Ruth.” The familiar voice of a long time friend, Tina Dupont, greeted her. They talked for a few minutes, and arranged to meet at the library at the end of the week. Four minutes after she’d answered her cell, it was back in her purse.
She was too rest less to sit at home and study, which was how she’d spent every night since her last date with Paul, so she decided to go out. That was what she needed, she told her self with forced enthusiasm. Find people, friends, a party. Something to do, some where to be.
Al though it was midafternoon, she took the bus down to the waterfront, where she’d met Paul the first night. That wasn’t a smart idea. She wasn’t up t
o dealing with memories. Be fore she could talk her self out of it, Ruth hopped on the Bremerton ferry. A visit with her grandmother would lift her spirits in a way nothing else could. Be sides, if Helen felt strong enough, she wanted to hear the rest of the story, especially the role her grand father had played.
As she stepped off the foot ferry from Bremerton to Cedar Cove, it occurred to Ruth that she should’ve phoned first. But it was un likely her grand mother would be out. And if she was, Ruth figured she could wander around Cedar Cove for a while. That would help fill the void threatening to swallow her whole.
The trudge up the hill to her grand mother’s house seemed twice as steep and three times as long. Funny, when she’d been with Paul, the climb hadn’t even winded her. That was be cause she’d been laughing and joking with him, she remembered—and wished she hadn’t. Alone, hands shoved in her pockets, she felt drained of energy.
Reaching 5-B Poppy Lane, she saw that the front door to her grand mother’s duplex stood open, although the old-fashioned wooden screen was shut. The last remaining tulips bloomed in primary colors as vivid as the rain bow. Walking up the steps, Ruth rang the door bell. “Grandma! Are you home?”
No one answered. “Grandma?”
Alarm jolted through her. Had something happened to her grand mother? She pounded on the door and was even more alarmed when a white-haired woman close to her grand mother’s age came to ward her.
“Hello,” the older lady said pleasantly. “Can I help you?”
“I’m looking for my grand mother.”
The woman un latched the screen door and swung it open. “You must be Ruth. I don’t think Helen was expecting you. I’m Charlotte Rhodes.”
“Charlotte,” Ruth repeated. “Helen’s spoken of you so often. It’s wonderful to meet you.”
“You, too,” Charlotte said, taking Ruth’s hand. “I’m happy to make your acquaintance.”
Ruth nodded, but she couldn’t stop herself from blurting out, “Is any thing wrong with my grand mother?”
“Oh, no, not at all. We’re sit ting on the patio, talking and knitting. Helen’s counting stitches and asked me to get the door. She assumed it was a sales man and my job was to get rid of him…or her.” Charlotte laughed. “Not that I’m much good at that. Just the other day, a Girl Scout came to my door selling cookies. When I bought four boxes, she announced that every kid comes to my house first, be cause I’ll buy any thing. Especially for charity.”
Ruth grinned. “I think my grand mother must be like that, too.”
“Why do you suppose she sent me to the door?” Charlotte joked. “Your grand mother’s knitting a Fair Isle sweater. It’s her first one and she asked me over to get her started.”
“Per haps I should come back at a more convenient time?” Ruth didn’t want to interrupt the two women.
“Non sense! She’d never for give me if you left. Besides, I was just gathering my things to head on home. My husband will be wondering what’s kept me so long.” Charlotte led the way through the house.
As soon as Ruth stepped onto the brick patio, her grand mother’s eyes lit up with pleasure. “Ruth! What a welcome surprise.”
Ruth bent for ward and kissed Helen’s cheek.
Charlotte Rhodes collected her knitting, saying she’d talk to Helen at the Senior Center on Mon day, and left.
“Sit down, sit down,” Helen urged, motioning at the chair next to her. “Help your self to iced tea if you’d like.” Strands of yarn were wrapped around both index fingers as she held the needles. One was red, the other white. “You can find a glass, can’t you?”
“Yes, of course, but I’m fine,” Ruth assured her, enjoying the sun shine and the sights and sounds of Cedar Cove. The earth in her grand mother’s gar den smelled warm and clean—the way it only smelled in spring. Inhaling deeply, Ruth sat down, staring at the cove with its sparkling blue water.
“Where’s Paul?” her grand mother asked, as if noticing for the first time that he wasn’t with her.
Ruth’s serenity was instantly destroyed and she struggled to disguise her misery. “He went to the marines’ camp in California.”
“Oh.” Her grand mother seemed disappointed. “I imagine you miss him.”
Ruth decided to let the comment slide.
“I liked him a great deal,” her grand mother said, rubbing salt into Ruth’s al ready wounded heart. Helen’s focus was on her knitting, but when Ruth didn’t immediately respond, she looked up.
Ruth met her eyes and ex haled forcefully. “Would you mind if we didn’t discuss Paul?”
Her re quest was met with a puzzled glance. “Why?”
Ruth decided she might as well tell her. “We won’t be seeing each other again.”
“Re ally?” Her grand mother’s expression was downcast. “I thought highly of that young man. Any particular reason?”
“Actually,” Ruth said, “there are several. He’s in the military, which you al ready know.”
Her grand mother carefully set her knitting aside and reached for her glass of iced tea, giving Ruth her full attention. “You knew that when you first met, I believe.”
“Yes, I did, but I assumed that in time he’d be released from his commitment and re turn to civilian life. He told me that won’t be the case, that the military’s his career.” In for the long haul, as he’d put it. Granted, she’d known about his dedication to the marines from the beginning, but he’d known about her feelings, too. Did her preferences matter less than his?
“I see.” Her grand mother studied her.
Ruth wondered if she truly did. “What re ally up sets me is the heart less way he left. I told him I wasn’t sure I could live with the fact that he’d chosen the military.” The memory angered her, and she raised her voice. “Then Paul had the audacity to say I wouldn’t be hearing from him again and he…he just walked away.” Ruth hadn’t planned to spill out the whole story minutes after she arrived, but she couldn’t hold it in side a second longer.
Her grand mother’s response shocked her into silence. Helen smiled.
“For give me,” her grand mother said gently, leaning for ward to give Ruth’s hand a small squeeze. “Sam did something similar, you see.”
The irritation died instantly. “I wanted to ask you about my grand father.”
A peaceful look came over Helen. “He was a wonderful man. And he saved me.”
“From the Germans, you mean?”
Helen shook her head. “Technically, it was General Pat ton and the Third Army who saved us. Pat ton knew what Buchenwald was. He knew that a three-hour wait meant twenty-thou sand lives be cause the Germans had been given orders to kill all prisoners before surrendering. Against every rule of caution, Pat ton mounted an at tack, cut ting off the SS troops from the camp. Be cause of his decisive move, the Germans were forced to flee or surrender. By that time, the German soldiers knew they were defeated. They threw down their guns and surrendered. Sam was with Pat ton on the march, so, yes, he contributed to my rescue and that of count less others. But when I say your grand father saved me, I mean he saved me from my self.”
“I want to hear about him, if you’re willing to tell me.” Ruth straightened, perching on the edge of her seat.
Her grand mother closed her eyes. “I cannot speak about the years in Buchenwald, not even to you.”
Ruth reached for Helen’s hand, stroking the soft skin over the gnarled and prominent knuckles. “That’s fine, Grandma.”
“I wanted to die, wished it with all my heart. With out Jean-Claude, it was harder to live than to die. Living was the cruelest form of punishment.” Tears pooled in her eyes and she blinked them away.
“When the Americans came,” Helen continued, “the gates were opened and we were free. It was a delicious feeling—freedom al ways is—but one never appreciates it until it’s taken away. The soldiers spoke English, and I went to them and explained that I was an American. I had no identification or any thing to prove my claim, so I kept repeati
ng the ad dress where my parents lived in New York. I was des per ate to get word to them that I was alive. They hadn’t heard from me in al most five years.
“One of the soldiers brought me to their head quarters. I was completely emaciated, and I’m sure my stench was enough to nauseate any one standing within twenty feet. The young man then took me to his lieu ten ant, whose name was Sam Shelton. From that moment for ward, Sam took care of me. He saw that I had food and water, clothes and access to showers and any thing else I needed.”
Ruth shuddered at the thought of her grand mother’s physical and mental condition following her release.
Her grand mother paused to take a deep breath, and when she spoke again, it was in an other language, what Ruth assumed was German. Pressing her hand on Helen’s, she stopped her. “Grandma, English, please.”
Her grand mother frowned. “Sorry.”
“Was that German?”
She shrugged, eyes wild and con fused. “I don’t know.”
After all those years in side a German camp, it made sense that she’d revert to the language. In her mind she’d gone back to that time, was reliving each incident.
“Go on. Please,” Ruth urged.
Helen sighed. “I don’t remember much about those first days of freedom.”
Ruth could easily understand that.
“Still, every memory I have is of the lieu ten ant at my side, watching over me. I was hospitalized, and I think I slept al most around the clock for three days straight, waking only long enough to eat and drink. Yet every time I opened my eyes, Sam was there. I’m sure that’s not possible, but that’s how I remember it.”
She picked up her tea with a trembling hand and sipped the cool liquid. “After a week—maybe more, I don’t know, time meant nothing to me—I was trans ported out of Germany and placed on a ship going to America. Sam wrote out his name and home ad dress in Washing ton State and gave it to me. I didn’t know why he’d do that.”
“Did you keep it?” Ruth asked.
“I did,” Helen confessed, “al though I didn’t think I’d ever need it. By the time I got back to New York, I was still skin and bones. My own parents didn’t even recognize me. My mother looked at me and burst into tears. I was twenty-four years old, and I felt sixty.”
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