“Then I won’t stop you.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I WON’T STOP YOU…I won’t stop you…I won’t stop you…
The edge of the razor slid into Bryan’s finger. “Damn it to hell!” he said, sucking on his finger as he went into the bathroom. He swore out loud the entire time it took him to stop the flow of blood and get a bandage on his finger. It didn’t matter what he said or how loud he said it. There was no one around to hear him.
I won’t stop you. What an incredibly asinine thing to tell her. What in hell had he been thinking? He could have at least tried to stop her. What did he have to lose by trying?
So why hadn’t he?
Turning off the bathroom light, Nicki’s bathroom light, he wandered into her bedroom. It was surprising how much stuff she’d been able to pack up in the half hour it had taken her to leave him. The room looked so vacant. Sure, her magazines were still stacked on the shelf. Her little jewelry box was still on the dresser. He opened her closet. Her winter clothes still hung there, and some dresses. There were even a couple of pairs of shoes.
He glanced back at the bed. But there was no Nicki. The room mocked him with its emptiness. Hell, the whole house mocked him. He’d bought it for her.
But if she didn’t want to be with him…
Bryan went back to his airplane.
He could have tried to stop her, but what good would it have done? He couldn’t make her want to stay. And deep down, he wondered who had more right to her, he or Jennifer. If he fought them, if they fought him back, if Nicki went to court and testified that she wanted to live with her biological mother, how much chance did an adoptive uncle stand?
Or was there another reason he hadn’t fought any harder to keep her? Deep down, had he welcomed the chance to hand over the mammoth responsibility of looking after Nicki, of dealing with her ups and downs? Had he, per chance, wanted his freedom, as Jennifer had accused earlier that evening?
He looked at his watch. It had only been four hours ago that Jennifer had appeared in his office, but it seemed like days. Then again, Nicki had become his in the space of five minutes, the time it took a tornado to destroy half a town. Why shouldn’t he lose her just as quickly?
He’d become a father overnight. The question was, could he resume his old life just as rapidly? Did he want to?
He finished the model at three o’clock in the morning. He’d have gone outside to try it out, but he didn’t want to wake the neighbors. So instead, he wandered around the house again, thinking of the things he’d been planning to do, the dark paneling he wanted to rip out in the den, the tile he wanted to lay in place of the outdoor carpet on the covered porch, the wall of windows he wanted to put in in his bedroom. He’d promised Nicki a pool for the backyard, and he’d figured he’d throw in a Jacuzzi for himself, as well.
He’d planned to landscape the whole backyard around the pool, building a fountain made out of rocks that would empty into the deep end of the pool. And he’d wanted fruit trees, too, and lots of lush green grass so Nicki could run around barefoot.
But what did he know? A pool was probably a pain to take care of. And grass had to be cut. Maybe he’d just sell the house.
He was behind his drafting table at Innovative Advertising two hours later, chased out of the house by something he didn’t understand. He’d showered and changed his jeans for a pair of shorts, his polo shirt for a bright red tank top, and he’d left his hair loose over his shoulders. He was going to go to the batting cages as soon as they opened at ten o’clock, and then maybe he’d try to catch a Braves game. And surely there was someone he could call for a date that night, even at this late notice…
Anything was better than going home to that house again. He couldn’t stand another evening there.
JENNIFER BARELY SLEPT all night. She missed Bryan.
And her daughter was asleep in bed right on the other side of the wall. Jennifer shivered with disbelief just thinking about it. She got up out of bed three times to make sure Nicki was really there. And she watched the clock until she knew Tanya and Dennis would be up. Maybe when she told her friends about Nicki it would begin to seem real.
Damn him. Damn him for using her, for making her believe in love again, for showing her how wonderful love could be. Damn him for not being there to share Nicki with her, to share her excitement—and her fear that it was all just an incredible dream. To hold her until she believed.
Damn him for not loving her.
But he’d given her Nicki. He’d given her back her daughter. So try as she might, she couldn’t hate him.
Nicki was still sleeping soundly at seven o’clock. Jennifer stood in the doorway of her guest room, Nicki’s room as of last night, and watched the covers rise and fall with her daughter’s breathing. Nicki’s hair was tangled and spread all over her pillow. Lucy was curled up to her chest, almost as if Nicki had been cuddling her before she’d fallen asleep.
Tears filled Jennifer’s eyes and slid slowly down her face as she stood there watching, trying not to think of the years she’d lost, thankful beyond comprehension for the years she’d just gained.
She’d been through so much, this poor baby of hers, but Jennifer was set to shower Nicki with enough love to ease the pain that had taken over the child’s life. She was going to do whatever it took to help Nicki be happy again.
It wasn’t going to be easy, Jennifer knew. Nicki had barely said a word since they’d left Bryan’s house the night before, in spite of the fact that she’d insisted she wanted to come live with Jennifer more than anything else in the world. And even though Jennifer had already suspected Bryan had planned all along to ease his own responsibility to Nicki by bringing her, Jennifer, into the picture, she was still surprised by how easily he’d capitulated to Nicki’s request. Surprised, and hurt.
And Nicki must have been hurt by it, too. No matter how much she thought she wanted to live with her birth mother, she still loved her uncle—and she’d already lost so much.
Leaving Nicki’s door open a crack, Jennifer went out to the kitchen and phoned Tanya.
“Are you free for lunch?” she asked her friend as soon as they’d said hello.
“I think so.” Tanya sounded sleepy.
Jennifer wrapped the cord around her finger. “I have something to show you. How about meeting me at Max’s?” She named one of their favorite restaurants.
“Sure. What time?”
“Noon.”
“Fine. Now what’re you not telling me?” Her friend was definitely awake now.
“Why does there have to be something I’m not telling you?”
“Because I’ve never heard you sound so, I don’t know, excited, maybe.”
“I’ll see you at lunch,” Jennifer said, intending to hang up before Tanya could worm her surprise out of her. She wanted to see Tanya’s face when she walked in and saw Nicki sitting there with her. She wanted to see if Tanya noticed the resemblance between them, or if she was only imagining it.
“It’s Bryan, isn’t it? He’s asked you to marry him.”
“No. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’m going to be seeing him as much.”
“You’re not…But Dennis said your trip to the beach was a miraculous success. He said you and Bryan even, you know…”
“I never told him that!”
“I know. He just said he could tell.”
Jennifer felt stupid, blushing on the telephone. “Well, it doesn’t matter now. It’s over.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t sound so disappointed in me. I didn’t do it this time. He did.”
“Oh. Oh-h-h.” Now the word was filled with sympathy.
“Yeah,” Jennifer said, promising herself she wouldn’t cry again. She’d been a fool to think she could have it all. And at least Bryan hadn’t left her all alone. He’d given her the one thing she’d wanted more than anything else in life—a second chance with her daughter.
And she wasn’t going to ruin it by wanti
ng his love, too. She just wasn’t.
“What happened?” Tanya finally asked.
“Wait until after lunch, and then I’ll answer any questions you have left.”
“It’s not nice to drive a pregnant woman crazy, Jen.”
“Lunch, Tanya. Oh, and tell Dennis I won’t be in today, okay?”
“You sure you’re all right?” Tanya asked, sounding concerned again.
“I’ve never been better,” Jennifer said, though it was only partly true. She yearned for Bryan. As much as he yearned for freedom.
“HAS UNCLE BRYAN ever met your friend?” Nicki asked Jennifer as they sat at their table at Max’s later that morning waiting for Tanya to arrive. It was the fourth time she’d mentioned her uncle that morning.
“He met her once at one of her art shows. But he knows her husband pretty well. Dennis works for me.”
“So she’s the artist Uncle Bryan told me about you being friends with?”
“She must be, ‘cause she’s the only artist friend I have.”
Nicki was wearing the same flowered culotte dress she’d worn the first night Jennifer had met her. She looked beautiful. Jennifer felt like everyone in the restaurant was looking at them, recognizing them as mother and daughter. She wanted to introduce Nicki to every last one of them.
“Do they…know about me?”
Jennifer covered her daughter’s hand with her own. She hated that frightened-doe look in Nicki’s eyes, and wondered what it was going to take to help Nicki feel secure again.
“They don’t know yet that I found you, if that’s what you mean.”
“But they know you had me? Had a baby, I mean?”
“Dennis brought me home from the hospital after I had you.”
“Where was your mom?”
“At work.”
“But you said you had stitches and stuff.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Jeez,” Nicki said. Jennifer nodded. That just about summed it up.
“Tanya spent your first birthday with me.”
“She did?” Nicki brightened. “You mean you celebrated it, too?”
Jennifer wasn’t sure how much to tell Nicki, how much the child needed to hear or should hear, about that time in her life. “Sort of,” she said.
“You remembered at least,” Nicki said, making the words sound more like a question, an important question.
“I never forgot, Nicki. Not for a second. That night I cried almost the whole night. I’d just lost the first year of your life and I knew I was never going to get it back,” she said, listening to her instincts.
Her stomach tightened when tears sprang to Nicki’s eyes. She’d made her daughter cry. “I’m glad,” Nicki said. “I mean, I’m not glad you were sad, but I’m glad you remembered, like you really cared and all.”
“I always cared, Nick. Always.”
“Jennifer?”
Jennifer turned at the sound of her friend’s voice. Tanya was coming toward them like the building was on fire.
“You found her? Why didn’t you tell me?” Tanya asked, staring at Nicki. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”
Nicki looked as if she was ready to bolt.
“Sit down, Tanya,” Jennifer said, concerned for Nicki, but so full of pride she thought she’d burst.
“Where did you find her?” Tanya was still looking at Nicki as she slid into her chair. “I can’t believe how much she looks like you.”
Nicki stared at her plate.
“You’ll have to excuse Tanya, Nick. She never did have any manners, but she’s nice enough once you get to know her, I promise,” Jennifer said lightly.
Nicki glanced at Jennifer, an uncertain smile flickering across her face.
“Tanya Bradford, meet Nicki Hubbard. Nicki, this blabbermouth is my friend, Tanya.”
“Hi,” Nicki said.
“Hello yourself, sweetie,” Tanya said, embracing Nicki with her smile. “I’ve been waiting a long time to meet you, and you’re even more beautiful than I imagined.”
Nicki blushed.
Their waitress came over, having seen Tanya arrive, and they were soon taken up with the business of ordering lunch, all three of them deciding on turkey croissants. Nicki was having hers with french fries.
Tanya looked from Nicki to Jennifer again as soon as their waitress walked away. “Boy, your lawyer sure works fast.”
Jennifer put down the water glass she’d been sipping from. “My lawyer?”
Tanya frowned. “Isn’t that how you two found each other?”
Jennifer shook her head. “I haven’t heard back from him yet.”
“You were looking for me?” Nicki gazed at Jennifer with glowing eyes.
Jennifer nodded. “I had to find you before I could love your uncle and the child I thought was just his niece.”
“You did?”
“I couldn’t give my heart to you until I knew for sure that my own child was happy.”
“Oh.” Her daughter was smiling the biggest smile Jennifer had ever seen. “I thought you didn’t want to find me. Uncle Bryan told me you hadn’t registered,” her daughter explained.
Jennifer covered Nicki’s hand with her own, afraid to tell Nicki the truth—but more afraid not to. There had already been too many lies in their relationship. “I didn’t until just a week ago. I didn’t want to interfere in your life, honey.” That part was easy. “And I was afraid to know where you were, knowing I couldn’t be a part of your life, afraid of how badly it would hurt.”
Nicki pulled her hand away. “But I needed you.”
“I’m sorry, Nicki. So sorry. But the truth is, until very recently, I believed that even if you needed me, I’d just fail you again, like I had when I was sixteen. That’s why I didn’t register to find you sooner. Not because I didn’t love you.”
“Wait just a minute here,” Tanya said, looking from one to the other of them. “Are you saying that she’s Bryan Chambers’s niece? The one you went to the beach with?”
Jennifer and Nicki looked at each other and nodded.
“And you didn’t know…He didn’t…Oh, my G— Oh. But why?”
“He wanted to make sure we got along before he introduced us. He didn’t want Nicki to be hurt any more than she already had been.”
Nicki’s gaze flew to Jennifer. “He didn’t?”
“Didn’t he tell you that?”
Nicki shook her head.
“That’s why he didn’t let you know who I was, Nicki. He was trying to protect you the best way he knew how.”
“Well, if she’s his niece and your daughter,” Tanya asked, confused, “then what’s the matter with you and him?”
“It wasn’t me he wanted so much as a mother for Nicki,” Jennifer said, choosing her words carefully in front of Nicki.
“You don’t know my uncle,” Nicki said, sounding far more mature than her twelve years. “He’s always taking off for places, and you can’t do that when you have a kid around. I guess you can’t do it with a girlfriend around, either, only he didn’t show it with Jennifer because of who she was.”
Tanya looked at Jennifer. “This is true?”
“Maybe. A little,” Jennifer said.
“Well, what happens now?”
Jennifer took her daughter’s hand, gave it a squeeze and held on to it. “We live happily ever after…”
“HOW IS SHE?” His voice jolted Jennifer out a sleepinduced haze.
“Bryan?”
“Of course. Is everything okay?”
She pushed herself up in bed, willing her heartbeat to settle back to its normal pace. He was calling about Nicki.
“Fine. We’re fine. She’s fine. She’s asleep.”
“I figured she would be. That’s why I waited so late to call. I don’t want her to think I’m checking up on her or anything.”
“Then why are you calling?” His voice sounded so good to her, too good.
“To check up on her, of course. I…Oh, never mind. I’ll
call you tomorrow.” He made it sound like a chore.
“You don’t have to do that, you know. We’re doing fine. I’d call you if we weren’t.”
“You’re telling me not to call you anymore?”
Did he have to make it sound so final?
“I’m telling you it’s not necessary.”
“Have you been reminding her to brush her teeth? She just got her braces off six months ago.”
“She’s brushing her teeth, Bryan, and eating, and she even took a shower today.” You’re free to get on with your life. Now let me get on with mine.
“Lucy’s not getting in your way, is she?”
What did it take to ease this man’s conscience? If he needed to be free, they weren’t going to hold him back. She and Nicki had discussed it over dinner.
“Lucy’s fine, though she’s missing her yard, of course. I’m thinking about looking around for a house someplace. Right after I look into schools.”
“It sounds like you’re taking to motherhood just fine.”
She was. It was the womanhood she was still struggling with. He’d been her lover for one night, and she felt like she’d lost a limb.
“I guess I’m better at it than I thought.”
“Good. Good.” Was that relief she heard in his voice? Was he now going to take off into the sunset? She’d told herself that she wouldn’t hold him back, that she didn’t want a man who couldn’t be happy by her side, a man she’d constantly have to worry about leaving her. And yet she’d never thought saying goodbye would hurt so much.
“I never meant to hurt you, Jen.”
“I know.” But that didn’t stop the tears from springing to her eyes. Again.
“Maybe we could—”
“I don’t think so, Bryan.” She cut him off before he talked her into settling for less than she really wanted. She’d been doing that all her life, believing that she wasn’t worthy of more, that she was weak-willed, and she wasn’t going to do it ever again. She wasn’t looking at herself through her parents’ eyes anymore.
“I’ll call you tomorrow night.” He hung up before she could beg him to leave her alone, and she didn’t trust herself to call him back. She lay down, but the sleep she needed so badly eluded her. She was counting the hours until she heard his voice again. And torturing herself with images of just what he might be doing with his newfound freedom.
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