by Amber Lacie
Of course, I knew that would be tossed out the window as soon as I got home.
On the walk home, life decided to throw me curveball. I was passing a newsstand when a magazine caught my eye. Arlo’s rock star was on the front page. Picking it up, I quickly flipped through the pages until I found the article. The pictures inside were of the kids and Arlo. She looked beautiful, but my focus wasn’t on her. It was on our son. He was going to be turning thirteen soon. It seemed crazy to me that he could be that old and that I had missed so much of his life.
When Arlo first told me she was pregnant I was so fucking nervous. I had no business being a father. I tried to make things right. I even went so far as to bring Arlington with me when I met with my father to plead for him to let me go. That proved to be a mistake. I should never have taken her there. Once he had something to hold over me, it was game over. I got myself a normal job with a paycheck. Hell, I was finally paying taxes, but in my mind, it wasn’t good enough.
Shortly after meeting Arlo, Dear Old Dad started to push me to hustle some product around for him. I did everything but flip him the bird for even suggesting the idea. But then he held Arlo out on a string. If I didn’t jump for him, he was going to end both of their lives. I told myself it would be a one-time thing, but when the money started rolling in again, I couldn’t stop. All I wanted was to offer them a world where they could have anything they wanted. And I did, for a while. Everything was going great until the suits came for me.
Thank God for my uncle. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have had any warning. Because of him I was able to get Arlo out of the apartment. That day, I sent her to the store with a wad of cash to shop for the baby. I knew when she came home I would be gone, so I took the time to memorize every inch of her face before she left. I was an awful boyfriend and an even worse father.
While I was in prison, I had Jim keep a close eye on them, just to make sure my father didn’t go after them. My heart shattered when she came to say goodbye, but I also found some relief in knowing she wouldn’t be in Chicago anymore. Her rock star boyfriend could give her the life I never did. I chose money and a life of crime over them. I’d be damned if I was going make that mistake twice. I made a vow to myself––I was going to do right by Piper.
Closing the magazine, I put it back on the rack where I had picked it up. Next to it, sat a whole wall full of flyers. A bright green one advertising for a benefit concert immediately caught my eye. A local radio station was sponsoring a couple of well-known bands to come and play a private showing at Clocks, a local bar. All the money raised would go towards raising awareness for Autism. After looking over the list of bands, I knew the concert would be sold out.
Pulling out my phone, I quickly snapped a picture of the flyer. I needed to at least try to explain my choices. Serious guilt had been eating at me, and I needed to admit to my fuck ups. I knew Arlo would never agree to meet with me. Hell, it’s not like I blamed her either. If I were her, I’d hate me too. Still, I was holding out hope that maybe her husband would be willing to hear me out, even if just for a few minutes. The Knight Owls were probably already in the city, so I had thirty-six hours to make a plan. Though, before I could focus on any of that I needed to make it home.
After arriving back home, I found that Jim hadn’t made it back from the last run he’d done for Roscoe. Hiding under my father’s thumb was proving difficult. However, in an effort to keep up appearances, Jim continued working the jobs he was given. In the meantime, I had been trying to bide my time with Piper, but as it turns out, dragging it out had put a mark on my head. The fact that there could be one on hers had never crossed my mind until Jim clued me in a few days ago. I had been wracking my brain for days, and I still hadn’t figured out the connection between Piper, Tate, and Beckett. There was a clue that tied them all together and somehow, I had missed it.
Jumping in the shower, I hoped it would help to clear my mind and bring some insight as to where I had gone wrong. One thing was for sure––I needed to figure out what Piper knew and why my father wanted her back so badly.
I could hear the front door shut, followed by footsteps. Ben was back. I lay perfectly still in the bed, pretending to still be sleeping, as he walked into the bathroom. By now, I was used to the boys coming and going. The constant whispers and conversations behind my back were nothing new, but this felt different. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it just felt like they were hiding something from me––more than usual.
Careful not to let him see that I was awake, I peered at him from the bed. I could see his hesitation as he stood by the bedroom door, contemplating whatever his next move was. Whatever it was loomed over him like a storm cloud. The confidence he always wore for armor was gone. Instead, he looked unsure, worried even.
At first, I thought about jumping in the shower with him, but I knew if I did that, anything I had wanted to say to him would be forgotten in an instant. Noticing that he was taking longer than usual, I grabbed the crossword puzzle book from the drawer in the nightstand that Jim had left for me.
Sprawling out across the bed on my stomach with my knees bent, I randomly kicked my feet in the air as I began working on the puzzle I had started the day before. Thankfully, Jim had given me a dictionary as well. The new puzzle book was a bit harder than what I was used to, so it came in handy for looking up words. I was about half way through my puzzle before I noticed Ben standing at the edge of the bed, looking down at me, in his black sweats and gray t-shirt.
“Why do you love those things so much?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I guess it gives me something to focus on. Besides, these particular ones are really hard.”
“Are those the new ones Jim brought you back a few nights ago?”
“Mmhmm. He gave me this dictionary too.” I excitedly held the book up in the air to show him. “I like learning the new words. For example, take number sixteen across. It says, ‘the scientific study of insects.’ I had no idea what that was, right? I mean, I guessed the ‘ology’ part because that’s Latin for the study of, but I didn’t know the rest. So, I started flipping through the dictionary and I found it. Do you know what it is?” I asked, unable to control my excitement.
“Nope. Teach me, oh wise one.”
I rolled my eyes, turning onto my side so I could get a better look at him. “I’m wiser than you, and the word is entomology.”
“I can honestly say, that before this moment I had no clue it existed or what it was called.”
“Well, now you do. Where were you this morning? I don’t like waking up and being left alone.”
“Just out for a walk. I needed a breath of fresh air, I guess.” It bothered me that the lie rolled so easily off his tongue. Sure, I was used to being left out of the loop, but this felt personal.
“Hmmm.” I looked at him just long enough to make him uncomfortable under my gaze.
He smiled as he sat down beside me, pulling me into his lap. Winding my bare legs around his waist, I pressed my head to his chest. The smell of his soap washed over me, as I sat there breathing him in.
“Ben?” I whispered into his hard chest.
“Yeah, baby?”
“I can tell when you’re lying,” I stated matter of fact.
“Is that so?”
“Yup. Your eyes always drop down to the right and your jaw ticks just a bit.”
“Huh. I never realized I did any of that,” he muttered, a little shocked that I had noticed something so subtle.
“Well, you do.” My soft fingers slowly wrapped around the back of his neck as I brought my face directly in front of his. “I never question you or Jim––but I hear the whispers, and I know some are about me. I also know some are about a guy named Brendan, and others are about Ox. I know you’re both plotting something, and I figure when the time is right, you’ll let me in on it. But when you came back, it felt different. You didn’t even hesitate when you lied to me. I know you want to protect me, like it’s your sacred duty, b
ut you can’t keep me hidden away forever. This isn’t a tower and I’m not a princess, so why did you lie to me just now?”
He sat quietly for a moment, just looking back at me, most likely trying to figure out which lie to tell me next. Letting out a long, deep sigh, he tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. “What’s your sister’s name?”
“What does that have to do with what I just asked you?”
“Because I’m trying to find her for you. If I had her full name and where you last saw her, it might make it a little easier.”
He’s trying to find her? My heart was suddenly in the middle of a gymnastics meet, doing flips in my chest. “Christina Matthews.” It occurred to me at that moment just how little we knew about each other. “She’s older than me. She was taking care of me, but they found us in sleeping bags under a bridge in Indianapolis. The social worker said they’d try to keep us together. They lied. The last thing I remember was her telling me that it was going to be okay. It wasn’t. It was never okay after that.” I swallowed trying to steel my nerves. That was the first time I had openly spoken about her to someone else. My heart ached. I missed her so much. I often wondered if my life would’ve been different had we stayed together. Though, as quickly as the thought entered my mind, I dismissed it. There was no sense in dwelling on something I couldn’t change.
“Matthews. Is that your last name too?”
“Yeah.”
He nodded his head. Oddly, the silence comforted me. Nestled against him, we sat in silence for just a bit longer before he finally spoke. “What happened after you got separated?”
“I was dropped in the system like a bag of wet trash. I was in and out of homes, until the day I ran away. I never looked back.”
“How did you end up with Saint?” he asked, the pain evident upon his face.
I knew he would ask eventually. Hell, he probably thought I was some junky looking for a free score. “I found it easier to lie low in small towns, so I had a little camp along the river. It had been days since I had eaten, and I saw these men leave a cooler on the pier. I waited hours for them to come back for it, but they never did. So, I helped myself. Turns out, I didn’t wait long enough. They caught me and dragged me up to the house. Saint said I had a debt to pay. The longer I was there, the bigger my debt grew. I didn’t think I was ever gonna be free of him. If you hadn’t come, I think they’d still have me locked down there.” An icy shiver of fear ran down my spine. Just thinking of being back in the room had me panicked. A cold sweat covered my body, and I quickly pushed myself up from his lap as the need for my own space took over me.
“Hey, hey,” Ben whispered softly. “You’re not there anymore. I won’t ever let you go back. No one will hurt you here.” He reached out his arm. Out of instinct, I took a step back. I could see the hurt on his face, and it gutted me. I wished I could have explained my reaction to him, but he wouldn’t have understood. No one would. Not unless everything was stripped from them until even their soul was gone.
Bile suddenly rose in my throat. Quickly covering my mouth, I made a bee-line to the bathroom. I vomited before I could even make it to the toilet. Panic set in and I quickly tried to clean up my mess with some towels that were lying on the ground. Sadly, it wasn’t working. It only made it worse.
My breaths became quicker, sharper, as spots started to appear at the corner of my eyes. I know this feeling. I’m going to fall into the darkness and then they were going to come for me. Suddenly, an arm wrapped around my waist and I screamed. My arms and legs thrashed wildly in the air as I was lifted from the floor. I could hear someone saying my name repeatedly, but they sounded so far away. Closing my eyes, the spots grew as the darkness took over.
I don’t know how long I was out, but it was one of the worst panic attacks I had ever had. When I finally came to, Ben’s long limbs were wrapped around me, holding me tightly against his body. The clean smell of his soap and soft remnants of mint filled my senses. I’m safe. As long as I am with Ben, I’m safe.
Like a tidal wave during a tsunami, the moments before I blacked out washed over me. I could feel my face begin to heat in embarrassment. I had gone completely batshit crazy. Poor Ben had watched me fall apart. I wish he hadn’t seen me like that, but then again, I suppose it was bound to happen. He knew I was damaged goods, but I didn’t want to advertise my crazy so openly to him––to anyone. I wanted to pretend as though everything was okay, even though it wasn’t.
I pressed my nose against the soft flesh of his neck, the roughness of his beard tickling my forehead as a smile danced across my lips. Placing a small kiss on his Adam’s apple, I hoped he would understand how grateful I was for his care.
“You’re awake?” he whispered, running his fingers through my hair.
“I guess I am. Ben, I––”
“Stop. I know you’re going to try to explain it, or make some lame excuse, and I don’t want to hear any of it. Nothing you did was your fault. Nothing.”
I clung tighter to him as he spoke. I was so afraid he was going to let go.
“Piper, I don’t think you’re hearing me––you did nothing wrong. None of it was your fault. Losing your sister, foster care, the cooler, the men…none of it. You were just an innocent young woman.”
“What could you possibly want with me?” I muttered. The words had fallen out of my mouth before I even had the time to register them in my brain.
Ben slowly titled my chin upwards, his eyes searching my face, before pressing a soft, tender kiss to my lips. “Sweet girl, you have no idea how beautiful you are.”
“Because I’m not.”
“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You’re everything that’s good in this world, and I’m everything that’s evil. I’m trying so hard to right all my wrongs for you, for us.”
“You can’t possibly be evil.”
His hand softly dropped back onto the mattress. “You name it and I’ve probably done it. Drugs, money, theft, blackmail… I’ve maimed and killed people without hesitation. Seeing the light leave someone’s eyes because you’ve stolen their last breath is a darkness so black it suffocates any good left in your soul.”
I danced my fingers along his waist. “And would you do any of those things to me?”
“Never.”
My lips curled up into a smile knowing he would never hurt me––not like that, not like them.
“But I would do those for you,” he added.
Any other person would probably have recoiled from the darkness in his honesty, but I bathed in it. Knowing he would go to those lengths for me, after everything I had been through, only cemented in my heart what I already knew.
I love him.
Sliding my hands farther down his waist, I slipped my fingers under the band of his sweats. Imagine my delight when I realized he wasn’t wearing any boxers again. We ended up spending the rest of the day wrapped around one another. I loved how alive my body felt when I was with him. It was even better when I was underneath him.
The sun was just beginning to set, and Ben was lying beside me with his head resting in my lap. Suddenly, my stomach rumbled loudly, announcing its boycott against starvation. Lucky me, he saved the day by ordering us some pizza, along with a couple of sodas. He laughed at me when I had said the word ‘soda’. I was quickly informed that normal people called it ‘pop’. I just shrugged my shoulders in reply.
Toe-may-toe, toe- mah-toe––no matter how you look at it, it’s still a fucking fruit posing as a vegetable. It doesn’t matter what it’s called as long as it ends up in my stomach. I am starving.
The next morning, I awoke to the sound of Jim and Ben arguing. It seemed to be the only way they communicated anymore. Making my presence known, I loudly stomped into the kitchen, huffing as I slammed the cabinet doors. If I was going to stay here, I wanted to be let in on the situation. I was done hiding and pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t.
“Something wrong, Princess?” Jim asked, as he ploppe
d himself down on the sofa, and propped his feet up on the coffee table.
“Yes, you two are on my last nerve.”
Jim chuckled at my response as Ben wrapped his arm around my waist. “Didn’t we talk about you and pants?” he muttered.
“I don’t give a fuck if Jim sees me like this.”
“You might not, but I do,” he said firmly, his eyes darkening.
It didn’t matter to me that I was walking around in one of Ben’s shirts again. The only time he had a problem with it was when Jim was home. The shirts always covered my ass completely, so I didn’t see what the big deal was. “That’s your issue. Not mine.”
“Damn, Benny,” Jim taunted. “What did you do to the girl while I was gone? She’s feisty this morning.”
“Fuck if I know. Piper, stop––talk to me. What’s gotten into you?” His hands slid under my ass as he lifted me up onto counter. The memory of the last time I was propped up on a counter for him came to mind and I instinctively spread my legs, pulling him closer. His rough fingers ran up my bare calves as I chewed on my bottom lip. “You still haven’t answered me. What’s gotten into you?”
“You did. Last night,” I said with a mischievous look in my eye.
“You’re making a mess of my head, lady. Are you pissed or horny?”
“Why can’t I be both?”
Ben ran his hand along the back of his neck as he pulled himself from my grip. “I fucking adore you. Now, tell me why you’re so angry this morning.”
“Stop hiding shit from me.”
“Pipes, it’s not––” Jim interjected.
“Jim, you can just fuck off that bullshit right now. You’re both afraid I’m going to explode like some fucking ticking time bomb. Well, you’re right, here’s my fucking explosion!” I jumped down from the counter and pushed my index finger into Ben’s chest. “I’m a god damn fucking person! I know you’re both up to something, and I know it involves me. Either you tell me, or I fucking walk.”