He was slime, he told himself. Lower than slime. He was the single-celled creature that slime fed on. Because even though it was wrong, even though he was violating fifteen different kinds of moral conduct, he liked that she turned him on. Being around Cassie reminded Ryan that he was alive.
* * *
“THAT ONE,” Sasha said as she pointed at the candy. “This one, too.”
Ryan obligingly picked up the two pieces of candy in question and dropped them into the small, clear plastic bag decorated with grinning pumpkins. “She’s a tyrant,” he complained good-naturedly.
“You’re the one who told her she could pick what to put into the bags,” Cassie reminded him as she slid ghost-shaped sugar cookies onto the cooling rack. “Don’t come crying to me, now.”
“I know. How many of these bags do we need to do?”
She settled the last of the cookies in place, then put the empty sheet into the sink. After removing the oven mitts from her hands, she crossed to the kitchen table.
It had been a very good few days, Cassie thought happily. Ryan had responded well to her suggestion that he spend more time with his niece. They were getting to know each other and finding pleasure in each other’s company. On a personal level this meant she also spent more time with the man, but she wasn’t about to comment on that. Despite her crush, she knew that Sasha was the important one around here.
She counted the filled plastic bags. “You’ve done eighteen. We need twenty-four.” She bent down and hugged the toddler. “Are you helping?”
Sasha nodded, then pointed at Ryan. “Work!” she commanded.
He laughed. “Yes, ma’am. Gee, give the woman a little power and she’s ready to take over the world.”
“Must be genetic,” Cassie said casually, then laughed and jumped back when Ryan glanced at her sharply.
“Are you saying I’m a tyrant?” he asked, his gaze narrow in mock anger.
“I’ve heard bits of your phone calls, when I’ve brought you dinner,” she said. “You like ordering people around. I think it’s in the blood.”
“Did you hear that?” he asked Sasha. “She’s called us bossy. I don’t think that’s true. Just because we know what’s best for everyone. Right?”
Sasha blinked a couple of times, then planted her hands on her hips and looked at Cassie. “Right!”
“I’ve been outvoted. Fine. I’ll start making the icing for the cookies.”
As she collected ingredients, she had to hold in a sigh of contentment. Sasha and Ryan were doing great. She was thrilled that he’d offered to stay in the kitchen after dinner and help with the Halloween bags needed for the party at Sasha’s school. She ignored the fact that his actions played into her private fantasy that this was all actually real. It wasn’t, of course. It was play, and as long as she didn’t forget what was going on, she was allowed to enjoy pretending for as long as the situation lasted.
Abruptly, Ryan pushed back his chair and rose. “I’ve got work in my office,” he said without warning and left.
“Unk Ryan?” Sasha slid off the seat onto her feet and started after him. “Unk Ryan? Back! More work.”
Cassie put down the bowl she’d been holding and hurried to the toddler. She caught up with her in the hallway. Sasha stood staring at her uncle’s closed office door.
“He’s busy,” Cassie said quietly. “He’ll help us again tomorrow.” She glanced at her watch. It was nearly bedtime. “Let’s go give you a bath, then I’ll read you two stories.”
For a second Sasha’s lower lip quivered and Cassie was afraid she wasn’t going to allow herself to be distracted. But she finally held out her hand and Cassie led her away.
Two hours later it was Cassie’s turn to pause outside Ryan’s closed door, but unlike his niece, she knocked once, then entered. Ryan stood in front of the window, staring out into the darkness of the night.
There were several lamps on in the room and they reflected in the glass, creating a mirror effect. She could see his face, the pained expression and his closed eyes.
She hesitated, not sure what to say.
“I’m sorry,” he told her, his voice tight.
“What happened?”
“Nothing. I had to leave. I’ll explain it to Sasha tomorrow.” He opened his eyes and met her gaze in the window. “Is she all right?”
She nodded. “She’s asleep. I told her you were busy.”
“Thanks.”
He looked away as if expecting her to leave.
“What happened?” she repeated.
“I’m fine.”
She drew in a deep breath. Was she crossing the line? Did it matter? After all, she wasn’t about to back down. “I’m not going away.”
He turned toward her. “You never told me you were stubborn.”
“You never asked.”
He nodded, then motioned for her to take the seat opposite the desk. She did. He settled into his chair. “It’s going to sound really stupid,” he warned her.
“I doubt that, but I promise to listen anyway.”
He leaned back and stared at the ceiling. “It was Sasha. She tilted her head a certain way and in that split second, I saw my brother in her.”
“She’s his daughter. Why does that surprise you?”
“Because I never got it before. I knew in my head that she was John’s child and my niece, but I hadn’t internalized the information. I’d always thought of her as a person in her own right.”
His gaze slid down until it met hers. “I never bothered to come visit them,” he said quietly. “They lived less than two hundred miles away, but I was always too busy. I thought there would be time. So birthdays and anniversaries and Christmases went by, all without me. And now it’s too late.”
Cassie’s heart ached for him. He’d finally realized his brother was really and truly gone. “I’m sorry,” she murmured.
“Thanks.” He paused. “I wish I’d done things differently.”
The light from the floor lamps added depth and shadows to his strong face. His eyes were haunted by the pain of actions that would never be.
“You still have Sasha,” she said, knowing it was a small comfort, although it was the only one she had to offer.
“I know. I still don’t think I’m the right choice, but I’m glad they didn’t leave her to anyone else. She’s all that’s left of my brother.”
“No,” Cassie told him. “You have all the memories you carry around inside yourself. Those will always be with you.”
He leaned forward. Some of the tension left his body. “You’re right. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but it’s true.” He smiled. “Thank you, Cassie. You’re very insightful.”
It was, she knew, her cue to leave. So she wished him good-night and walked out. After closing the door behind her, she leaned against the thick wood and reminded herself it was just a crush. Nothing else. But at this moment, still feeling empathy for his pain, it felt like much, much more.
CHAPTER SEVEN
“CAN YOU smile?” Ryan asked as he adjusted the focus on the camera.
Sasha obliged him by placing one hand on her hip, gazing up at him and giving him a big grin.
“Very nice,” he told her. “You’re a beautiful princess.”
Sasha twirled around, then settled to the floor in a cloud of pink fabric. “Pincess! Me pincess.”
“Yes, you are a princess,” Cassie said, moving forward and straightening Sasha’s glittery cardboard crown. “The loveliest princess who ever graced a Halloween evening. Look at Uncle Ryan. He wants to take more pictures.”
Instead of following instructions, the toddler held out her arms for a hug. Cassie knelt down and gathered her close. “You’re going to have fun tonight,” she told the child.
Ryan l
ooked through the viewfinder of the camera and took three quick photos, then chose not to look too closely at his motives for doing so. Why would he want photographs of the nanny? Except he knew deep down inside that Cassie was more than that. Over the past few days, she’d also become a friend.
His conscience battled it out over conflicting needs and moral obligations. As his employee, Cassie was entitled to his consideration. As a friend, the same rules applied. The fact that he saw her as a desirable woman put a difficult spin on everything. He still respected her and wanted to pay attention to what was right, but he couldn’t stop noticing her, thinking about her, needing her.
She didn’t wear perfume, but a soft, clean feminine scent clung to her and drove him crazy. During the day he could hear her moving around the house and he wanted to go find her and be with her. He thought about her when he was supposed to be concentrating on work. The more he tried to dismiss her from his mind, the more she seemed to invade his every thought.
If she’d been just a pretty face, he probably could have forgotten about her fairly easily. But she wasn’t trying to get his attention. Most of the time he figured she thought of him as her uncle Ryan, as well as Sasha’s. She treated him like a much older, distant relative. Obviously the nearly nine-year age difference meant a lot more to her than it did to him.
So even as he took a couple more quick pictures of her, he told himself he had to let this fantasy fade. It was nonproductive and only left him aroused and restless.
“Where’s your pumpkin?” Cassie asked as she pulled Sasha to her feet and gave her costume a quick once-over. “Wasn’t it right here?”
Sasha frowned. “Pun’kin?”
“Yes, the plastic pumpkin Uncle Ryan bought you so that you can take it when we go trick-or-treating and get candy. It’s about this big.” Cassie demonstrated the size with her hands.
“Me know,” Sasha said, then dashed out of the room.
Ryan lowered the camera and stared after her. “Do you realize I’ve never seen that kid walk? She runs and skips, sort of, and races everywhere.”
“Excess energy. Too bad we can’t suck a little of it out of her each morning. Think of how much work we could both get done that day.”
“Interesting thought.” He returned his attention to her. Cassie had dressed in black jeans and a multicolored sweater. Her usual heart-shaped earrings dangled, catching the overhead light.
“You look nice,” he told her.
She glanced at him. A slight flush climbed her cheeks. “Thanks. I wanted to be warm. It’s going to be cool tonight. I knew that Sasha wouldn’t want to wear a coat over her costume so I put her in two long-sleeved T-shirts and long pants underneath her dress. She’s a tad bulky to fit in with the royal set, but otherwise, she’s the perfect princess.”
She didn’t quite meet his gaze as she spoke and the flush lingered. He made her nervous, he thought with some surprise, incredibly pleased by the fact. Maybe Cassie wasn’t as immune to him as he’d first thought. Then she raised her hand to tuck her hair behind her ear and he caught sight of the ring on her left hand. Joel’s ring.
She was already committed to someone else, he reminded himself. He had no right to mess with her life.
He set the camera on the counter. “You don’t have to come trick-or-treating with us tonight,” he told her. “You haven’t been out with Joel in several days. Don’t the two of you have plans?”
She shook her head. “Bradley Discount is having a big celebration, with candy for kids and several departments offering special sales. Joel is in charge of all that, so he couldn’t get away. Besides, I want to come out with you and Sasha. I doubt she remembers last year, so this will practically be her first time. She’s going to have fun.”
“If you’re sure.”
Her gaze met his. “I am.”
He was too, sure that he wanted her. He could feel the heat rising inside him, the need growing. One of these days he was going to have to start dating again, he told himself. He couldn’t keep having fantasies about inappropriate women—they were starting to interfere with his work.
Sasha raced back into the kitchen. She held out her plastic pumpkin and grinned. “Me find!” She handed the container to Cassie, then walked over to her uncle and raised her arms. “Up.”
Ryan bent over and gripped her, pulling her into the air and toward him in one, smooth motion. Her little arms went around his neck. He settled her at his waist, his forearm supporting her butt.
“Hey, kid, you ready to go out trick-or-treating?”
Sasha nodded. “Me pincess.”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t have called you a kid. Are you ready to go trick-or-treating, your highness?”
The toddler giggled.
The doorbell rang and she pointed. “Go see.”
“Oh, so I’m transportation now, am I?” Ryan asked, although he didn’t really mind. He liked that his niece was comfortable with him and that he enjoyed being around her.
Cassie beat both of them to the door. She pulled it open, allowing her sister, in crocodile costume, and a man dressed as a pirate to enter. Sasha took one look at them and buried her face in Ryan’s shoulder.
“It’s okay,” he said softly as Cassie greeted her sister and brother-in-law. “You know Chloe, don’t you? Cassie’s sister? You like her. And that man is her husband. I’m sure he would really like to meet a real princess. Especially one as pretty as you.”
Sasha raised her head slightly, gave a squeak and hid away again. Cassie smiled at him. “She’s gone shy, has she?”
Chloe glanced down at herself. “Do you blame her? I think the theory of the crocodile costume was a good one. While I don’t look hugely pregnant, I also don’t look much like a normal crocodile. Maybe one that has pigged out over the weekend and is a little bloated.”
“You look spectacular as always,” her husband said. He glanced at Ryan. “I’m Arizona Smith. You must be Ryan. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
They shook hands.
“Great costume,” Ryan said, motioning to the other man’s black wig, fitted blue jacket with a matching hat and the fake pistols strapped to his waist.
“I left my hook in the car. I thought it might scare Sasha. I see we did that anyway.” He touched the child’s arm. “Sorry, little one. Adults are strange creatures and you’re going to have to get used to that.”
She raised her head slightly. Arizona gave her a big smile, then an exaggerated wink. Ryan felt her relax in his arms.
“You’re a very beautiful princess,” Arizona told her.
Sasha nodded, as if to say she already knew that much and did he have anything new to tell her. Cassie and Chloe laughed.
If Ryan hadn’t known Cassie was adopted, he would have wondered how the same family could have produced two such dissimilar daughters. Chloe was tall and elegant, even pregnant and dressed as a crocodile. She had the kind of sparkle about her that caused men to drop what they were doing just to watch her walk by. Cassie was several inches shorter, curved where her sister was lean, with a quieter beauty that Ryan found all the more appealing for its subtleties.
“We really appreciate you doing this,” Cassie told her sister. “We won’t be out long. Sasha will get tired pretty quickly.”
Sasha began to wiggle. Ryan set her on the ground. She walked over to Cassie and put her hands on her tiny hips. “Me not tired.”
“I know, sweetie. You’re a big girl. You’re going to have a lot of fun.” Cassie straightened her crown, then returned her attention to her sister. “The candy is there,” she said, pointing to a bowl on the table by the front door. “As I said, we’ll be back in plenty of time for you to head out to your party.”
Ryan glanced at his watch. “If you want to leave before we’re back—”
Chloe cut him off with a sh
ake of her head. “The university party doesn’t start for over an hour and it goes practically all night. Take as long as you’d like.” She touched her stomach. “Arizona and I are thinking of this as practice for the coming years.”
“Absolutely.” Arizona stepped next to his wife and put his arm around her. Chloe shifted closer.
They stood together as if they’d been a couple for decades instead of less than a year. Their love for each other was as obvious and real as their costumes. Ryan felt a twinge of envy inside. Was this what his brother and Helen had experienced in their marriage? He’d never been around them enough to notice, and even if he’d visited, he doubted he would have bothered to pick up on the small signals all couples sent and received.
What a waste, he thought grimly. He could have been a part of a very special family…his family. Instead he’d wasted his time with too much work.
“Then I think we’re ready,” Cassie said. “Oops, Sasha’s pumpkin is in the kitchen. I’ll go get it.”
She walked down the hall. Sasha trailed after her.
“So what do you think of Bradley?” Arizona asked.
“It’s a great town,” Ryan told him and knew that wasn’t the question Arizona really wanted to ask. He decided to make it easier on the other man. After all, he was looking out for a family member. Ryan respected that.
“I regret that it took a tragedy to bring me here,” he said. “Without Cassie’s help, I wouldn’t have made it through these past couple of weeks. She’s terrific with Sasha and a wonderful person to have around. I have the greatest respect for her.”
“We think she’s special,” Arizona said, his gaze steady.
“As do I. It’s fortunate that she has family close by. If anything were to happen, she would have plenty of support.”
“I’m glad you recognize that,” Arizona said.
Cassie and Sasha returned to the foyer. “We’re ready.” She paused. “What are you two talking about?”
“Nothing special,” Ryan told her. “Let’s go.”
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