“So I did okay?”
His earnest, hopeful expression made her heart melt. “You did great.”
“Thanks. Your opinion means a lot to me.”
He flashed her a smile that, if she hadn’t already been sitting down, would have made her knees collapse.
While Ryan settled Sasha on his hip and walked over to pay for the shoes, Cassie slowly collected their jackets. She needed a minute to calm down. It was difficult to pretend he didn’t matter to her when her body was on constant alert. But as long as Ryan didn’t figure it out, she could live with the symptoms. At least that was what she told herself.
Feeling and strength returned to her legs and she rose to her feet. As she met Ryan by the door, a young woman with two children in a stroller smiled at them. “Your daughter is very pretty.”
Ryan hesitated, then thanked the woman.
When they were in the mall, he turned to her. “I didn’t know if I should explain the situation or not,” he said. “It seemed easier to accept the compliment. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all. It was bound to happen.”
“Thanks for understanding.”
“No problem.”
“So what are we going to do about lunch?” he asked.
Cassie listened while he and Sasha discussed the possibilities. She reminded herself that she had Ryan’s respect and his affection. That was enough. But when the woman had assumed they were a family, something inside of her had flared to life. In that moment she realized that walking away from Ryan was going to be much harder than letting go of Joel. She hoped that there weren’t any other parallels—that when she gave her heart to a man other than Ryan, she wouldn’t be settling for second best again.
* * *
THE SOUND OF laughter pierced Ryan’s concentration and he turned toward the window. At first it had been easy to block out the sounds of Cassie and Sasha in the house, but that was becoming more and more difficult. He supposed part of the reason was that he enjoyed spending time with them. Given the choice between them and work, there wasn’t a choice at all.
He leaned back in his chair and wondered if any of his employees would believe that if he told them. After all, he was known for his long hours, a nearly superhuman ability to focus on the problem at hand, and the need to put work above all else in his life.
That had changed, too, he thought as he saved his work in progress and left the office. The truth was if he was going to stay in Bradley for much longer, he was going to have to look into getting an office. Every week he stayed in the house, he was getting less and less done, while spending more time with Cassie and Sasha.
He stepped out the back door and stood unobserved on the rear porch. The November afternoon was bright, but cool. Sasha sat on the small swing her father had given her for her birthday. Her hair was still tousled from her nap, while the nip in the air added color to her plump cheeks. She was dressed in pink corduroy jeans that matched her favorite new pink shoes, and a jacket. Cassie stood behind her, gently pushing her on the swing.
“More,” Sasha called, ever the thrill-seeker.
“This is about all you can handle, sweetie,” Cassie told her.
Her life was so simple, Ryan thought, studying his niece. Playtime and nap time, plenty of love and affection. If she was fed and warm and cuddled, her world was right. Adults could learn from that, he thought. His gaze strayed to Cassie. Some already had.
Cassie was one of the most open women he’d ever met. In a world of people being politically correct, she said whatever she thought. She didn’t play games, she didn’t pretend to care about something, even if the world said she should. She was so pretty, he thought as he stared at her smooth skin and laughing brown eyes. Just watching her made him feel that everything could work out.
He was still in the shadows and hadn’t been spotted. Cassie slowed the swing and wrapped her arms around Sasha. “You are the most precious little girl,” she said. “I love you very much.”
Sasha hugged her back. The child whispered something and they giggled together.
Ryan felt as if he was eavesdropping on something very private, yet he couldn’t turn away. At least he didn’t have to worry about the person taking care of his niece. Every time he’d come into a room unexpectedly, all he’d found was warm affection and plenty of attention. Cassie treated Sasha with the same loving concern she would give her own child.
Now, as the two females talked, he wished there was some way to find out what Cassie was thinking. For the past two weeks, she’d acted as if everything was fine with her. As far as he could tell, she hadn’t heard from Joel. Did that bother her? Was she really all right, or was she hiding the truth from him? No matter how bright her smile, he couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt inside of him. He’d been the one to kiss her, and that had, directly or indirectly, caused her to break it off with Joel. Therefore it was his fault. Therefore he had to fix the problem.
The question was how?
Maybe he could—“Unk Ryan!” Sasha spotted him and came running toward the porch. “Come pay me.”
He chuckled. “I’m translating that as ‘come play with me’ rather than ‘you owe me money.’”
“Have you borrowed any money from her recently?” Cassie asked, her voice teasing.
“No, I think our debts are cleared.” He picked up Sasha and swung her around. “What do you say, little one? Do I owe you vast sums of money?”
“More!” Sasha cried out as she moved through the air. “More!”
He tossed her in the air and caught her. Sasha squealed with delight, while he marveled at her ability to trust. Finally he set her on the ground. “I need a break,” he said.
“Cassie,” Sasha said, pointing at her nanny.
Cassie shook her head. “Thank you, no. I don’t want to be thrown into the air and I doubt your uncle wants to be the one to catch me. I would hurt his back.”
Sasha frowned.
Cassie crouched in front of her. “I’m too big, sweetie. He can lift you, but he can’t lift me.”
“Then cull,” she said with a sly little grin and rushed toward Cassie.
“What is she talking about?” Ryan asked as Cassie backed away from his niece.
She laughed, then ducked around the swing pole and moved to her left. “You’re not going to get me,” she cried over her shoulder, walking just fast enough to keep Sasha an arm’s length away. “Tickling. She’s trying to get me so she can tickle me.”
Cassie made a tempting target. Worn jeans hugged her thighs and rounded hips. She wore a red sweatshirt that concealed her generous breasts, but he knew they were there. An intriguing thought occurred to him.
“Sasha, you want help?” he asked.
Sasha stopped and stared at him. Then she grinned and nodded. “Get Cassie.”
She ran as fast as her short legs would carry her. He circled around from the opposite side. Cassie laughed.
“This isn’t fair. Two against one.” She eyed Ryan as he got closer. “Wait. Maybe we should gang up on Sasha. Wouldn’t that be fun?”
“Sure, but not as much fun as this,” he said as he lunged for her.
She screamed and ducked, then had to leap back to keep from tripping over Sasha. Down she went onto the soft grass. Sasha jumped on top of her and began tickling. Ryan joined the fray.
He knelt on the ground and pulled his niece toward him. As he did so, he tickled her sides. Sasha giggled and laughed, trying to squirm away.
“Thank you,” Cassie said as she rose into a sitting position. Her hair was mussed, her eyes dancing with amusement. “I thought I was—”
He leaned Sasha against his thigh and kept tickling her with one hand, while with his free hand, he reached out for Cassie. She broke off in midsentence and tried to scramble away. But she was la
ughing too much and couldn’t get to her feet. She pushed at his hand.
“Ryan, stop. You can’t do this. It’s not part of my job description.”
Then, without warning, Sasha turned on him. Her tiny hands found that one sensitive place on his ribs. Instantly he released both her and Cassie. “No, you don’t,” he said, physically holding her out of harm’s way.
But it was too late. Cassie had seen his moment of vulnerability. She lunged toward him and attacked. Then the three of them were laughing and tickling and rolling in a heap.
He pushed hands away, tried to pin them both down, but while Cassie and Sasha weren’t that strong, they were definitely squirmy. He was also afraid of hurting them, so he couldn’t use his strength against them.
“Truce,” he called after a couple of minutes. “Enough.”
“’Nuff,” Sasha agreed and collapsed against him.
“Agreed.” Cassie took a deep breath and relaxed. Her head was on his shoulder, her body pressed against his.
In that moment, he wanted her more than he’d ever wanted any woman in his life. But that wasn’t what scared him. What made him break out into a cold sweat was the realization that this was exactly what he needed. Days like this. With sunshine and laughter, Sasha and Cassie. He needed them to be a family.
Fear came on the heels of desire. Fear and the sense that he was in over his head. As much as he might want to be like everyone else, he knew he didn’t have the skills. He could work hard, he could build a company from nothing with only a dream and determination. He could learn that which could be taught, but he didn’t know how to be a husband or a father. He’d never seen it done. He allowed himself to get close to Sasha because he had Cassie there to keep him from making any big mistakes. But who would protect her from him if they got involved?
Besides, Cassie wouldn’t want a man like him. She would want someone more like herself—open and loving. Someone who believed in family and happily-ever-after. He believed in keeping an emotional distance and working eighty-hour weeks. He had nothing to offer her.
There was only one solution. He had to fix her problem. Somehow, some way, he was going to get her and Joel back together.
* * *
“HERE’S JOHN when he left for college,” Ryan said, pointing to a photograph of a serious young man who looked like a shorter and broader version of his brother. “I guess I was about eight or nine. I didn’t want him to go. He promised that we’d still do things together, but I knew it was going to be different.”
“Was it?” Cassie asked.
He nodded. “He came home for holidays, the first couple of years, then he was too busy.”
The evening was chilly, but Ryan had lit a fire in the fireplace. The welcoming scent of wood smoke filled the living room. Cassie picked up her wine and took a sip. Despite the quiet of the dark house around them and the late hour, not to mention the flickering flames, she refused to acknowledge this was the least bit romantic. Ryan had asked for her help in sorting through old pictures. He’d wanted to put a few up for Sasha to see. That was all. She was a hardworking employee helping her boss. The fire, the wine, the night…well, they were just set decorations. As real and as meaningful as a movie backdrop.
At least that was what she kept telling herself, even as her body quivered and her mouth went dry.
They were sitting next to each other on the sofa. Several photo albums were stacked around them. Ryan reached for a pale fabric-covered one and set it on the coffee table. “This is their wedding album,” he said.
Helen had been a slight woman, with mahogany-colored hair and big, dark eyes. The first picture showed her and John standing together, their arms wrapped around each other. They were obviously in love. Cassie fought against the envy that swelled inside of her. She wanted that for herself—true love and someone to share it with.
“They look so happy,” Ryan said. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees while he studied the photo. “I still can’t believe I thought my brother was crazy to cut back his hours. As I look through these pictures, I know he did exactly the right thing. I just wish I’d been able to tell him at the time.”
“He knew,” Cassie said. She turned several pages. In every one the couple gazed at each other, their love a tangible part of their beings. “It shows everywhere.”
There was a picture of a very pregnant Helen at a summer barbecue. John stood behind her, his hands splayed across her belly.
“He loved her,” Ryan said. “She meant everything to him, and him to her. I see it all so clearly now. I admire him for being able to turn his back on how he was raised. It’s not easy to give up old habits and fears. My mother always told us that if we stopped working, we would lose it all. Yet, he did it anyway.”
“His love was stronger than his fear,” Cassie said. “But you’re right, it is tough to give up old beliefs.”
She held her glass of wine in both hands. She understood because she was wrestling with her own demons. She’d nearly forgotten about them in the past few years, but since her breakup with Joel, they’d started visiting her again.
They came in the night and whispered that if she wanted too much, if she tried to get what she really wanted, she would just lose it. Better to take a little less. Then she wouldn’t be at risk. She’d come to realize that those fears had been the basis of her relationship with Joel. Chloe had been right—she had settled. Wanting Joel wasn’t the same as wanting it all. Losing him wouldn’t break her heart. So he’d been safe to love. Now she was thinking about going after her heart’s desire, the price of which could destroy her.
What if she really fell in love? What if she gave all of herself, then lost it? She’d already been abandoned twice, first by her birth parents, then when her adopted parents had died. She didn’t want to risk that happening again.
“What are you thinking?” Ryan asked.
She glanced at him and saw that he was watching her. “That no matter how scary it is, we still have to go after our dreams.”
“What are you scared of?”
She shrugged. “Mostly of not belonging. That’s what Joel was for me. An easy way to fit in. Now I’m feeling strong enough to go out and find a way to fit in on my own. Bradley will always be my hometown, but I’m not sure that staying here is such a good idea. I’m not going to magically finds roots. I have to go out and grow them. That might mean trying a different way of life. I need to figure out what’s really important to me and then go after it.”
The words sounded brave. She hoped she had the strength of character to do it, despite the demons that whispered she would only fail.
“I admire you,” he said. “You’re the most honest person I know.”
She thought about her secret passion for Ryan. “Please don’t make me out to be incredibly virtuous. I’m not at all.” She wanted to say more, but he was sitting too close. She could feel his leg lightly pressing against hers. Maybe it was the wine or the fire, but she was suddenly warm.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he said.
She made the mistake of looking at him and found herself getting lost in his green eyes. A man shouldn’t be so beautiful, she thought to herself as all the air rushed out of her lungs. It wasn’t fair. How was she supposed to keep her head about her when he looked so incredibly perfect? And why didn’t he just take her in his arms and kiss her? Couldn’t he feel the tension between them? Didn’t he know that she wanted to be with him? The image of them together, touching and tasting, holding and doing all those things she knew about in theory, if not in practice, haunted her.
Their gazes locked. The temperature in the room cranked up yet another notch until she found it difficult to breathe. The night closed in around them, making her feel isolated, but deliciously safe with Ryan. Only Ryan.
He leaned forward. He was going to kiss her. She knew
it…believed it…anticipated it. He reached his hand toward her, long fingers that would stroke her skin and leave her….
“It’s late. You need to be in bed. Good night, Cassie.”
His words combined with his brisk tone to make her feel as if she’d been doused by ice water. She blinked twice, certain she hadn’t heard him correctly. He was sending her to bed? Alone?
“Um, sure,” she said. She set her wine on the coffee table and awkwardly rose to her feet. She felt like a child being sent away so the grown-ups could enjoy their evening.
“Good night,” she murmured as she made her way to the stairs.
Despite her wishes to the contrary, Ryan didn’t know she was alive. At least not as a woman. He knew she existed as Sasha’s nanny, and no matter how she tried to convince herself otherwise, that wasn’t enough for her. She wanted more. Unfortunately, she didn’t have a clue as to how to get more.
When she reached her bedroom, she closed the door behind her, then leaned against the cool wood. Letting go of Joel had been incredibly easy. Despite the fact that she’d known Ryan less than two months she had a bad feeling that letting go of him was going to take at least a lifetime.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
RYAN LOOKED OUT the front window for the third time in as many minutes. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this nervous. Telling himself he was doing the right thing for the right reason wasn’t helping. If only he’d had more time to talk to Joel. But their conversation had been rushed and he’d only had a chance to issue the invitation.
Actually, “issue” wasn’t a strong enough word. Joel had practically required a summons to agree to show up for dinner tonight. No doubt the young man was still suffering, Ryan reminded himself. It wasn’t every day that a man had to get over someone as terrific as Cassie. And if Ryan had his way, by the end of the evening, Cassie and Joel would once again be back together.
He dropped the curtain in place and checked his watch. Joel wasn’t due for about ten more minutes. This was going to be great, he told himself. Sure, Cassie acted as if everything was fine, but what choice did she have? She couldn’t really admit that she’d made a huge mistake. Still, Ryan didn’t doubt that she had. She and Joel had been together for years. They obviously belonged together. Even if Cassie insisted otherwise. If he hadn’t lost control of himself and kissed her, then none of this would have happened. She wouldn’t have gotten it into her head that Joel was the wrong man for her. It was his fault they’d broken up and he was going to see they got back together.
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