[Insert: Even if the earth was as round as a potato
(How ridiculous!)
And if you could reach the land of your dreams
On the other side of the ocean
(How silly!)
I would still be there waiting for you.
So give up, give up, give up, give up
Because NOBODY can cheat the CURSE of the VENOMOUS VORPENT.
And you only have fifteen hours left. ]
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7. THE QUEST FOR THE FROZEN POTATO
Hiccup marched out of Old Wrinkly's house back to the Celebrations in the Harbor, followed by a grumbling Toothless. For about six hundred meters he was absolutely certain about what he was going to do.
He would go and explain to his father what had happened, and ask him to set up a Quest for the Frozen Potato. The Hooligans were always going on quests.
But when he eventually found his father, who was trying his luck in the Frozen Lucky Dip, he suddenly didn't feel quite so sure of himself.
Stoick wasn't as pleased to see his only son as he normally was. He had just lost a big bet because the Bog-Burglar Young Heroes had WHIPPED the Hooligan Young Heroes in the Smashsticks-on-Ice Competition, fourteen goals to nil. So Stoick was not in the best of moods.
"Bother that Old Wrinkly and his stupid soothsaying. An EASY WIN for the Hooligans, he said. Put all your money on it, he said. And what
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happens? The Bog-Burglars win fourteen-NIL. I should have known it," Stoick muttered to himself as he drew a large frozen object from the lucky dip and tried to work out what it was. Fish? A useful axe? A small chair?
"Father," said Hiccup determinedly, "I want to set out on a quest."
Stoick looked at his son with surprise. "What sort of quest?"
"You remember my friend Fishlegs?" said Hiccup.
Stoick rubbed his nose crossly and grunted.
"Old Wrinkly says the reason he attacked you was because he has been stung by the Venomous Vorpent and he is in the first stage of Vorpentitis, and that causes episodes of madness, you know ... and the thing is, Father, unless we can find the antidote in time Old Wrinkly says Fishlegs may DIE ..."
Stoick looked as if he wasn't sure whether to be sad or happy ... but then he saw his son's face and hurriedly looked sad.
"Um ... yes ... oh dear ... ," said Stoick.
"So I want to set out on a quest for the antidote," announced Hiccup.
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"What is the antidote?" asked Stoick the Vast.
"Old Wrinkly says the antidote is the potato," said Hiccup.
"SSSSSShhhh!" said Stoick. "You're not supposed to name it! And the Vegetable-That-No-One-Dares-Name is an imaginary vegetable -- surely you know that, Hiccup?"
"Old Wrinkly says that the Hysterics went to America and brought back a frozen potato," continued Hiccup stubbornly. "So I want to FIND the potato and save Fishlegs's life."
"I FORBID YOU TO DO ANY SUCH THING,'" roared Stoick.
"If we don't believe in the potato Fishlegs may DIE!" Hiccup yelled right back at his father.
Stoick the Vast lost his temper and waved the Unidentified Frozen Object (U.F.O.) around his head.
He roared at his son so loudly poor Hiccup's ears rang.
"YOUR FRIEND FISHLEGS IS A LITTLE WEIRDO WHO JUST CALLED ME A JELLY-BELLIED LARDY-BOTTOMED GREEDIGUTSI"
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Hiccup flinched as if he had been struck, and then Stoick felt ashamed, and controlled himself. He reached out and patted his son on the shoulder, and he tried to speak more reasonably.
"Look, son, I know this is difficult for you, because you are fond of your friend, but let's just say that for once in a blue moon Old Wrinkly is right. Even then, as the Chief I WILL NOT risk the life of my only son for the sake of a little weirdo that Fate has got it in for."
"Isn't it the Chief's job to do that?" said Hiccup steadily. "Fishlegs has no one else to look after him."
"You WILL NOT do it," said Stoick, very meaningfully indeed. "Because I FORBID it, and that is an order, son. An order from your CHIEF." Stoick put the U.F.O. on his head (he had decided it was a HELMET) and stalked off.
The unfortunate thing about going on a quest to save the life of your sick best friend is that you have no best friend to go with you. Hiccup watched his father stalking off with what looked very like a frozen chair on his head, and wondered miserably what his chances were if he went on the quest for the Frozen Potato alone.
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Um... chief...why have you got a CHAIR on your head?
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Not im-POSSIBLE, he thought sadly, but, let's face it, im-PROBABLE.
Camicazi stuck her head out from underneath the Lucky Dip table.
"Did I hear someone mention the word quest? When do we get started?"
"Oh, Camicazi. You really shouldn't listen in on other people's conversations," said Hiccup.
Camicazi wriggled out from underneath the table and started doing handstands. She still had her ice skates on.
"We Bog-Burglars always listen in on other people's conversations," she said cheerfully. "It's one of the reasons I'm going to be so helpful to you on the quest for the Frozen Potato."
"YOU are not going on the quest for the Frozen Potato," said Hiccup. "It's far too dangerous."
"Dangerous? PAH!" boasted Camicazi. "Why, I've burgled whole flocks of SHEEP off the Visithugs.... I've picked the pockets of the Perilous
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Pirates.... I've stolen the helmet right off the head of Mad guts the Murderous, and you want me to steal one measly little vegetable?? No problem, Hiccup, watches and teaches, my boy, watch and learns."
Hiccup raised his eyes to the heavens. If Camicazi had a fault, it was that she was very, very pleased with herself. But it had to be admitted, she was an excellent burglar.
"There's this Madman with an Axe ...," Hiccup pointed out.
"Better and better," said Camicazi. "There's nothing I enjoy more than teasing Madmen with Axes. It's my favorite sport. If you don't let me join in I'll tell your big fat cross father where you're going."
"But that's blackmail!" protested Hiccup.
"You see," grinned Camicazi, "we Bog-Burglars have no morals at all. It's very useful to us."
Hiccup gave up, and said she could come if she wanted to.
Camicazi rushed off to get her burglary equipment, and Hiccup prepared a small sleigh to take them to Hysteria.
He also pulled down his boat, The Hopeful Puffin, to drag on runners behind the sleigh.
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"What are you doing?" asked Camicazi, returning with her arms laden with ropes and oddly shaped, pointy metal objects.
"It's getting so near to springtime, the ice may start cracking when we're out there. And if it does we're going to need some way of getting back across the Sullen Sea," replied Hiccup, trying not to think about what would happen if the ice REALLY DID melt. That might mean they had to face the Doomfang, on top of all their other problems.
Hiccup went off to look for One Eye, and explained his problem, and the big Driver laughed sneerily.
"Look, revolting little Human by, I don't know why you think I might want to help you.
I am not your mommy. I HATE humans. One thing I will absolutely SWEAR to you.
I will NEVER, repeat NEVER, waste a tear crying over the death of one of you Human NO-Brainers."
"Ah," said Hiccup cunningly, "but the antidote isn't just going to save the life
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[Image: Camicazi's Burglary Equipment.]
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of my friend Fishlegs, is it?
The Vorpent stings dragons as well as humans. Thousands of DRAGONS die of Vorpentitis every year. When I bring back the frozen potato, I shall plant potatoes all over Berk, and no dragon shall die of Vorpentitis ever again."
Well, that got One Eye, of course, because his hatred of humans was only matched by his love for his fellow dragons, and five minutes later Hiccup was hitching the big Saber-Toothed
Dragon up to his sleigh.
Hiccup told Stoick on the way that he was going to spend the night at Snotlout's house, and Stoick was delighted.
"Excellent, my boy," roared Stoick, "so you've decided to take my advice, and find yourself a better friend. Well done, Hiccup."
"So now," said Hiccup, sitting down in the sleigh next to Camicazi, "we can nip to Hysteria, steal the potato, and get it to Fishlegs without my father even knowing we've gone."
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Only Snotlout noticed the small Sleigh-Dragging-a-Boat sneaking out of Hooligan Harbor, on its way to Hysteria on the quest for the Frozen Potato.
Snotlout hoped that wherever Hiccup was going, it was somewhere dangerous, and that he would
NEVER COME BACK.
[Image: It's raining.]
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8. THE WRATH OF THOR
One Eye pulled the sleigh across the ice at a crazy speed. Once or twice Hiccup tugged on the reins to try and get him to slow down, but the big Driver ignored him, and so in the end, Hiccup gave up trying. "The quicker we get to Hysteria, the better, anyway," he reminded himself. The burningly cold wind slammed into his face, tearing at his eyelids as they careened across the ice.
[Image: A Island.]
The Hopeful Puffin bounced crazily behind them like an ugly duckling desperately trying to keep up with its demented mother. Luckily, although she was not an attractive-looking boat, she was sturdy and used to the odd knock or two. Hiccup had brought along snacks for everybody that were supposed to last the whole journey, but Toothless finished all of them in
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the first three minutes, littering the sleigh with crumbs, chicken bones, and nut shells.
"Toothless c-c-cold...," he wailed. "Toothless H-h-hungry ....Toothless BORED. Ow ow ow ow...Camicazi s-s-sitting on my ta-a-ail....Are we nearly there yet?"
"We only left five minutes ago!" exclaimed Hiccup.
"Toothless play I-Spy, " said Toothless firmly.
At first Camicazi was horribly cheerful, chatting constantly, and singing loudly, her bright blue eyes prickling with excitement.
But as the long hours wore on, and as they played their fifty-second game of I-Spy with Hiccup translating for Toothless, and as the sky turned pink and grey with the coming of the evening, and as they passed the Mazy Multitudes to their left and began to hear the first moans of the Doomfang under the ice, even Camicazi fell silent.
Hiccup made One Eye wait for the evening to grow darker before they turned the corner into the Wrath of Thor, so the Hysteric lookouts wouldn't spot them coming.
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For a tense, stomach-churning half hour they waited, until Hiccup judged it was safe, and gave a pull on One Eye's reins to get him going again.
The gigantic sea cliffs of Villainy and Hysteria loomed above them scarily in the darkness. One Eye bounded into the Wrath of Thor, and the cliffs leapt up on either side of the little sleigh as it raced along, like dizzyingly high prison walls.
[Image: Fishes.]
The eyes of dragons shine in the dark, and so One Eye's great eye acted as a searchlight, showing them the way. The ice in the narrow gorge was so clear that it was almost
transparent, and in the beam of One Eye's eye, you could see right through it, as if it were a two-meter-thick pane of frosted glass, down into the sea below. How interesting, thought Hiccup as he looked over the edge of the sleigh; I can even
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make out a shoal of mackerel down there ...
The mass of tiny fish went on forever, swimming slowly in their millions way down below them, until suddenly they fled, shooting away like tiny sparks in an explosion, as a great dark shape, infinitely large, suddenly appeared under the ice. It was the gargantuan shadow of a dragon the size of an underwater mountain, and it easily kept up with the speedy little sleigh, its long tail lazily powering it along, its wings nearly brushing the edges of the Wrath of Thor as it beat them slowly to swim underneath.
[Image: Fishes.]
"Issa D-d-doomfang!"
whispered Toothless into Hiccup's ear. "Let's go h-h-home..."
Hiccup gazed downward in fascinated horror as the great dragon turned its head to one side and Hiccup
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VIKING DRAGONS AND THEIR EGGS
The DOOMFANG
The Doomfang is a gigantic predator of the Open Ocean, very rarely seen by humans. It is armed not only with fearsome fangs and claws, but also a strange blue fire that "freezes' its victims to death.
STATISTICS
COLORS: Always as black as your darkest nightmare.
ARMED WITH: Terrible jaws and fangs. Also have unusual frozen fire breath, with blue flames that kill by FREEZING you... 30
RADAR: Yes...... 10
POISON: None......0
HUNTING ABILITY: Unbeatable skills......30
SPEED: Very, very fast......25
FEAR AND FIGHT FACTOR: Terrifying.....30
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found himself staring into an enormous, bloodshot, green dragon eye, as long as the sleigh itself.
It was as if all the green in the world, of peas, of grass, of spinach, of leaves, of beans and frogs, had been concentrated in that one eye and given it the intensity of a pure green acid. It was like looking straight into the sun at midday, through a great green microscope, and Hiccup was so dazzled he nearly fell off the sleigh, until he was brought back to his senses by a terrible THUD! and the ice below them jumped up like an earthquake. The sleigh jumped too, and One Eye soared briefly into the air with a complaining yowl.
THUD! went the ice again as the Doomfang butted his head against the thick transparent wall. With terrified relief, Hiccup realized the ice was so deep that it was holding strong, although it was now shot through with tiny little white cracks.
The sleigh raced toward the entrance to Hysteria Harbor like a mouse streaking toward a mouse hole. The dragon followed, the ice thudding underneath as they went, with terrible blows from its battering-ram head. When One Eye turned into the harbor, he was going so fast the momentum from the boat behind
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almost turned them around in a great screeching circle. The sleigh balanced wildly on one runner, before slamming back down and carrying on.
Hiccup looked over his shoulder. The Doomfang was too large to fit through the narrow harbor entrance. It pushed its great head through and Hiccup could see, though not hear, its huge mouth opening in a roar of rage, its paw with the terrible talons tearing at the water. It blew out a great gush of underwater blue flame that shot out underneath the speeding sleigh and streaked forward in a straight line right up to the shoreline, almost as if it were a bright blue road telling them where to go.
"He's not pleased," joked Camicazi as the sleigh raced along the bright blue road. "That is one Doomfang in a VERY BAD MOOD." "Let's hope the ice holds long enough for us to steal the potato and get out
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of here," shivered Hiccup. "That creature would kill us with one snap of its jaws!"
When One Eye finally came to a plunging halt at the ice's edge and Hiccup clambered out of the sleigh, his legs wobbling like jellyfish, the evening had become night. The bright blue road had turned palest turquoise and was gradually fading entirely.
The harbor, thank Thor, was entirely deserted. Pulled up onto the rocks, half-buried in snow, were hundreds of Hysterical boats. Even in their snow-covered state, you could tell these were ghost ships, that hadn't rocked on salt water for fifteen years. Rags of sails hung from drooping masts, oars and rudders jutting from the snow were rotting or snapped in half.
Hiccup sent Toothless off to have a look at the Hysterical Village,
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and the little dragon reluctantly flapped off into the darkness.
"Why does T-t-toothless always have to do this?" complained Toothless.
"Because you're tie one with wings, Toothless," Hiccup explained for the umpteenth time, unhitching One Eye. Camicazi unpacked her burglary equipment, humming
happily, shoving interesting-looking pointy instruments into her pockets, putting on her special shoes with spikes on the soles, winding length after length of stout rope around her middle.
Hiccup's usual companion on adventures was Fishlegs, who was always terrified and asking what on earth they were doing in YET ANOTHER life-threatening disaster? So it was quite a change to have Camicazi treating the whole thing as if it were an enjoyable outing.
They put on their skis and waited for Toothless to return from his trip to find out the whereabouts of the Hysterical Village. He gave them a shock when he flapped out from nowhere and landed on Hiccup's shoulder.
"Iss s-s-scary out there," panted Toothless, his eyes glowing luminously in the darkness.
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"Them Hysterics is having a b-b-banquet for Freya'sday Eve...looksa SCRUMMY."
Hiccup explained what Toothless had said to Camicazi, and she got up. "Excellent," she said. "Hopefully they'll be so distracted they won't notice us. Let's get going." The little party set off up the cliff path, One Eye pulling them, his one eye burning bright in the darkness.
[Image: A dragon.]
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9. BACK ON BERK
Back on Berk, Fishlegs was hot as fire, weak as a fly caught in a spider's web, and talking nonsense. Old Wrinkly quietly bathed his head with cool water, and tried to feed him some watery tea.
"Stop it... you withered old ... dried-up crab claw," fretted Fishlegs feebly, trying to twist away from the old man's hand, but hardly strong enough to move.
"They must get here before ten in the morning," muttered Old Wrinkly to himself. "He's dying fast."
How to Cheat a Dragon's Curse (The Heroic Misadventures of Hiccup the Viking) Page 5