It’s funny though, because not long ago I really wanted school to be over and done with. But now, after seeing all these particular kids raise their hands, I’m not so sure. It makes me kind of sad to think we’ve got less than two weeks left. I guess we’ll have to think of some fun things to do with everyone this summer. Something to encourage them to hang in there. Maybe Greg will have some ideas.
I got to talk to Josh and Caitlin for a little while after the concert. They were both heading back to their colleges since it’s the week before finals, and it sounds as if they’ve got a lot of studying to do. In light of that, I’m really impressed that they came at all. I couldn’t help but watch them as they spoke to each other. I was worried they might act kind of stiff and formal, considering what they went through last winter. But to my relief they acted like old friends. They even hugged each other (and me) when it was time to go. I’m so glad Josh isn’t mad about her breaking up with him anymore.
“Can you believe it’s been two years since we lost Clay?” he said to Caitlin.
“In some ways it seems like it happened just a few weeks ago,” she said. “But then it seems like another lifetime too. We’ve all changed so much since then.”
Josh nodded. “Yeah, we’ve all grown up a lot.”
She smiled. “Some of us are still growing.”
Josh laughed and pointed at himself. “And some of us still have a long way to go too.”
Josh seems changed. It may be my imagination, but I don’t think so. He seems more humble or quiet or thoughtful. I’m not sure how to describe it, but it’s good. Before, he used to come across as kind of this know-it-all, but now he seems to listen more. He seems softer somehow. But not in a wimpy way. It’s hard to explain. But I really like it. I guess he’s just maturing, which I know sounds silly coming from the “baby” sister. But there were some years when I absolutely could not stand my “Mr. Perfect” brother. He could act so superior sometimes. But now he’s different.
And I wonder if Caitlin’s breakup has something to do with it. Or maybe not. Caitlin seems pretty much the same, only older and more mature. I used to think she was a little shallow sometimes. Okay, shallow’s not the right word, because she’s always been sort of deep too. But I used to compare her to some of the preppy chicks that I was so mad at. I suppose I even categorized her with them. I know that was wrong. Still, I think she’s changed too. Maybe it has something to do with her roommate, Liz Banks. I know those two have been through a lot this year. But when I asked, Caitlin said things are going much better with Liz now.
“She’s still searching,” Caitlin said. “So keep praying for her.”
“I am. Man, you should see my prayer list these days.”
“Do you pray for every single one of them every day?” asked Josh. But the way he asked wasn’t like he was checking up on me (like he used to), but more like he was really interested.
“Actually, I ask God to show me who to pray for,” I said kind of sheepishly. “I’m not sure I could handle the whole list at once. Then I just pray for whichever names seem to jump out at me.” “Cool.” Josh smiled and put his arm around my shoulders. “You know what, Chloe?”
“What?”
“I am so proud of you.”
I smiled. For some reason that meant a lot to me. “Thanks.”
“Me too,” agreed Caitlin. “And your band is unbelievable.” She shook her head dramatically. “I mean it; you guys sound as good as anything I’ve heard on the radio.”
I was getting kind of embarrassed now (well, loving it too). But I thanked her and told her I’d pass her comments on to Laura and Allie. And then they both had to take off. It was hard to see them go—and then I realized they’d be back for summer break! They both have jobs here in town, and they’re planning to go to the Mexico orphanage mission at the end of summer—at the same time!!! Maybe I’ll see if I can tag along.
SO GOOD
You’re so good
so fantastically good
thanks for all You do
to bring us back to You
keep us in Your hand
fill us with Your love
and mercy
and joy
You’re so good!
amen
Friday, May 30
I’ve made a habit not to write too much about Tiffany Knight in my diary during the past few months. Not because she’s turned into some wonderful and lovely person, but I guess I thought it was better not to give her too much attention, since she was still taking her shots at me on a fairly regular basis. No more shoving me against the lockers, but she gets her little snipes in.
But here’s what’s weird.
She was nice to me today. “Nice,” is that the right word? Maybe according to Allie’s definition, which would be something like this: “obnoxiously polite and falsely sweet.” Yeah, I guess that’s kind of how she seemed, but I could be wrong.
Okay, I know that sounds judgmental. But this is a girl who made my life unbelievably miserable last fall. A girl who has taken every possible opportunity to slight me or dis me or even elbow me in the hallway (always acting like it’s an accident). This is a girl that I have to ask God to help me forgive almost every time I see her coming—or seventy times seven. (Since that’s how many times Jesus says we need to forgive someone who offends us—it’s intended to mean infinity.) And of course Tiffany and her wannabes have offended me so many times that it feels like infinity.
But anyway, today she comes up to me after choir and smiles and says, “Congratulations on your concert, Chloe.”
Well, I didn’t even say anything at first. Like I was waiting for the next shoe to fall or for her to whack me over the head or to pull the rug out or something else totally mean. But she just stood there, smiling. Now, I hate to say it, but this girl’s smile is a scary thing.
“Uh, thanks.” I’m sure I was frowning slightly with unbelief. I started to move toward the door, kind of embarrassed that a few other girls were watching us, including Laura who was waiting in the hallway for me with a surprised expression on her face.
“And,” Tiffany continued loudly as if to stop me from exiting. “I was hoping we might start to get along better from now on.”
Okay, I had to bite my tongue just then. I mean, literally. I could feel my teeth clenching down on the tip of my tongue and it hurt. But I was thinking, “we” could get along better? What’s with this “we” business? When have I ever initiated anything the least bit confrontational with her? She’s the one who’s acted like a complete moron this whole year. Still, I managed to keep my mouth shut for a few seconds. It must’ve been a God-thing.
“You do believe in forgiving, don’t you, Chloe?”
I nodded, studying her face, trying to see what she was really hoping to accomplish here. Was she serious? “Yeah,” I finally said, “forgiving is what Jesus is all about.”
“So?”
“Of course.” I nodded again, firmly this time, forcing my head to move up and down as if to convince myself too. “I do forgive you.”
She smiled again. “Good. I was hoping we could become friends.” She glanced toward the hallway. “With Laura too.”
I forced a smile to my lips. By now it felt as if everyone in choir was staring at us, not to mention Mr. Thompson, our choir director, who was still standing by the piano, pretending to sort papers. “Yeah, that’s cool,” I said. “My goal is to be friends with everyone, no matter who they are.” I didn’t really mean that last bit as a jab, but she could take it however she wanted.
So now I’m wondering, what in the world does this mean? Am I making too much of it? And why does it make me so nervous? I know I should just trust God with the whole stupid thing. But it’s a bit unnerving. Laura laughed and said, “Even if Tiffany is buddying up to us because the popular kids like Cortney and Torrey have been treating us nicely, well, what of it? Just let it go, Chloe. No big deal.”
And I suppose it is preferable to being bullied
by Tiffany and her steadily shrinking group of wannabes. Still, I guess I don’t completely trust her. And the truth is, I don’t really want to be friends with her either. Not that I want to be her enemy anymore, or her target either. But FRIENDS??? Give me a break!
On a happier note, it’s been interesting talking to Marissa and Jake this week. And this is my take on what happened with them on Monday night. I could be totally loopy, but I think Jake has sincerely made a commitment to God. Cesar agrees with me. But we’re still not too sure about Marissa. And yet we don’t want to judge her either. But something about her doesn’t quite ring true. Allie agrees with us on this too, but Laura says we’re wrong. Which is really ironic, if you think about it.
“You guys are starting to act like I did when Pastor Rawlins was always harping at us,” Laura said as we carried our trays over to the table where Marissa and the guys were already sitting. Oddly enough, Spencer was there with them today.
“That’s not true,” said Allie. “But something about Marissa just doesn’t feel quite right to me.”
“I’m sure she could be close to making a commitment,” I continued quickly as we neared the table. “But I don’t think—”
“No judging,” said Laura in a quiet but stern voice as we drew within earshot.
“Hey, Spencer,” I said with a smile. “Long time no see.”
He made a half smile or maybe it was a grimace; I’m not sure. “Yeah? Well, I figured I might not be welcome at the goody-goody table anymore. Seems like everyone’s going nuts on me here.” He shot a look toward Jake.
“Come on, Spence,” said Allie lightly. “You are among shoplifters, ex-drug users, witches, and hey, I’ll come clean with you—I still smoke a cigarette now and then.”
“You do?” I eyed Allie curiously. “You told me you’d stopped.”
“I did, mostly.” She grinned sheepishly. “But sometimes, I don’t know, something comes over me and I just—”
“And I still cuss when I get really mad,” admitted Cesar. “I mean, I’m trying to stop, but it’s a pretty hard habit to break.”
“And I still have these horribly mean thoughts about certain people,” I confessed, thinking of Tiffany. “I even had one today. And the Bible says that’s as bad as murder.”
“Who?” asked Spencer with raised brows. “Who do you have those thoughts about?”
“I can’t say.” I made a smirky face at him. “I’m only telling you this so that you’ll feel more comfortable with us—we’re not goody-goodies. We’re no different from you—”
“Except for Jesus,” added Laura.
“And He accepts us just as we are,” added Allie. “And He’s the one who helps us to change.”
Marissa sighed. “Well, I feel a little better. I thought maybe we all had to be perfect to get into the club.”
Laura laughed. “Yeah, I used to believe that too. But if everyone had to be perfect, who would actually qualify?” Then she told everyone about her plan to have some sort of Bible study or sharing time starting next fall. She asked if they would come.
Spencer groaned. “You gotta be kidding. We used to do that back in grade school. We went to this special release time where we had to listen to all these stupid stories and play these dumb games. It was so lame. You’re not going to do something like that, are you?”
“Well, if it was so bad, why’d you go?” asked Allie.
“Just to get out of class and have snacks.” Allie smacked her lips. “Mmm, what kind of snacks?”
We had to laugh.
“Hey, we could have snacks too,” offered Laura.
Spencer rolled his eyes. “Yeah? It’d take more than some stupid cookies to get me to come.”
I’m sure if we offered a little free grass, he’d be the first there and the last one to leave. But maybe God will help us think of something. It’s a ways off anyway. But it’s weird; with just a week left of school, things are starting to really happen. And I guess I feel a little sad to see it all end.
GOD HELP US
God, help them
show them Your way
reach out Your hand
hold them today
God, help them
open their eyes
heal theirhearts
hear their cries
God, use me
show me Your way
to reach out my hand
and help them today
God, help me
open my eyes
heal my heart
hear my cries,
amen
Twelve
Sunday, June 1
Allie and I were just coming out of youth group today when we were practically tackled by Willy. “Did you hear the news?” he asked as he grabbed us both by the arm. His blue eyes literally flamed with excitement and a wide smile was splayed across his craggy face. Now to fully appreciate this, you’d have to understand how Willy looks sort of ridiculous when he smiles real big since the tooth next to his front tooth is gold, and his bushy mustache is usually trimmed slightly crooked. And come to think of it, he doesn’t usually grin like that either. Usually he’s pretty cool and laid back—a real mellow seventies kind of dude.
“Huh?” Allie looked slightly stunned as she stared up at his strange expression.
“What’s up, Willy?” I asked. “You look like you just got a personal message from God or else won the lottery or something.”
He shook his head. “Nope. Not me personally. But maybe you guys did.”
“What?” I studied his odd expression and actually wondered if he could possibly be having some kind of weird flashback trip (from his wild drug days back before he found God).
“What are you talking about?” demanded Allie.
“Well, come in here.” He pulled us into Pastor Tony’s office then closed the door behind us. “Okay, sit down, both of you, and take a deep breath.”
Without questioning him, we obeyed.
“Now listen.” He slowly sat down in Pastor Tony’s big leather chair then leaned forward with his elbows on the desk. Knowing Pastor Tony, I figured this was probably okay. “You see,” he began slowly, as if planning his words. “I have this old friend from the music business. Well, he’s retired now, but he has a younger friend who’s still in the recording industry—and his name is Eric Green. He’s a Christian and is pretty high up in Omega—a Christian recording company. Anyway, I sent him your demo CD a while back and…” Willy started tapping his fingers together and grinning just like the Cheshire cat.
“Cool,” said Allie. “Did he like it?”
“Better than that.” He kept tapping his fingers together, only faster now, but his eyes were on fire.
“What?” I demanded with a seriously pounding heart. I’m sure my blood pressure was getting high as well. “What in the world are you trying to tell us, Willy?”
“Well…” He actually snickered now, as if he almost couldn’t contain himself any longer. “You have no idea how hard this has been for me. Trying not to spill the beans about this whole thing, but Eric called me last weekend and told me he really liked the demo and that he wanted to see and hear you girls in person. So I told him about the memorial concert, and—”
“A record producer actually came to our concert?” I was standing now, leaning forward and peering at Willy.
He nodded. “And man, was he ever impressed.”
“You’re kidding?!?” Allie stood up too. “A real, honest-to-goodness, legitimate record company?”
He nodded again.
“What does this mean?” I asked, and I could hear the tremor of excitement in my voice. This is just way too good to be true.
Now honestly, about now it looked as if Willy’s face was about to explode with all this previously contained delight. “Well, ladies, I think it means he’s going to offer Redemption a recording contract.”
Allie and I both screamed. (We were later relieved to see that the door was firmly closed since the morning service had
already started.) Well, we both jumped up and down and hugged each other and screamed again and hugged Willy and thanked him over and over.
Then finally after we settled down, I begged him to tell us the whole story again—this time with all the details. Then we took some time to call Allie’s mom, who hadn’t left for work yet, and my parents, who hadn’t gone to their church today. (They only go about once a month or so these days.) I think Allie’s mom didn’t quite believe her, but Allie said she sounded pretty happy just the same. On the other hand, my mom didn’t seem to think it was such a big deal, or else she wasn’t taking me seriously. I’ll just say it felt a little anticlimactic.
“Have they actually offered you girls a real contract?” she asked. The skepticism in her voice was unmistakable.
“No, but Willy thinks there’s a pretty good chance they will.”
“But are they a reliable company, Chloe? Or are they expecting you girls to invest your own money? I’ve heard about those companies that tell you you’re going to hit the big times, but then they make you pay your own way. They had an episode on a news show about it. It’s a real scam. And you’ve already nearly depleted your savings on your little band.”
The way she said “little band” was the final blow, but I determined not to let her lack of enthusiasm bring me down. “Oh, I’ll explain the details later this afternoon, Mom. Just tell Dad the good news and I’ll see you.” Parents!
Fortunately, Willy’s enthusiasm helped make up for my mom’s lack of it. And it wasn’t Pastor Tony’s fault that Allie and I could barely sit still in church. As soon as the service ended, we grabbed Willy and begged him to drive us over to where Laura’s church was just getting out. Actually, I think he wanted to do it. Then you should’ve heard the three of us girls in Laura’s church parking lot. I’m sure half the folks in town heard us squealing, including everyone from her church. But it was pretty cool, and when they found out, they all gave us a great big cheer right in the parking lot.
Finally, the crowd began dispersing and Willy hushed us girls down. “Now, let’s not lose our heads just yet, because it’s still not 100 percent for sure. These things never are, not until the ink from the signatures is dry.”
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