by Liza Palmer
“Okay. Okay.” She is picking at her lips, unable to hold my gaze. Then she lunges over the counter and pulls me in close for a hug. “Friends . . . we’ll be friends.” Peregrine lets me go and straightens her shirt.
I stand tall and back away from the counter. I focus once again on why I made the trip over here in the first place. I have my speech down pat. My head is high as I walk away from the silence behind me.
I push open the door.
Domenic is at the sink. I let the door close behind me and stand in front of him. The light blue shirt. Nice touch. He looks up, his hands deep in the soapy water. I stand there. I know his face, but it seems like it’s in Technicolor tonight. The black hair. The curve of his lips. The amber eyes. I take a breath.
“I remember everything about that night. I just never had the . . . I didn’t know if you . . .”
Domenic pulls his hands from the water. I can see the drops of suds and water hitting the floor and the sink. I look up from his hands and look into his eyes. Closer . . . closer. I feel the hot, soapy water as he cradles my face in his hands. The water runs down my neck and past my shoulder. He brushes my temple with his thumb as he wets his lips. I close my eyes. Not because I can’t watch; it just happens. He moves his hands around the back of my head and pulls me in to him. His lips are so soft. I feel the warmth of him speeding all over my body, to all my nerve endings. I pull my arms up to hold him and can feel myself being surrounded by him. Just us. I can’t remember a single thing after that. Maybe nothing happened.
But I seriously doubt it.
Acknowledgments
Every night before I go to bed, I hold my breath and give thanks for the day. I wish I could say that this tiny space where I’m allowed to thank the most important people in the world means more to me than that intimate moment where it’s just me and my held breath—but it’s not. These people whose names mean nothing to you, the reader, are the loves of my life.
My mom, Lynne Palmer-Whalen, is my heartbeat, my hero, and my definition of love and greatness. Without her, this book would be just a glimmer of something I thought maybe I could do someday.
Don Whalen continues to be the benchmark of what a man should be.
Alex Zucco has been my partner in crime from telling each other what our Christmas presents were to giggling our way to sleep at night. Joe continues to be the best brother I could ever want. Zoë and Bonnie are turning into two of the strongest, smartest, most beautiful and confident women.
Captain Jack Kuser, Kim Resendiz, Tito, Tisha, Nico, Eli, Rodrigo, Tasha, Diego, Nadine, Antoine, Toine, Denice, KC, David, and Michael continue to be the most amazing family.
I want to thank Brandon Dunn for dealing with a much bigger demon than I think even he knew what to do with.
Without the company of writers, I would be a narcissistic, blathering idiot—so thank you to Danette Rivera, Ibarionex Perello, Paz Kahana, Frederick Smith, David Green, and Tom Lombardi. Thank you to Henry, Norm, Corrin, Jen, Marilyn, Sharon, and Poet. Thank you to the Cake Club, who had the balls to tell me exactly how they felt about the first draft of the book—which we all know is shit.
Thanks to Christy Fletcher for being the agent everyone dreams of.
And finally, thanks to Amy Einhorn for sharing this time in my life. Without her involvement, the entire book would have been one long run-on sentence . . . joined by ellipses, dashes, and far too many fucks—so . . . fucking thank her.
Reading Group Guide
1.Discuss the dissonance between how Maggie sees herself physically as opposed to how she actually looks. Do you think that we all see ourselves through a distorted filter? Do you think this is solely an issue among women? Why do you think this filter exists and where do you think it comes from?
2.Why do you think Olivia asks Maggie to be her maid of honor? Do you think it is an act of hope, revenge, or something else?
3.Discuss Maggie’s relationship with her mother. Do you think because she is the baby of the family her development has been arrested—or do you think there are other factors at work? How do you think Maggie is similar to her mother? How are they different?
4.Despite Maggie’s attempts to quell her sexuality, the tension between Domenic and her is palpable—why does she not act on it? At what point did you think Domenic had feelings for her? Why does Maggie never pick up on it? Why isn’t Domenic more aggressive?
5.Do you think there is one character that represents the reader more than the others? Is there one character that you waited for to enter the scene, knowing that they would speak for you and shake some sense into Maggie when she needed it?
6.Think about your own adolescent fantasies. Do you think they are still embedded in your head today? Knowing now what you know about reality, do you still yearn to bump into the starting quarterback or head cheerleader and show them how well you turned out? How do you think Olivia twisted these fantasies and do you think her life now mirrors them? Why doesn’t Maggie fit in with Olivia’s new life?
7.What do you think Peregrine’s role is in Maggie’s life? Do you feel everyone has a Peregrine in his or her life? What do you think fuels Peregrine to be the center of attention in everyone’s social calendar?
8.What do you think the head table represents to Olivia? To Maggie?
9.Kate and Maggie are opposites. Why did they turn out so differently and do you think this is commonplace among sisters? Do you think Kate is a positive force on Maggie or does she keep Maggie in that “baby-of-the-family” role? What is it about the bridal shower that sends Kate over the edge?
10.Peregrine asks Maggie if she would choose Christina over herself—if given the opportunity—to be Fatty or Bobo. What would you do? Why do you think we as a society put so much importance on physical beauty? And accordingly, those who are overweight, especially women, are ostracized as untouchables. Does society banish the overweight—or, like Maggie, is it the overweight that banish themselves?
11.There is a tragic quality to Cole Trosclair—do you think that makes him a sympathetic character, or is he so dispicable that no amount of melancholy would sway your feelings for him? Do you think as a society we spend too much time trying to save the bullies and not enough time protecting the victims? Why do you think Maggie cares so much what he thinks?
12.With years of education and obvious talent on her side, why do you think Maggie still works at Joe’s after so many years? Do you think this concept of “it’s just easier” could be a thematic thread throughout the entire novel? Do you see this concept in your own life?
13.What do you think of the passage in the bridal shop regarding the “subculture” that surrounds the overweight? Do you think it is accurately represented—or has your experience been different? Why do you think women compare themselves in this way? How would you react in Olivia’s circumstance—would you extract yourself from that world as she did—or would you wear the weight loss as a badge of honor?
14.If you could write the next chapter what would you write? Would it be more important to focus on Maggie’s happiness or Olivia’s misery in your version?
About the Author
I’m a public-school kid from Pasadena, California, with just a high school diploma and elaborate fantasies of what the inside of a writing class looks like. Taking the poor man’s route to higher education, I “studied” at my local bookstore. I went to author readings and sat in on their Saturday morning workshops until I felt I had learned all I could in those hallowed halls. I then gave myself an extravagant graduation ceremony and presented myself with a PhD in “Book Learnin’.”
One night, newly hopped up on literary knowledge, I was driving in my car on a mission. It was like the final scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, the one with Sean Connery, where Harrison Ford has to pass a series of tests in order to finally get his hands on the Holy Grail. Right away in the first test, knives are coming out of the walls of the cave. “Only the penitent man shall pass . . . only the peni
tent man shall pass,” he mumbles. Well, that was my ass at about 11:30 at night buzzing through the city in search of my own Holy Grail—a box of Lucky Charms. So I buy the box of Lucky Charms, along with nonfat milk, and as I’m walking to the cash register I grab a Shape magazine. This internal civil war that women and girls fight every day—Lucky Charms versus nonfat milk and Shape magazine—is what bore Conversations with the Fat Girl. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a soggy bowl of Lucky Charms to get to . . . oh, and a Shape magazine.
If you haven’t had enough and want to read more, my blog is carmenandjane.blogspot.com.
5 SPOT SEND OFF
5 foods and why they actually have zero calories:
1. Any birthday cake—yours, theirs, the guy at the next table.
2. Halloween Candy—because, after all, they’re not called fun size for nothing.
3. Shared desserts—how do you figure the carb count on half a crème brulee.
4. Food from someone else’s plate—what? You mean, all I get is this freaking salad?
5. Food taken from children—yours, theirs, the guy at the next table’s.