by Anthology
He had mail.
One email. The one he’d been waiting for. His heart soared at the possibility, even though this message could easily say he’d abused his opportunities and they were no longer available to him. With his heart in his throat, Dylan clicked the message. Seconds later, after only reading the first sentence, he beamed at the screen. He hadn’t waited too long. His college professor and sometimes mentor had connections to put him in touch with a senior executive at Texas Instruments. They’d tried recruiting him for a while, even before he’d graduated from high school. He’d never settled down long enough to take any of it too seriously, but now, all of that was going to change. This was nothing more than a baby step, but his chest swelled with pride. His father would be pleased. Dylan was determined to do whatever it took to make a better life for his family and, by extension, for himself.
The front door opened. He swiveled in the desk chair, bringing his finger to his lips as he stared at Teri, speaking before she had a chance. “Shh, they’re all asleep.”
He could tell that little bit of information surprised her. She nodded and turned to carefully shut the door behind her. Chloe, their oldest, and Chad, their middle child, shared a bedroom. Cate, their youngest, was asleep in a crib inside the bedroom he and Teri shared. Though, most nights, Dylan passed out on the sofa, purposely avoiding their bedroom.
“You cleaned?” she asked quietly, walking to the small kitchen table, dropping her purse and coat on top of the well-worn wood. He could tell she was trying to figure out what was going on, but she couldn’t fully process the transformation right before her eyes. He regretted he’d let things get so far out of hand that she couldn’t believe he’d do something as simple as clean their apartment.
“Are you going out?” Teri asked cautiously as she looked him over. He’d also showered and actually shaved. Something he apparently didn’t do that often judging by the look in Teri’s eyes.
“Nah, I’m done with all that. We need to talk.”
“Look, Dylan, I don’t wanna hear about—”
He held up his hand, stopping her before her impending rant built steam. Whatever she had to say needed to wait, because it was guaranteed to change once she heard him out. The miserable lecture from his father this morning, then the time to think during the AA meeting had helped open his eyes to what his life had become and what he was doing to the people he loved more than himself. He’d firmed his convictions in that moment of blinding clarity and settled them around him like a shield on a battle-ready warrior. Until Teri heard him out, she wouldn’t understand that this discussion wouldn’t be like any they’d had before…no more false promises of changing. Not this time. This time she deserved—they all deserved—the whole truth. But having his wife standing in front of him right now, staring at him with questions in her eyes, allowed uncertainty to filter in again; the same uncertainty that had him reaching for a drink night after night. Despite his earlier resolve, Dylan’s fear crept back in as he started to reveal his long-harbored secret to his wife and best friend.
Taking a deep breath, he forced his spine up. He just had to say it. Getting to his feet, he walked toward her.
“Teri, sit down.” He pulled out one of the kitchen chairs—the one that wasn’t broken—turned it toward the living room, and offered it to her. “Please, just sit down. Hear me out first, then I’ll listen to whatever you want to say.”
Her eyes narrowed. She always seemed to have a reasonable argument ready at any given moment, but she kept quiet as she looked him up and down again. After a full minute, Teri finally took the seat.
Dylan sat on the coffee table directly in front of her, dropped his elbows on his knees, and clasped his hands together. The speech he’d rehearsed all day conveniently fled his mind as she stared blankly at him. Her one slightly arched eyebrow said more to him than anything that could come out of her mouth. His wife was something else, a force all her own to be reckoned with. She always had been. Teri watched him so intently, intimidating the hell out of him. Dylan stood. For some unexplainable reason, he felt more comfortable on his feet. He stuck his hands in his pockets and started to pace back and forth in front of her. His words wouldn’t come.
“Just say it, Dylan.”
No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t look her in the eyes. He wasn’t sure now if he could even get the words out.
The truth will set you free. Wasn’t that the saying? Who the hell came up with that load of shit? No doubt someone who hadn’t been lying to everyone his entire life. Nervous didn’t cover half his emotions. He felt physically ill at the thought of what he was about to reveal.
“I haven’t been honest.”
“No shit…” Teri started, jumping right in on him.
He took a deep breath and sat down in front of her again. He didn’t want them reverting to what had become their normal.
“Hang on. Let me say this.”
He scrubbed his hands down his face and steeled his spine.
“I haven’t been truthful about a few things, but I have an idea, and you need to hear me out. I’ve already called and taken on more hours at the store. I talked to my dad this morning when I picked up the kids. He thinks my uncle needs some part-time help this summer around the farm. So I’ll be bringing in more money.” Dylan nodded as if to confirm everything he’d just said. Apparently, he’d decided getting all the positives out first might help soften the ending blow. He took a deep breath and forged on. “I also talked to my coding professor, and he’s going to put me back in front of Texas Instruments recruiting. He says I’m a really good fit; they’ll want me. So if I buckle down, I can finish my undergrad in about two semesters—at least I think I can—but if I can get on at TI, I can make the money needed to support you and the kids and then maybe you could look at law school more seriously again.”
He’d planned to dangle the law school carrot in front of her to cushion the blow to follow. More than anything, he needed her on board with all of this. His heart pounded so hard he wasn’t sure his words even made since, which caused him to pause and watch her face. She was clearly confused, but processing what he’d just said.
“Okay,” Teri said. She gathered herself together, much like she’d done in the alley this morning. Her facial expressions morphed a few more times before she started to speak again. “This is a major about-face. When you say ‘support me and the kids,’ where does that leave you?”
She was smart. It was what had attracted him to her the most. Out of everything he’d said, she’d noticed those few simple words. Manning up, Dylan took a deep breath. He’d stalled long enough. He started to rise when the nervous energy coursing through him needed an outlet, but then he forced himself back down, sitting on the edge of the old coffee table. Fucking hell, this was hard. He looked down at his trembling hands. No matter what steps he’d already taken today, nothing would change or soften the enormous impact of his next confession.
“I’m not sure you’ll agree to any of this or even want to be around me anymore. I’ll understand if you leave. I don’t deserve you or the kids. I’ve been lying to everyone in my life.” He tried to keep going, to finish the statement, but couldn’t. Shame and dread filled his heart for the lies he’d allowed his family to believe.
“What have you been lying about, Dylan?” Teri asked quietly.
It took several minutes for him to gather enough nerve to whisper the words he’d been so afraid to say aloud to anyone before today. “I’m pretty sure… No wait. I know for sure that I’m…” He wanted to cry. He’d begged God to help him sort all of this out, take this away from him. When he’d been younger, he’d done everything he could to fit into the box everyone else thought he should. Growing up in the Bible Belt hadn’t been easy. He’d learned to keep his true self hidden. He couldn’t hide any longer. He was only hurting his family and destroying himself; there was no good side to these lies for anyone involved. Dropping his head in his hands, Dylan let the truth spill free, defeat heav
y in his words. “I’m gay, Teri.”
Silence sat between them. The tension grew unbearably thick in the small room and caused him to finally look up at her. She hadn’t raged at him or laughed hysterically. No ridicule came. Teri said nothing, just stared at him, but after a couple of long, intense moments, he watched as she gathered her things and retreated down the dark hall to their bedroom. His eyes tracked her until the bedroom door shut—the click confirmed she locked herself inside with Cate.
Interestingly enough, the world hadn’t swallowed him whole. In fact, when he’d said the words aloud it had only helped strengthen his resolve. Now that he’d revealed the truth to the one person who needed to know, he could figure out the rest.
Another positive, Teri also hadn’t gathered up his children and left him there alone. She might yet, probably would, but this was far better than he’d expected.
3
Hours later, maybe close to four in the morning, Dylan stared up at the rotating blades on the ceiling fan, one arm tucked behind his head, Chloe’s Barney & Friends blanket covering at least part of his body. He’d slept on this sofa more times than he could count. Except this time, sleep hadn’t come. With each passing hour of Teri locked in that bedroom, wondering what brewed in her mind in all her silence, the dread and worry magnified until it weighed like a ton of bricks on his shoulders.
His initial relief of revealing his truth and his world not imploding had long since faded as he’d waited and hoped Teri would come back out and finish their conversation. She hadn’t. Six hours into his confession, and all he could do was lie there, imagining all sorts of scenarios. He’d trusted Teri with one of the most intimate details of his life. Would she throw a fit and tell everyone in their lives what he’d just confessed? He hoped not. He should have gotten her pledge of confidence before he’d said one single word. This not knowing, not confronting the ramifications head on, was more stressful than the confession itself.
A few minutes later, he heard Cate stirring. She was just starting to sleep through the night. She’d made almost seven hours this time. He pushed the blanket to the side and stood. After making his way to the kitchen, he pulled one of the pre-made bottles he’d prepared earlier from the refrigerator and began to warm it. Testing the warmth of the formula on his wrist, Dylan looked up as Teri came around the corner, holding a fussing baby in her arms. His wife looked in about the same condition he was in. By the fatigue he saw etched in her pretty face, he could tell she hadn’t slept. He hated that he’d caused all this undue stress, especially on Teri.
He maneuvered Cate out of her arms and made his way across the room before taking a seat on the sofa. “You go to sleep. I’ll feed her.”
Of course, Teri didn’t listen. She never did. She came and sat on the other side of the sofa, facing him, tucking her leg underneath her. A rare expression of vulnerability crossed her pretty face; those same features that made his children so beautiful to him.
“I can’t sleep,” she said wearily.
“Me neither. I’m sorry for everything I dumped on you tonight,” Dylan apologized from his heart.
“Dylan, it’s just so hard to understand. Are you bisexual?” Teri’s gaze shifted, shying away from him as she asked the question. He suspected she was confused, searching for the right words as she continued talking, not allowing him to answer her direct question. “I guess it all makes sense now. All the drinking…and avoidance of me… of everything. I didn’t catch it because that wasn’t the boy I met when we were freshmen—you acted like you loved the ladies. All this time I thought you just didn’t want me anymore.” Teri turned back to him, years of pain reflected in her eyes. He hated he’d put it there. “You said gay. You only like men?”
He didn’t want to talk about his sexual orientation. Fantasizing about dick put him on unsteady ground. It was hard enough to acknowledge it himself. When she continued to stare at him, waiting for an explanation, he dropped his gaze to the floor and let out a deep sigh.
“It’s hard to explain. I hadn’t gotten this far in my plan today because I really expected you to kick me out after hearing the truth. I’m really not comfortable talking about this. You’re the only person I’ve been honest with, but I think about only men. You know…that’s what I fantasize about…if that helps.”
He looked up at Teri to see she got it, verified by her nod. Several minutes passed, letting that little tidbit of condemning information sit between them before she spoke again. “I wish you’d been honest with me from the beginning. We’ve always been better friends than anything else. You were my best friend. I miss being your friend.”
“Me too,” Dylan confessed, looking her directly in the eyes. Before things had gotten so serious between them, they’d been so close. That closeness had made him think he could do this with her in the first place. Boy, had he gotten that wrong. “It’s why I thought I could make this work with you. I trust you. You’re the best person I know.”
“Thank you for saying that. I don’t feel like that right now. I’ve been awake all night thinking. I’m interested in going to law school,” she said, her voice quiet as she leaned forward to reach out and cup Cate’s dark curls. “You know I always wanted to do that, but I can’t see how to manage the kids and work while going to school. It’s too hard.”
“You don’t have to do it by yourself. I’ll always be here for you and our children. I want to be here, Teri.” Those words caused emotion to stir deep within him. They were the honest truth, and he meant them from the bottom of his heart. Teri dropped her hands in her lap, clasping them together, looking smaller than he’d ever seen her before.
“You know…” she started, but stopped speaking and let out a heavy sigh. “I feel bad for them. They didn’t ask to be brought into this world. And you aren’t the only one who made mistakes.” She turned her gaze away from him until she reached a hand up, picking at something on the back of the sofa.
This other part of Teri—her open, honest nature—had always attracted Dylan to her. She was the first to admit fault and apologize if she’d played any part in the situation. It was a rare trait, one he hoped his children inherited from her.
“What do you plan on doing after hearing what I had to say?” he finally asked.
“I’ve been thinking about that too. I liked what you said about Texas Instruments and law school. I think if we got our shit together and worked as a team, we could give the kids a firm foundation and good start without too many scars,” she explained, casting an assessing gaze his direction when she finished speaking. Now, she watched him closely, waiting for a response.
“I absolutely agree,” he said. Wherever this conversation was leading, Teri’s willingness to talk had already lifted the somber mood that had weighed on him all night since his confession. He maneuvered Cate in his arms, relaxing back into the corner of the sofa.
“I’ve thought this over…” Teri took a deep breath before she continued. “If we stay married, we could accomplish so much more. We could work together as a team to achieve our goals so we can give the kids a better life. It’ll take some time to get on our feet, but we’re stronger together. So, I vote to get ourselves established and get our kids raised before we go out on our own and find ourselves.”
He thought about every word she said, running all the sentences together in his mind as Teri gave a genuine smile. His heart suddenly but completely eased at her idea.
“That’s exactly what I want. I’m not comfortable with anyone else knowing what I told you. I just thought you deserved to know what was going on with me. I’m not ready to fully talk about me yet, but someday I will be.”
“I trust you’ll open up to me when the time comes,” Teri replied. He looked down to see the formula in the bottle almost gone. Dylan carefully pulled the bottle from Cate’s mouth and gently lifted her to his shoulder to pat a burp out of her. Teri scooted closer this time and raised her hand again to caress the baby’s head.
“I will. But until the
n, our family will be the only thing that matters. No more alcohol, no partying, and definitely no more lies between us—not ever again,” Dylan outlined.
“No more lies. Agreed. My thought was if we stayed married, didn’t tell anyone what we were doing, we would still be kind of young when they graduated high school. So maybe that’s our goal. We’ll get them graduated and then do a healthy, no-fighting, planned divorce. Are you good with that whole idea?”
“Absolutely. I really don’t want to be anywhere else. I love you guys. I don’t think I’m ready to explore that side of me.”
“We love you, Dylan, and that makes me sad for you, but since this is new territory for both of us, I guess we’ll have to figure this out as we go, right?” she asked, smiling when Cate gave a loud, healthy burp, then nestled her little head on Dylan’s shoulder.
“Yes. Everything we do from this point forward is for the betterment of our family.”
Teri reached out, clasping Dylan’s hand in hers. He eagerly entwined their fingers. Her simple gesture felt very much like the life preserver she had always been to him. Thank God she had taken this so well and been right in line with his ideas. It took a lot to ruffle her feathers—not that she didn’t like to fight, because she did—but she always had this calmness about her that comforted him. He could honestly say he couldn’t have chosen a better mother for his kids. This whole situation could have turned out badly; he was relieved it hadn’t, and he owed that to Teri.
“Agreed. And no more fighting. We’re better as friends than enemies.”
“Right.” A deep sigh escaped him as he held Cate against his shoulder. He bent to nuzzle her hair, loving her new baby smell. Cate was the one everyone said looked the most like him. He had no idea what her future held, but he did know now, more so than ever before, that he could give her the stability of a loving home. He swore to himself he would.