by S J Crabb
Not knowing what to say I smile weakly. “You don’t want us spoiling your romantic weekend, thank you for the invite though; it was really kind of you.” “Nonsense,” says Melissa with determination, “We won’t take no for an answer. We will pick you up at 7.30pm on the Friday evening. I would welcome the company, sorry I meant to say, we would welcome the company.” She laughs and they move to the front door.
Ben looks at me intently. “Take care Bella, try to have a rest tomorrow, you need it. See you next week.” He steps forward and kisses me on the cheek and then they leave. As soon as the door closes I lock it behind them and tears run down my face at the feeling of emptiness that I now feel.
Chapter 7
The next morning Nathan is full of remorse.
“Bella baby, I am so sorry. I ruined our evening. Will you ever forgive me?”
I look at him and despite still feeling very cross with him, I can’t stay mad at him as he has this little boy lost look about him that makes me just want to reassure him.
“I can’t stay mad at you.” I say hugging him. “Although next time don’t start drinking in the afternoon. I wanted you in full working order last night and you let me down.” I tease him, running my fingers down his bare chest. He grabs hold of them and pulls me on to his knee. “Well my darling, I had better make it up to you then hadn’t I?” As he kisses me I push him away. “Enough of all that we are due at my mother’s for lunch. You missed your chance and you don’t get another one.”
He pretends to sulk and then laughs and jumps up to get dressed. It amazes me how quickly he recovers after a drunken night out. It never seems to affect him in the morning, which is sickening really as I wanted him to suffer for the rest of the day after the events of last night.
As we drive to my mothers I tell him of our invitation to the New Forest.
He looks excited and totally up for it. “Great, it sounds like fun. I like Ben and Melissa, they are good company.” I sit quietly and wish that I could share his enthusiasm. It unnerves me that I have such extreme reactions to Ben and the thought of spending a weekend with him in close proximity is quite disturbing.
We have a nice lunch at my mum and dad’s. I tell mum
about Phoebe’s offer and she raises her eyes up in disbelief. “Surely you are not going to entrust your wedding preparations to scatty Phoebe. Are you mad?”
I laugh and Nathan looks surprised. “When was this decided?” he says grinning.
“Yesterday,” I say fixing him with a hard stare, “I would have told you but you were otherwise occupied.” He grins at me sheepishly. “Well I think it’s a great idea. Phoebe may surprise you all.” Mum doesn’t look so sure though. “Anyway Bella, I have got you heaps of bridal magazines to take away with you and there is a wedding fair at the Grange next Sunday that I think we should attend.” Nathan raises his eyes and I try not to laugh. “Ok Mum, if it makes you happy we’ll go,” I say thinking that I really should start doing something towards the wedding.
After lots more discussion about everything to do with weddings we say our goodbyes and Nathan drives me to my flat. “I’m sorry about last night Bella,” he says as we pull into the parking bay. “I wanted it to be so special and now we are back to work and I won’t see you again until Friday evening. I feel that we wasted the time that we do have.” He looks so upset that I instantly forgive him.
“Don’t worry; you can make it up to me on Friday. Let’s just grab a takeaway and spend the night in. We can look forward to it all week.”
Nathan nods and kisses me and it is quite some time before we come up for air. As I watch him drive off I can’t wait for Friday to come around.
When I get inside Phoebe is waiting for me. “Bella, at last. I have so much to tell you since yesterday.” Laughing I follow her to the settee and she points to various magazines littering the floor.
“Well I spoke to Boris and he is going to have a word with his Uncle about Harden Hall. I have also looked at websites for flowers and invitations and am in the process of compiling a checklist. First things first though I need to know if you want a Church wedding or one at the Venue.”
I laugh at my friend who has already totally gone to town at this. “Hang on a minute Phoebs; let me get in at least. Anyway tell me first about your evening. Did Boris lose any weight?” Phoebe grins at me and says, “Well if he didn’t it will be a miracle. He called me when he got home and said he aches in places he never knew existed.” We both laugh and then she says, “What about your evening, how did it go?” I pull a face and say, “best not to talk about it. Just say it wasn’t the best one and Nathan had better turn tee total before the next one.” Phoebe laughs loudly which doesn’t surprise me; Nathan can do no wrong in her eyes. I decide to have a relaxing bath and an early night as I am exhausted mentally and physically after the busy weekend.
Chapter 8
The next week is fairly quiet. I don’t see Ben at all and as Nathan is still working away I just throw myself into my job.
My evenings are spent at home listening to Phoebe’s constant ideas about the wedding. I am looking forward to a quiet weekend with Nathan and don’t even dread the thought of the wedding fair with my mother.
I am glad to see Nathan and we spend a lovely evening at his flat on Friday. I have to work on Saturday which is fine as he has football. I wonder if Melissa will be there. I don’t know why but I don’t like the thought of her watching and spending time with them both.
Soon Sunday comes around and Nathan and I find ourselves walking into the wedding fair at The Grange. My mother is already here and seeing us coming she gestures madly to us to join her at one of the tables. “Bella, Nathan, there you are. Come over and meet Barry.”
Nathan looks at me and raises his eyes up. I laugh at him as he has tried every trick in the book to get out of today. It’s not really his scene but as we haven’t seen much of each other recently I suggested that he come with me and then we could get a drink and a bite to eat on the way home.
My mum is looking at a table filled with gorgeous flower arrangements and introduces Barry to us. “Bella, Barry has the most fantastic ideas for flowers here and is very reasonable with his pricing.” Barry is standing there clasping his hands together looking very animated and I daren’t look at Nathan in case he sets me off laughing. Bouquets by Barry, is emblazoned on the literature that he is giving out and as I look at his photographs I can see that he obviously hasn’t updated his look for several years. To say that he is traditional is an understatement. It appears that he loves a carnation, which is incidentally my least favourite flower. Mum looks happy though, it probably reminds her of her wedding.
I feign polite interest for about ten minutes and then make our excuses and carry on around the room. There is everything here and more besides that you could want for a wedding and we are soon inundated with brochures and information.
Despite my mum’s enthusiasm I feel bored with it all. Nothing has struck me as different and I don’t want a run of the mill wedding. Nathan is totally bored and I can see him playing a game on his phone whilst pretending to be interested. I regret coming now and wish we had just stayed in like he had wanted to.
After an excruciatingly boring hour we all head off outside. My mum is full of ideas and enthusiasm and as I drop her off I have to promise to pop around later in the week to discuss the ideas.
We wave her goodbye and Nathan lets out a big sigh of relief. “Thank God that’s over. Do people really enjoy doing those sorts of things?” I laugh at him in agreement. Suddenly the thought of Phoebe taking charge is an attractive thought. I am quite surprised at this as I would have thought that I would be super excited to arrange and plan my wedding. I mean surely it’s every girls dream. I should be knee deep in magazines and planning guides by now. I realise with surprise that I haven’t even thought of looking at dresses. I look at Nathan and say, “Honey do you think that we should set a date? I mean that may focus our minds a bit more and then we
will have something to aim for.”
Nathan smiles his sexy smile at me and runs his fingers up and down my knee.” “Just you tell me when and I will be there. Just tell me what to do and I will do it. I want it to be perfect for you so whatever you want just do it.” I feel a bit let down at his answer. Why do I feel that he is putting it all onto me? Surely he wants some input into it. To just turn up on the day doesn’t seem that fair to me.
We stop at a local pub for Sunday lunch and then spend the rest of the day at Nathan’s flat.
This is more like it I think as we lay in bed having spent a passionate hour and are now watching TV cuddling up together. Thoughts of Nathan’s lack of involvement in the wedding planning leave my mind, after all, it’s much more a girl thing, and I don’t know why I thought he would be interested really.
The next day we are back to work and once again Nathan is at head office. As I get to my office I notice an email from Ben in my inbox. He asks me to meet him in his office as soon as I get in so I dump my things and rush up there.
Knocking on the door I hear him call me to come in. I haven’t seen him since the party and once again feel embarrassed at how it ended. He looks up as I enter and smiles at me.
“Good to see you Bella, are you well?” Smiling back at him I nod my head and he gestures for me to take a seat opposite him. “Good. I am sorry to grab you as soon as you get here but I was wondering if you could clear
your diary this morning. I wanted us to go up to London on a fact finding tour of some of the trendier stores.”
I look at him with surprise. Surely he has other people higher up and more experienced than me to accompany him?
Noticing my expression he smiles. “I wanted your input as a fresh set of eyes. No pre-conceived ideas and I happen to enjoy your company.”
I blush and wonder why he has this effect on me. “Ok Ben, I would love to. Just give me half an hour to move some things around and I will meet you by the back entrance.” He nods and then turns his attention back to his desk.
Half an hour later we are heading to the station to get the train to London.
Despite my reservations we actually have a great day. There is no awkwardness between us and he is the old Ben that I used to enjoy spending time with in the warehouse at Cunningham’s.
We look at some great stores and get loads of ideas which we are excited about. London is so exciting as the Christmas lights are out and the shop windows look amazing. It is extremely busy with people Christmas shopping and it reminds me that I haven’t even started yet.
Soon we are exhausted and it is getting late. Not counting the coffee we grabbed earlier on in the day we haven’t stopped and are starving. Ben smiles wearily. “Do you fancy grabbing a bite to eat? I don’t know about you but I am fading fast and don’t have anything at home to eat.” This sounds like a great idea and I smile back at him. “That would be great Ben, I don’t have much in either and am starving.”
We decide to eat in a nearby Italian restaurant and I am grateful for the warm, welcoming interior as we push our way in from the cold.
As we look at the menu Ben grins over at me. “Do you trust me Bella?” This question surprises me and I look at him questioningly. He laughs and points to the menu. “Let me order for you? I spent some time in Italy and think that I know what you would enjoy.”
As he says it he looks at me once again with his compelling stare that seems to pull me in. Somehow his words take on a deeper meaning and I feel myself blushing. “Ok, surprise me,” I say returning his stare. The waitress hovers nearby and without even taking his eyes from me he orders us the same meal in a slow husky voice. He orders us some wine and then gives her the menus, again not looking away from me for a second. Once again I feel drawn in by him, and I can’t look away. He runs his finger slowly across his chin, looking thoughtful and fixes me with a direct look. “So, how are the wedding plans going?”
I blink as I am pulled out of my trance as though his words have been a big bucket of icy water drenching me. He looks at me with an intense look and I think of Nathan.
Once again I feel guilty at the effect that the man opposite has on me and I babble on about the wedding.
“We haven’t really had much time to do much about it, what with work and all.”
He looks at me and raises his eyes. “Not the time, or is it not the inclination?” I flush, once again feeling annoyed that he is interfering with my relationship. The wine arrives and I am grateful for the distraction. As I take a sip the warm fiery liquid shoots through me giving me some welcome Dutch courage. He is watching me and says, “Well?” I am confused again. “Well what?” I reply looking at him steadily. He laughs again and nods towards the wine bottle. “The wine. Is it to your liking?” I am relieved at the conversation turning back on to safer ground. “Yes, it’s very nice.” I reply smiling at him.
He almost looks disappointed. “Hmm, nice is a very non committal word. How does it make you feel?” He is studying me, searching my face for more of a reaction. I wonder what he wants from me, for goodness sake, what difference is it to him if the wine is nice or not? I decide to play along with him. I am getting tired of playing the victim in his obvious game so I stare at him as intently as he does me. Picking the glass up I run my finger down the stem. I lift the glass up and inhale the aroma. Still holding his gaze I take a large mouthful and swish it suggestively around my mouth. His eyes darken and I can see his jaw tighten and tense. As I swallow I then run my tongue around my lips and then part them, whilst gazing into his eyes. Then I say, “Hmm, yes, just nice.”
His face relaxes and he laughs. “I suppose I asked for that. You always could see through me hey Bella.” I laugh with him but think to myself that he is almost impossible to read. The food arrives and as I eat I see him watching me again for my reaction to the food. It is absolutely divine and not something that I would normally order. “Ben, this is amazing. You have chosen well.” I say, putting him out of his misery as he obviously wants to know what I think. He smiles and raises his eyes. “Not nice? Well I’ll take amazing over nice every day.” Once again we laugh and I finally feel on a level with him. Feeling bolder I ask about Melissa.
“So what about Melissa? She seems lovely, you are very well suited.” He looks at me a slow smile spreading across his face.” “Yes, she is, we are very happy.” Once again I feel strangely put out.
“Yes Nathan seems to like her too and he is a very good judge of character.” Ben smiles but says nothing. I press on wanting to know more about their relationship for some reason. “What about you Ben, are there wedding bells on the horizon for you two?” Ben just looks at me steadily. “No, we haven’t known each other that long.” I can’t seem to let it go and say, “But you do love her?”
Why did I say that? His expression changes to one of annoyance and I regret the question.
“What is love Bella? Sure we have fun; I enjoy her company and find her very attractive. Our sex life is good and she is funny and sweet.”
I feel disconcerted about him mentioning their sex life and I don’t know why. Seeing my obvious discomfort he carries on. “Is she the first thing that I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I sleep? Do I think about her every minute of the day and wonder what she is doing now? Do I want to spend my every waking hour with her and hold her tightly to me at night? Love is something that grows in time. It is like a flower that starts off as a small seed. You care for it and watch it grow. You find out what it likes to survive and you nurture it so that it flourishes. This is the flower that you take the most pride in. Not the one that you have purchased already in flower, that soon dies and is cast aside. This is a journey of understanding that cannot be rushed.”
His words captivate me and his face has relaxed as he talks about love. His eyes are burning into mine and once again I cannot look away. His words are beautiful and full of meaning. I have never heard anyone define what love means to them before and it has completely taken my
breath away.
The waitress once again appears to clear away the dishes and the spell is broken. She hands us the desert menus but he brushes them aside. Still looking steadily at me he says, “We will both have the chocolate brownie with pistachio ice cream, followed by two espressos.” “Very good choice,” she says and hurries away. Still holding his gaze I say, “Do you always have to be in control Ben?” My question obviously surprises him and he laughs, grinning at me like he used to. “Absolutely Bella. I like to take control, I am sure that you will soon learn that.”
I shift uncomfortably in my chair. I feel so turned on by him and I hate myself for the feelings that he arouses in me. I suddenly feel that I need Nathan here to protect me, like a safety blanket. That thought also disturbs me. I don’t want to think of him that way. I want him to be my world and to let nobody else in. Ben has made me question my own meaning of the word love and I am not sure that I am ready to think about it. I decide to break the spell and move onto safer ground.
I spend the rest of the meal asking him about his plans for the store and discussing what we found today. The time soon passes and we take the train home. Sitting opposite him on the train my thoughts turn to the coming weekend. “Ben, we don’t have to come with you to the New Forest you know.” He looks surprised and I continue. “I am sure that you would rather spend a romantic weekend with Melissa. We can make some excuse not to come.” He looks a little annoyed and says abruptly. “We want you both to come, it is all arranged. Why, is there a reason that you would rather not come?” He has thrown it back at me and I feel foolish. Shaking my head I say, “Oh no of course not. Nathan and I would love to come.” I brought Nathan into it more to settle my own mind than his, although I notice him frown as I mention his name. Well it’s not as though they didn’t ask us, so whatever his agenda is he will just have to sort it out on his own.