by S J Crabb
I can tell that he doesn’t like what I say because his eyes flash and darken. He rolls me over until I am underneath him and he pins me to the bed. “You are mine Bella, whether you delay it or not. You know it is inevitable. We were meant to be together and it won’t be long before everyone else knows it too.” He kisses me roughly and once again I feel my body responding to his. It lets me down every time and despite his controlling words I don’t care, I know he is right, I am lost to him and it is only a matter of time.
On the flight home I chat away to Karen about the trip. Ben keeps his distance and I think that nobody suspects a thing. Karen had been sympathetic at my day with Ben and had just expressed that she was sorry for me being landed with him for the whole day. I feel relieved because I am sure that it must be written all over my face at how I feel about him but it is obviously not.
We had decided to make our own way home and I was spending the night at home, desperate for an early night and some time to myself. When I get back to the flat I am pleased to see Phoebe sitting on the settee eating a tub of ice cream. She flings herself at me and says, “Thank God you’re home Bella. I have missed you so much and have so much to tell you.” Laughing I drop my bags and before she can object I pinch the ice-cream tub from her and jump in her place. Laughing she sits down and I say, “Come on then, spill. I can tell you are desperate to tell me something.” I can see her eyes shining and there is intense excitement on her face. “I am getting married,” she squeals. Dropping the ice- cream tub I fling my arms around her. “Oh my God, Phoebe, I am so happy for you. I can’t believe that you said yes at last.” She laughs happily. “I know. Boris asked me again two days ago. I was telling him that we had to cancel your wedding with his Uncle,” I look surprised as I thought that she already had and she looks sheepishly at me.”
“I didn’t cancel it straight away because I had hoped that you would work it out. Anyway Boris got down on one knee and said, “Please don’t cancel the wedding, and marry me instead.” I look at her and grin. “No surprises there then. I am just amazed that you relented.” She laughs happily. “Well I kind of got used to the idea as I have been planning your wedding now for a few months. I looked at him kneeling there and realised that I wouldn’t ever want to marry anyone else and why not?” I hug her and tears run down my cheeks. “I am happy for you both. You are right; there is no one else better for you than Boris.” She pulls away and says with a smile, “Please say you will be my maid of honour. I can’t do it without you.” I crush her to me and say, “Of course I will. You are my best friend and I love you. I would be honoured.” She suddenly looks a bit worried and says, “It won’t be too weird will it? I mean it was supposed to be your wedding.” Looking at her worried face I smile broadly. “Absolutely not. It was always your wedding. You planned every detail and arranged everything. It won’t be strange at all. This time however I am going to make sure that I play an active role in any organising. After all, as maid of honour I will be taking my duties extremely seriously.”
The rest of the evening is spent discussing her wedding and Boris and soon it is 10pm and we are fading fast. Just before we head off to bed she says, “Oh I forgot, what with all the excitement. Nathan has been calling wanting to know where you were and when you would be home. I told him that you were in Paris for the show and he said to make sure that when you got back I told you and that he would come around in the morning to see you.” Seeing the expression on my face she grins ruefully. “You need to tell him Bella. I can see that you are happy with Ben, it is written all over your face. Let him down gently but he needs to know.”
I go into my room with a heavy heart. I am not prepared to share my relationship with Ben with Nathan, but I realise that I need to tell him something, Phoebe is right, this can’t go on. Sitting on my bed I phone Ben. I need to hear his voice and I don’t care that it is late. He answers immediately concern in his voice. “What’s wrong Bella?” No pleasantries with him, he always seems to pick up on my mood even before I speak.
Sighing I say, “Nathan is apparently coming around in the morning. Phoebe thinks that I should tell him about us, let him down gently and allow him to move on.” I hear a sharp intake of breath on the other end and in a steely voice he says, “I am coming to get you now. You are not ready to tell him, I know that. It has to be when you are ready and not just when it’s right for him. Pack your bag you are staying with me for the weekend, no arguments.” He hangs up without waiting for my reply and I feel safe again. I need him more than he or I realise. I recognise that I can’t fight this much longer. I set about packing and write Phoebe a note, explaining where I am and that I can’t face Nathan yet. I hear Ben’s car pull in half an hour later and as I make my way outside I see him standing by the passenger door of his car, a shadowy figure in the dark, holding the door open for me.
I feel safe, he keeps the world away and as I sit back against the leather upholstery I close my eyes as I hear the door closing and relax for the first time since Phoebe told me about Nathan.
Chapter 26
I hide at Ben’s for the whole weekend. He doesn’t push me and I try to put the inevitable confrontation with Nathan out of my mind. Nathan has tried to call me several times and I have just ignored the calls. We have a nice chilled out weekend and after lunch on Sunday my thoughts turn to the week ahead.
Ben looks at me with concern and says, “You’re quiet Bella, are you worrying about seeing Nathan tomorrow, because if you are I can arrange for him to be somewhere else?” I smile at him gratefully but say with a sigh, “It’s ok Ben. You have been great about all of this but I realise that I must tell Nathan that I have moved on, I can’t let him have any hope that we can resolve our issues. I will speak to him tomorrow.”
He reaches over and pulls me against him, his arm holding me tightly. It feels reassuring and I feel safe with him. “Will you tell him about us?” he says softly. I shake my head and stroke his hand. “No, I don’t want him to know that. He will tell everybody at work and it may make things awkward. He doesn’t need to know who, at least not just now. I am sure that it won’t be long before our secret is out and I just want to enjoy it for a bit longer.”
He pulls my face towards him and gives me a gentle smile. He cups my chin and gazing into my eyes he says, “It is your decision. I am happy for you to tell everyone but understand your reasons for waiting. Nothing will change anyway. We are meant to be together Bella, we always were.” He then kisses me gently, his mouth teasing mine. His fingers run through the back of my head and he grasps my hair and holding my head in place kisses me deeply and passionately. My legs turn to jelly and I realise that he is right. There is no going back, he is my perfect fit. I cannot be without him, he is the air that I breathe and without it I cannot survive.
Ben drops me into work the next day. He doesn’t stay as he has a meeting in one of his other stores and he makes sure that he drops me off a few roads away from the store. As I walk in my stomach is churning at the thought of the conversation that I will be having sometime today. Luckily I am very busy for most of the morning and the time passes quickly. April and I have been planning the Spring displays and once we have finished she jumps up saying, “Is it ok if I go to lunch first today? It’s just that I am meeting my friend Sasha for a catch up.” I nod smiling and say, “Of course you can, have fun.”
She grabs her coat and bag and excitedly leaves the office. Almost immediately the door opens again and I laugh, “Ok, what have you forgotten now?” But as I spin around it is not April standing there but Nathan. My breath catches in my throat and I feel my face fall. My body tenses up and I just stare at him. He looks at me with a serious face and I can tell that he is very tense too. He moves towards me and pulls April’s seat over until he is sitting directly in front of me. He is so close and I can see the lines around his eyes that he always gets when he hasn’t been sleeping and his face is sombre.
He runs his fingers through his hair and says, “Ok Bella, we
need to talk and I am not going to take no for an answer. You have been avoiding me and even though I fully understand your reasons I cannot wait any longer.” Feeling my face flush I look down at my hands. Seeing him in front of me is hard. Despite everything I do still love him. Not in the same way that I did before, something changed when Ben came on the scene and Nathan cheated on me with Melissa, but even so my feelings are still very strong for him, which I am relieved about. It shows that the time we spent together meant something.
I can see that he is waiting for me to speak so I look at him and say, “You’re right Nathan, we do need to speak. This situation needs resolving and we need to clear the air. I am sorry that I have been avoiding you, you’re right about that.” I feel him studying my face intently which distracts me so I stand up and walk to the other side of the room. I need to compose myself and can’t do it with him sitting so close to me. I can see him watching me and waiting for me to speak.
Clearing my throat I say, “Look Nathan, a lot has happened since the New Year. I was absolutely devastated when I found out about you and Melissa and I needed to get away.” I can feel my eyes filling with tears and have to turn away. I need to get a grip, I know it’s not going to be easy but it needs to be done. Nathan looks at me with tears in his eyes and I know that he is on the verge of coming over so I carry on quickly. “I took a few days to let it all sink in and the one thing that I realised was that it was now over.” He looks upset and I go back and sit in front of him. “I don’t know what is going on with you and Melissa now, but whatever it is I hope that it works out. I want you to be happy and I can’t just switch off my feelings for you.”
He reaches out and takes my hands. He holds them tightly and I can see that it would be pointless to try to get away. His voice is husky and emotional and he says, “I am so sorry for what I have done to you. I love you still as much as ever and would do anything to make it up to you. Melissa and I were never in a relationship. I was obviously just someone to fill the loneliness in her life. I was flattered and know it was wrong but once I started seeing her I couldn’t stop.” I nod and look down. How can I judge him when I had those same feelings for Ben?
He looks at me still holding my hands and says, “Melissa and I finished whatever it was that we had started. She told me last week that she had lost the baby.” He gulped as he said it and I look at him in shock. I can see that he is upset and my first thought is to comfort him. Putting my hand on his arm I look at him with sympathy. “Please believe me when I say this Nathan, I am so sorry.” He shrugs but I can see that he is upset. He carries on, “Melissa is gone, I don’t know where. I suppose I could look for her but I don’t want to.”
Looking at me earnestly he squeezes my hands and says, “I will fight for you though Bella. This has made me realise that I don’t want to lose you. I can’t believe that I was so stupid to ruin what we had. I know you may need time to think but please can we try again? I will spend my life making it up to you, I swear.” Tears are now running freely down my cheeks and I pull my hands away. Shaking my head I say, “No Nathan.” He looks at me the distress evident on his face. I stand up again and take a deep breath. I look at him with as blank an expression as I can and say the words that I know he doesn’t want to hear. “It’s too late, I have met somebody else.” It is as though I have physically punched him. His face looks in total shock and he stares at me in bewilderment. It is almost as if he can’t believe what he heard and shakes his head at me. “What do you mean? You can’t have met anybody. It’s only been a few weeks.”
I can’t bear it and reach out to him. “I know, I didn’t plan it, it just happened. If nothing else it reinforces the fact that we were not right for each other. I am sorry Nathan, I didn’t want to tell you but you need to know so that you can move on.”
He pushes the seat back violently and brings his fist down on to the desk. It lands with a thump and he looks angrily at me. He is staring with such a ferocious look that I suddenly feel quite scared. Then in a steely voice he hisses, “Who is it?” I shake my head in fear. I have never seen him this angry. “Nobody you know, it is best that we leave him out of this.” He reacts angrily and starts shouting. “Leave him out of it! Are you stupid? How on earth can we leave him out of it? The first thing I am going to do is to punch his lights out.”
He starts pacing up and down and I feel worried. He is obviously losing control and the last thing I want is for him to find out that it is Ben and storm out looking for him. He would lose his job if he went after him. I try to calm him down and reach out to him.
“Please Nathan, calm down, this isn’t helping.” He looks at me angrily and then his face changes almost immediately. His eyes soften and he reaches out to me. He pulls me towards him and I have no choice but to let him as he has me backed in the corner of the office. “I’m sorry Bella. Don’t worry I’m not going to hurt you.” I can feel him crushing me to his body and can hear his heart thumping in his chest. He whispers softly, “I understand. You were hurt and upset and the first man that showed you some attention confused you. You probably don’t realise it but you were hitting out at me. I totally get it and don’t blame you.”
Pulling away from me he holds my face in his hands and looking gently at me he says, “You know what this means don’t you Baby?” I shake my head; my eyes now wide with fright. “It means that we are even. You got back at me fair and square. You don’t really want this man; it was just a reaction to my infidelity. We can put it all behind us and carry on together.” Before I can even answer he leans in and kisses me passionately. I struggle to get away but he is too strong. As he draws away I push him. He looks at me in surprise and all of the anger in me comes to the surface.
“How dare you.” I shout at him, not even caring if anyone can hear us. “Get out Nathan and don’t ever touch me again. I have tried to do this nicely but you have left me with no choice. I am not getting back with you now or ever. The fact that I have found somebody else so quickly shows that I must not have loved you enough in the first place. I am sorry if the truth hurts but shit happens. Now get out before I call security.”
He staggers back as the full force of my words hit him. He looks like I have wounded him and heads blindly towards the door. He wrenches the door open and runs out slamming it behind him. I sink down on to my seat and it all comes rushing out. I sob bitterly. It is as though all of the pent up feelings come rushing out and I cannot stop. Finally I let my emotions get the better of me and I totally give in to them.
I spent the rest of the day in my office. April came back from lunch and could see that I had been crying. She had asked if she could help but I waved her away. Luckily she left me to my own devices and I tried to concentrate on my work instead. Ben texted me to see if I had seen Nathan. I just replied that I had and would tell him about it later. He said that he would pick me up where he had dropped me off and take me to dinner.
April and I pack up to go home. She looks over to me and says, “Night Bella. I hope that you manage to get a rest tonight. It looks like you could do with it. I hope that you feel better tomorrow.” She comes over and hugs me. I hug her back, grateful that she recognises when I need to be left alone. “Thanks April. I am sorry for the atmosphere. It will be ok from now on I am sure.” We walk out together and then once outside head our separate ways.
I walk the ten minutes to the road where Ben will be waiting and think about what I will tell him. I am angry with Nathan but I don’t want him to lose his job.
Seeing him waiting for me my heart lifts. I am so glad that he is here, I need him more than I thought I did, today has taught me that at least. As I approach the car I suddenly feel somebody approaching from behind me. They grab my arm and pull me around. My stomach lurches in fear as I see Nathan behind me holding on to my arm, his face set in stone. Fear creeps over me and I am suddenly aware of the disaster yet to come. Before I can even pull away I hear the car door slam and my knees grow weak as I see events unfolding before me.<
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Ben reaches my side in an instant and Nathan looks up at him, the shock evident on his face. “You!” Nathan hisses as he looks between me and Ben. I pull away and Ben says in a cold voice, “Get in the car Bella.” He looks at Nathan the whole time as he speaks and I feel the fear rising within me. I look at them both wildly and my feet are rooted to the spot. Ben speaks again more forcefully and says, “Now Bella. Get in the car!” Turning away I run for the car and don’t look back until I am safely inside. I can see the two of them just glaring at each other. Soon I hear raised voices but can’t hear what they are saying. I can see that Nathan is extremely angry. Ben’s back is to me but whatever he is saying is not going down well with Nathan. Then abruptly Nathan leaves, throwing an anguished look towards me. Ben watches him until he is out of sight and then slowly turns and walks back to the car. He gets inside and I can see that his face is set into a cold angry mask.
Trembling I sit back and fasten my seat belt. I have never seen him like this and fear once again grips me. Ben drives off but instead of the restaurant he takes me back to his house. We go inside and he turns towards me. His face looks angry still and I reach up to it. I trace the frown and he holds my hand against his face. His eyes are almost black and I can feel the tension in him. I move closer to him, I just want to make the tension go. I pull him towards me and gently kiss him on the mouth. He pulls me roughly towards him and kisses me with such passion that it takes my breath away. We don’t speak and he lifts me up into his arms and carries me into the living room and lowers me on to the settee.