‘A very good one.’ He takes her hand. ‘OK. For the moment, let’s focus on Liza. Let’s see where we are in a few days when she’s back home and settled. And then revisit things.’
Her mind races forward and traces over her calendar for the coming week. The IVF clinic appointment. Casper would be back at school, thank the Lord. She wants to share all this with her husband but, in the end, keeps her mouth shut. After all, she doesn’t want to give him any cause to disrupt the equilibrium.
‘And also, the flat. Downstairs,’ Tom says. Wow. This is it, she’s thinking. He’s changed his mind. ‘I’ve just been thinking,’ he carries on squeezing the palm of her hand like it’s putty. ‘I think we should rent it out. Now. For a year. We need to save up. If there’s any sort of treatment.’
She hadn’t let her mind linger on the cost of IVF and how they’d fund it. In fact, she hadn’t even really calculated that side of things at all. Typical of her, she thinks. Head in the sand. She thinks guiltily of the amount she’s been spending from their joint account recently. And then she thinks of her own lack of work. The minimal effort she’s put into finding a job. She feels bleak.
‘Well, about that.’ She takes her hand back. ‘I still think we should let Liza, Thea and Jack stay for a bit.’
‘A bit? How long is a bit?’
‘Well, until they get back on their feet. You know. They’re going to struggle in that huge house.’
‘Well, Liza’s not short of a bob or two. Nor is Gav.’
‘You know Gav doesn’t like people in the house. And it’s so difficult for Liza at the moment. What with Gav’s strange behaviour. Wanting to separate but not letting Liza go.’
‘Well – Gav always said it wasn’t quite so simple as that, Sa. So you know, you can’t presume to know what’s going on in other people’s marriages. Can you?’
‘But he’s controlling her. He’s there, every move she makes. It’s manipulative, it’s like he’s checking up on her. And she’s different around him now. So acquiescent. Not like Liza at all.’
‘Well, as I said, he’s probably just trying to be around for his kids, isn’t he?’
‘Why doesn’t he move out? What the hell is wrong with him? It’s like he’s keeping her captive by staying there.’
‘Lord knows. I told you. It’s nothing to do with us.’
‘It’s everything to do with us!’ she shrieks.
‘Look. Why are we arguing about them? This is their problem to sort, Sa. We can’t do that for them. It’s between Gav and Liza to sort out the terms of their separation. It’s not your job.’ Tom rubs at his cheek, leaving a red mark on his skin. ‘If we let Liza and the kids stay for a week it might just be months before they go. Who knows. Look, I know you feel indebted to her. That she was at the hospital with you when everything happened, but you have to stop thinking that friendship is like that. She was there because she loves you and because she’s a good person.’
Sarah starts to cry again.
‘And now, we have to save money, Sa. IVF is expensive. And I just want you to focus on yourself after last year. You haven’t been doing enough of that. Remember what the counsellor said about distraction?’
‘Well I thought that Liza could do some babysitting.’ Sarah tries to keep herself from exploding or she’s not going to get her own way at all. ‘I mean – if we’re going to go ahead with this IVF route, then we’ll be out a lot. Won’t we? She’ll be there to watch Casper. He can entertain Jack.’
‘You’re now telling me that you’re going to dump our son on Liza? In the same breath that you are telling me you are desperate to help her?’ He makes an annoying whistling sound through his teeth. ‘You consider then,’ he continues. ‘You consider what’s more important to you.’
‘Fine,’ she snaps. She watches as he pulls himself off the sofa, his salmon-pink jumper fraying at the elbows. ‘I will.’
She finishes her glass of wine and defiantly pours herself another, then drains it and slides it across the coffee table. A drop of red streaks across the wood. If Tom isn’t going to play ball, she’ll just have to go ahead and take matters into her own hands. Sod it, she thinks. She picks up her phone and composes a text. She feels a pull at her gut. One that says that what she’s about to do isn’t quite right. But – she thinks – it’s the right thing to do on paper. She thinks of Tom again. Selfish. How dare he pull the IVF card on her. True, they aren’t rolling in it but, for God’s sake, they can help a friend out. She’s going to get Liza, Jack and Thea to move into the flat. She’ll tell them they can only stay for a few weeks. Just until Jack gets stronger. Whoosh. It’s sent. She expects to feel vindicated. But out of nowhere, a deep surge of fear ploughs through her.
Shit, she thinks. What has she done? She can take it back, surely? She wonders how she’s going to tell Tom. Perhaps she’ll have to tell him that she had no choice. That Liza really, really needs her. She hears him coming back downstairs. He’s changed into his tartan dressing gown and pale-blue pyjamas.
‘Just come down for some water. Going to bed now. Can you save my takeaway for tomorrow? I’m not that hungry after all. Too tired.’
‘Oh, yeah sure.’
‘All OK?’ he asks. ‘You look worried? What’s going on?’
‘Nothing.’ Her phone pings. She knows it’s Liza. She can sense it. She just can’t bring herself to look at the screen. Another ping. Hopefully she will have turned down Sarah’s offer. Then all will be OK and she’ll be able to move on. Liza will know she was trying to help. Then she’ll start giving Ella Bradby a run for her money. After all, Ella is only a very recent friend of Liza’s. Except, she thinks, sometimes those friends are the most dangerous; Liza no longer needs to make much of an effort with Sarah, after all.
‘Who’s that?’ Tom tightens his dressing gown cord. ‘Pinging you. Why are you looking so … shifty?’
‘Oh.’ She slides the phone under her. ‘It’s no one.’
‘Well, it must be someone.’ He takes a step closer. She presses her bum down into the cushion, hoping to mute any further sound. Just as she’s about to leap up off the sofa and make a run for it, she feels his lips on her forehead.
‘OK. Well, get some rest. I’m here for you. You know that, don’t you? I’m here to help. I’m not the enemy. We’re a team, Sa.’
‘OK,’ she says, her body rigid. ‘Thank you,’ she squeaks. ‘And goodnight.’
‘Night.’
She watches him leave the room. She wants to look at her messages, but the fear of what Tom will say is paralysing her. Not to mention the guilt about everything. One more minute, she thinks. One more minute of not having to be responsible for her actions – not knowing the outcome of what she’s done.
One more minute and then she’ll find out her fate.
West London Gazette editorial notes, October 2019
J Roper interview transcript: The dads, witnesses, The Vale Club
Will: Well, we don’t spend time with them alone – not when they’re in their big mum groups. (Interviewee does a mock shudder.) Certainly not if we can help it. It’s not like we can get a word in edgeways, is it? I can’t tell you what goes through their heads. Because we just watch them in astonishment thinking: what are you on about? Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing? And you know if we dare ask them – is it that time of the month? (Interviewee pretends to strangle himself.) Anyway – we were all there the morning it happened.
Theo: We were training. Before work. We’re doing the half marathon together in Paris early next year. Lads’ trip. Get away from the wife and kids for a while. (Interviewee guffaws.) We go together to The Vale Club because to be honest it’s a bit tricky to go when all the ladies are there. It’s better that we leave them to get on with it and …
Freddie: … talk amongst themselves. We can’t keep up with anything they’re saying really. They leap from one convo to the next, like rope-jumping monkeys. And one will be talking about one thing and three others about s
omething totally different. But somehow, they’ll get what each other is saying …
J-J: But really it’s like they’re talking in tongues.
Will: And then someone will say something and they’ll all go a bit silent – and then the chatter will start up again. Except when they’re talking about something really sensitive. Like, y’know, vaccinations or something. And then everyone’s shouting, trying to be heard. They’re just waiting for the other person to shut up so they can get their point across quickly.
Theo: So yeah – we missed the actual fall. But when we all left that morning, it was already getting crowded. Half-term craziness. So that might have been an issue – people losing sight of their kid. My wife goes crazy sometimes, that I’m not watching our little boy. But then two minutes later there she is doing the same thing – yakking to her friends or on her phone.
Freddie: It’s crazy, isn’t it? They hover, but often aren’t paying attention anyway.
Will: And they have this weird capacity to make a small deal into the biggest deal possible. Like – if they feel someone’s slighted one of the kids or something …
Theo: Haha and that’s it – they’re off on one. It’s like something primal gets switched on. My wife threatened to set up a smear campaign once – against a lady who made a comment about our eldest. Wanted to buy a domain name and everything and start spreading anonymous rumours online. It’s honestly batshit.
Freddie: They say we don’t understand it. That we don’t have the same reactions that they do because we’re not mums and don’t have that maternal thing. But I must admit to being shaken up by that fall. We all know them – the family. They’re always here. Everyone recognises everyone so we did get quite a shock. And everyone’s been on the case, trying to work out what happened, just to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Because you can say what you like about us men around here but we’re definitely proactive about that kind of thing, and we care. We get stuff done.
Will: Yeah – we do. But they’ll still find a reason to have a go at us, won’t they? (Interviewee makes clucking noises.)
Interview ends to lots of laughter and slapping of thighs.
LIZA
I tell Sarah I need to think about it. Just give me a few hours to speak to Gav, I’d written. I want her to know I’ve taken her offer seriously. For her to realise how much I appreciate it and that I haven’t taken her friendship for granted. But deep in my heart, as soon as I got her message, my blood had gone hot with relief. A few weeks, I’ll tell her. At most. Just until Jack’s physio has started to work. Just until he’s at least more mobile. Because the idea of doing this with Gav in the house, with the horrific and tense atmosphere, is too much to bear.
I look around my room and mentally prepare myself for the packing I’m going to have to do and all the things that Jack will need. We’ll all be on one floor. Safe. Sarah and Tom upstairs. With their help, I think, maybe I can manage this. And Casper could even come and entertain Jack. It’s a win-win for us all.
I hear Mary downstairs, the hiss of the boiling-water tap; her shushing Thea. I think of Jack. He’ll be asleep now, I hope, but the lure of seeing my little boy is too much. I get up and ignore the drag of tiredness in my limbs. By the time I get to the hospital, it’s nearly midnight. Gav is asleep, with his arms crossed, on a plastic chair next to the bed. I can hear the soft whistle of Jack’s breath.
‘Gav.’ I shake his arm. ‘Gav, wake up. Is he OK?’
‘Huh?’ He opens his eyes and, for a minute, I think he’s about to smile at me in that old lazy way of his; the moment before he leans in for a kiss. But then he recognises me and the glimmer disappears.
‘Fine. He’s just been asleep for hours. He complained a bit about the pain. But the nurses have been great. Oh, and Doc says he can come home tomorrow.’
‘Really?’ I ask, thinking about how we’re going to manage, but before I can say much more, he pushes himself up from the chair. ‘Right, I’m going.’
‘Wait,’ I say. ‘Wait.’
‘What? I’m tired. I’ll be back tomorrow. First thing.’
‘Just that, Sarah and Tom …’ I take a deep breath, wanting to get this done and dusted as soon as possible, so it’s not weighing on my mind. Gav can be cranky when he’s tired – I’ve learnt that the hard way – but at the same time I know he’ll want to wrap up the conversation and get home. ‘Well, they’ve asked if we want to move into the downstairs flat. Me, Jack and Thea. I mean.’
‘Really?’ his eyebrows shoot up. He’s wide awake now. ‘You and the kids move out from ours?’
‘Yes,’ I say cautiously.
‘Firstly, Tom was telling me only yesterday he wanted to rent the flat out.’
‘Oh.’ Any feeling of hope or power drains from me. ‘He must have changed his mind. Sarah was pretty adamant. Here, look at her text.’
He scans the screen of my phone.
‘Hmmmm,’ he nods. ‘That changes nothing. You know full well you aren’t moving out.’ He gives me a warning look – a brief flash in his eyes. ‘You aren’t going anywhere. You need to be where I can watch you.’
‘But …’
‘No buts. How do you expect me to see the children? Are you deliberately trying to keep them from their father? Is that what it is? Because if you even think, Liza—’
‘No, no of course not.’ A needy tone creeps into my voice, mixed with irritation that he constantly has this effect on me. That with Gav, I’m this deferential being – totally different to how I perceive myself in the outside world. ‘As if I’d do that. You can see them whenever you like. It’s just that I think it’ll be easier for you. For me. For us both. Given the tension. It won’t help Jack’s recovery. You know that. Don’t you?’
‘Liza. That’s not happening.’ He moves closer towards me. I can see the muscles straining from his neck; the tic of a vein down the side of his forehead. ‘What did I just say?’
‘It’s OK.’ I’ve made up my mind now. For Jack’s sake. This rowing will be no good for him. ‘Sarah’s said we can move in. That’s what we will be doing.’ I swallow back my fear. I know I’m going against orders, that this all might blow up in my face, but I force myself to stick to my guns.
‘What about night times? You’ll need help. With the kids. I need to help. To make sure everything’s OK.’ He sounds panicked now but I widen my feet in an effort to try and stand my ground.
‘We’ll be fine.’ I want to add the words, without you, but I know what will happen if I do. ‘I mean, you just come and watch me feed Thea.’
‘I do more than that, Liza, and you know it.’ I feel winded. I look around. His voice is getting louder and Jack is starting to rouse.
‘Yes, yes I know. We’re so grateful for everything you do.’ I see Gav’s shoulders drop just a touch. ‘And you are the most amazing dad. I really couldn’t do it without you. You know that.’
‘It’s nothing to do with that, Liza, and you know that full well. Have you really forgotten everything that happened?’
‘Well, how about as a compromise I ask Sarah if you can have a key too?’ I feel sick at the thought of him letting himself in unannounced, anytime he wants. But I know this is the only way he’ll let me agree. ‘And we can set Jack up with a temporary mobile, so he can call you direct whenever he wants. And you can call him. That way you know everything’s OK.’
He takes a deep breath. I notice his hands sliding over his knees. I’m suddenly aware of my own quickened heartbeat.
‘OK, Gav?’ I try and steady my voice. ‘It’ll be good for us. I think you need it.’
‘Trial run,’ he says after a pause. ‘A few days. If things go like before, then you have to move straight back in. Understood? And I’m allowed to let myself in at any time. You promise?’
‘Fine,’ I whisper. ‘That’s the deal.’
He gives a great sigh like something heavy has been moved off him.
‘OK.’ And then we both stare at Jack.
�
��Well, we don’t need much. Just the physio, who is coming over every day. Except now you’re not going to be in the house, things might need a little more organisation.’
‘OK.’ I’m not reacting to his pointed comments. ‘Also, we need to think about a tutor too. Perhaps I’ll ask Ella for a recommendation. I’m sure she must know someone. And we need to sort out one of those mobile potty things. Can you order one? To go straight to the house.’
‘Fine. I’ve got to go. I’ll be back later.’ I watch him disappear and as soon as he does I let out the breath I’ve been holding, pull out my phone and text Sarah.
Yes, I reply. I start to type, It’s all agreed, then I delete it. Sarah’s always having a go at me that Gav seems to make all the decisions in the house. One million times yes. Thank you. So much. I don’t know whether a part of me is doing this to spite Gav but, as soon as I hear the message go, I start to cry. I can feel the delayed shock kicking in; all the fear and worry; my mind racing with everything that needs sorting out. But most of all, gratitude. I am filled with a deep gratitude that, despite everything – Jack’s accident, a marital separation – Sarah is there, and I know she’d do anything for me.
SARAH
Sarah has a spring in her step for the first time in ages. Or rather, a sense of purpose. Jack is going to be OK. It will be a hard road. But there is no lasting damage, thank God. Liza had also texted to say he is being discharged from hospital. The relief! She’ll pop over as soon as they’re back, just as Liza asked her to do. She hasn’t heard anything about any investigation just yet and she’s just dropped Casper at Camilla’s to see Elodie – if anyone knew anything about a looming investigation, Camilla would, and she hadn’t said a thing.
Sarah had to admit, though, the guilt about what had happened at The Vale Club is still rumbling away, embedded deep into her subconscious, manifesting in some strange and twisted dreams in which she wakes thinking Casper had fallen from a great height. She startles constantly in the night, throwing off the bedclothes and gasping for breath. And on top of this is the fear of having to tell Tom she’s offered Liza the flat. But at least she’s doing something, she’s trying to salve her conscience. And Liza would be away from Gav, able to make her own choices. From the outsiders’ point of view, Gav is a hands-on dad. Oh isn’t he wonderful, the other mothers would coo. I wish my Dave was like that instead of sitting there with his hand down his pants. He’s always attentive, Gav. Always up with the children, watching over Liza. Making sure she has water whilst she’s feeding Thea. But Sarah knows better. She senses something else is at play – it’s obvious in how much Liza changes when she’s around him. Trying to please him all the time; always compensating for his abruptness.
The Fallout Page 10