by Abi Ketner
The mention of medication, the memory of what it does, makes something cold crawl up my neck.
“If I’m gone, Levi, there are others who can help you and give you medications if you need them,” Mom replies evenly.
“Got any that’ll numb me? If you do, hand some over.”
Before I can stop myself, I snap. “She certainly knows which ones work, don’t you? Being that you were a zombie for years. Tell me, Mom, was it better being in a daze? Forgetting my existence and the fact that your daughter needed her mom, her love, and her support? Some days I cried just wishing … hoping that maybe today would be the day you hugged me.”
Silence meets my outburst.
“Lexi,” she says at long last, “that period of my life was controlled by a man who was drugging me. There wasn’t anything I could do. I tried only pretending to swallow the pills, but he caught on quick, and that’s when he started injecting me instead …” She coughs once more and ducks down as Genesis’s friends turn to watch. “Please give me the chance to justify my actions … to explain the truth.”
“There’s no need, Mom,” I spit out the last word. “I watched you take them when he wasn’t around, and you put yourself before your children … That’s the most selfish act a mother could ever do.”
“That’s not what happened.” A tear trickles down her face, and I bite my tongue to keep myself from responding.
“I think it’s best to end this conversation,” Bruno cuts in, his eyes tracking back and forth between me and my mom.
Zeus’s ears have now straightened up, and he sits at attention, sensing the tension. The other people scoot farther away from us, their disdain for my mom clearly showing.
Cole puts his hand on mine, and I lift my face to his. His eyes glisten in the light, and he shakes his head. “Don’t worry about her,” he says. “We need you—I need you—to focus on getting us out of this situation.” I don’t know how he does it, but warmth runs through me at his touch.
My mom coughs more, covering her face, and Owen crawls over to her. He puts his hand on her forearm, drawing her gaze. She summons him into her lap, where he lays his head on her chest, resting peacefully against her.
I’m flummoxed by this development. My fists tighten. How can she be so caring for other people, yet still have done what she did to me?
Just then, Genesis and her scout jump down the ladder and hit the floor, smiles on their faces. Everyone’s attention turns toward them.
“Pack up,” she commands. “I’ve located a safer area.”
With a rumble, the others begin packing their meager supplies. Cole stands, offering me his hand, and I take it so he can pull me up from the hard floor. My muscles ache, and I stretch like a cat, groaning with the effort. Bruno helps my mom stand with Owen in her arms.
“I’ll take him,” Cole says. My mom steps away from him, holding the back of Owen’s sleeping head to keep it from bobbing.
“That’s very nice of you, but I’ll be all right. We need you for protection.”
“Jade, your coloring isn’t so hot and you seem weak,” Cole says.
“I’ll be just fine. Please don’t worry about me,” she replies.
Cole cocks his head and sighs. There’s clearly something wrong with her. So clearly that even Cole is concerned about her, which baffles me, when he hates her for what she did. Yes, something’s wrong. Think, Lexi. Shortness of breath, coughing, and fever … With those symptoms, I’m fairly confident my mom’s fighting pneumonia. And she’s right. Without antibiotics, she might die. With a weakened immune system, the odds are against her. Somehow I’ll find antibiotics, and that will take care of the pneumonia. I hope.
It’s weird seeing Cole and my mom interact this way. I guess I never imagined they’d meet, and especially not here. I lace up my boots again, channeling my mixed emotions into pulling my laces tighter.
Levi and Bruno load up their packs with what little food we have left. Before we leave, Genesis pulls us aside. Zeus growls as he stands next to me, giving her a warning. She doesn’t acknowledge him.
“Jade, Levi, and Cole are coming with me. You’re going on a food mission.”
“No way. We’re not separating,” I say firmly.
“That wasn’t a request,” Genesis says. “It was an order. Our agreement was that you find food and get answers, and we’ll help you in return.”
“And what if we can’t find enough food and water?” I ask. “What then? Will you just throw your hands in air and say, oh well, you’re screwed?”
Her smirk is arrogant, but she doesn’t have a chance to respond.
“We never said we’d take orders from you,” Cole says. “And until you prove yourself trustworthy, I’d watch your mouth.” He steps between Genesis and the rest of our group. “Leaving Lexi is not an option.”
Genesis rolls her eyes and throws her hands in the air. “You two are pathetic. Fine. Cole and Lexi, go. The rest come with me. I won’t negotiate further. Follow the broken path to the end. There’s a cement building there, no graffiti. That’s where we’ll be.” She squints at us. “And if you’re a no-show tonight, you can kiss your friends goodbye.”
I clench my jaw, willing myself to be calm. This wasn’t how I pictured things would end up. Genesis spins around and grasps the ladder in front of her, never glancing back to see if we agree.
“I’ll take care of them, guys,” Bruno says in a low voice. “You just come back safely, all right?”
“Stay safe, brother,” Cole says. “We’ll see you tonight.”
***
The others move into the distance, lugging their belongings with them. My stomach’s queasy from leaving them with Genesis and also the pressure of finding food. We have to turn up with something or Genesis might hurt my friends—or worse for everyone—we might never save Sutton and get out of here.
Cole’s strangely quiet as we roam the streets with Zeus at his side. His moves are calculated. He inspects his steps and surroundings thoroughly and with caution, but there’s no panic on his face or urgency in his movements. It’s like seeing a person you’ve known forever in a whole new light. When we met, he was just Cole, a commanding, by-the-book guard with a handsome face, but I feel like I’ve watched him grow into a man. From being ashamed of who he was, to confronting his truth, to being at peace with the direction his life is taking. Maybe his growth is a reflection of mine as well. Maybe it’s a journey we have to take together, regardless of how painful it’s been at times.
“Are you okay?” he asks. I look up and am taken aback by his stare. He gives me a crooked smile.
“You worry too much,” I say, playfully swatting his arm. It’s solid steel under my hand, and I pull away quickly, my face heating up.
“Not as much as before.” He chuckles. “Because you’re not the girl who used to trip over her own two feet. Now, you’re not as fragile. I like that …” He trails off, his face scrunching up. “I think that might’ve come out wrong.”
I laugh. “No, you’re right. If nothing else, I’ve learned to walk without killing myself. Or barfing.” Cole’s eyes gleam. “What’re you—”
He shoves me through the doorway of a building, and at first, I think he’s messing around—until I see the serious expression on his face. He pushes me against the wall, pressing me into silence.
“Someone’s coming,” he whispers.
The smell of sweat and dirt mixed with days-old deodorant reaches my nose. My face is practically buried in Cole’s chest, where his heart beats strong and fast. He has his arms around me, locking me in a cage of flesh and strength. I watch his Adam’s apple bob. While I’m worried about getting caught, I can barely focus with him so close to me, his body pressed against mine. A few moments pass before he winks at me.
“Coast is clear,” he whispers. His hands move to my shoulders, and his full lips part. I focus on the scar running through his lip and watch as he breathes. My own breathing ceases under his gaze.
A viscera
l need for physical closeness almost swallows me. Before all of the truth came out, he was mine. Those lips and eyes were only for me. His hands would caress every inch of my flesh. I wanted—no, I needed—him to be mine. I gulp as he closes the space between us, until his lips are less than an inch from mine. I close my eyes, almost willing him to meet me halfway.
But I freeze.
Cool air passes between us, and when I open my eyes, he’s stepped back. He lowers his head, groaning.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble, feeling vulnerable. I wrap my hands around myself and swallow my tears. I don’t know why I feel like crying.
“No, it’s my fault,” he says, sounding breathless. “I agreed to being friends, and I don’t want to ruin that.”
“You’re right, I did, too.” My voice comes out jagged as I look at the floor. “It’s a struggle for me too, Cole.”
His hand grasps my arm and pulls me to face him again. “I’m not going anywhere.” He leans in.
My walls crumble, and I nod as tears fall. I can’t be angry with him for the past, just like he can’t be angry with me. There was so much we didn’t tell each other in the beginning, partly because we were immature and didn’t know how to handle the strong tie that bonded us from the moment we met. We are completely different people now, even months later. More mature, more able to cope with the emotions that constantly battle for our attention, more able to forgive.
“Cole, I have faith everything will be all right in the end ... somehow.”
“Me, too,” he says. “I wish I could erase your somehow.”
If only it was that easy. If only I could bring myself to kiss him right now, everything would be different. But I know in my heart, I’d only be fooling myself, because as much as I long for him, now’s not the time. I’m not fully healed, if I ever will be, and that would be unfair to him.
Zeus nips at my hand, drawing my focus away from Cole. I lean down and give him a kiss on his head while scratching behind his ears. He wags and his tail whaps me.
Cole scratches his back for a minute before rummaging around the room, searching for supplies. He collects two cans of beans, the expiration date long past.
“We shouldn’t waste any more time. Let’s get what we came for so we can head back to our group,” I say. I join him in searching through the door-less cabinets and the trash spread throughout the room.
“And when we get back, we’re going to demand to see these plans Genesis keeps talking about. Because if she doesn’t come up with something, we’re going out on our own.”
I love when Cole takes charge.
We hand out the small amount of food we were able to scrape up from a few different places around the Rainbow District. Luckily for us, it’s enough for everyone here. The electricity between Cole and me, always threatening to zap us both, has calmed down to a thread since we talked. Now, it’s just a familiar guilt mixed with the agonizing need for redemption on Cole’s end. I’ve convinced myself I can handle that better than the brutal pain of not talking to him at all. And I’ll admit, I missed his touch more than I realized.
“Next,” I say.
Another person files up and takes a package of peanuts we pilfered from a vehicle on the side of the road. These people don’t seem to care what we give them, so I don’t bother telling the next woman that the beans expired two years ago.
“Please keep moving,” Cole says.
As I hand out the last small can, I turn my attention to a commotion coming from the corner where my mom holds Owen. The boy’s crying and cowering away from one of Genesis’s followers as my mom strokes his back and rests her cheek on his head. I’m about to intervene when she begins singing to him. Her voice brings back a thousand flooding memories of her singing me to sleep when I was younger. My dad would kiss me good-night, and then my mom would sit next to me and sing while playing with my hair. It makes me wonder where everything went wrong. What changed her so much that she accused me and sent me here? I would give anything to go back so she could sing me a song. I miss her. My heart feels like it’s being pricked with a needle as I long for the mom she was before my father died.
“Hey! Focus,” the grizzled man in front of me demands, slamming his hand down on the table where I had the food stacked moments before. I jump, and the jar of pickles slips out of my hand, falling to the floor and spilling all over the man’s shoes. “Dammit, you tramp!”
All heads turn toward us, and silence descends over the group.
“What did you just call her?” Cole asks in a menacing tone. I bend to clean up the mess, but Cole tenses next to me. He steps forward until he’s nose to nose with the guy.
“Are you deaf?” the guy snaps. “I called her a tramp. You know, like her brand says she is.” The man leers at Cole, and the vein in Cole’s neck starts to bulge.
Zeus licks the pickles and juice off the floor and steps on the man’s foot, making him angrier. He tries to shove Zeus away, but Zeus doesn’t budge. He only growls and bares his teeth, even as pickles dangle from between them. He waits for Cole’s command to bite the man. It’s almost like he’s smiling, ready to get back at this jerk.
“And your red brand marks you a murderer,” Cole says.
“Which I am,” the man replies, squinting. “You’re next if you don’t back off.” Bruno intervenes, restraining Cole before he can make a move we might regret. Zeus growls deep in his chest like he does before assaulting someone. He snarls, the hair on his back puffing up, and he’s about to jump when—
“Zeus, halt!” Cole shouts.
Zeus raises a paw, but Cole chides him again, so Zeus slowly sits, his hair remaining on end. His chocolate eyes flash with anger, and his huge lips quiver.
“He’s mine,” Cole murmurs, cracking his knuckles, his face matching the color of the man’s brand.
“Don’t do it, man,” Bruno warns, still gripping Cole’s arm, preventing him from moving toward the guy now leering at him. “He’s not worth it.”
“Bruno. Let. Go.”
“Not until you calm your ass down.” He turns to face Cole and push him backward. “You’re better than him.”
“Doubt that,” the man says.
From behind the others, Owen’s mouth hangs open, and his face turns pale, even as my mom holds him. He curls inward and begins silently mouthing something I don’t understand. The singing only calmed him for a short time before the man’s angry voice caused him to shake again. Heat crawls up my cheeks as anger courses through me. Usually, I agree with Bruno, but this time, I won’t go down quietly. The man needs to know who gives orders here, and Owen needs to know he’s protected.
The juice from the pickles is stinking up the room, making the whole place smell sweet and spicy like old pickles, and my boots stick to the floor, making a crackling noise as I change positions. Giving up on the cleaning, I stand and tap on Cole’s shoulder. He knows exactly what I’m thinking. He relaxes.
“Alright. I’m fine,” he says. Bruno exhales, releasing his grip on Cole.
“Hey,” I say to the man. “For your information, I’m not a whore, but even if I was, you’d still be no better than me.” The crowd parts, and Genesis stands with her arms crossed over her chest. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she was smiling. I turn my attention back to the man who insulted me. “I’m a survivor like you, but I’m the bigger person. Because unlike you, I don’t judge a person by their brand.”
My mom pulls Owen’s head into her chest, sensing my next move. For not being connected for so long, she seems to catch on pretty quick.
I strike so fast, he never saw me coming. My fist connects with his nose, and the cartilage crunches under the force of the punch. Blood bursts forth, and he grabs at his face, his eyes watering. He yells in pain. Grabbing the back of his head, I bring my knee into his stomach, and he doubles over. I quickly kick him to the ground. He raises his hands in surrender.
“Who’s next?” I yell.
There’s only resounding silence.
The others make faces of approval and go back to what they were doing before the interruption, like it’s no big deal to watch their own people fight amongst themselves.
“Dang, girl,” Bruno says. “And I thought Cole was the one I had to control.”
Genesis laughs.
“Did you find that amusing?” I ask. She sits on the uneven table and gives me a hard smile. Her hair’s down, the long strands of blond resting over her shoulders like a wave of gold. I notice she’s added a streak of green in the front, but I say nothing. I’m still too angry.
“You fit right in with my group,” she says.
“We’re nothing alike.”
“You’ve killed before, and you’ll do it again. We all have, otherwise we wouldn’t be here,” she says firmly. “In any case, Wilson kills more people than either of us ever will. He’s the enemy. Not me. Not them.” She gestures toward her people. “I’m on your side. Don’t forget that.”
I plant my hands on my hips. “Are we though? Because so far all we’ve done is look for food. We’re not searching for answers, and we certainly don’t have enough weapons to protect ourselves. Where’s your plan, Genesis? Or is it that you don’t have one, and you’re leading us to believe you do? The longer we sit on our butts, the higher the chance Wilson’s going to kill Sutton. And more and more people are going to die from whatever’s going around.”
I pause to glare at her. “Do you know what I think?” I say carefully, crossing my arms. “I think you’re trying to play me for a fool. I’m not your hostage, and so help you God if you try to turn me in. Because my friends won’t hesitate. They’ll kill you and your group. You’ll gain nothing but a spot in the burning stack of dead bodies.”
Genesis stands, her lips sealed together, forming a white line. To my surprise, all she does is beckon me into another room. Curious, I follow.
Once we’re inside, she closes the door.
“You ignorant girl, you’ve got it all wrong,” she growls. “If I wanted to turn you in I would have done so already. Like I told you before, I want to know what’s killing my people! I want revenge, nothing more, nothing less.”