by S. M. West
I nod, somewhat comforted by her admission if not buoyed with hope. We still had a lot to talk about.
“I’m here to listen, but before you get started, I’m sorry about asking you to move in.” I inch forward on the cushion, eager to ensure she understands. “Yes, I still want that, but it doesn’t have to happen right now. It doesn’t have to happen at all.”
The words aren’t easy to say, but Pru isn’t ready to live together. She fidgets in her chair, legs crossed and then straightened, but she remains silent, perhaps sensing I’m not done.
“And I just want you to know, I don’t want to pressure you or cause you any kind of stress. This isn’t an all-or-nothing situation.” I’m now on my feet, stepping toward her, where I crouch on my haunches and take her hands in mine. “We aren’t all-or-nothing.”
We stare at each other, and her expression is sad, almost pitying, and it serves to only intensify this insatiable hunger for her. My dire need is to get past this bullshit and have things the way they used to be.
She removes her hands from mine, pushing back into the chair, clearly wanting distance, and I oblige, sliding back into the chair I just vacated.
“I don’t want to move in with you…it isn’t even about you.” Her fingers interlace and fold over as if in prayer, and her gaze is downcast, staring intently at where her hands are locked.
Finally, she looks at me, and there’s so much going on in her gaze. “I don’t want to move in with anyone. I’ve been alone for most of my life, even when I lived with my mother, and that’s what I’m used to. I feel more comfortable by myself.”
Her eyes plead for understanding, and I force a nod despite how lost and confused I am. What about Los Angeles? We were one, all three of us, and she was happy.
“And that’s where the thought of moving in with someone…it wouldn’t work.” She smiles ruefully, shaking her head. “I lived with Harley in college, and it was great. I actually liked it, but that was different, and it was only for a few years.” She pauses, staring at me earnestly. “Is any of this making sense?”
Again, a curt, mechanical nod and she continues, “And while the topic of moving in together seems like it set off this separation between us this past week, there’s a lot more going on than that.”
“What do you mean?” My heartbeat roars like thunder in my ears.
Her voice is strained, and it could be fatigue or the topic of the conversation. “I’ve got some news. Like I told you, I’ve been looking for a job and applied to positions, both in the US and abroad. I was offered a COO position for a start-up company in Madrid.”
“Madrid?” My chest spasms, and a slow-burning disbelief festers under my calm veneer. Why would she do this? “You applied for jobs outside of New York?”
“Yes.” Her no-nonsense response, as if I’m crazy to ask, makes me angry.
“Are you going to take it?” My stomach pitches with dread.
“Yes.” There’s that stupid word again.
Never have I hated the three-letter word of consent more. Usually positive and limitless, now it’s a blow to my mind and heart. A destroyer of dreams.
Perhaps sensing my displeasure or needing to explain herself more, she opens her mouth.
Yes, please, Pru, make me fucking understand why you’d do this? Seek a job halfway around the world. Away from me.
“It’s a great opportunity for me.” She’s proud and sits up straight while I shrink. “It’s a good chance to start new, and as much as I love Manhattan, and Harley is here…”
She extends her hand, palm up, toward me, but offers nothing I wish to hear…the words I need to hear. That I’m here and so is Crystal.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were looking for work outside of the US? Outside of the city?” I’m doing a crappy job at hiding the hurt and simmering anger in my voice.
Her eyes widen. “Well, you knew about the problems with Whitney and Ross…well, they’re fixing things. They paid me a visit and apologized.”
“That’s great,” I say, relieved to hear that nightmare is settled or will be soon. But it still doesn’t explain things. In fact, this is more reason for her to stay, since the Carmichaels are no longer in her way.
“But when I started looking, I didn’t know when or if it would be resolved. And then I didn’t think it was worth saying anything unless something came of it. What was the point?”
Is she serious?
Licking my now dry lips, I tamp down my burgeoning emotions. “I see. And what does that mean for us?”
The question is rhetorical. A pathetic joke. There’s only one answer, but I want to hear how she sees things.
“We always had an expiration date.” Her words kick me in the nuts, and my eyebrows hit my hairline in surprise.
“We did? Because that’s news to me.”
“Eli. We both knew what this was and wasn’t. Even when you asked me to move in with you. That wasn’t what we agreed to.”
“Pru, relationships evolve. Ours evolved.”
“We were nowhere near moving in together.” She’s defensive.
“Did you or did you not feel something growing between us? When we were together in Malibu. Did you not feel it?”
“That’s beside the point. It has nothing to do with this.”
“It has everything to do with this. We’re good together. Every moment we’ve been together has taken us closer to each other, to the life and home we could have.”
She closes her eyes, head shaking back and forth. No matter how I say the words, lobbing them gently or throwing them with all my might, she isn’t willing to take any of them in.
It’s deliberate. It’s defiant.
“Eli. We were never going to be more.”
My arms cross my chest and I stand, looking down at her, and it’s a shit move. I’m not trying to be intimidating, but I’m pissed. I turn, striding across the room and clenching my jaw.
“What were we then if we were never to be more?”
“We were dating and having fun. I told you I didn’t do serious.”
“Or is it that you refuse to do serious?” Across the room, I narrow my gaze at her, equally upset with both of us for letting things come to this.
“It seems to me, Pru, our relationship took a natural progression. When two people start something, no one knows where it’ll lead, if anywhere at all. That’s the leap you take when you’re looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with.”
“And that’s it. I wasn’t looking for a life partner. A husband.” She’s now on her feet, and the fury in her eyes almost causes me to back off. “That’s what you wanted.” She hurls the word like an accusation or punishment. “Not what I wanted. I was upfront with you from the beginning.”
As if she’s slapped me across the face, my cheek stings and my jaw aches. “You may not have said it in so many words, but I thought you wanted the same.”
“And that’s where you were wrong.”
“So I was the only one in this?”
“What do you mean?”
“I was the only one in this relationship that hoped for more. That saw a future. Is that what you’re telling me?”
Her arms curl around her middle. “Eli, I care about you. A lot. And Crystal. I’m going to miss you both, but this is the end.”
“I never took you for a coward.”
“What?” A flash of anger darkens her features, and a frown sets on her brow. “I’m not a coward.” She juts out her chin and squares her shoulders, cheeks reddening more by the second.
“Yes, you are. You can lie to yourself all you want. Tell yourself we were only casual, but I was there. I was there when you told me about your mother and your life, living all over the world. And when I told you about Crystal’s mother, my hopes for my child. When we talked late into the night about music, your search for your father, hummingbirds.”
My voice cracks and fists curl, not liking this any more than she does. But she needs to hear this, face he
r fears.
“I was there when you put my daughter to bed, read her stories, painted her nails. I was there for all that and more. I didn’t imagine those things. And. You. Were. There. Too. Right beside me.”
Her frown morphs into a scowl, and she can’t look me in the eye. Her actions—or more like inaction or avoidance—only fuel me further.
“You’re the one choosing not to see or accept what’s right in front of you. You’re scared of us and of the amazing life we could have. A home and family. But no, you’d rather run from what you want.”
She opens her mouth, and I wait, wanting her words even if only to refute me, but she slams it shut.
“Yes. You can tell yourself you don’t want a serious relationship. A partner. A family—but you do. You say that isn’t you, but I see you.” My hand beats against my chest and voice wavers, incensed and desperate to get through to her. To get past her fear.
Pru stands there, shaking her head so violently it might come right off her neck. And I don’t want to give up, but I’m not sure I’m getting through.
She’s had years of denial. Years of fear. The fear of wanting something she might never have. The fear of committing to something that takes work and at times will hurt.
“You want a family. You’d be an amazing mother, a fantastic partner, but you’re too scared to go for it. You’d rather turn your back on me. On Crystal. On us.” My heart flips and sputters at the harsh reality, the words wounding both of us and causing a near crippling pain to cleave apart my chest.
Now standing still, she shifts from one foot to the other as if not only itching to escape me but her own body. And then she looks at me, and I wince. Her gaze is a mix of denial and sorrow. Her mouth is a grim, thin line.
Nothing I said got through.
Nothing.
“I don’t know the first thing about family. I can’t be a mother to Crystal. I’ll ruin that girl. She’s sweet and kind and so loving. I’ll destroy all that.”
“No, you won’t.” I soften my voice and take a few steps closer. “She adores you. You’ll make mistakes. Heck, I’ve made too many to count, but that’s part of life and parenting. We don’t always get it right, but we do our best and love her with all we have.”
She’s still shaking, violently rejecting every word out of my mouth. “No. I’ll mess things up, and I can’t understand why you’d want that in your life when I don’t even know what it is I’m supposed to be.”
Pru hits at her chest, and I bridge the gap in one large stride. My hand curls around hers, stopping the beating to her body, and I draw her in. Thankfully, she doesn’t fight me as she rests the back of her head on my chest, her back to my front.
“You aren’t supposed to be anything. Just you, that’s it. I’m not expecting anything from you.” My lips brush the shell of her ear, words tender and true. “I’m not expecting you to change. I love you for who you are. I love you for how you’ve opened your arms to my daughter. You’ve come into our lives and made them better, fuller, brighter.”
“I can’t.” She wrestles her way out of my embrace, turning to face me. “I’m taking the job in Madrid. I’m leaving.”
“Yeah. You are.” In this moment, acceptance is a cold, dirty dagger to my heart, and like any hope I may have, it takes its last beat.
I grasp her face, making her look at me, and my thumb mingles with her damp tears. Slowly, watery blue irises stare up at me. Her lips tremble, and without words, it’s clear this hurts her as much as it does me.
It doesn’t have to be this way, but no matter how loud or how long I say it, she’s the one who has to see it, believe it.
I kiss her forehead. “I’ll do whatever you want. All I want is your happiness, and if that isn’t with me…” The words strangle me. I can’t say them, not believing we don’t belong together.
31
Pru
Running away
“You’re scared.”
“What?” I bristle, gritting my teeth and getting off Harley’s bed.
Her words are a little too close to Eli’s. He called me a coward. I’m not. The job in Madrid is a great opportunity. The best path forward for me. I am not a coward.
Am I?
“You’re fearless. It’s the one thing I admire the most about you.” She leaps off the mattress, walking with me to her kitchen. “And this isn’t you.”
There’s water in the kettle, and I hit the on button, needing another tea. Something warm and comforting to fill up the hollow ache in my chest.
The emptiness caused by me. After Eli left the penthouse, I jumped into a cab in my sweatshirt, shorts, and no makeup. I was a mess.
The poor doorman did a double take on my way out, perhaps worried that I have an emergency. The ride was a blur downtown and the next thing I knew, I was banging on Harley’s door in the middle of the night, crying like the world was ending.
And it is.
No words were needed. She held me close. The two of us curled up on her bed as she brushed back my hair, fingers soothing and words tender. We barely slept but hardly talked, and now she wants answers.
“You aren’t helping,” I snap at my best friend and cringe, instantly regretting it. She’s the only one always there for me.
“Fuck fear. That’s you, or at least that’s how I always thought of you until now.” She pulls two mugs from the cupboard.
She’s trying to rile me up, and I don’t like the sounds of this but can’t deny anything she’s saying.
I don’t give in to fear. It’s pointless and only robs you of endless possibilities. We only have one life so live it to the fullest.
But my actions are anything but fearless.
“You’re scared to death of a sweet girl who adores you and looks at you like you’re the mother she’s always wanted.” She drops a tea bag into each mug, and my stomach cartwheels, diving to my toes like it’s auditioning for Cirque du Soleil.
I can’t look at Harley. I’m going to be sick, and the thought of Crystal only makes it worse.
“And you’re terrified of her hot hunk of a dad, who happens to be killer on guitar, sinfully sexy on camera, and wildly talented in bed. Oh! And let’s not forget he’s crazy in love with you.”
“Shut up.” I roll my eyes so hard, trying to hide how much her words affect me, but it only hurts. Everything hurts.
Eli.
The anguish in his eyes and the solemn tone when he let me go—gave me what I wanted—nearly killed me.
I don’t know what I want. I should feel better with the decision made. I ended the relationship, and now I’m moving to Europe to start a new job. Better—yeah, right. I’m anything but better.
“Since you won’t explain to me why you broke up with Eli to run away to Madrid—”
I cut her off, leaning into her and glaring. “I’m not running away.”
The shrill whistle of the kettle causes me to jump and grimace, or maybe it’s how right she is and how angry and ashamed I am at myself.
Harley arches a dark brow in a challenging way, and I growl, whirling around to pour the hot water into our mugs.
“Prudence Marie Edwards, you’re scared to love them. Scared to be happy. Why?”
With my back still to her, I pause with my hands curled around the hot cups and hang my head.
“What if I hurt him?” My voice is a whisper, and I sense her leaning in, trying to catch my words. “Or what if I do something to screw up Crystal for life?”
She rubs at the middle of my back, and I swallow an ugly sob. Fear isn’t welcome, but it’s selfish and bitter, carving out a space within my chest to settle where my heart lies broken and torn.
Straightening my spine, I exhale and hand her a steaming cup, and she offers a consoling smile.
What if he hurts me?
It’s what I fear the most.
Most people I’ve loved have left me.
Disappointed me.
Guarding my heart is a full-time job. Exhausting and re
lentless, I’ve learned to keep it caged, never let it out. That’s the safest way to ensure no damage or carnage.
What if, in time, Eli no longer wants me? He’ll realizes I’m the worst person for Crystal and like everyone else, they’ll leave me.
Well, almost everyone else. Harley’s still here, although marrying Nash may prove to be the game changer. Only our friend time has the answers.
“Pru, you’re selling yourself short. Relationships aren’t easy, but anything worth having usually isn’t.” She leads the way into the living room, glancing over her shoulder every so often to look at me to make sure I’m still listening.
“We’re best friends, and we’ve hurt each other—unintentionally, but still it’s happened. But we’re stronger than ever and always will be. The same can be for you and Eli.”
We sit side by side on the couch, resting our mugs on the table. I glimpse one of her packed suitcases by the door. Shit, she’s leaving for London soon. I completely forgot.
“How’s Nash?”
Harley slides her arm around me, tracking my gaze to where her bag is. “He’s good. Tired.”
“He must miss you.”
She nods, pursing her lips and clearly not wanting to talk about her fiancé. Her person. Nash and Harley didn’t have an easy start albeit an interesting one, but they belong together. He adores her.
“When do you leave for London?”
They have been apart for far too long, and I’m glad she’s going to him.
“Monday, but I can change my flight. I’ll stick around a little longer if you need—”
“No. Go.”
“Okay. But I need you to hear me on this. I know you’ve had many disappointments where your mom is concerned. You love her, and she wasn’t there for you when you were a child and doesn’t know how to show you she loves you.”
I snort and roll my eyes. That’s an understatement. And I’m not even sure my mother is capable of love.
“And correct me if I am wrong, but you never liked any of that and don’t want to be like her, right?”