by Lizzy Ford
“Seriously?”
“Yeah.”
“So you’re a lost soul, too, like the rest of the lake and me.”
“Pretty much,” he replied.
She shivered at the memory of her interaction with a single soul. What was it like to have the duty to protect billions of them?
“Why did you choose today for me to learn about Wynn?” she whispered.
He was quiet for a moment before responding. “I didn’t realize things were bad enough between you and me that you’d trust the man who hurt you over someone trying to help you.”
“Now I don’t trust either of you.”
“I can recover. He can’t.”
She wasn’t going to admit out loud he was right. There was nothing Wynn could ever do to make things right. She’d always known there were deep, dangerous levels of potential with Gabriel, if he ever figured out whether he wanted her or not.
“I feel lost,” she murmured.
“You’re not.” He squeezed her. “Think of me as your anchor. Something you want badly to shove overboard.”
“You’re so not funny!” she said, unable to stop the laugh that slipped free.
“We have a similar sense of humor, I think.”
“You’re locked out of the underworld, herding lost souls into a lake and yet you’re here trying to win over the woman destined to be your mate by divine laws but who doesn’t trust you,” she summarized.
“Is it working?”
“You’ve taken the first step on a very long path. At this rate, I’ll be dead long before you succeed.”
“I’m one step ahead of where I was this morning.”
“You took that as encouragement, didn’t you?” She twisted to meet his gaze, frowning.
Gabriel smiled.
“Aren’t you worried?” she asked. “About the souls and your issues? I mean, why spend the day with me?”
“I’m where I need to be,” he replied simply.
She studied him. He was no longer the conflicted man she’d met on a beach a few days before. Was he still the reluctant mate that didn’t know what to do with her? She didn’t ask for fear of discovering he was going to stop playing his keep-away game and offer her an arrangement she couldn’t refuse. Deidre sighed and sank back into his arms.
“Did Andre figure anything out?” she asked in a level voice.
“We’re working on it.”
“You were bluffing? There was no option you were considering?” Anger fluttered through her.
“There is. But you were right to say what you did at the apartment. I need to respect you enough not to provide false hope. I can’t be half-assed about this. I have to look at a few more angles before I can determine if the option we found is feasible.” He spoke with thoughtfulness.
“I appreciate that,” she murmured. “You realize if you save me, you’ll have a much larger issue.”
“I’m listening.”
“You’ll have to court me like a normal person.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” he said in a husky tone.
Her heart quickened. Was he capable of being genuinely interested in her as more than a duty? She wasn’t willing to consider it, not when there was the issue of her pending demise between here and there.
“Gabriel, are the issues you’re having with the underworld and souls and whatever, are those issues my fault?” she asked.
“Not directly.”
“You said that before. What does it mean?”
“The deity you were in a past life started the chain of events that put us here by breaking laws from the time-before-time. The underworld cracked, and the demons came to claim the souls. Past-Deidre walked out and left me to clean up the mess, which I did poorly. I managed to get the demons out and repair the fissure. By that point, other things fell apart that I couldn’t fix. I was exiled here,” he explained. “I have to address the issues in my domain on the mortal world before I’ll be allowed to return and finish repairing the underworld.”
“That’s a yes,” she said, troubled. “I’m directly responsible for all of this.”
“You aren’t. Past-Deidre is.”
“Is there really a difference? I mean, I thought there was … is there?”
“Absolutely. You are two separate people. You look alike, but you couldn’t be more different.”
“Then why is a crap ton of her bad karma killing me?”
“Don’t look at it that way, sweetheart,” he said so gently she felt tears prick her eyes. “Some events seem connected but really aren’t. You were the victim of someone who couldn’t see what was right before him. Pretty much all of us made the same mistake when we first met you.”
“I guess it really doesn’t matter. The past is the past and I’m fucked either way,” she said. “Gabriel, if you can’t find an option to save me, will you swear to let me live out what I have left in peace?”
“You mean alone.”
“I mean happy, whether that’s alone or not.”
“Yes, Deidre. I promise you that.”
“Thank you,” she replied. “Did you really come here tonight to start trying to win me over?”
“I don’t know.” His response came after a lengthy pause.
“You sat with me for hours and don’t know why?” she asked, amused.
“I have no fucking clue what to do with you.”
“Good,” she said, satisfied beyond her expectations. “You confuse the hell out of me, too. Though of the two of us, I’m the one who can’t read minds, so it makes sense I’m clueless.”
“I’ve only read your mind once.”
“I know that how?”
The sea breeze seemed to pierce her skull and ruffle through her brain. She shuddered.
“That’s what it feels like when I read your mind,” he said.
“Weird. What did you see?”
“Most people don’t want to know,” he replied with a chuckle. “There are conscious thoughts that you’re aware of and subconscious ones that you’re not. Emotions, random sensations, memories, disjointed images. It’s like walking from reality into a dream and back again.”
“Can you make sense of it while you’re in there?”
“Only because of what I am.”
“Tell me what’s in my head,” she ordered. “I can’t sort through it.”
“It’s like someone dropped a stone in the lake. The impact was noticeable, but it’s the ripples that are tearing you apart.”
“Yeah,” she agreed.
“You’re in denial about Wynn. You’re in denial about dying. You’ve accepted the Immortals and even taken on the burden of wanting to right the wrongs of past-Deidre. You don’t want to die, but the idea of living terrifies you as well.”
She listened, dismayed but also interested in someone interpreting the insanity of her mind in a way she could grasp. She held her breath, suspecting what might come next.
“You feel the same way towards me that I do towards you.” There was laughter in Gabriel’s voice.
“Which is …”
“You’ll figure it out.”
“I’m guessing I confound you the same way you do me. One minute, telling me you don’t want anything to do with me beyond your duty and the next, sitting on the beach with me for hours because you’re worried I’ll find a tall building to dive off of,” she grumbled. “Am I right?”
“Close.”
“Then why …” she stopped.
“You’re not ready,” he said wisely. “I saw how much you don’t trust me, too. We have a long way to go.”
“And no time to get there,” she murmured. Something Darkyn told her returned to the forefront of her thoughts. He’d asked her if she’d take herself out of the equation before she hurt Gabriel. Katie was convinced Gabriel had managed to love past-Deidre; was he therefore in danger of falling for her? Before this talk, she didn’t think so. He was too cagey for her to understand what he felt.
Som
e small part of him cared enough to sit with her tonight. There was much more to Gabriel than what she saw. Darkyn saw it somehow, and Deidre suspected Gabriel’s here-gone approach to her was his way of hiding how much he did care.
Chapter Thirteen
“Will you tell me what the chances are for the option you’re looking at?” Deidre asked him, troubled.
Gabriel hugged her more tightly out of instinct. Her small body cradled in his arms, he wasn’t able to remember the last time he felt so relaxed. Or aware that what he did was mostly wrong. He didn’t have a solution to her tumor. He was endangering her life by giving her hope and risking his emotions by remaining with her. Fate’s lesson was a good one. Past-Death was beaten only by acting out of something other than duty.
He wanted to throw duty out the window when it came to his mate.
“Under ten percent,” he replied.
“Wow. How far under?”
He hesitated. “Closer to one percent.”
“That bad? And you’re a deity?”
“A baby one,” he said with a snort.
“Didn’t I leave you an instruction manual?”
“Fuck,” he muttered. “You would’ve burnt the place down on your way out the door if you could.”
She laughed. “I am so sorry for what I was, Gabriel.”
“No. You aren’t apologizing for her.”
“If I knew three years ago, I might not have trusted Wynn.”
“Deidre,” he said. “I can’t fix that. But I might be able to help you.”
She didn’t ask how. She either didn’t believe him or didn’t want to know. From what he’d read in her mind, it was both. His plan took Wynn, Andre, the oldest of the Healers he knew and his own magic, and the best he was able to come up with was given a one percent chance by Wynn, whose mind Gabriel stripped to the core to ensure the Immortal didn’t deceive him.
“Will you let me try?” he asked, heart pounding hard.
“I don’t know, Gabriel. I’m kinda tired of having my brain cut open. If you fail, I get a shitty quality of life my last few months. If I succeed, I get to …” she stopped herself.
“Deal with this Immortal bullshit?” he finished for her.
“Pretty much.”
“What if I made you a new deal?”
“Oh, god. Another attempt at an arrangement?”
“Relationship,” he corrected with a smile.
“What do I get this time? Your left arm, two teeth and the trench coat?”
“No way in hell on the trench coat.”
She gasped. His arms tightened around her as she tried to squirm away. Gabriel hugged her tight, entertained and enjoying the feel of her in his arms.
“Easy,” he murmured. “I’m joking.”
She growled but settled, her head dropping back against his shoulder. His eyes went to her shapely legs. The knit dress she wore fell to mid-thigh when she was standing. With her knees pulled closer to her chest to guard against the sea breeze, the dress crumbled to the creases of her thighs and hip. A little higher, and he’d be able to tell what color underwear she wore.
Obliviously unaware that half his thoughts this afternoon and evening were on her naked, Deidre melted into his arms the moment he touched her. Her vulnerability shimmered around her in a way that left him unable to leave her alone, until he was certain the worst was over. The last part of her world shattered with Wynn’s confession. She was mentally tough but fatigued by the events that occurred since they inadvertently met on a night similar to this one. He was enjoying the sensation of her in his arms as much as he was there to comfort her.
“The deal,” he said, redirecting his thoughts. “Give this option we figured out a go. If it works, you define our relationship.”
“Not bad,” she allowed. “I notice that there’s only a one percent chance I get to make the decisions.”
“It was zero this morning,” he reminded her. “Positive steps.”
“Gabriel …” There was too much pain in her voice. “Maybe you should just take this thing out of my head and be done with me. Start over with someone who doesn’t look like your ex. The woman you were kissing was gorgeous.”
He grunted.
“I’m gonna have to train you, aren’t I?” she said and elbowed him. “When a woman says something like that, she’s waiting for you to fill in the details.”
“So it’s like a question, but the complete opposite,” he replied.
“Yep.”
“Her name is Harmony. Yes, I was sleeping with her before we met. No, I’m not anymore,” he said, thoughts growing dark. “She betrayed me to the demons. Another of my issues.”
“Oh. How do people mess with you? I mean, me, I’m tiny and blonde. But you’re … kinda scary, Gabriel, even if you weren’t Death.”
“One of life’s growing pains. Trusting people you shouldn’t.”
“Can I trust you?” Her question was hushed.
“I haven’t killed you, have I?”
“Your standards are low.”
“You can trust me. I’m flawed, but I will do my best.”
Deidre was quiet. It was not a good silence. He resisted the instinct that told him he needed to peek into her thoughts. She was thinking, which was good. She hadn’t rejected him, and he already glimpsed what issues he was going to have to overcome.
Assuming he was able to do what he and Andre planned. The alternative was that they killed her when they retrieved the soul in her head. The idea infuriated him. He wasn’t about to murder this Deidre to fetch the soul of past-Deidre. No, his predecessor wasn’t going to win this round.
Andre had another idea, one that might increase the chances of success, based on ancient myths from the time-before-time. When they left Deidre’s apartment, Andre was headed to ask his half-brother, Tamer, for help researching histories for more information. Gabriel wasn’t getting his hopes up, let alone encouraging hers.
“Deidre, will you do it?” he asked again.
“One percent is a death sentence,” she replied.
“I won’t let you go through it, if I don’t think it’ll work. What would it take for you to trust me enough to take a chance?”
She was pensive again. Gabriel suspected there was nothing on the planet that might make her interested in an option that currently stood at failure rate of ninety nine percent. But he waited for her response.
“If I did, and if it worked …” she started, paused, then continued. “Gabriel, what would eternity be like? I mean for us.”
He was silent, uncertain how to answer.
“I don’t know how you offer me nothing one minute then let me decide the next,” she added, frustrated. “Meanwhile, I’m dying and my world keeps crashing. Tell me something. Please. Give me some reason why one percent and an eternity with you beats out the alternative. Convince me you aren’t telling me we can have a real relationship just so I go through with this procedure you want to try.”
He heard the edge of desperation in her voice. As with the underworld, he’d tried to act in a way he thought was best since meeting her. Wynn’s information – pleasure kills – was still an issue. Meanwhile, Wynn’s level of Ancient magic made him almost untraceable. He was able to bypass Gabriel’s death-dealers too easily during his frequent trips to the lake. If he chose to disappear, the plan wasn’t going to work. If Tamer didn’t find the tidbit of history from the time-before-time about forced soul extraction, the plan was never going to have more than a five percent chance of working, even with Wynn.
Gabriel didn’t have time, and Wynn’s assessment that Deidre was starting to deteriorate made Gabriel afraid to give her more than he already had this night. He’d come close to saying too much since arriving at the beach. At the sound of her despair, he wanted nothing more than to reassure her that she was everything he needed – everything he wanted – in the mate he planned to spend eternity with. Beautiful, brave, funny, sweet. The gods couldn’t have molded a more perfect woman.
They had a journey to make together before they were in a functional relationship, but they’d never have that chance, if he didn’t find a way to buy them all time.
He couldn’t risk it. He couldn’t risk her. He’d been trying to walk that fine line all night. He was left feeling dirty, like he was leading her on with enough encouragement to keep her from taking matters into her own hands but not so much that her tumor grew.
“Okay then,” she whispered. “Never mind. Just … hold me.”
Doing the right thing was painful. Gabriel held his tongue. Their connection was strong, its calming affect on her the only comfort he was able to offer.
“Who’s soul is in my head?” she asked.
“We don’t know,” he lied. “Probably an anomaly.”
“Does that happen often?”
“Not that I know of.”
“It’s kinda weird, isn’t it? To have someone else’s soul in your head?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want me to take the one percent chance?”
“I do,” he replied as evenly as he was able to. “One percent now is better than zero percent in three months.”
“Ugh.”
He waited. She was deliberating silently. At last, she sighed.
“I want to live,” she said, sounding unconvinced. “I think. The idea of this being my new reality terrifies me. Even if … even if you don’t want me, I want that chance. I guess if the operation fails, I’ll die anyway, right?”
You have no idea how much I want you. Aloud, he replied, “Instantly. No pain, no comatose state.”
“Never thought I’d consider that good news.”
Secretly relieved, Gabriel drew a deep breath. He needed her agreement to try, even if they weren’t ready yet. He’d figure something out. He just needed to find the right combination of factors that would allow him to withdraw the soul from her head without killing her. If that meant he took Wynn with him everywhere from here on out to ensure the Immortal didn’t disappear, he’d do it.
If it meant he went to Darkyn and made a deal as a final alternative, he’d do that, too.
“Maybe we can adopt an angel,” she added. “Toby said they need homes. So bizarre.”