There was a touch of irony there—as I faced a master liar who now apparently regarded my withholding of the truth as deepest treachery. It made me want to bring up certain tangled moments in our recent pasts.
Instead, I kissed him. “I’m sorry, Jason. I’m going to tell them. I’ve been thinking about it and you’re right. As much as I have mixed feelings, it’s not fair to keep them in the dark any longer. I’ll tell soon. I promise.”
He nodded, touched his forehead to mine, letting out a breath.
“What about you?” I murmured.
Kage shoved open the door and Jason pulled away.
Instead of getting out of bed for Kage to be in the middle, Jason climbed over me and I traded for the warm place he’d left. There was not enough space in the bed for three adults, two of them tall, broad-shouldered adults, but they never seemed to notice trivial details like this.
Kage shut the door and joined us after pausing in the doorway to listen. I could only hear a faint murmur of voices from downstairs. He could probably make out words.
“We were talking about you,” I said as he pulled up the duvet. “I’m glad we’re back together after everything. And we can get out of the city tomorrow and breathe.”
This failed to cheer him. Kage lay on his side as Jason had, watching my lips, his textured hazel eyes glum, his chiseled face haggard beyond his years, unshaven, still withdrawn.
I wrapped my arm around his back to embrace him, head tucked against his chest. “We’re all right, Kage…”
“Should’ve been talking about him,” Kage muttered.
“Who?”
“Jay. He tell you why he won’t change?”
Ah, here was the next problem then…
“What do you mean?” I pulled back to see his eyes and look around at Jason.
“Won’t change,” Kage repeated. “You tell her.”
“I’m all right, Sparky.” Jason spoke so quietly it was as if he didn’t want us to notice he was there. “It will take a little time, that’s all.”
“Right as a black Moon,” Kage snapped.
“Why should he change?” I asked. “His body went through so much strain, why not give himself a break for as long as he can?”
“He’s chewed up inside,” Kage said. “Came to rest not feeling right, didn’t he? Now he’s hurting and a change could sort him but he won’t try.”
Wishing they were on one side or the other, I shifted again to see Jason. “You still don’t feel better?”
“Mostly. I’m fine.” He wouldn’t look at me.
“And you don’t think changing would help?”
He gave a little shrug as well as he could lying down.
“It would help.” Kage sounded even angrier, voice louder.
I found his hand to squeeze. “Kage, it’s all right for him to be uncomfortable. I don’t blame him if he doesn’t want to change for a while. Is this why you’ve been arguing lately?”
Neither answered.
I rolled over completely to face Jason. “What’s going on? You’re still in pain? In your abdomen?”
“Comes and goes.” Jason focused his attention on the white strap of my tank top.
“And his joints, and headaches,” Kage started.
I reached back behind my own ear to find his face and push my fingers through his hair as far as my hand would comfortably go. He stopped.
“If we’re going to experiment with your health we should do it while we’re still in the city,” I said. “It doesn’t sound like it’s working not to change. How do you feel about trying it?”
He didn’t answer.
“Jay? You have to change again at some point. It’s like getting back behind the wheel after a traffic accident.” I brought my hand forward to touch his face instead. “I wish I could change. Finish healing my arm, get around the Highlands quicker. But I can’t. You can. I don’t know if you should or not, but it’s been almost a week, hasn’t it? Maybe Kage is right. If you put something like this off it only builds up. It gets worse and worse in your mind… What do you think?”
Still silent.
When Kage chipped in this time, he sounded very different: quiet, worried, almost pleading—at last like what he felt rather than how he redirected. “You can change now and stay in fur all night. Perfect time for it and have a break. No back and forth. Or even all day. Give it twenty-four hours. Ride in the caravan tomorrow. You’ll be able to get out—Highlands? Quiet places? We’ll want one or two in fur. Andrew hates doing that bit anyway—makes him have to shut his gob for too long. You’ve got to change, princess.”
I rested my fingers on Jason’s jaw, stroking my thumb across his cheekbone. “I’m sorry, Jay. It sounds scary to me also. After everything. But don’t you think he’s right? You could sleep in fur and give your body a long chance to recover. Or spend the day in fur. Or both. I wish you’d change while we’re still here, though. Tonight or in the morning, so we can make sure you feel okay before we’re on the road.”
After a pause, Kage started to speak. I turned once more and kissed him to stop him.
“Let him think about it. He doesn’t have to change right this second. Nothing wrong with how he feels. I’d be apprehensive too.”
Kage let out a breath and said nothing. He gradually slipped his arm around my back as I pressed into him.
Jason didn’t turn out the lamp, which gave me hope he was at least considering changing. Was Kage even right? Would it help him to change, or could it potentially harm him? What would we do if it did?
This, in turn, reminded me I was supposed to be clearing my mind, meditating, preparing for lucid dreaming. As if.
I couldn’t have stopped my racing mind if my life depended on it. And maybe it did.
First Jason and post-trauma, then Kage and all he was dealing with and not talking about, bringing me back to Zar and his brothers.
“Su luposilauma ventaa rinn ductu,” Kage said.
“What?”
“It means the pack hunts on instinct. Roughly. You did well today, finding those witches and figuring out where we should be.”
“We don’t know that. But I hope so. I wish we could find faie. Surely they know more by now about what’s happening to them, and they know we want to help. If they remember who we are.”
“Can’t focus on them when we’re so close to these casters.”
“No, not focus. Trying to find everyone at once.” Like looking after a whole pack at once. Which meant someone was always neglected. “Kage? Want to learn to lucid dream with me? Not really magic, but it’s useful and it’s a good practice for any aspiring caster.” I moved back to look at him.
“Don’t know… What do we have to do?”
“You can incorporate practice for better lucid dreaming into your daily routine, and each night. But don’t worry about that. I’ll lead you on a meditation, offer guidance, and we’ll both fall asleep. You may or may not lucid dream your first time trying, but no worries either way.”
He nodded. “Just means being aware that you’re dreaming, right?”
“And that you can guide your own dream. A practiced lucid dreamer can do anything in their dreams, seek answers, travel to new places, fly, turn into a dragon. We can even visit with people who are no longer with us in this life. I’m going to use mine to look for faie. Most people have lucid dreamed at least a tiny bit, whether they know it or not. Have you ever had that moment in a dream, usually right before you wake up, when you know you’re dreaming? Maybe in a scary dream, like you’re falling, and you force yourself to wake up before you hit the ground? That’s lucid dreaming. Doing it with intention can have practical applications, connect us to other realities or other spirits, but even a hint of it can be interesting.”
Kage gave another small nod. He’d been watching my lips as I talked, then eased in to kiss me. He was so gentle I hardly felt the stubble on his face.
“You all right?” I asked, moving my hand again to touch his face.
He kissed my palm and left his lips there, breathing against my skin. “Just being friendly…”
I opened my mouth and … laughed. A quick breath and I hugged him with one arm, faces together while Kage also smiled.
“Jay?” I said. “Want to try it? Follow the meditation?”
But Jason sat up. “I … I think I’ll change…”
“All right. That would be great.” I reached to squeeze his hand. “You’ll be fine. But if you do still feel bad after the change let us know. We’ll figure it out.”
Jason nodded, taking a breath. He pressed his fingers into his black hair, hand coming to rest with his palm against his forehead, eyes shut.
Kage pushed up on a hand to lean over me and touch his head to Jason’s. He murmured something in Lucannis and Jason gave another nod. I think he was saying not to be scared, or it was all right to be scared.
Jason kissed him, then abruptly climbed from bed. He paced a couple times, flexing his muscles by clenching and unclenching his fists.
Kage watched but I turned away as Jason stripped off his shorts and stood like one getting ready to attempt his first skydive.
I pressed a finger to Kage’s lips, drawing his attention. “What’s the word for dream in Lucannis?”
“Nium.” He kissed my finger.
“And dreamer?”
“Unium. Which is the same singular or plural.”
“You have good instincts that you hunt by also. If you find yourself in a lucid dream, what will you look for?”
“You.”
I smiled. “What do you mean? I’m right here.”
“But you can’t … remember … or whatever it is.” He frowned.
“I’m still not following.”
“I want to know who’s doing this. To stop them. Right? And you … you already know. That’s what you said. You know the answers. Only, if you can’t exactly remember or put your finger on it in the waking world… Right?” he repeated, frowning more, as if confused that he was having to explain this to me.
“So you’ll look for me in a dream state to ask a dream me? I get it. That’s brilliant, Kage. Maybe I’ll look for my subconscious self also.”
When Jason changed, I still didn’t want to see. Kage sat up, again leaning over me. I turned. Jason stood by the foot of the bed on my side of it, below the cracked open window and soft sounds of rain and traffic.
He panted. They always seemed hot with the change, or maybe it was only pain.
He didn’t shake himself or move about, but stood in a tense, drawn up position as if braced against a storm. His jet black coat made him look like so much negative space in the small room, his expression hard to read.
We didn’t say anything at first, Kage watching and me wanting to leave him alone, yet growing concerned as he looked so uncomfortable. Instead of mending whatever damage remained, had he done himself a new injury after all?
I held my hand down at the side of the bed, inviting him over, still quiet.
Jason caught his breath, then seemed to be holding it. He remained stiff, four limbs braced.
Scared, I slid over to the edge, propping up on an elbow. “Jason? What is it? Do you feel worse?”
He blinked and took a few cautious steps to reach my hand with his muzzle. I stroked his head. He had the softest, silkiest coat in my pack, glossy and clean, unlike the last time I’d seen him in fur—when it had been matted in blood. A few areas had been clipped short by the mage who had experimented on him, reminding me that Kage’s coat would remain shaved down for some time to come in that form. Otherwise, two missing toes on his right forepaw, severed tips of his ears, and clipped whiskers all bore witness to what he’d been through.
And this pain? Something wrong inside that changing would not heal?
“Jay?” While Kage watched at my back I leaned out more to take Jason’s face in my hands, fingers buried in the longer fur behind his cheeks where his ruff started. “You did it. You look good. What’s wrong? You’ll have to show us what’s still hurting.”
His bright golden eyes wavered. He licked my wrist and, at last, wagged his tail a little bit.
“What’d you reckon, princess?” Kage said quietly.
Jason wagged more, pushing his muzzle in against my chin while I stroked his head, ears flat. I could actually see him relaxing, getting the impression he needed this reassurance as a confidence boost.
I kissed between his eyes, stroking his head over and over. “Do you feel better? You have to let us know that too.”
Goddess, please let him be okay. Please, feel better, Jason.
He finally moved around, limping on the right forepaw as he struggled with half his toes, sniffing at the shelves and floor with a new nose.
Kage and I waited tensely, watching. It was the first time Kage had seen his ears.
After a minute of Jason sniffing along the window sill and hobbling on his bad paw, Kage couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Jay?” His tone was sharp again. “What’s wrong?”
Jason sprang onto the bed, startling me as he trampled my legs to bound at Kage. Suddenly lashing his tail, he licked Kage’s face and hands, climbed his forepaws onto Kage’s shoulders, then just as quickly spun, crushing my shins, and leapt back to the floor. He twirled, chasing his own tail, then threw himself at us again.
I was ready this time and dodged, drawing up my legs.
Tail spinning, Jason lavished Kage’s face with licks while Kage swore at him.
“Told you, you bloody daft sod. Don’t know what you were on about. Should’ve changed two days ago. Knew you’d feel better, Vinu stura—” He was cut off by Jason licking his mouth.
He turned licks and wags on me, mobbed my face, and bounded to the floor. He dashed around the bed to the door, back to the window, then jumped and clambered across the bed.
He wanted a good joy lap, of course, but couldn’t pull it off in the tiny bedroom the way the furred fox had. Traigh had been like a house cat flitting around in here. Jason was more like a tiger.
After a couple efforts and smashing both our legs, Kage scrambled from bed to open the door, telling him off.
“Run up and down the stairs.”
Jason only threw himself at him.
Kage ended up on his knees, arms around Jason, who came to rest with his head over Kage’s shoulder, their chests together, tail wagging slowly as he heaved deep breaths.
“Told you,” Kage repeated softly, his face in the black ruff. “Can’t let some Moon-cursed mage stop you. You’re safe now. Neä lumissum. Neä amaus Vinu.”
It was a while before he brought Jason back to bed. Jason stretched out between us like a missile on top of the duvet. I switched out the light and lay stroking his head.
I kissed his muzzle and shut my burning eyes, nose still against his fur. “I’m so glad you’re feeling better, Jay. You’re going to be okay now.”
He licked my nose, sighed.
Kage, his hand in Jason’s ruff, rhythmically rubbing his shoulders, said nothing as Jason also licked his nose.
We lay quietly for some minutes in the dark before I remembered to lead us in a meditation for lucid dreams, only after I’d said a silent prayer of thanks.
Chapter 12
Wind whipped into our faces, storm clouds raced into the valley, hail pelted, sun blazed and clouds flew east. The wind died, rain soaked jackets, jeans, motorcycle pants, and fur—in two cases. Sun returned while the rain still fell, until the afternoon morphed into a muggy, end-of-summer warmth that left green slopes steaming. That was all in the first hour after stopping at a lonely trailhead and setting out on foot—following a hectic morning and hours driving.
Isaac paused at my side on a rocky slope, looking into the valley—or glen—that we’d just climbed from. The narrow strip of loch blazed a sun reflection into our eyes while tree canopies covering the opposite slope, just touched with spots of autumn gold, steamed into the clear air. An osprey plummeted from the suddenly cloudl
ess sky straight for the gleaming surface, crashed into the water, but flew off again without a catch. Just visible on the western horizon, more ominous clouds were already moving in.
“Welcome to the Highlands.” Isaac ducked his head to kiss my ear, then returned his gaze to the landscape, his hand resting lightly on my back.
“Do you always prepare such a reception?” I couldn’t help a smile in return.
“She’s the best presenter I could possibly desire. No extra coordination needed. Four seasons in an hour, worlds of splendor in a day’s walk. Still looking for your favorite place?”
I laughed and stepped away. “You’re quite the saleswolf.”
It wasn’t the first time I’d eased away from Isaac lately. He’d had a tendency to possessiveness from the start that I hadn’t always seen. Now I couldn’t miss it. Nor did I have to wonder about the cause in recent intensifying of this behavior. Andrew had spelled it out to me in the airport in Portland, then Isaac had brought the point home in a hotel suite in London.
Isaac had decided in a flash that this unborn child was his. I could hardly blame him for the extra boost to his already proprietary touch with me. Only, we had no idea if he was correct, and the arrogance of his approach was making me uncomfortable. I didn’t mind if we were alone. It was while on display that what in private felt like cocky charm became embarrassingly pompous and disrespectful to the others.
Worse, though, it made me question all over again the wisdom of revealing the truth to the rest. I had to tell. I’d promised Jason. It might lift Zar’s spirits. Yet, what else might it start?
Kage had settled down, transformed today, in fact. Isaac loved showing us around without needing a map as we headed north for the coast. Kage hadn’t minded his driving, but ridden in the back of the Jeep all afternoon by Jason, who stayed in the far back while our bags were in the trailer. Nice time to drop a bombshell that could have everyone fighting again.
The she-wolf in Jason’s story: going back to check on her people. Not only plunge ahead. That was more than a friend to lean on. It was respect, which meant honesty.
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