They were in physics, and he was sitting diagonally behind Jaya. He kept his eyes focused steadily on the whiteboard on which Mr. Martinez was writing something illegible, but sometimes, without his permission, his gaze would drift over to her, lingering on her hair, her shoulders, the way she gripped her pen. Her posture gave nothing away. He had no idea how she was feeling, or even if she was feeling anything.
But he knew the answer to that. No, she wasn’t. If she felt even an iota of the pain he did, she would never have been able to do what she had. He was dispensable to her, just like he’d been to his father. There must be something inherently wrong with Grey’s makeup that made people react to him that way. Was it the curse? Or had he been born this way? Gripping the edges of his desk, Grey turned his eyes back to his book and stared unseeingly at its pages.
Jaya
Once the bell tinkled, signaling the end of class, Jaya watched Grey get up abruptly from his desk and cut his way through the crowd of students to the door, not looking back at her once. The entire class period, she’d held herself so stiffly, feeling his gaze on her skin as if it were his touch. She wanted so badly to turn to him, to take his hand, to place her ear against his chest and listen to the thudding of his heart. To ask him if his world, too, was soaked in tears and going up in flames.
She picked up her phone and looked at the email her father had sent her that morning. It was the copy of the engagement ceremony announcement that would run in the Mysuru papers that weekend.
Maharaja Adip Rao and Maharani Parvati Rao announce with pleasure the upcoming engagement of their eldest daughter, Rajkumari Jaya Rao, to the heir of the Hegde house, Kiran Hegde, son of Maharaja Dilip Hegde and Maharani Aruna Hegde. The engagement ceremony will take place at the Rao palace in June, on an auspicious date to be determined by the palace astrologer. There will be a grand feast for all the people in the districts governed by the Raos and the Hegdes. Arrangements for the propitious event will begin soon.
This was it; this was what she needed to do. Even though her world was on fire, Jaya felt an innate sense of calmness, that she was doing what her obligations and responsibilities dictated she must. This would show her people once more that the Raos were fit to govern them. This would save the Rao estate, one that had been managed so painstakingly, so lovingly, for many generations before her. This would ensure generations after hers would still know the joy of taking care of their beloved city. She would save her family, her dynasty, and her name in one fell swoop. She would make it right again.
Jaya got up slowly from her desk, putting her phone and her books back into her bag. She was at the beginning of a long, endless tunnel, with nowhere to go but forward.
Jaya
It was a Saturday in November, more than a week since she’d made the decision to get engaged to Kiran. They’d had a short conversation a few days ago, mostly about the semantics of it all and when her high school semester would be over exactly. This wasn’t a romantic move for either of them, and Jaya knew that. The cold practicality suited her new reality just fine.
It was now time to tell Isha about the engagement before the announcement ran tomorrow and their relatives began to reach out. Jaya finally felt able to talk about it to her sister, though she knew it wouldn’t be an easy conversation, in part because she was still so raw herself. She didn’t hold Isha responsible in any way for the engagement—this was simply something Jaya needed to do for the greater good, even if it meant hurting others she cared deeply about. Without her permission, Grey’s face flashed into her mind, as it did many dozens of times each day, and she pushed it away. She wondered if this pain would haunt her for the rest of her life, like a long-ago broken arm that still ached when you bumped it against something.
Jaya sat at a table in a sunlit corner of A-caf-demy Bistro with Isha. The café was too bright with light and color, and the baristas behind the industrial-style counters were smiling garish smiles that made Jaya want to squint.
“So, how are you, Ish?” she asked, forcing her mind to the task at hand. “I feel like we haven’t spent a lot of time together these past couple of weeks.”
Isha took a sip of her cappuccino and wiped her foam mustache away with the back of her hand. Jaya winced, but didn’t say anything. She didn’t quite have the energy. “I know! Life has been so crazy. But I’m loving St. Rosetta’s. I’ve made so many friends!”
“I’m glad you’re happy,” Jaya said, picking up her chai latte and taking a sip. “This is just what you needed. A change of pace.”
“Yeah.” Isha nodded heartily. “So, how’s Grey?”
Jaya felt such an exquisite ache rack her frame that, for a full moment, she couldn’t speak.
Isha frowned. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” Jaya managed to say. “I’m fine. Why are you asking me about… Grey?”
“Well, you said you were keeping an eye on him, right? And I’ve seen you guys walking to and from class together. Plus, you sit at his table and are friends with all his friends.” She paused, as if she were unsure. “I just meant… how’s all that going?”
Jaya took another sip of her chai latte. “It’s… I’ve decided to stop all of that. Because I have some very important news.”
Isha raised her eyebrows, expectant.
“Ish, I’ve decided to get engaged to Kiran Hegde.” Jaya realized her palms were damp, and wondered why she was so nervous.
Isha stared at her for a moment. “What?” She set her cappuccino down with a crash, some of the coffee slopping over the side and onto the table. “Now? But… but why?”
“It’s as good a time as any,” Jaya said, folding her paper napkin into smaller and smaller squares. She’d once read that you couldn’t fold a napkin more than eight times before the stress made further folds impossible. “The Raos allying with the Hegdes was always the plan.”
“Yes, but why now?” Isha said. “You’re not even done with high school!”
“Well, we won’t be getting engaged until the summer,” Jaya said. A barista came by to wipe down the table next to them and she waited until he was gone. “You know engagements happen with great pomp and circumstance in our part of the world; they take almost as much planning as weddings do. It’s not just a matter of Kiran getting down on one knee and asking the question. So we’re just announcing it now—getting the process started, as it were.” And getting people talking about something besides Isha.
“But, Jaya…”
Jaya waited.
“Why—why don’t you just wait a few more years? Or even, like, never?” Isha pinged her fingernail on her mug as she spoke.
There was no way she was going to tell Isha the truth about why she was hurrying. Her little sister didn’t need to know that the scandal had continued to grow, like a malevolent fire that gobbled up the oxygen in the air and refused to die. Besides, she didn’t want Isha to feel like any of this was her fault. It wasn’t. This was about duty.
Jaya shook her head. “I’m ready now,” she said. “I’ve already given Appa the okay. Amma’s made about twenty calls today, trying to coordinate things already.”
Isha took a thoughtful sip of her cappuccino. “You and Kiran.”
Jaya nodded. “Yes.”
“Kiran and Jaya Hegde.”
Jaya swallowed the lump in her throat. “Mm-hmm.”
“Jaya… are you happy with this decision?”
“I was the one who made this decision.” Jaya hoped Isha wouldn’t see the sidestep.
“But you and Kiran? Isn’t that like marrying your actuary or something? To be honest, I thought—” She stopped short and looked at Jaya, a little abashed.
“You thought what?” Jaya asked, curious.
“I thought that you and Grey were…” Isha shrugged.
Jaya looked away for a moment. “Well,” she said finally. “We’re not. Kiran and I have some commonalities that Grey and I don’t. This is what I must do as the heiress, Isha. It’s what’s best for the dynasty.
”
Isha sighed. “The rules are different for royals,” she said quietly, parroting a line Jaya had said to her many a time.
“That’s right.” Jaya put her hand on her sister’s. “They are. It’s the way our world is.” And they sat sipping their drinks, each of them feeling the weight of responsibility and expectation.
CHAPTER 15
Jaya
Later that evening, Jaya sat in an oversize papasan chair in Daphne Elizabeth’s room, reading one of the books Jaya had picked up at Bookingham Palace in a happier time. The winter wind gusted in the pines and aspens outside the window as she huddled deeper into the chair, willing herself to be lost in the war scene she was reading. Once again, books were proving to be a solace.
Daphne Elizabeth was, at the moment, trying on and discarding outfit after outfit at her closet. “Hey, you know, Grey’s going to Caterina’s yacht gala next weekend too,” she said. “I convinced him to.”
Jaya looked up reluctantly from the dueling dragons on the page. “Yes, Leo told me.” Daphne Elizabeth and Leo had tried every possible trick they knew to get Jaya to tell them what was happening. Jaya hadn’t asked, but she guessed Grey was being just as tight-lipped as she was.
She didn’t want to tell them about the engagement because she didn’t want it to get back to Grey. And she didn’t want to tell Grey because… because there was no point. What would be the benefit of torturing him with the details of why, exactly, she’d said they couldn’t be together? This way, maybe it would be more of a clean break for him. She’d stopped things before they became too serious and now Grey could move on. He might be angry with her, he might come to hate her with time, but he’d move on. She could deal with everything else.
Daphne Elizabeth turned to her, holding a glittery black skirt on a padded silk hanger. “Is there any chance you might want to… reconcile with him? Because I think he’d be open to it—”
“Daph, we’ve already talked about this.” Jaya tried to unhear her words. She didn’t want to know Grey was open to it. She needed to be steel, hard and strong and steadfast. She couldn’t afford to weaken. “Please.”
“I’m sorry,” Daph said, putting her skirt back in the closet and picking up a pink velvet top instead. “I just don’t get it.”
“It would never work.” Jaya picked at a loose thread on the papasan cushion. “We’re too different.”
“I know, and I know what a pain in the ass Grey can be, but seriously, Jaya, I’ve never seen either of you happier than when you were tog—”
Jaya held up a hand, her heart squeezing in pain. But taking a page from Grey’s book, she kept her face an impassive mask. “If you can’t stop talking about it, I’ll have to leave.”
Daph looked abashed. “I’m sorry. I know. I can stop, I promise.” Turning to her closet, she said, “I have literally nothing to wear,” and immediately contradicted her statement by pulling out yet another article of clothing, this time a dress.
“I think that one looks really nice.” Jaya gestured to the red-and-green gown in Daphne Elizabeth’s hands, feeling a rush of relief for the change in topic. “Is it Gucci?”
“Yes, but it’s totally wrong for this! I don’t want to look like a Christmas decoration at a twenties-themed charity event in November! Especially not one thrown by you-know-who.”
“Fair point.”
Caterina had slipped thick embossed invitations to a twenties-themed yacht gala under the doors of all the seniors just an hour before. Jaya couldn’t help but feel a little disquieted by it all. What game was she playing? Whatever it was, Jaya hadn’t been given a rulebook. To be honest, she wasn’t so sure Caterina would ever forgive her, even if Caterina should logically only be angry with Alaric and Daphne Elizabeth. Jaya had underestimated the consequences of rejecting her when she was vulnerable. Still, now that she and Grey were no longer speaking, Caterina would have no more ammunition, at least. The thought should’ve brought Jaya some relief, but it didn’t. “She still hasn’t texted you back, right?”
Daphne Elizabeth looked at her, distressed. “No, she hasn’t reached out to me at all! Apparently, she just wants to pretend the text never happened.”
“Hmm.” This was very unusual behavior for someone like Caterina. Very, very unusual.
“I’ve asked Alaric about it so many times,” Daph continued, “but he just keeps saying she doesn’t want to talk about it. He told me I should just forget about it and move on.”
Jaya knew she shouldn’t say anything. It wasn’t the diplomatic thing to do. But she felt a swell of irritation too powerful to ignore. “And you’re okay with that?” Closing her book, she set it aside. “Come on, Daph. Can’t you see what Alaric’s doing here?”
Daphne Elizabeth frowned. “No, what?”
Jaya threw up her hands. Was Daph really that dim? Or was she just choosing the coward’s way out, refusing to see what was right in front of her because it was easy? Because it got her what she wanted? It infuriated Jaya that she wouldn’t do the honorable thing. “He’s manipulating you! I haven’t been here that long, but even I know that Caterina wouldn’t just ignore a text like that. He’s obviously lying to you or her or very likely the both of you! You’re in such deep denial!”
“Denial?” Bright spots of red appeared on Daphne Elizabeth’s pale cheeks. “He’s shared so much of himself with me, Jaya. You obviously don’t understand.”
Jaya made a reflexive disgusted face before she could stop herself.
“What?” Daphne Elizabeth yelled. “What’s the face about?”
“He’s a gobshite, Daph!” Jaya couldn’t help but say. She hopped up from the chair and began to pace. “And there are more important things than just going after what you want and doing what makes you happy. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your happiness for someone else, for something else bigger than you! I don’t know how to get you to see that!”
Jaya stared at Daph for a long moment, blinking, not able to believe she’d really just yelled all of that at her friend.
“Maybe I don’t need you to get me to see that!” Daphne Elizabeth said, pale skin mottled a rage-red.
“Fine,” Jaya said, in more dignified tones, taking her book off the papasan chair. “I’m not here to be your moral compass, Daph.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t ask you to be,” Daphne Elizabeth shot back.
“I’d better be going.”
Jaya swished out of the room, not looking back once. It was true, sometimes people needed to make their own mistakes. But if Jaya were being honest with herself, she knew her near-constant burning, surging anger wasn’t really for Daph. In fact, there was no one in particular she was mad at. Just the entire world.
Jaya
The next weekend, Jaya was in her robe, about to begin her makeup regimen for Caterina’s party. The only reason she was going was because she thought she might be able to make a sizable donation to One World—a charity Caterina obviously felt strongly about—and therefore engender feelings of forgiveness. Although Caterina hadn’t done anything since the Skype incident involving Kiran, her ire felt like a hammer hanging above Jaya’s head, waiting to deliver a killing blow.
Her phone buzzed on her dresser, and she saw Kiran’s face pop up. He was trying to video-chat her. Feeling the heavy weight of her decision press down on her once more, Jaya answered the call and forced a polite smile. “Hello, Kiran.” They’d spoken only once since the future engagement was announced. She wondered why Kiran was calling now; he seemed about as interested in talking to her as she was in talking to him.
He inclined his head. “Jaya. You’ll be pleased to know the answer is a hundred and twelve.”
Jaya blinked. “I… beg your pardon?”
Kiran looked at her like he couldn’t believe she didn’t understand. “You remember our conversation via email a few days ago? I wanted the gardeners to plant the golden hibiscus shrubs to make a large entwined RH in the gardens for our engagement?”
“Oh ye
s,” Jaya said, the memory flickering to life. “The… our estate initials. Yes, of course.”
He seemed appeased that she remembered. “Well, it’ll take one hundred and twelve shrubs to achieve an RH of the size and scope I would like. But it’s well worth it, I think. I want people to experience the power of the Hegde dynasty as soon as they set foot on the grounds.”
Jaya honestly didn’t care. He could have two thousand shrubs and cover up the entire palace for all she cared. And yet she found herself saying, “But isn’t the engagement going to be at the Rao palace?”
Kiran studied her coolly. “Yes, but you’ll be a Hegde once we’re married.”
Jaya forced another smile. “Yes. Of course.”
Kiran continued to study her over the phone. “I had a nice conversation with your friend Caterina.”
Jaya stilled. They hadn’t really talked about Caterina or the Skype call at all since it had happened. “Oh, good,” she said carefully. “Caterina’s very charming.”
“Yes, she is. You know, it’s very important who we socialize with. The friendships we keep are a mirror of our values.”
Jaya found herself barely breathing. Why was he saying this? Did he know… something? Had Caterina somehow seen Grey and Jaya kiss that night Appa had called her? What if Kiran told Caterina about the upcoming engagement and she told Grey, just to get back at Jaya for not helping her with Daphne Elizabeth? What if Kiran pulled out of the engagement if he felt Jaya was a risk to the Hegde name?
“I agree,” Jaya heard herself saying quickly. “Completely.” She paused before adding, “You know, I haven’t told anyone here about the engagement. I thought it would be best to do that closer to the time. I don’t want people we hardly know feeling obliged to buy us presents or, worse, trying to finagle an invitation.” Jaya laughed an easy laugh.
Of Curses and Kisses Page 23