by John Scalzi
"Look, I'm not trying to make you feel bad or guilty or whatever," Enzo said, when I was done. "But I would like to see more of you."
"That statement can be interpreted in many different ways," I said.
"Let's start with the innocent ones," Enzo said. "But we can go from there if you want."
"And anyway, you see me every day," rewinding the conversation just a little. "And we always spend time together at the hootenannies."
"I don't count doing schoolwork together as time together," Enzo said. "And as much fun as it is to admire how you trained Hickory to imitate a sitar solo—"
"That's Dickory," I said. "Hickory does the drum sounds."
Enzo gently put a finger to my lips. "As much fun as it is," he repeated. "I'd rather have some time for just you and me." He kissed me, which was pretty effective punctuation.
"How about now?" I said, after the kiss.
"Can't," Enzo said. "On my way home to babysit Maria and Katherina so my parents can have dinner with friends."
"Waaah," I said. "Kiss me, tell me you want to spend time together, leave me hanging. Nice."
"But I have tomorrow afternoon free," Enzo said. "Maybe then. After you're done with your stabbing practice."
"We already did stabbing," I said. "Now we're on to strangulation."
Silence.
"Joke," I said.
"I only have your word for that," Enzo said.
"Cute." I kissed him again. "See you tomorrow."
The next day training went long. I skipped dinner to head to Enzo's parents' homestead. His mother said he'd waited around, and then headed over to Magdy's. We didn't talk to each other much the next day during school.
Evenings: study.
"We have reached an agreement with Jerry Bennett to allow you to use the information center in the evenings twice a week," Hickory said.
I suddenly felt sorry for Jerry Bennett, who I had heard was more than a little terrified of Hickory and Dickory, and probably would have agreed to anything they asked just so long as they left him alone. I made a mental note to invite Bennett to the next hootenanny. There's nothing to make an Obin look less threatening than to see one in front of a crowd, bobbing its neck back and forth and making like a tabla drum.
Hickory continued. "While you are there, you will study the Colonial Union files of other sentient species."
"Why do you want us to learn about them?" Gretchen asked.
"To know how to fight them," Hickory said. "And how to kill them."
"There are hundreds of species in the Conclave," I said. "Are we supposed to learn about each of them? That's going to take more than two nights a week."
"We will be focusing on species who are not members of the Conclave," Hickory said.
Gretchen and I looked at each other. "But they're not the ones planning to kill us," Gretchen said.
"There are many trying to kill you," Hickory said. "And some may be more motivated than others. For example, the Rraey. They recently lost a war with the Enesha, who took control of most of their colonies before they were themselves defeated by the Obin. The Rraey are no longer a direct threat to any established race or colony. But if they were to find you here, there is no doubt what they would do."
I shuddered. Gretchen noticed. "You okay?" she asked.
"I'm fine," I said, too quickly. "I've met the Rraey before." Gretchen looked at me strangely but didn't say anything after that.
"We have a list for you," Hickory said. "Jerry Bennett has already prepared the files you have access to for each species. Take special note of the physiology of each race. This will be important in our instruction."
"To learn how to fight them," I said.
"Yes," Hickory said. "And to learn how to kill them."
Three weeks into our studies I pulled up a race who were not on our list.
"Wow, they're scary-looking," Gretchen said, looking over my shoulder after she noticed I had been reading for a while.
"They're Consu," I said. "They're scary, period." I handed my PDA over to Gretchen. "They're the most advanced race we know about. They make us look like we're banging rocks together. And they're the ones who made the Obin what they are today."
"Genetically engineered them?" Gretchen asked. I nodded. "Well, maybe next time they can code for personality. What are you looking at them for?"
"I'm just curious," I said. "Hickory and Dickory have talked to me about them before. They're the closet thing the Obin have to a higher power."
"Their gods," Gretchen said.
I shrugged. "More like a kid with an ant farm," I said. "An ant farm and a magnifying glass."
"Sounds lovely," Gretchen said, and handed back the PDA. "Hope I never get to meet them. Unless they're on my side."
"They're not on a side," I said. "They're above."
"Above is a side," Gretchen said.
"Not our side," I said, and switched the PDA back to what I was supposed to be reading.
Late evening: everything else.
"Well, this is a surprise," I said to Enzo, who was sitting on my doorstep as I came back from another thrilling night at the information center. "I haven't seen you too much recently."
"You haven't seen much of anybody recently," Enzo said, standing up to greet me. "It's just you and Gretchen. And you've been avoiding me since we broke up the study group."
"I'm not avoiding you," I said.
"You haven't been going out of your way to look for me," Enzo said.
Well, he had me there.
"I don't blame you for it," I said, changing the subject a little. "It's not your fault Magdy threw that fit of his." After several weeks of increased sniping, things between Magdy and Gretchen finally reached toxic levels; the two of them had a shouting match in class and Magdy ended up saying some fairly not forgivable things and then stomping off, Enzo trailing behind. And that was the end of our little band.
"Yeah, it's all Magdy's fault," Enzo said. "Gretchen's poking at him until he snapped didn't have anything to do with it at all."
Already this conversation had gone twice to places I didn't want it to go, and the rational part of my brain was just telling me to let it go and change the subject. But then there was the not quite rational part, which was suddenly getting really annoyed. "So are you hanging out on my doorstep just to dump on my best friend, or is there some other reason you dropped by?"
Enzo opened his mouth to say something, and then just shook his head. "Forget it," he said, and started to walk off.
I blocked his path. "No," I said. "You came here for a reason. Tell me what it is."
"Why don't I see you anymore?" Enzo said.
"Is that what you came here to ask me?" I said.
"No," Enzo said. "It's not what I came here to say. But it's what I'm asking you now. It's been two weeks since Magdy and Gretchen did their thing, Zoë. It was between the two of them, but I've hardly seen you since then. If you're not actually avoiding me, you're faking it really well."
"If it was between Gretchen and Magdy, why did you leave when he did?" I said.
"He's my friend," Enzo said. "Someone had to calm him down. You know how he gets. You know I'm his heat sink. What kind of question is that?"
"I'm just saying it's not just between Magdy and Gretchen," I said. "It's between all of us. You and me and Gretchen and Magdy. When was the last time you did anything without Magdy?"
"I don't remember him being there when we spend time together," Enzo said.
"You know what I mean," I said. "You're always following him, keeping him from getting hit by someone or breaking his neck or doing something stupid."
"I'm not his puppy," Enzo said, and for that minute he actually got a little angry. Which was new.
I ignored it. "You're his friend," I said. "His best friend. And Gretchen is mine. And right now our best friends can't stand the sight of each other. And that leaks into us, Enzo. Let me ask you, right now, how do you feel about Gretchen? You don't like her very much,
do you?"
"We've had better days," Enzo said.
"Right. Because she and your best friend are at it. I feel the same way about Magdy. I guarantee you he feels the same way about me. And Gretchen isn't feeling very friendly to you. I want to spend time with you, Enzo, but most of the time, both of us are a package deal. We come with our best friends attached. And I don't want the drama right now."
"Because it's easier just not to bother," Enzo said.
"Because I'm tired, Enzo," I said, spitting out the words. "Okay? I'm tired. Every morning I wake up and I have to run or do strength exercises or something that tires me out right after I've gotten out of bed. I'm tired before the rest of you are even awake. Then school. Then an entire afternoon of getting physically beat up in order to learn how to defend myself, on the chance some aliens want to come down here and kill us all. Then I spend my evenings reading up on every single race out there, not because it's interesting, but just in case I need to murder one of them, I'll know where its soft spots are. I hardly have time to think about anything else, Enzo. I am tired.
"Do you think all of this is fun for me? Do you think it's fun for me not to see you? To spend all my time learning to hurt and kill things? Do you think it's fun for me that every single day I get my nose rubbed in the fact there's a whole universe out there just waiting to murder us? When was the last time you thought about it? When was the last time Magdy thought about it? I think about it every day, Enzo. My time is spent doing nothing but. So don't tell me that it's just easier for me not to bother with the drama. You have no idea. I'm sorry. But you don't."
Enzo stared at me for a minute, and then reached over to wipe my cheeks. "You could tell me, you know," he said.
I laughed a small laugh. "I don't have time," I said. That got a smile from Enzo. "And anyway, I don't want you to worry."
"It's a little late for that," Enzo said.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"It's all right," he said.
"I miss it, you know," I said, wiping my own face. "Spending time with you. Even when it meant spending time with Magdy. I miss having the time to really talk to you. I miss watching you fail at dodgeball. I miss you sending me poems. I miss all of it. I'm sorry that we've gotten mad at each other lately, and that we didn't do something to fix it. I'm sorry and I miss you, Enzo."
"Thank you," Enzo said.
"You're welcome," I said.
We stood there for a minute, looking at each other.
"You came here to break up with me, didn't you," I said, finally.
"Yeah," said Enzo. "Yeah, I did. Sorry."
"Don't be," I said. "I haven't been a very good girlfriend."
"Yes you have," Enzo said. "When you've had the time."
Another shaky laugh from me. "Well, that's the problem, isn't it," I said.
"Yes," Enzo said, and I know he was sorry he felt he had to say it.
And just like that my first relationship was over, and I went to bed, and I didn't sleep.
And then I got up when the sun came up and walked out to our exercise area, and started everything again. Exercise. School. Training. Study.
A very tiring time.
And this is how my days went, most days, for months, until we had been at Roanoke for almost an entire year.
And then things started happening. Fast.
SIXTEEN
"We're looking for Joe Loong," Jane said, to the assembled search team, at the edge of the forest by Joe's house. Dad, who was standing with her and Savitri, was letting her run the show. "He's been missing for the last two days. Therese Arlien, his companion, tells me that he was excited about the return of the fanties to the area and told her he was thinking of trying to get close to one of the herds. We're working under the assumption that's what he did, and then either got lost, or perhaps got injured by one of the animals."
Jane motioned at the line of trees. "We're going to search the area in teams of four, spreading out in a line from here. Everyone in a group stays in voice contact with the group members on either side; every one at the left or right of a group also stays in voice contact with your opposite number from the next group over. Call to each other every couple of minutes. We'll do this slow and careful; I don't want any of us adding to the number of the lost, understand? If you lose voice contact with the other members of your group, stop and stay where you are, and let your group members reestablish contact. If the person next to you doesn't respond when you call, stop and alert those you are in contact with. Again, let's not lose anyone else, especially when we're trying to find Joe. Now, you all know who we are looking for?"
There were general nods; most of the hundred and fifty or so folks who'd showed up to look for Loong were friends of his. I personally had only the vaguest of ideas of what he looked like, but I was going on the idea that if someone came running toward us, waving his hands and saying, "Thank God you found me," it was likely to be him. And joining the search party was getting me a day out of school. You can't argue with that.
"All right, then," Mom said. "Let's organize into teams." People started grouping together in fours; I turned to Gretchen and figured she and I would be a team with Hickory and Dickory.
"Zoë," Mom said. "You're with me. Bring Hickory and Dickory."
"Can Gretchen come with us?" I asked.
"No," Jane said. "Too large. Sorry, Gretchen."
"It's all right," Gretchen said to Mom, and then turned back to me. "Try to survive without me," she said.
"Stop," I said. "It's not like we're dating." She grinned and wandered off to join another group.
After several minutes three dozen groups of four were spread out over more than half a klick of tree line. Jane gave the signal and we started in.
Then came the boring: three hours of stomping through the woods, slowly, searching for signs that Joe Loong had wandered in this direction, calling out to each other every few minutes. I found nothing, Mom to my left found nothing, Hickory to my right found nothing, and Dickory to its right found nothing either. Not to be hopelessly shallow about it, but I thought it would be at least a little more interesting than it was.
"Are we going to take a break anytime soon?" I asked Jane, walking up to her when she wandered into visual range.
"You're tired?" she said. "I would think that after all the training you do, a walk in the woods would be an easy thing."
I paused at this comment; I didn't make any secret of my training with Hickory and Dickory—it would be hard to hide, given how much time I gave to it—but it's not something that the two of us talked about much. "It's not a stamina issue," I said. "It's a boredom issue. I've been scanning the forest floor for three hours. I'm getting a little punchy."
Jane nodded. "We'll take a rest soon. If we don't find something in this area in the next hour, I'll regather people on the other side of Joe's homestead and try over there," she said.
"You don't mind me doing what I do with Hickory and Dickory, do you?" I asked. "It's not like I talk about it to you much. Either with you or Dad."
"It worried us the first couple of weeks, when you came in covered with bruises and then went to sleep without actually saying hello to us," Jane said. She kept walking and scanning as she talked. "And I was sorry it broke up your friendship with Enzo. But you're old enough now to make your own choices about what you want to do with your time, and we both decided that we weren't going to breathe down your neck about it."
I was about to say, Well, it wasn't entirely my own choice to do this, but Jane kept talking. "Beside that, we think it's smart," she said. "I don't know when we'll be found, but I think we will be. I can take care of myself; John can take care of himself. We were soldiers. We're happy to see that you're learning to take care of yourself, too. When it comes down to it, it might be the thing that makes a difference."
I stopped walking. "Well, that was a depressing thing to say," I said.
Jane stopped and came back to me. "I didn't mean it that way," she said.
&
nbsp; "You just said I might be alone at the end of all this," I said. "That each of us will have to take care of ourselves. That's not exactly a happy thought, you know."
"I didn't mean it that way," Jane said. She reached over and touched the jade elephant pendant she had given me years ago. "John and I will never leave you, Zoë. Never abandon you. You need to know that. It's a promise we made to you. What I am saying is that we will need each other. Knowing how to take care of ourselves means we are better able to help each other. It means that you will be able to help us. Think about that, Zoë. Everything might come down to what you are able to do. For us. And for the colony. That's what I'm saying."
"I doubt it's going to come to that," I said.
"Well, I doubt it too," Jane said. "Or at least I hope it doesn't come to that."
"Thanks," I said, wryly.
"You know what I mean," Mom said.
"I do," I said. "I think it's funny how bluntly you put it."
To the left of us there was a faint scream. Jane swiveled in its direction and then turned back to face me; her expression left very little doubt that whatever mom-daughter bonding moment we'd been having was at a very abrupt end. "Stay here," she said. "Send word down the line to halt. Hickory, come with me." The two of them sped off in the direction of the scream quietly at what seemed like an almost impossible high speed; I was suddenly reminded that, yes, in fact, my mom was a veteran warrior. There's a thought for you. It was just now I finally had the tools to really appreciate it.
Several minutes later Hickory returned to us, clicked something to Dickory in their native tongue as he passed, and looked at me.
"Lieutenant Sagan says that you are to return to the colony with Dickory," Hickory said.
"Why?" I asked. "Have they found Joe?"
"They have," Hickory said.
"Is he all right?" I asked.
"He is dead," Hickory said. "And Lieutenant Sagan believes there is reason to worry that the search parties may be in danger if they stay out here much longer."
"Why?" I asked. "Because of the fanties? Was he trampled or something?"
Hickory looked at me levelly. "Zoë, you do not need me to remind you of your last trip into the forest and what followed you then."