by Sarra Cannon
I shook my head, but I couldn’t force my eyes open. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to think or feel anything. I just wanted to disappear entirely.
I couldn't breathe, and even though I knew I needed to get it together for Mom’s sake, I couldn’t think straight. I was out of control, like a car speeding through the rain.
A memory reached out to me and pulled me under.
My knees gave out, and suddenly everything went dark.
“Where do you think you’re going?” I asked, stomping off the porch and following Hailey out into the street. I could barely walk in my heels, so I slipped them off and carried them instead.
Thunder rumbled in the distance.
“I’m serious. It’s going to pour down rain any minute,” I said.
Even with the heels off, I still stumbled a bit and had to hold onto the side mirror of someone’s Toyota just to catch myself from falling. I felt strange. Woozy, even though I thought I’d only taken a sip of that punch before I realized it had alcohol in it and threw it away.
How much did it take to make someone feel drunk?
“Hailey, wait,” I shouted.
She was getting into her car—a brand new Hyundai she’d paid for with the money from a modeling campaign she’d done for a chain of athletic stores in the area. She didn’t even so much as look at me as she got inside. Why was she being so weird lately? It was like I hardly recognized her anymore.
The first drops of rain fell across my cheeks, and I looked up, squinting.
Crap. Neither one of us were in any shape to be driving, especially in a storm. And there was definitely a storm coming. I could feel it deep in my bones.
I called her name again and ran toward the car. I reached her just in time, throwing open the passenger door and sliding in just as she peeled out of her parking spot.
She might be acting strange, but I wasn’t about to let her go off on her own.
By the time we reached the end of the street, the rain was coming down in sheets. I could barely see three feet in front of the car, and Hailey hadn’t even bothered to turn on the headlights or the windshield wipers.
“What the hell has gotten into you?” I shouted, so angry I wanted to choke her. “Can you please just pull over for a second so we can talk? You’re going to get us killed.”
But Hailey didn’t answer me. She turned onto the main highway that ran through town, her eyes facing forward and her hands clutching the steering wheel. She was a girl on a mission, and nothing, not even me, could stop her.
4
Avoiding The Obvious
I opened my eyes to total darkness, and at first, I had no idea where I was. I bolted upright in bed, struggling to breathe against the momentary panic. I reached for the light on my bedside table, but my hand slipped on the emptiness and slammed into something hard.
I cried out and pulled my hand close to my body, fighting back tears.
I’d forgotten I was back in my room at home instead of the small bedroom in Longview with its bedside table and familiar lamp. I took deep breaths to slow the pounding of my heart and then crawled across my bed to the other side and flipped the light switch on the wall.
I squinted against the sudden brightness of the overhead light.
I was home. I was safe. Everything was going to be okay.
I remembered Dr. Millner’s breathing techniques and inhaled slowly to the count of three before releasing my breath in one long exhale. After a few rounds, I felt much better, but I was still disoriented.
What time was it? I remembered passing out in the kitchen and waking up disoriented before my mother sent me upstairs to rest. I must have fallen asleep for the rest of the afternoon.
My hand touched a wet spot on the bed next to me, and I pulled a washcloth onto my lap. Mom had handed it to me just before I fell asleep, but it was warm now. It was summer, so the days were long and the sun was up until almost nine in the evening, so if it was dark already, it had to be late.
Someone knocked on the door. “Marayah?”
“Come in,” I said.
My heart opened wide as my younger sister, Kimi, came into my room, her big brown eyes wide and scared at first and then full of tears.
She ran to the bed and jumped up into it like she’d done so many times before. “You’re home,” she said, throwing her arms around my neck and nearly knocking me over.
I laughed, the sound so completely foreign to my ears it caught me off guard.
“Oh my God, I missed you so much.”
“I missed you, too,” she said. “There are no words.”
We held each other for a long moment before she finally broke free.
“I thought I heard something in here,” she said. She glanced at the hand I had cradled against my chest. “Did you hurt yourself?”
I shrugged. “I guess I forgot where I was for a minute and banged my hand on the table,” I said. “No big deal. Did I wake you up?”
“Nah, I was reading, just waiting for you to wake up,” she said. “Mom and Dad went to bed half an hour ago, but they’ve been checking on you every half hour the whole day. I told them they should just let you sleep, but you know them. They’ve been hovering.”
I smiled. “I guess I can’t blame them.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to pick you up today,” she said, frowning and picking at the edge of my comforter. “I wanted to go, but they said you needed some time to readjust. I’ve been dying to tell you all about what’s been going on.”
“Finally,” I said. “So, what’s the news? I’ve missed so much.”
She flashed a devilish smile. “Well, first of all, you know that I’m going to be starting school with you next week, right?”
“Oh my gosh,” I said. “Freshman year. Are you excited?”
Her eyes widened. “I’m terrified,” she said. “I’ve been assigned to Mr. Fratelli’s homeroom and everyone I’ve talked to says he’s the toughest teacher in school when it comes to being on time. I heard that he locks the door as soon as the bell rings, and if you’re not in the room and in your seat at that exact moment, he marks you tardy. No second chances. And in high school, if you’re tardy more than five times you get written up. Is that true? Because Lisa Angelo’s sister told me that she was almost suspended just for being late to his class, and she nearly lost her chance at a good college because of him.”
Kimi hardly took a breath as she was telling me all of this. It was great to see someone acting normal for a change.
“He’s not so bad,” I said. “He’s strict, but trust me, you’ll be fine.”
She sighed and relaxed her shoulders. “Well, that’s good. Sometimes I think the older kids just like to tell us stories to scare the crap out of us, and I told Lisa her sister was probably lying, but she swore it was true,” Kimi said. “But anyway, the good news is that I tested into advanced math and literature, so Lisa and Kelsey and I are all going to have most of the same classes, which is really great. You know we’ve all been in the same class since forever, so I would have just died if we’d been separated this year.”
“That’s good news,” I said.
“What about you? Do you know if they’re going to let you start school back with your class?” she asked. “Because a lot of people have been asking about you and whether you were starting back as a senior or a junior, because, well, you know.”
Yes, I definitely knew. In a way, I was surprised people were even talking about it. I guess since none of my friends had even been to visit me, I’d figured they’d all forgotten about me entirely.
“The counselor said that with the homeschool program I did while I was away, I should be able to start back with my regular class as a senior this year, but that we’d reevaluate after the first month and see how things are going,” I said. “I’m going to have to work really hard if I want to keep up.”
“You can totally do it, though. You’re like, one of the smartest people in your class,” she said.
Super comforting.
So far, I’d been able to easily keep up with my schoolwork online, so I hoped it wasn’t going to be an issue, but it was hard to say until I was actually in the thick of it.
“You know Mom’s already freaking out about colleges for you,” she said.
“Why am I not surprised?” At least that was a normal thing for my mom to be freaking out about.
Kimi rolled her eyes. “You know how she is. She’s not comfortable unless she’s worried about a million things, and it’s only gotten worse since, well...”
“Right,” I said. At least she wasn’t avoiding the obvious. It was much easier when people didn’t act like I was so fragile that they couldn’t mention the accident around me.
“I think they’re going to try to convince you to enroll at the local community college for the first two years so that you can live at home,” she said. “But just so you know, I think that’s bullshit.”
“Kimi!” I swatted her shoulder. “Since when did you start using that kind of language?”
She smiled and rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. Since I became an almost-freshman, I guess. I’ve grown up a lot since you were gone.” She straightened her shoulders. “I’m thirteen already, you know.”
Her birthday was a month ago, and I’d begged to be released in time to surprise her for it, but Dr. Millner said we couldn’t rush the process. Of course, Mom and Dad had refused to let Kimi visit me at Longview.
Man, I’d missed her.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see you for your birthday,” I said. “But I’ll make it up to you. We should go do something together, just the two of us. Maybe before school starts, if you’re up for it.”
She made a face, but didn’t say anything, which was very unlike Kimi.
“What?” I asked.
She slowly shook her head and avoided my eyes. “I don’t think they’re going to let you drive,” she said. “They’ve had a few arguments about it when they don’t think I’m listening.”
“Are you serious?” I asked. Anger pulsed through me. Surely they didn’t expect me to get rides from them every time I wanted to go somewhere. Talk about bullshit.
“Mom is deadset against it, but Dad was trying to make the argument that it was better for you to get back to normal as soon as possible,” she said. “Mom just worries that it’s going to be traumatic for you to be back behind the wheel.”
I threw up my hands, letting them fall back to my lap with a loud pop. “I wasn’t even the one driving that night,” I said. “Hailey was.”
“I know that,” she said. “But seriously, maybe Mom has a point.”
“Oh, so now you’re taking their side on things?” I asked.
“I’m not,” she said, sticking out her lower lip. “It’s just that they said you passed out earlier just out of nowhere. Boom. Total blackout for hours. What if something like that happened when you were driving?”
“It’s not going to,” I said.
“How do you know?”
I crossed my arms and leaned back against the pillows. I didn’t know, and that was the problem. I hadn’t had an episode like that in months, and it didn’t exactly make me feel good about my ability to cope with all this now that I was home. If something as simple as a cell phone could give me a panic attack, who knew what driving a car would do?
“I guess I can just take it easy for a while,” I said.
“I think that’s a good idea,” she said. “Look, if you want, I can see if we could all ride with Jennifer and Lisa. That way we don’t have to have our parents driving us to school like we’re babies or something.”
I shrugged. “I’ll think about it, okay?”
“Good enough for me,” she said. “Really, I’m just glad you’re home.”
“Me, too,” I said.
She smiled and we shared a long quiet moment together before she yawned and glanced at the door.
“Are you tired?” I asked. “What time is it anyway?”
“It’s like eleven, I think? Eleven-thirty?”
I frowned. The last I remembered, it was only one in the afternoon. I couldn't believe I’d been passed out for over ten hours. That was just crazy, but the loud rumble in my stomach told me otherwise.
I clutched my tummy, and we both laughed.
“Wow, someone’s hungry,” she said.
“Yeah, it sounds like there’s a beast in there,” I said.
“Want to raid the kitchen for old time’s sake?” she asked.
“You don’t have to ask me twice.”
We raced each other down the stairs and into the kitchen. I threw open the fridge and started pulling out cold cuts, cheese, fruit, and bottles of water while Kimi raided the cabinets and grabbed chips, bread, and a package of oatmeal raisin cookies. My favorite.
We spread the food out on the kitchen island and didn’t even bother sitting down or taking out plates. We made sandwiches and stood together, one leg propped against the other like flamingos as we leaned against the island and stuffed our faces.
Kimi told me stories about her friends and people from the neighborhood. She filled me in on all the good gossip I’d missed, and for the first time since I’d left Longview, I finally felt like I was home.
5
He Was There
“Marayah, are you coming down for breakfast?” Dad asked from outside my closed bedroom door. “Your mother’s making banana walnut pancakes.”
“I’ll be down in a minute,” I said.
I stared in the mirror at my long dark hair, still wet from my shower. Other than the fading scar that travelled from just above my left temple to the top of my cheek, I looked exactly the same. The same bone-straight black hair. The same dark brown eyes. The same copper skin that was a mix of my mother’s Japanese heritage and my father’s Native American.
It was strange to look the same and feel so different.
I ran a brush through my hair, threw on a pair of jeans and a tank top, and ran downstairs to join my family for breakfast.
Mom smiled as I came into the room. “Good morning, beautiful,” she said as I kissed her cheek. “How did you sleep?”
“Not too bad,” I said. “It was nice to be back in my own bed again.”
“That’s good,” she said. “I saw that someone raided the fridge last night after we went to bed. Can I assume you got to spend some time with your sister?”
I laughed. “You know there’s no way I could eat that much on my own,” I said. Kimi was notorious for being able to eat twice her weight in food. I have no idea where she put it all. “Where is she this morning? Is she still in bed?”
Mom frowned. “No, Kimi went over to Lisa’s to go swimming today. Some kind of end-of-summer party.”
I nodded, feeling a pang of regret in my stomach. It was an end-of-summer party that had gotten us into all that trouble last year. I wondered if the people in my class were having parties like that again this week. Surely they were, it was almost the start of our senior year.
I wasn’t surprised that no one had invited me, even though I was sure they knew by now that I was home.
Mom put a heaping plate of pancakes, bacon, and eggs in front of me at the table and kissed the top of my head like she used to do when I was a little girl.
“I hope you still have an appetite this morning,” she said. “But don’t feel like you have to eat it all if you don’t want to.”
“Okay,” I said.
They were being so careful around me, like they didn’t want to push me too hard. I should have appreciated it, but it just made me feel like a stranger in my own home.
“Good morning,” Dad said as he came into the kitchen. He seemed less angry today. Less worried. “How did you sle
ep?”
“Good, thanks,” I said, wondering if I was going to have to answer the same questions over and over for the rest of my life.
“Got any big plans for the day?” He set my cell phone down on the table next to me. Had he actually gone into my room to get it? “If you wanted to, you could see what your friends are up to. I saw that you hadn’t messaged anyone yet.”
I cleared my throat and set my bacon down on my plate, not sure if I did have an appetite after all.
My father had gone through my phone and looked at my private text messages. He hadn’t done that since I was thirteen.
I knew they were angry and confused about the accident and what the toxicology reports said, but I hadn’t realized I’d completely lost their trust.
Yelling at him about invading my privacy wouldn’t do any good, though. That was a lesson I’d learned early on with Dr. Millner. The only way to regain trust and freedom was to agree with everything they said and apologize as much as possible.
It meant swallowing a lot of my anger and feeling achingly lonely most of the time, but it was worth it. Mostly.
“I’m sorry about what happened yesterday, by the way,” I said, letting his comment about my phone go. “I guess I saw Hailey’s name in my contacts and just kind of freaked out.”
Dad reached across the table and squeezed my hand. He rarely touched me, and the movement caught me off-guard. “That’s why we wanted to take things slowly at first,” he said. “Things may feel a little overwhelming now, but you’ll get back to your old self before you know it.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I said. I managed a smile for his sake.
I really did appreciate everything they were doing for me, but it was the way they looked at me now that broke my heart. It was like they still loved me, but they were no longer quite sure who I was.
“Oh, by the way, I got an email from Mrs. Sparrow saying that they were going to be doing senior pictures tomorrow afternoon up at the school,” Mom said as she sat down next to me. “She wanted to make sure we knew so that you wouldn’t miss being in the yearbook.”