I recognized how close we were, and how alone. But I needed to be alone with him; him, and no one else.
“I thought of the runes.” Blackwood swallowed. Shame ignited inside me, but he said, “I believe you’re right, Howel. I wanted to wrest the magic from its proper place and force it to do my bidding. That is impossible, I know that now. I was rash and…” His words trailed away. I kissed his forehead.
“I wanted to blaze ahead without any thought to what could happen,” I whispered. “For all we know, playing with the circle could have been worse.” God, why had I been so headstrong? Perhaps I was so bone-weary of the pain in my shoulder that I’d wanted to hasten the end of the war, no matter the outcome.
Blackwood’s lips met mine. For one blessed moment I felt safe.
“I’ve been the most foolish,” he whispered, stroking my hair. “Every day, there are more and more of those blasted monsters. I’ve trapped the future of English magic inside a glass dome.” He tightened his embrace. “Howel, I’m afraid.” Knowing that he was still human, still mine, warmed me. My body hummed with his touch. “You are the better part of my soul,” he growled. “Help me.”
I slid my fingers through his hair. He gave a small, stifled gasp as I kissed his neck. “If you want me to leave, you must tell me now,” he whispered. This was against everything we’d both been taught.
My fingers trembling, I undid the top buttons of my nightgown. My dress fell open to my stomach, exposing my body to him. I moved as if in a dream. I could hardly believe what I was doing…what I wanted to do.
With a wondering expression, Blackwood touched me. I couldn’t breathe as his hands trailed up the bare skin of my stomach, skirted around to my back. His fingertips skimmed the black marks at my shoulder, but he did not appear repulsed. Impulsively, he brushed his lips over the wounds, and I gave a soft cry.
“Is it all right?” he asked. God, it had felt heavenly.
“Yes.” Slowly, I tugged at his shirt, and he discarded it in one movement. His body was white in the moonlight, his form muscled and lean. I put a hand to his bare chest, to feel the pounding of his heart in time with mine.
I traced my hands over his body, shivering at how silken his skin was over such a hard physique. His kisses grew more urgent. We tore at one another, and the worry of what tomorrow might bring dispersed like smoke in the air. This might be all the time we would ever have together.
Blackwood slid my nightgown from my shoulders and let it pool to the floor in a soft whisper. The night air should have been freezing on my skin, but I barely felt it. Lifting me into his arms, he carried me to the bed. In an instant, he’d shed his clothes, and we lay together beneath the blankets. We only dared breathe. I kissed his face, tasted the salt and snow on his lips and tongue.
I wanted this.
“You are the other half of me,” Blackwood whispered. “I love you.”
“I love you,” I whispered back, and wrapped myself around him.
At first we murmured apologies, tried to be gentle. Blackwood kissed the tears from my cheeks and asked if I’d rather stop, but I always urged him on. I wanted him too much to turn back. Eventually, it became easier. I began to gasp with pleasure, not pain. We moved with a perfect rhythm throughout the night, and as dawn tinged the sky we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
* * *
—
WHEN I WOKE, BLEARY-EYED, THE SUN was nearing its zenith. The gray clouds had rolled away, revealing a clear blue day. The bed beside me was empty. I could recall a kiss upon my forehead as Blackwood left, his whisper that I should rest. The entire night before had the vividness of a mad dream.
My skin tingled at the memory. A smile stretched over my face, unbidden and uncontrollable.
I sat up and caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. My unkempt hair tumbled around my shoulders. Giddiness rapidly mingled with astonishment. That person in the mirror could not be me. I got out of bed, feeling very grateful I’d given up on having a maid. I’d no idea how I would have explained, well, any of this to Lilly. I blushed as I realized I’d need to change the sheets.
As I washed, dressed, and did my hair, I tried to ignore the panicked whisperings in my mind. A lifetime of stern lectures and a childhood’s worth of lessons on Eve and the apple flooded upon me all at once. You know what happens to women who make your mistake. It was almost as if I could hear Colegrind, my old headmaster, hissing at my ear. You’ve given him exactly what he wanted.
“Shut up,” I snapped at no one. There was no reason to feel embarrassed.
But when I went downstairs, I felt as though I’d left behind an important bit of clothing and prayed no one noticed. I kept against the wall, wishing to remain invisible. Fear was eroding every sensible thought. Why had Blackwood stolen away with only a kiss? Why—
Blast and damn, Henrietta, go and see that the people have something to eat. Make yourself useful.
Breathing easier, I went straight to the great hall. Eliza was already there, distributing bowls of soup. She gave me an incredulous look.
“How could you sleep so long?”
I certainly didn’t want to tell her the reason, so I took up a tray and got to work. My mind was churning as I handed out food and wrapped bandages. We seal bearers would have a meeting later on, and I’d find time to speak with Blackwood. Make certain that he, well, that he still planned to—
“There you are.” Magnus appeared beside me so suddenly that I nearly stumbled. “How are you?” I struggled to think up a proper response.
“Are you all right?” might have been the first step, because he looked terrible. His eyes were swollen from lack of sleep; his stubble had grown darker.
“I’m so sorry about Dee,” I finally murmured. The pain of last night, erased for those few hours with Blackwood, returned like a hammer. Taking my arm, Magnus gently walked us down the gallery. This was the long, narrow hallway filled with antique suits of armor. Every polished breastplate or gauntlet boasted the Blackwood crest, those two hands entwined in ivy.
“I want to do something for Lilly,” Magnus said. The gray depths of his eyes blazed. “She would have been Dee’s widow. I want her to have all the entitlements.”
“She will.” That I could agree to without hesitation. He nodded and seemed about to say more when his jaw trembled. Magnus turned from me, a hand over his face. When I went to touch him, he flinched.
“I can’t have lost him, too. I can’t have let him down like I did her.” Those last words came in a stifled sob. There was no need to ask whom he was speaking of. It was obvious that his mother—and her death—was never far from his mind. Magnus muffled his cries as I laid my hand on his shoulder.
“You’ve never let anyone down in your life.” I would not add my tears to burden him. Squeezing his arm, I said, “We won’t give up on him. I swear it.” At first, Magnus was hard as stone beneath my touch. Then I felt him slacken. Magnus turned around and pulled me into his arms. It wasn’t romantic. We simply stood there, taking each other’s burden. After a while, Magnus grew quiet. Releasing me, he didn’t try to hide the tears staining his cheeks. I gave him my handkerchief.
“Thank you.” He attempted a smile. “You keep my feet on the ground, Howel.”
And then Blackwood came over to us, and my heart leaped into my throat.
“I’ve been looking for you,” he said, his gaze intent on my face. That he had found me in Magnus’s arms didn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. Not that long ago, he’d have glared daggers at us both. Indeed, he even gave Magnus a commiserating handshake. “Let’s speak today, after the meeting.”
The sudden warmth Blackwood showed Magnus took us both by surprise. Magnus returned the handshake, looking a bit stunned.
“Yes. Thank you.” Magnus left, and Blackwood and I were alone. I tried to keep myself calm. Perhaps Blackwood had been
easy toward Magnus because he no longer wanted me and didn’t care. What would he do now? Tell me what a common girl I was, break the engagement, or—
His kiss silenced the voices in my head.
“We should be married tonight,” he whispered.
My knees practically gave out.
“I thought you might not want me any longer,” I admitted.
“Quite the contrary. I can’t get enough of you.” God, how I blushed.
“Can we have everything set up by tonight?” I asked.
“Yes. First comes the ceremony in the obsidian room, then to the chapel. Then you’ll be mine, utterly.” His kiss was tantalizingly brief. “And tomorrow, we’ll discuss the stones.” For the first time in so long, I relaxed. I had given everything I had to Blackwood, and he’d accepted me. As he held me in his arms, I knew he wouldn’t let me fall.
He wouldn’t let England fall, either.
“You’re getting married now? After last night?” Eliza asked hotly. We were in her room, where she was thawing her hands after an afternoon of work in the yard. The day had gone so quickly. Blackwood and I had met with the seal bearers to discuss the previous evening, and Blackwood had announced our impending marriage. The congratulations had been sincere, if not enthusiastic. Perhaps they all thought, after the carnage of last night, that this was an odd moment for a party.
I’d expected Eliza’s reaction would be similar, but I hadn’t foreseen this.
“You left them alone in the woods.” She sat in the chair before her fire, still shivering from the cold. “I had to send Lilly back to bed. She nearly fainted today.”
Her words were like a slap. “What were we supposed to do?”
Eliza looked perfectly serious. “You’re the ones who opened the barrier in the first place.” She dropped her eyes. “George is like our father. He’ll break anything to further his own ambition.”
I couldn’t speak for a moment. “Are these your words, or your mother’s?”
Eliza toyed with her skirt. “You don’t understand what Mamma’s been through.”
“On account of your father, not your brother.” My voice rose, and Eliza flinched. I would have harsh words with anyone who claimed that a child’s parentage determined his or her fate. I knew from experience how painful that idea could be.
“Only remember that George tried to sell me into marriage against my will.” She looked up at me. “It’s thanks to Julian I’m not with Foxglove today.”
I felt uncomfortable. Now that I understood the, well, intimacies between a man and a woman, I felt it would be murderously criminal to force someone into a situation when they didn’t want it. And my thoughts turned again to Magnus as he reminded Eliza of her own strength. He was…
Well, he wasn’t someone I should spend too much time thinking about any longer.
“George will be steadier once we’re married,” I said, and Eliza looked out at the darkening sky. Bursts of vibrant red splashed across the clouds as the sun set. “I thought you wanted to be my bridesmaid.”
Eliza gave a sad smile. “I did,” she said. “But after what he did last night, I can’t bring myself to be at this wedding.”
“George is your brother. And it was my idea, not his.” Not entirely true, but near enough.
Eliza studied her hands, twining a small gold band—her false engagement ring—on one white finger. “He puts no one before his pride, not even his sorcerers.”
His sorcerers? “He…he needs to make impossible decisions as Imperator,” I said at last.
Eliza frowned. “And the ordinary men who were caught in the fight? He didn’t even mention them at the meeting. He mourned Valens and Dee, but not those men. Julian told me all about it. He heard it from Hawthorne. Hawthorne was proud of George’s ‘resolve,’ as he called it. They don’t care about the men without magic. There’s always a wall between them and us.”
How had we arrived at the point where I defended an Imperator’s actions and Eliza was a revolutionary?
“Let’s talk later,” I said, not wanting to argue. Eliza tugged a shawl around herself and watched the fire.
“Later,” she echoed.
* * *
—
LILLY WAS TOO ILL TO COME to the wedding. I brought her a tray before going to change and found Wolff and Lambe seated with her. They were all speaking in low, soft voices. Lilly’s hair was in a plait over her shoulder, her pale face swollen. At the sight of me and the tray, Lilly burst into tears. Wolff took the tray while I held on to her, rocking her back and forth as she sobbed.
“I’m sorry I won’t be there. I can’t. I can’t.” That was all she could say. I held on to her for a while, promising her I understood, wishing I could do anything to make it better. We stayed like that until Maria knocked on the door and told me that the hour couldn’t wait.
“It will be a short ceremony,” Lambe said to me as Wolff got Lilly to sit down and eat a bite of stew. Lambe studied a crack in the floor. “Don’t worry about that.”
Back in my room, Maria helped me into the blue silk gown once more. It had been mostly repaired, only a bit stained at the hem, but I didn’t mind. Sliding on my black sorcerer’s robe, I looked at the engagement band on my finger. With a whisper to some blue snow-sorrows, Maria got them to weave together into a perfect crown. Witchery was remarkable.
As I looked in the mirror, I realized I resembled some pagan creature. I was rather like the stained-glass figures pictured in the Speakers’ chapel: flowers at my head, a loose robe gathered about my body. Maria watched my reflection.
“I can’t believe you’re not going to be in the obsidian room,” I said to her. Because she was not a recognized sorcerer, she could not enter such a “holy” place, or some other nonsense. She got on tiptoe and nudged the crown so that it was straight.
“I’ll be at the chapel. That’s all that matters. Besides, I talked with His Lordship today. He said tomorrow he’ll make the announcement about me.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. Of course. Now that I would have an iron-clad position in the Order, he could afford to be “generous” with Maria’s own title. I fidgeted with the flower crown to make it sit evenly on my head.
The bells in the chapel tolled. My heart sped up in excitement. An hour more and the events of last night would be sanctified. Nothing to fear.
Maria embraced me and walked with me down the stairs. We crossed a long, silent corridor to the obsidian room. She deposited me at the door and hugged me once again, then left me to my fate.
I waited outside the obsidian room, my heart thudding. Porridge lay in its customary place by my side. Slowly, the doors opened. I entered to find sorcerers seated on either side of the room. Magnus sat in the group to my left but kept his eyes downcast. The doors shut, and I was in a room of night.
Ahead, one of the elder sorcerers waited at the center of the room, Blackwood standing before him.
Even though he was wearing his own sorcerer’s robe, and even though I could not see the clothes he wore beneath, my breath stopped at the sight of him. We watched each other as I went to meet him, until finally the distance closed and we were together. A crown of woven ivy sat upon his head. Another ivy circlet waited on a table. Dimly, I understood. When the ceremony was complete, they would take away my crown of flowers—my own sorcerer sigil, the snow-sorrows standing in place of roses—and replace it with my husband’s.
I would no longer be the Howel seal bearer. Instead, I would belong to the Blackwood house.
Part of me hated to say goodbye to my burning rose.
Blackwood took my hands in his, looking electric with pride. We would be together in all things. We would be all right.
The ceremony began. The official held a candle above our hands, a ball of water, a stone, a feather. The four elements blessed our union.
Now there were only our vows to recite.
“I take thee into my house,” Blackwood said. “Under my roof, you shall shelter. Before my hearth, you shall warm. At your breast, my children shall nourish. At your hand, my household shall sit. Let the stone bear witness to our union. Let our love be inscribed on the stone.”
I felt that the earth itself rose up to bless our marriage; it had something timeless about it. Now came my turn.
“I enter into your house—” But that was as far as I got. An urgent blare of the horns outside shattered our peace.
Maria threw the door open and rushed inside. The sorcerers rose as one, shocked at having an unsanctioned member enter their holy space.
Maria shouted, “Sorcerers spotted at the barrier!”
My God. Dee and Valens. Could they have made it?
“Then we ride out at once,” Blackwood said.
But elation turned to fright when Maria replied, “Lady Eliza is already on her way to the barrier. She’s going to open it and let them in.”
The ceremony was forgotten as the whole house of sorcerers charged out into the night.
“How can Eliza open the barrier?” I asked Blackwood as we harnessed the wind. My robe flapped behind me as we flew.
“Only a Blackwood can invite the barrier down!” he shouted. “Eliza is of the blood.”
It must never have occurred to Blackwood that Eliza would take such matters into her own hands. But unlike Blackwood, she had no skills with which to fight the monsters.
We remained tight-lipped until we swept up the hill and found the Familiars surging against the barrier. They had cornered the remaining men of the squadron—I caught sight of Dee and some of the other men warding off the creatures. Magnus rode ahead, hurrying to grab Eliza. She was riding hard on horseback, her hand outstretched.
Blackwood shouted her name, but she did not stop.
She leaped off the horse and touched the barrier. In an instant, the men we thought had been lost—and a multitude of Familiars—poured through.
A Sorrow Fierce and Falling (Kingdom on Fire, Book Three) Page 8