She presses her lips; her chin quivers and she finally nods. "If I start, I don't know if I'll be able to stop."
"Duly noted," I say and kiss her on the forehead.
When we reach the bottom of the stairs, Ryan is sitting next to Tammy on the couch—both girls cover his lap. Tammy looks up and smiles faintly. Her eyes are becoming hallow, and her skin is grey. The morphine doesn't help her lethargic state. "Come here," she says, holding out her hand. I walk over and take her hand in mine. "How's she doing?" Her eyes cast to the ceiling, noting upstairs.
"We've talked. It's rough."
"I know," she says with a deep sigh. "Hey, girls, let's get on suits on and head down to the beach. Jill's given me my cocktail," she says, lifting her arm with the IV. "So…I'm feeling pretty good about now."
"Why don't I take the girls down while you and Ryan get ready," I say, thinking they need some alone time.
"Thanks, Jill," Ryan says and prods the girls to move from his lap.
"Love you, girls," Tammy tells them as we make our way upstairs to change.
I take a deep breath and focus on how to even make this weekend…a joy. But I will. For Tammy's sake, I will.
Then
I was now in my third year of nursing school, and Monica was turning three. Michael and I weren't perfect, but I thought things might have gotten better. He was becoming frustrated with his position at work and had expressed moving on. Seattle was where he wanted to be, and I recalled the conversation when we were dating. If you would call it that. Sometimes, I felt Michael and I were doing better than expected. After knowing each other for only weeks, at least we were still together and raising a baby. More so, me raising her. The tree house was built as promised, and now when we were outside, we had to watch her closely. At two and a half, she scaled the ladder like a monkey.
Michael was no longer able to take Monica to the daycare Whirlpool provided because he had switched plants. And somehow, I felt it was done purposefully—so he wouldn't have to take her. However, the change came with an ultimatum—he had to spend Wednesday nights alone with her so that I could join a study group. I was on a fast track—hoping to graduate a year early and continued my studies through the summer. I was well-beyond the need for a break. And needless to say, Michael still wasn't much of a help when it came to duties around the house. I looked forward to Wednesday.
My study group was meeting off campus, and I let Michael know the coffee shop where we intended to meet. Dinner was in the crockpot and Monica was now well potty-trained. He had no excuses—I burned the oil at both ends and my wife and motherly duties were above and beyond. Though, I got little praise for it.
I kissed Michael goodbye on the cheek and told him Monica was down for a nap. "Don't let her sleep too long. She'll be up all night," I told him as I gathered my books. "And…oh, please place the dishes in the dishwasher and not in the sink." He was removing his tie, looking over some reports he brought home from work. "Did you hear me?"
He looked up. "What?"
"Don't let her sleep much longer and put the dishes in the dishwasher. I'll be home around 8:00."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard you, Jill."
As I walked out the door, I took a breath of fresh air. "Ah…adult night," I mumbled under my breath. Even if it was just to study.
Walking into the coffee shop, I didn't see Tammy or the other two girls in our study group. But I did see the new student—Drake Daniels. He was a transfer student from Michigan State and had recently joined our study group.
"Hey, where's everyone at?" I asked, joining him at the table.
"I don't know." He looked at his watch. "Shall we wait a few minutes?"
"Yeah."
"I'll grab us jo," he said and touched my arm as he passed by. Drake was good looking and single and was studying to be an anesthesiologist. It was no doubt that I was attracted to him. But it wasn't just his looks. He was kind and attentive to me. But then again, so was Michael back in the day. He would ask how Monica was and commended me on being a mother and student. He made me feel…noticed.
"Here you go. On me," he said, setting the coffees down and sliding into the booth across from me. "Well, looks like everyone else is a no show."
"Yes, it looks that way," I said and felt eager that it was only the two of us. I convinced myself there was nothing wrong with us being together and alone at a coffee shop. It was not planned, and we had expected others to be there.
I pulled out my books and waited for him to do the same. There was a smile on his face, and I had to ask what he was thinking. "What's up?"
"If no one else shows up, let's go to my place to study."
I grabbed my cup and took a quick sip and burned my tongue. "Ah…"
"You okay?"
"Yes, just burned my tongue."
"So, what do you say we take this party to my place? It's just across town." As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn't. What if Michael came looking for me? Yeah, right. But it was more than that. I knew Drake was attracted to me, but worse, I was attracted to him. I looked for any reason to accept his offer. I thought of the times I knew Michael was probably seeing other women. Only, I couldn't prove it and didn't want to give in on assumptions.
"I better not. My husband knows I'm here, and if something happens to Monica, he knows where to get ahold of me."
He reached out and touched my hand. I felt the electricity run through me. If felt good and dangerous at the same time and I knew I was dealing with fire. The temptation was too strong, and I fought the urge not to take his hand.
"Okay, I understand," he said and continued to stroke the top of my hand. I didn't move it and savored in his simple display of affection. It had been years since Michael showed any attention toward me. Those times usually came after a fight, and he would leave. Only to return when I had made the decision to leave him and take me to bed.
I looked up and saw the begging in his eyes. It was hard to look away, and hard to say no. I was about to pull my hand away when he took mine in his, pulling it into his mouth. As he kissed the top of my hand, he looked at me through his lashes. My chest heaved with excitement, arousal. What should I do? I didn't want to be attracted to him, but I was. Would I be this way if Michael was different? More loving with me? I couldn't decide and panted through my slightly parted lips.
"We really should get some studying done," I said and pulled away. He smiled with a sweetness that only intensified my urge to reach across the table and kiss him.
"I understand, Jill. But I want you to know, I'm here…in any way you need me." Had Tammy been talking to him? No, she wouldn't. Would she?
I pressed my lips with a smile and nodded. It wasn't a yes, but it wasn't a no. I pulled out my books and opened to the chapter I had marked. As we studied, I became more comfortable with being alone with him. But could I trust myself to be alone? Alone with him?
He made me feel wanted, desired, worthy and we laughed easily. I didn't feel as if I had to try to get him to enjoy being with me. He just did. Then I thought of Michael. Was this how he behaved at work? Did he display sweet sentiments to other women, making them feel special? I didn't want to make the same mistake I had with Michael. But at the same time, I enjoyed what he was giving me. Special or not.
The time got away, and I panicked while gathering my books. He stood and helped me with my sweater. It was nice, again one of those things Michael would never do. As we walked out of the coffee shop, he took my hand in his…and I let him. It was risky, and anyone could have seen us. The feeling of his hand in mine was too beautiful to let go. He walked me to my car, and before I got in, he kissed me. It was unexpected, and my actions told him I wanted it. He pulled me close, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. I loved the way his hands smoothed down my back and squeezed me into him. I was dizzy, and my body felt like I was floating away. I was hard to come back to reality, and I forced myself to break the kiss.
"I…I need to go. It's already late," I stammered.
/> "Jill, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."
"It's not that. I…I'm married, Drake." But he knew that and kissed me anyway. "I have to go. Goodbye," I said and struggled with the key in the ignition. He placed his palm on the window, and before I pulled away, I pressed mine over his from the other side. I then gave a weak wave and drove away.
I was still shaking when I walked in the front door. Michael was watching TV, and I was sure he could see the guilt written all over my face once he looked at me. "Monica in bed?" I asked but knew she was.
"Yep."
His answer was short, and I knew that meant he was angry because I was late. An hour late. Was he going to say anything? "Was she good?" I needed to know his demeanor.
"Yeah, she was pretty good." I took a breath. He sounded…normal. Not ticked.
"Was the crockpot lasagna okay?"
"Yeah. There's some left. I didn't put it away." Of course, he didn't, but I was relieved he wasn't suspicious or upset that I was late.
"Thanks for putting the dishes in the dishwasher." I was looking for reasons to praise him. Though, to clean up after yourself after someone prepares your dinner should be given.
"No problem," he said and then looked at the clock.
"Ah…sorry I'm late. The time just got away from us." As I walk past him, he looked up, and the panic on my face was palpable. I felt my face begin to scrunch up and before I knew it, I was crying.
"Jill? What's wrong?"
"Michael…something bad happened tonight. I'm so sorry."
"Did you wreck the car?" He stood up and went to the door.
"No, Michael. It was me. I did something…something I shouldn't have."
He turned around and furrowed his brows. "Okay, what?"
I looked at him, and even though this man deserved nothing but a kick in the groin most of the time, I felt guilty. There were panic and concern on his face. This I had never seen from him, and it elevated my guilt.
"I kissed someone. I kissed another man tonight."
He stood there with his hands on his hips and looked at me incredulously. What was going through his mind? Anger? Jealousy? I couldn't stand it and kept apologizing. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen. It will never happen again. I promise." I looked for ways to punish myself. "I'll quit the study group. I'll only study here, and you won't have to watch Monica." He continued to stare at me. "God, say something, Michael."
"Is that all?"
I wasn't sure the meaning behind his question. Is that all and he didn't care? Or was that all that happened? Did he think no one would find me attractive?
"Answer me," he seethed. His anger began to show, and it was no doubt he wanted more details.
"No, that was all. We studied and when he walked me to the car…we kissed. That's all, Michael. I promise. I came straight home. Please forgive me."
His shoulders lifted on a heavy sigh, and he ran his hands through his hair. He stretched his neck, and I watched his jaw twitch. He was angry, and I wanted to defend myself and tell him this is how it feels. But I had no proof of his infidelities, and I had just confessed to kissing another man. And on some level, the fact he was angry about it gave me an ounce of satisfaction.
"Who?" he asked behind clenched teeth. This part I hadn't anticipated. He should only be mad at me. I didn't want to get Drake into any trouble.
"It doesn't matter, Michael. He's just some guy in our group." He was more than that, and I felt bad reducing him down to a cliché. "I won't be seeing him anymore anyway."
He picked up one of Monica's stuff animals on the floor and threw it across the room. I was surprised he didn't throw it at me. "Please say you'll forgive me," I pleaded.
"Just leave me alone for now," he said, and I waited for more. He looked at me with hate in his eyes and walked outside. Was he leaving me? I walked over and slowly opened the front door. He was sitting on the front step.
"Michael, if it's any consolation, it made me see how much I love you and fear to lose you."
"Just let me be for now."
"Okay, I'm going to take a shower," I said and slowly closed the door.
I was in the shower, feeling both relieved and scared. I had no idea what Michael would do, and now I feared he would use this as an excuse to sleep around…or leave us. What had I done?
The shower door opened and Michael stepped in…naked. "Michael," I quivered. He didn't say anything at first, and his eyes had a strange look in them. I couldn't place it.
He took my hands and placed them above my head, against the shower wall. "What are you doing?" I didn't know whether to be scared or…turned on. We hadn't been in the shower together since dating.
"Don't be afraid, Jill. I'm not going to hurt you." Not sure what was happening, I did feel as if I could trust him. He hadn't touched me in that way since our wedding night. And when he pulled my hair. "But I am going to fuck you—hard. I'm pissed, but not at you." His face was inches from mine, and as I stared into his eyes, I could still see his chest rise and fall from his heavy breathing. "You make me feel so many things that I can't explain it." I didn't understand. And how could he explain it to me if he didn't understand himself?
He let go of my wrist and picked me up. My legs wrapped around his waist and he entered me like he said. Hard. "Ah," I cried out and his mouth covered mine. I felt fear in his kiss. I felt him trembling, and he kissed me like he never had before; wild and crazy, and passionate. For the first time in this crazy moment, I felt the love he had for me and knew I had done the right thing in being honest.
"You're my wife, Jill," he said with heavy breaths. "I may not be a good husband, but you are my wife."
"Yes…I know." My words were strained through the excitement. Was he now claiming his ownership of me?
"Promise me there isn't anymore. Promise me you won't be sneaking around and fucking this guy," he said as he pushed in and out of me.
"I promise."
Each time he slammed into me, my tailbone banged against the shower wall, and when I cried out, he cupped his hands around my bottom and turned me around.
"Is that better?" he asked.
"Yes," I breathed out. He grabbed my hips and guided me up and down on his erection. My arms anchored around his neck, and I held on tightly as the water poured over us and our bodies became slick. I loved him so much right at that moment. He had never been this demanding or passionate, and I knew it was the fear of losing me. He could say all he wanted, but his actions told me differently. He loved me. He couldn't say it, but I knew he did.
As he said my name and made me promise it would never happen again, I felt the wave of an incredible organism growing inside me. I screamed out his name, and he moaned, "Yes. Yes," over and over. He was coming too, hard and there was no denying how much he desired me at that moment.
Michael held me, and we kissed like we would never see each other again. The lovemaking was intense, and through the tremors of coming down, I found myself crying. Michael held me close, and I never wanted to leave his arms. I felt his hand smooth over my back and I kept my head in the crook of his neck. I felt his pulse beat heavy in his jugular. The storm had passed, and in its wake, we had each other. Life for us would be different, and our journey together would be full love and appreciation. I had finally won a place in Michael's heart. But winners don't always stay on top, and to stay the course, means sacrificing a little of yourself every day.
I was making dinner when Michael walked through the door. It was Wednesday, and a week had passed since our shower incident and my kiss with Drake. I was surprised to see him home this early. In fact, every day he'd been home early. Maybe by letting him know another man could be interested in me made his stop and think about what he had. He had also been a tab more attentive with me.
"Aren't you going to your study group tonight?" he asked, looking surprised.
"No, Michael. I promised you I wouldn't go anymore since…" I didn't finish.
"It's okay if you want to
go. You told me and I trust you."
"Really? You don't have a problem with me being around…" I stopped before I said his name. He picked Monica up and gave her a kiss on her head.
"Daddy can handle Mommy being gone for a few hours," he said in his baby talk to her. She laughed when he pretended to bite her fingers.
"Well…I just started dinner. I didn't plan ahead, because I didn't plan on going tonight."
"I can finish it," he said, and I was suspicious of his intent. Had he really done a one-eighty?
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. You want to graduate early, right?"
"Yes."
"Then go. I got Monica and dinner."
"Alright," I said and gathered my books and kissed Monica and Michael before leaving.
Tammy was surprised to see me when I walked in—and so was Drake. I told Tammy about the kiss, and she said she wasn't surprised.
"Hey, guys. Sorry, I'm late. I decided to come at the last moment."
"Well, we're going over organs and the systems they make up." I pulled out my anatomy book and flipped the pages to catch up. Drake gave me a sweet smile and hoped the night wouldn't be awkward for us.
We were twenty minutes into our studies when the door chimed above, and I looked up. Michael was walking in, pushing Monica in her stroller. What the hell? I surprised he even knew how to unfold it.
"Michael? Is something wrong with Monica?"
"No, I just thought I would take her for a walk," he said and looked straight at Drake, who was the only guy at the table. He had his target.
Love, Michael: A second chance romance Page 23