“Adam’s such a paternal guy.” Mark snorted. “I’m sure he’s deeply worried about it.”
“Laugh it up,” Adam muttered. “I changed a diaper the other day, I’ll have you know.”
“What?” Braden asked with a laugh.
“You did not!” Mark said, sounding like he was about to crack up at the very idea.
“He really did. I helped,” I said proudly.
“Yeah, she found the return address label.”
“I also wiped,” I reminded him indignantly.
“And now, every time someone mentions wiping a baby’s ass, I’ll think about how I feel about you,” he said, cracking up as he continued to stare out into the hallway.
“Oh shut up!” I said, smacking him hard on his own ass and trying not to laugh.
“Hey, no kinky shit while the kids are watching,” he said, finally looking away from the door and laughing even harder. Even though I bit my lip, and tried to glare, I couldn’t hold it back. I started cracking up with him.
“Yo, Braden, go see what’s happening out there, while Ralph and Alice get control of themselves,” Mark said, and Braden got up and took Adam’s place at the door.
“Oh my God, honey, you’re right,” Jess said with a laugh. “Gab and Braden are like Lucy and Ricky and Adam and Lily are just like the Honeymooners!”
“They lived in a hovel too,” Bruce pointed out, helpfully.
“They’re all apparently still in there,” Braden reported in from the peephole.
“Did you say the return address label?” Cam asked, sounding amused. Adam and I were finally calming down, wiping tears of mirth out of our eyes.
“Long story,” I said, trying to catch my breath.
“Fifteen minutes until party time,” Jess updated us.
“I see the door opening. I think somebody’s coming out,” Braden announced.
“Let me see,” Adam said, getting control of himself and going back to his lookout point. I went over to stand beside him as Braden returned to the couch to comfort Gabrielle, who was still taking the failure of her brilliant scheme rather hard.
“It’s Donna, and in addition to her Thunderbird, she now has a bottle of Jameson.”
“She must have stashed booze in McGuire’s apartment too,” Mark joked.
“Okay, she’s headed for the stairs, and she’s gone. Uh oh, here comes Yuri, and now he’s headed down the stairs, and five, four, three, two … Here comes Nardo, and he too is empty handed.”
“At least those two are honest burglars,” Cam noted.
“Or else he’s got a flash drive in his pocket,” Gab finally spoke up.
“Maybe he was just happy to see Donna,” Braden teased.
“He’s headed for his apartment,” Adam went on. “Guess he changed his mind about wherever he was going.”
“He doesn’t want to miss the party, honey,” Jess chimed in.
“And last but not least, here he is the one and only, U. Hu, and his bag of clocks. And now he’s going into his apartment.” Adam stood up, turned and looked at all of us. “Well, congratulations, team. You just helped four people to burglarize a private citizen.”
“At least the last three were empty handed,” Mark reminded him.
“Always the defense lawyer, aren’t you?” Adam smirked.
“Hey, it’s close to party time!” Braden said, looking at his watch. “Who’s up for beer trivia?”
“How about Beer Sex Trivia?” Mark suggested. “I’ll be Lily’s partner,” he said, smirking back at Adam. He obviously loved pushing Adam’s buttons.
“We have to introduce him to Donna,” Adam informed me. “In fact, let’s introduce him to Donna and Vixen. He can handle a double team.”
“Watch it or I’ll start telling Lily about what you’ve handled in the past,” Mark said, giving Adam an amused look.
“Like what?” I asked curiously, and Adam gave Mark a death glare which just made him crack up. There was a lot of laughter in this apartment tonight. Before Adam could become too homicidal there was a knock at the door.
“And so it begins,” Braden said ominously.
Chapter Thirty-One
We all had our roles. Adam and I would be hosting. Cam was our bartender and Jess kept the snacks replenished. Mark and Braden were security, a key role, considering what we had just witnessed. Bruce was, as he described it, ‘that guy who got the party going,’ which I understood to be sort of like a debauched cruise director. Gab was our deejay and she had brought her 80s Party Hits playlist. At the moment, The Talking Heads were starting to sing Burning Down the House. I hoped nobody would get any ideas. I followed Adam, who went over and swung the door open with a flourish. Herb stood there with a bottle of ginger ale, a wilted potted plant and a ‘Welcome to Philadelphia’ t-shirt.
“Are you the Key Master?” Adam asked, and I pushed him aside.
“Hi, Herb. How are you?” I asked, trying to sound as friendly as possible.
“Hey, Lily! I’m great, thanks. Got your invitation. I really appreciate you inviting me. Congratulations on your new romance by the way.” He looked up at Adam, seeming somewhat confused by his greeting. Maybe he was the one person in the world who hadn’t seen Ghostbusters. I elbowed Adam.
“Herbert, dude, how are you doing?” Adam asked, going over and clapping him on the back. Herb hurtled forward. “Herbert is your full name, right?”
“Yes. Well, I mean, that is the full form of my name. Although Herbert is actually my middle name. My first name is David, but I don’t really like it.”
“You prefer Herbert over David?” I asked, trying not to judge.
“Yeah, it’s just that people used to call me Dave, and I’m not really a Dave. Daves are athletes, and class presidents. I’m really much more of a Herb.”
“I see.” I nodded understandingly. “Well, Herb, let me take those.” I gestured toward his armful of offerings.
“Oh yeah. I brought ginger ale because you can have just as is, or you could use it as a mixer.” He said it in a tone that made it sound like he was imparting the wisdom of the ages.
“Good thinking, Herb,” Adam said with a smile. “I could tell right off the bat you were a thinker. That’s probably why SEPTA hired you. They appreciate people who think, rather than do anything down there. How long have you worked for them anyway?”
“Nine years on Monday!” When anyone mentioned the Philadelphia mass transit system Herb got a light in his eyes.
“Are those for us?” I reminded him, gesturing again at the plant that would be needing life support shortly.
“Oh, yes, uh, the plant is for you, Lily, and the t-shirt is for Adam, to welcome him.” Adam and I had grown up ten minutes from Philly, incidentally.
“Thanks, Herb! Hey, you know Mark over there was just telling me that he wished he knew more about SEPTA’s safety record.”
“Really?” Herb looked like he was going to wet his pants. He thrust the plant and the t-shirt at me and practically vaulted over the couch to get to Mark. As soon as he was out of earshot Adam turned to me.
“Well, he does have a fox connection after all.”
“You caught that too,” I said, impressed by his intellect, and feeling a familiar warm rush and pull in my nether regions.
“Of course I did,” Adam said, giving me a sexy smile. “David Herbert Lawrence, D. H. Lawrence, author of Lady Chatterley’s Lover, Sons and Lovers and …”
“The Fox,” I finished, smiling back. “You know I feel strangely turned on that we both knew that.” Ideas of sneaking him off to the bedroom were occurring to me. I really was becoming a nympho. Adam was like a drug.
“Me too. Your mind is very sexy. Want to sneak off and grab a quickie?” he asked, as if reading my thoughts. I didn’t get to answer, though, because the rest of our party was arriving, with U. Hu leading the pack. Wow, I didn’t think he would actually come.
“Mr. Hu, I’m so …” I started to say as U. Hu darted past me and went direc
tly to look out my window. “Uh, Mr. Davis, how are you?” Right behind U. Hu, stood my elderly neighbor, looking all spiffed up in a suit and tie and holding a single red rose. He gave me a lecherous smile.
“Here you go, cupcake. This is for you.” He handed me the rose and checked out the room. Then he went off to take a walk down memory lane with Gabrielle. I looked toward the door again, saw Yuri, and did a double-take. Yuri was kind of a scary guy.
“Good evening,” he said simply.
“Hey, Yuri, my man, how are you doing?” Adam said, punching him in the arm.
“You know, you’re one tall guy. I’ll bet you played ball in school, huh?”
“I vas a rower.”
“Really? Hey, see that other really tall dude over there? That’s Braden Pierce. He rowed for Harvard.”
Yuri looked interested and wandered off to talk to Braden. I noted, looking around the room, that U. Hu was peering surreptitiously out the window now, and that Mark’s eyes looked like they were glazing over as Herb hit his stride.
“You rowed for Boston University, didn’t you?” I asked Adam.
“Yeah, that’s how Braden and I originally met. I’m busy hosting, though. Hello there,” he said with a smile, as Mario and Regina came in.
“Yo, how’s it goin’?” Mario asked, congenially.
“Hi. I’m Regina Roselli. I don’t think we’ve met. Nice place! I love the décor.”
“Hi, Lily Adler and this is Adam Roth. You should go over and chat with Bruce,” I pointed. “He loves talking about decorating.”
“Great! Thanks!” She bee-lined for Bruce but Mario hung back.
“Booze is that way,” Adam indicated the kitchen where Cam was set up.
“Yo, thanks, man!” Mario bee-lined for the kitchen.
“Yo welcome,” Adam said with a smile.
“Hey Lil, hello Adam my Adam,” a raspy voice slurred from the doorway. Donna stood there, her wig slightly askew, one false eyelash a bit crooked. She had on a skin-tight lycra dress that left nothing to the imagination - nothing at all, unfortunately. Who knew you could get camel toe in a dress? Worse than the outfit, though, a cloud of pungent perfume surrounded her. The smell was so powerful that I almost gagged. I would probably never get it out of my apartment.
“Donna!” Adam said with a smile fixed in place. “You’re looking … uh, hey. We have alcohol! Right through there.” He pointed to the kitchen.
“Thanks baby. Maybe the two of you can join me in a little toast later.” She staggered off toward the kitchen. Thank goodness Jess was in there too to defend her man.
“Don’t think about it,” I said when she was out of earshot.
“Yeah,” Adam replied simply.
“Hey, yo. I’m here for the party.” We turned back to the door where a vision in black leather and neon purple leopard skin stood, looking hostile.
“Hi, Vixen, right?” I asked with a smile.
“Yeah. The real name’s Vivian, but I like Vixen better. You got any tats?” she asked, checking me out.
“Nowhere where you can see,” Adam said suggestively and I glared at him.
“Ah, c’mon. I see more pussies in my line of work than a gyno. What’s she got going on down there?” She gave Adam a conspiratorial look.
“It says, ‘Adam was here’,” he replied with a grin. Bastard.
“Weren’t you thinking about getting your balls pierced, sweetie?” I asked, grinning back. Adam swallowed hard and started to look a little pale.
“I can get you a deal,” Vixen assured him.
“Thanks,” he said, sounding hoarse.
“So you got booze here or not?” she asked, turning back to me.
“Kitchen.” I pointed and she headed off to join the gang, in what was obviously the most popular room in the place.
I noticed that as Vixen went in, Mario and Donna came back out. I had the feeling that she had cleared many rooms. Mario went over to talk to Yuri and Braden. I was sure he would have a lot to add to the conversation. His beer gut spoke volumes about his athleticism.
Donna headed for Mark, who looked like he was on the verge of becoming comatose. Even she would probably seem enticing after listening to SEPTA safety statistics. Gabrielle had a smile frozen on her face as Mr. Davis chatted her up, and Bruce sat listening to Regina tell him something that made him look despondent.
I was about to close the door when I saw another figure standing there. Wow, Scratch had made it.
“Hey,” he said, eyes darting around the room.
“Hey,” Adam repeated.
With that stimulating exchange, Scratch wandered in and headed toward the kitchen. He and U. Hu should talk. And finally, there he was in my doorway, Mr. Charming himself, R. Nardo.
“You got bourbon?” he demanded.
“Hello, we’re so happy you could make it,” I said sweetly.
“Kitchen,” Adam indicated, pulling me to his side as Nardo headed off. “Lilith, what did I tell you about not pissing off the locals?”
“What about the comment you made about SEPTA to Herb?”
“Herb isn’t quite as menacing as Ray. Besides, I think he has a crush on you and I don’t like it.” I rolled my eyes at him.
Now that everyone was present and accounted for, Adam and I observed them for a few minutes. Donna had elbowed her way in on Herb and he had wandered off. Mark no longer looked bored stiff. Now he looked nervous. I noticed that he kept moving, and I suspected that Donna was doing her best to feel him up.
Herb was intercepted in his wandering by Vixen, who was exiting the kitchen drinking straight from a bottle of Jagermeister. She and Herb seemed to strike an animated conversation immediately. Maybe there was some connection I was unaware of between mass transit and tattoo artistry.
Scratch had left the kitchen, holding a cup of beer, and he was trying to look casual, while obviously watching U. Hu, who was trying to look casual, while obviously watching Scratch.
Mr. Davis finally took pity on Gabrielle, and wandered off to join Mark and Donna. Mark looked at him like a drowning man who has just been tossed a life preserver, and literally climbed over an end table to get the hell out of there. I saw him throw a homicidal look at Adam, who waved and grinned happily at him.
Gabrielle set her music on auto-play and went over to talk to Regina, thus allowing Bruce to make his own escape and head for the kitchen, which seemed to have become some sort of sanctuary.
Nardo stalked out a second later and sat down in a chair with a glass of something and just glared at everyone. Yuri came over to sit near Nardo a moment later. The two of them might hit it off actually. They were both such warm, friendly guys. I wondered what in the hell Mario could be talking about with Braden.
Mark made it to the kitchen safely. Mario finally left Braden a moment later, and went over to join his wife. Gabrielle and Braden, in turn, both headed our way. They had just joined us when Bruce came out of the kitchen holding a drink with a paper parasol in it. Where did he get that? As soon as he got into the room, he sniffed the air, started making a gagging noise, and staggered dramatically toward us.
“Lily, I can’t bear that horrible perfume any longer. You must turn on your ceiling fan whether it’s November or not,” he hissed at me.
“Fine,” I said and went over to hit the switch. The fan started turning and slowly picked up speed. A minute later, something flew down and hit the floor. Gab, who was standing closest, went over to pick it up.
“It’s a flash drive!” she said excitedly. Suddenly, all conversation stopped and everyone turned to look at her.
“Go to your fan,” I said to Adam, repeating what the note in my wallet had instructed.
“Your fan was on when you got in,” he replied. “Probably to see if something taped to it would stay up there. Maybe he forgot, or got interrupted and that’s why he didn’t turn it off.”
“I’ll take that, thanks,” said a voice I didn’t recognize. Everyone turned toward it at once. It w
as U. Hu and he had a gun! Braden immediately pulled Gabrielle into his arms to shield her.
“It was you!” she said triumphantly from the protection of her husband’s embrace. “You’re the Fox!”
“No, sorry, but I’m not The Fox. I’m the Yakuza. The Morettis have gotten too powerful in this town, and it’s time they remembered that they are only one group of many.”
“I thought the Yakuza was the Japanese mafia,” Mark said. “Aren’t you Chinese?”
“My father is Chinese. My mother is Japanese. Now hand over the flash drive.”
“You can hand it over to me instead.” Everyone turned to look again. This was like a tennis match. It was Yuri, this time, who also had a gun, and it was pointed at U. Hu.
“You’re the Fox!” Gab said.
“No. I am vith Russian mafia. He is correct that Moretti has gotten arrogant, but it vill not be the Yakuza that holds power. Give me the flash drive.”
“Unfortunately, it won’t be either one of ya’s,” a voice slurred from the kitchen. We all turned to look. It was Donna! And she had a gun pointed at Yuri. Donna armed was scarier than the other two put together. God only knew what she would hit.
“Cougar mafia?” Adam asked.
“Ha! You should definitely keep that one around, Lil. Not only is he making you holler real good, but he’s fuckin’ hilarious.”
“Are you the Fox?” Gab asked, sounding genuinely curious.
“No. I once was a fox, though. Back when I was Miss Philly Cheesesteak, Sal Moretti couldn’t keep his paws offa me. He was my boyfriend until he threw me over for some young slut. I want revenge. Now hand over the flash drive.”
“Not so fast.” We all turned toward the door, where Ray Nardo stood, pointing a gun at Donna.
“And why do you want it?” Adam asked.
“Because I’m the Fox.”
“See!” I said to Mark. “I told you he seemed like a criminal.”
“You seem like a criminal to us,” Scratch said, pulling his own gun and coming up behind Nardo. “Now!” he said, and suddenly a group of guys wearing body armor that said ‘FBI’ came flooding through the door and quickly disarmed everyone present. Scratch took out a badge. “Mike Kazinski, FBI. All clear, Jake.” With that, in strode Jacob, looking as cocky as usual.
Legal Briefs (Lawyers in Love) Page 22