by Alexia Adams
“But if we’re going to have any kind of personal relationship, we need to be honest with each other. For instance, what set you off at the Tate? We were enjoying the evening and then it suddenly changed.”
“I realized that we’re too different. We want different things in life. I want a committed relationship and you want friends with benefits. If it weren’t for Hannah, we’d have split long ago.” Raw truth. She shuddered. There, she’d said it. She searched his eyes, sure she’d see confirmation of her prognosis.
“Olivia, I know we haven’t had a conventional relationship so far. We went from first date to practical parenthood. But even before Hannah appeared on the scene, I was fascinated by you. You are smart, funny, warm, compassionate, and incredibly sexy. That day we spent in Brisighella was wonderful. I have never felt so at peace with another woman, ever. I could just be myself with you, have a laugh, enjoy the moment. And since Hannah entered our lives, every night I come home feeling that everything is right in my life. I’ve never felt that before, either. I’m desperate to make love with you, but nonetheless content just to be with you.” His voice was husky, as if he, too, were battling great emotion.
“Is that all I can expect, ‘content to be with you’? Will you ever get over your marriage? Ever be able to accept me as a … model?” She should tell him about the rape and her baby, give him the full picture of who she was, still deep inside. But the words wouldn’t form. Olivia tried to pull away, but Jonathan didn’t let her. He waited until she glanced up at his face again. Here it was, the end, in glorious Technicolor. “Go on, you said raw truth. Give it to me, Jonathan.”
He took a deep breath and stared over her left shoulder. “I can’t give my heart to another model. I can’t go down that road again.”
Pain sliced through her. If he hadn’t been holding her, she’d have bent double. “You think I’ll be like Celeste?”
His gaze snapped back to hers as though she’d slapped him. “No, I know you’ll never be like her. But I can’t live that life again. I don’t want to come home and you not be there. I don’t want you away for weeks on end at the other side of the world. I don’t want strangers looking after Hannah while you’re away. I want—I need—a conventional family. If I settle for less, I know I’ll resent every assignment that takes you away from me. It will poison our relationship.”
“It was one night, Jonathan. I was helping a friend. And James isn’t a stranger.”
“I know, but I saw the excitement in your face when you returned. You’ve been bitten by the fame bug. You’re popular, everyone wants you. I can understand that. I saw your photos. You are amazing. And believe me, I spent the whole night telling myself I’m a Neanderthal, expecting you to give up your career for me. It’s not fair to even ask. But I am. I’m asking you to decide, Olivia. Modeling or me?”
Choose him, choose him, her body screamed. But the little voice in her head reminded her of all the other men who had claimed to want her, only to bore of her after a few months. If she gave up everything to be with Jonathan, there would be no career to go to when he tired of her. And she’d never be able to help girls who were in the same position she’d been in seven years ago. Girls like the one at the station today, who needed to believe there was hope just to make it through another day.
“You’re asking me to make a sacrifice even you’re not willing to make, Jonathan. You travel more with your work than I ever have with mine. I need some time to think.”
The raw disappointment in his eyes almost made her blurt out her answer right there. What was life if not a gamble? Even a few months of Jonathan was worth a lifetime of nothing.
“I understand. Can we have a trial run, though? Set aside all the issues between us for this weekend and just enjoy being together?”
“I’d like that.”
“Before I kiss you, I have one last question.”
“Will my answer depend on whether you kiss me or not?”
He laughed. “I wish I could say yes. But I think my body will overrule my head on this one.”
“Then ask away.”
“Are the feelings you have for me because I’m Hannah’s father? I mean, do you just want me because I come with her?”
Olivia sighed. He’d given her honesty, she had to do the same. “My feelings for you are independent of my love for Hannah. What you’re offering is very tempting. But I have some issues to deal with. Sophia and I promised each other we wouldn’t be defined by our past. But it’s harder said than done sometimes. I have tried so many times to make people love me, and I’ve always ended up hurt. I can’t compromise anymore. I have to know that this relationship will give me as much as I give it. It may sound selfish, but … ” She trailed off, not knowing how to explain the fear and longing that ran through her every time she thought of a future with Jonathan.
“I can give you time, Olivia. All I ask is that you let me show you how great we are together.” Jonathan took her face in his hands and slowly lowered his head. He kissed her gently, tenderly, telling her with his lips how much he cared.
When he eventually raised his head, she whispered, “I can’t sleep with you yet, Jonathan. I have done too many things in the past because someone wanted me to, or because I thought it would please them. This time it has to be for me, because I want it.”
“Fair enough,” he replied. “But that doesn’t mean that I can’t help you along the way to wanting me.”
“Agreed,” she said, followed by another long, sensuous kiss. How long would it be before she was ripping his clothes off? At least until they got to the bottom of the hill, she hoped.
Chapter 16
Olivia bit into the homemade bread and savored the flavor. Empty carbs may be evil but after the emotional turmoil of yesterday, she needed something other than an egg white omelet to get her through the day. Jonathan sat opposite her at his parents’ kitchen table, his sock-clad foot rubbing up and down her calf in a secret caress. They had to get ready for the wedding soon. It was the calm before the storm.
“Aaaahhhh! My wedding is ruined!” Stephanie erupted into the kitchen, tears streaming down her face.
Patricia raced over from where she’d been preparing pancakes for Hannah. “What’s happened, honey?”
“The woman who was to do our hair and makeup just cancelled. I’m going to look horrible, my photos will be ruined, and the whole day will just be miserable,” she finished on a wail.
“Wedding day nerves,” Jonathan’s father said and returned to his breakfast.
“I can do your hair and makeup,” Olivia offered. “I did up my friend Sophia when she got married a few months ago. If you have a photo of what you want, I can try to match it.”
“Really, you can do that? But when will you get ready?” Stephanie tried to dry her tears with the sleeve of her dressing gown.
“I’ll get ready after you’re done. We can’t have a wedding without a radiant bride. Now, was the makeup artist going to bring all the things with her or do you have them here?”
“I have the stuff for my hair, but she was bringing the makeup,” Stephanie said with just a hint of wobble in her voice.
“Well, we’ll see if what I have will suit you, otherwise maybe Jonathan can make an emergency trip to the store.”
Olivia rose from the table and was about to follow Stephanie upstairs when Jonathan touched her arm. “Thank you,” he whispered. He kissed her cheek, setting off a warm glow. The smile in his eyes said he knew exactly what effect he was having on her.
“Show me what you have in mind,” she said as she entered Stephanie’s room.
“I like this hair style.” Stephanie handed a photo to her. “And this is what Leanne did with my makeup when we had the practice session.” She pulled up a photo on her mobile phone.
“I think we can manage that,” Olivia reassured her. “Now, tell me how you met Steve.” She wanted Stephanie to focus on the real reason for the day’s events and not the morning’s minor hiccup.
/> “We met when he came to repair my car after I’d broken down on the motorway. He works as a mechanic in his dad’s repair shop. I didn’t want to go out with him when he first asked me,” Stephanie began.
“Really, why not?”
“Because his name is Stephan. Stephan and Stephanie, it’s too cute. But he told me he’d change his name if it bothered me and that most people called him Steve, anyway. I thought any man that would go to that extreme just to date a woman couldn’t be all that bad. And by the end of our first date, I knew we would get married,” she finished, her usual enthusiasm and excitement back in her voice.
“That quick?” Olivia was shocked.
“Yup. When did you realize you were in love with my brother?” Stephanie asked as Olivia dabbed moisturizer on the bride’s face.
“Who said I was in love with your brother?” She stopped what she was doing and took a step back.
Stephanie opened her eyes and laughed. “Your body language. When he walks in the room it’s like you’re opposite magnets. You can be standing far away and within a minute you’re next to each other. I know my brother is good-looking, but it can’t all be his looks.”
“No, no, it’s not. I like the way I feel when I’m with him. Like I’m a better person, not so wrapped up in my own head. I’ve never felt like that before. Is that love?”
“Sounds like it. When you can’t bear to make it through the day without seeing him or at least hearing his voice, then you’ll know,” Stephanie said.
That pretty much described every time Jonathan went on a business trip. Despite telling herself she was an idiot, she’d count the hours between when he left and returned. Then she pathetically sat by the phone each evening, waiting for him to call. Not to mention the excitement that raced through her when she heard his footsteps in the hallway. Was that love?
“How’s it going in here?” Patricia asked, opening the door to Stephanie’s room a couple hours later.
“Wonderful,” Stephanie gushed. “Olivia has done my makeup perfect, just the way I was hoping. And she’s had a brilliant idea for my hair as well.”
“You look beautiful,” Patricia said, a wobble in her voice.
“I can do your hair and makeup, too, if you like,” Olivia offered.
“Oh, I don’t think you need to bother with me. I don’t usually wear much makeup, and no one has been able to do anything with my hair in ages.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep it looking natural. Why don’t you sit down for a moment, Patricia? I think Stephanie could do with something to eat. She hasn’t had anything yet today. We can’t have the bride fainting on us, so off you go, Stephanie.”
An hour later, Jonathan’s dad’s deep voice called up the stairs, “It’s almost time to go, ladies.”
“Show time. Go ahead and wow them,” Olivia instructed.
Stephanie was resplendent in her ballgown-style wedding dress. She was so beautiful, so happy, that tears welled in Olivia’s eyes. Despite Jonathan’s indication that he was falling in love with her, she still found it hard to believe that she’d get her happy ever after.
She could hear the men exclaim over each woman as they descended the stairs.
“Where’s Olivia?” Jonathan’s voice rang out after a minute.
She wiped her eyes and left the room. “I’m here,” she called down from the landing.
Jonathan passed Hannah to his father and took the stairs two at a time. She was still in the yoga pants and t-shirt she’d pulled on first thing this morning. The dress she’d intended to wear to the wedding hung on the back of the guest room door.
“You’re not Cinderella. You get to go to the ball,” he said as he reached her side.
“I know, but everyone’s ready and I’m not. Go ahead, I’ll catch up to you later.”
“I’ll wait.” He turned but Olivia caught his arm.
“Jonathan, be reasonable. I haven’t even had a shower yet. I’m going to be at least half an hour. You’re part of the wedding party. If you make everyone wait for me, I’ll be so embarrassed. Please, go. Just leave me the address and I’ll take a taxi as soon as I’m ready.”
He seemed about to argue but then shook his head. “Promise me you’ll come.”
“I’ll come.”
He caressed her cheek, gave her a quick kiss, and then he was gone.
• • •
Jonathan stood at the front of the church, trying to pay attention to the ceremony. Hannah sat between his parents in the first pew, looking adorable. Her pigtails, tied with blue ribbons to match her dress, were completely askew, which only added to her cuteness. He smiled at her and she waved back. Although not an official part of the wedding party, Stephanie had given her a basket with some pretend flower petals so she felt part of it all.
His daughter wasn’t the only female on his mind. Every two minutes or so he would surreptitiously look to the back of the church to see if Olivia had arrived. It had been an hour and a half since they’d left her at home and the ceremony was almost over. He’d looked forward to walking into the church with her on his arm, introducing her to people he’d known all his life. If she didn’t show, he’d drive back home before the reception and collect her.
His head turned at the sound of a door opening behind him. Olivia tried to enter quietly, tiptoeing in her high-heeled shoes as she slipped into the back pew. She mouthed the word “sorry” as she caught his eye.
For once, he was glad he that all he had to do was stand and try not to look too bored. Because any kind of rational speech was beyond him at the moment. Although being on public display, where anyone with keen eyesight could see the growing bulge in his trousers, wasn’t the most convenient place to be. He stared at the floor and willed his hard-on down. But try as he might, the image of Olivia in a long, red, Chinese-style dress kept him up. He couldn’t even claim the outfit was inappropriate for a church as it completely covered her body, except for a long slit up one side he’d spied as she sat down. It should be demure—even her shoulders were covered by the short sleeves. But with her long, dark hair straightened, she looked sultry, exotic … dangerous. And as sexy as he’d ever seen her, not counting the babydoll nightgown she’d been wearing when he woke her the other morning. Damn…
“I now pronounce you man and wife,” the vicar announced. “You may kiss the bride.”
The congregation broke out into clapping and he mentally recited the current interest rates for the top ten emerging markets, trying to get his body in control. Stephanie and Steve made their way down the aisle, and eventually Jonathan took his assigned bridesmaid’s hand and walked after them, with only a slight hitch in his step.
The photo session outside the church seemed to go on forever. Occasionally he’d catch sight of Olivia and his heart rate would accelerate. She chatted among the other guests, holding Hannah’s hand, often bending down to talk to his excited daughter.
Finally the photographer claimed he had enough pictures for now, and the wedding party was released to their own devices until the reception. Jonathan mumbled a hasty “see you later” to his wedding counterpart before scanning the crowd waiting to congratulate the newlyweds.
He eventually found Olivia in a sheltered corner of the churchyard. She was wearing her full-length, black cloak again, hiding her dress from view. He hurried over, anxious to put his arm around her waist, feel her against his side.
“I was worried. You were so late,” he began.
“Sorry, my hair took longer than I thought. It always takes longer than I think. I should just cut it short; it would be so much easier to manage,” she said, tucking a loose strand back inside her hood.
“You would look stunning no matter what you did with your hair. But I have this fantasy where we’re both naked and your long, dark hair is hanging down your back, plastered to your body, after a rather vigorous round of lovemaking.”
“Jonathan, you can’t talk like that in a churchyard. What if the vicar heard you?” But her scolding
was mixed with a lustful look of her own.
“I’m pretty sure the vicar saw the look on my face when you walked into the church. I don’t think he’d be too surprised.” He glanced around as his sister climbed into the waiting limo. “I guess it’s time to go to the reception. I just have to stand in the receiving line and dance with the bridesmaid for the second dance, then I’m done with my duties.”
He took Olivia’s hand and led her to his father, who was holding Hannah.
“We’ll meet you at the reception hall,” he told his father as he reached for his daughter.
“Mind you go straight there,” his father warned.
“Trust me, if it weren’t for Hannah, you wouldn’t see either of us again tonight. But with our little chaperone in tow … ” He left the rest unsaid.
“Drive safe then and keep your mind on the road,” his father said with a laugh as they moved toward the car.
• • •
“This is our song,” Jonathan whispered in her ear, her body plastered against his full length. The singer’s velvet voice crooned a sultry version of “At Last.” They moved slowly to the music, oblivious to the other couples dancing around them.
“Well, at the very least we get a chance to talk,” Olivia whispered back. She’d enjoyed the wedding more than she’d expected. Jonathan had to sit at the head table with the rest of the bridal party, but she had sat nearby with his parents and grandparents and Hannah, of course. She’d often caught his eyes on her, especially if she laughed. And there was a lot to amuse her as the family was more than willing to share stories of Jonathan’s youth. During a lull in the festivities, she’d gone to the ladies’ room, and, as she knew Jonathan was watching her, she had ever-so-slightly exaggerated the sway of her hips. On her way back to the reception hall, he suddenly pulled her into a dark alcove.
“I have thirty seconds to kiss you before I’m expected to toast the happy couple,” Jonathan had murmured, his lips already descending to hers. As abruptly as the assault on her senses began, it was over and he was gone.