The Chalupa Conundrum

by Lyle Christie

  I therefore decided to get sneaky and headed off towards the noise, and, thankfully, the scant amount of moonlight coming through the jungle canopy above was just enough for me to utilize my specialized training that I’d received from both my karate sensei and special operations. Navigating uneven terrain silently was all about making each step with careful deliberation, and I only placed each foot down in places where it wouldn’t make any unnecessary noise. It was a wee bit slow going, but I was lucky because whoever was out here was moving towards the camp at a fairly relaxed pace. I soon caught up and spied three minions herding what I was fairly c certain was the UCLA team along a foot path. This time, however, I noticed that the minions carried assault rifles, so it would appear that King Chalupa had decided to modernize. As I moved closer, I was alarmed to hear Estelle’s voice.

  “Fuck off!” she said, angrily, a moment before a pained grunt escaped her lips as one of the minions gave her a hard push that nearly knocked her down.

  Mistake number one—hitting a woman. Mistake number two, and even worse than number one, was hitting a woman I cared about. I put my metaphorical crosshairs on the minion in the middle, the one who had pushed Estelle, and waited for my opportunity. It came only seconds later when he fell a few steps behind the others, and I closed the distance, and put him into a brutal choke hold. He struggled and desperately tried to alert his friends, but it was too late, and, after a couple tense seconds, he was out cold, and I was quietly placing him down on the ground. I grabbed the night vision goggles and slung his rifle over my shoulder, as I preferred to stick to the Beretta I’d stolen from Lars’s office, as its bullets were less likely to travel long distance and injure one of the friendlies out in the jungle. I set off and quietly hurried to catch up to the others, but, all of a sudden, the two other minions ordered everyone to stop, as they had realized that their friend was no longer part of the group.

  “Miguel! ¿dónde estás?” one of the minions called out.

  He was asking Miguel where he was.

  “Estoy aquí,” I responded, which meant right here.

  They both turned and looked in my direction, and their faux red eyes were peering directly at me. I couldn’t see their expressions behind their masks, but I was pretty sure they were surprised.

  “Soltar sus armas si quieres vivir!” I said, which basically meant drop your weapons if you want to live.

  I had the pistol aimed and ready to fire, and I was hopeful they wouldn’t be comfortable actually killing someone—namely me. That didn’t turn out to be the case, however, as both minions raised their rifles and prepared to fire. Why did they always choose the hard way?

  “Everyone down!” I yelled as I fired two shots center chest at the minion on the left.

  He called out in pain as he fell backwards and unintentionally fired off several shots into the air. Meanwhile, I had already turned my aim to minion two and was firing off two more similarly placed shots. He, like his friend, grunted loudly as he fell and was thankfully too overwhelmed with pain to fire his weapon. They were wearing bulletproof vests, so my shots had done nothing more than knock the wind out of them, and, perhaps if I were lucky, broken a few of their ribs. I closed the distance and took hold of their rifles while the group stood in stunned silence.

  “As I said earlier, Finn is basically James Bond,” Estelle said.

  “Oh, Finn! Thank God you’re alive!” Fabiana said, coming out of the darkness to wrap her arms around me.

  Bachué was next, and, while I couldn’t see Estelle’s expression very clearly in the darkness, I was damn sure she wasn’t too pleased, which, in turn, pleased me on a very immature and selfish level.

  “Alrighty then, let’s take what we can use and move on.”

  Estelle knew her way around a firearm, and, as I handed her one of the minion’s rifles, a brief second of panic overtook me as I pondered her using it to perhaps take a pot shot at my penis in order to punish me for my recent extreme bout of man-whoring. Luckily, she turned it around and kept it trained on the two minions while I searched them. I found two Walther P99 pistols and eight extra clips—four for the pistols and four for the rifles. Adding that to the bundle of booty I’d already commandeered, our little army was getting armed, and, combined with the night vision goggles, meant we were slowly increasing our strategic advantage in our fight for freedom. We used their belts and clothing to secure their hands, feet, and mouthes, then we donned their night vision goggles and headed off along the treacherously overgrown path.

  “So, do you have any idea if there are any other minions in the area?” I asked.

  “No, those three came out of nowhere and ambushed us on the road, and, even though we knew they were just guys in costumes, it was still a bit unnerving,” Estelle said.

  “Believe me, I understand. We had quite a time dealing with an entire gaggle of those fuckers the other night.”

  “Where do you think Lars and his other people are?” Thomas asked.

  “If we’re lucky, they’re trying to fix the drawbridge that allows access to the main road.”

  We continued on and finally reached the edge of the camp but heard noise behind us, and I turned to see more minions approaching. They were at least a hundred yards away and moving like a properly trained force, and I was getting a bad feeling that Lars’s private army had once been a real army.

  “Shit, I guess I didn’t slow them down enough. We need to find a more defensible position to wait for the cavalry,” I said.

  “What if the cavalry doesn’t come?” Estelle asked.

  “They’ll come—eventually.”

  “And if they don’t?”

  “Then we’ll have to possibly go out in a great blaze of glory, and, if so, we’ll probably all want to engage in some last minute end of life epic sex.”

  “That’s such a completely stupid statement that I’m not even going to justify it with a response,” Estelle said.

  “Well—technically, you just did.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  The Last Stand at the Sex Altar

  I THOUGHT ABOUT the layout of the area and surrounding hills and tried to come up with a place that might work as a defensible location. For a brief second I even thought about going inside the pyramid, but, that was their home turf, and some of their people might already be there. So, instead we would find high ground with an adequate view of all approaches, but that was tricky because the surrounding countryside was too dense with foliage to navigate quickly—especially while only three of us had the advantage of night vision goggles. That meant we needed a nearby place with quick and easy access, and I had just the perfect location.

  “I’ve got it! Come on, let’s go to the pyramid!”

  “You’re not thinking about going back inside are you?” Estelle asked.

  “Hell no! We need high ground, so we’re going to the top. You guys make a run for it, and I’ll cover your back.”

  This time, there were no arguments, and they headed off at a decent run, making their way into the ruin while I stayed put to take stock of our pursuers. They were still about a hundred yards away and were moving carefully now that they knew we were armed. Suddenly, a shot rang out, and a bullet pinged off the old stone wall beside me. Two could play at that game. I slipped off the goggles and brought up the rifle, and, utilizing its night vision scope, I sighted in on the minion I suspected to be the shooter then squeezed off a round. The shot hit him somewhere in the shoulder area and put him out of action. Payback was a bitch. The nearby minions came to his aid, and I used the moment to turn and run about a hundred feet before taking up a new firing position. There, I sighted in on another minion and fired, and, while it barely missed him, it at least it slowed them all down by forcing them to duck for cover. I turned and continued on and made it as far as the fountain before I turned and used the scope to search the surrounding countryside for a target, but this time I couldn’t find any asshole minions to shoot, so they were being careful, which also m
eant that they were scared.

  I ran the last fifty feet to reach the edge of the pyramid then started the grueling climb up its face. About halfway to the top, bullets started pinging off the stones around me, and I quickened my pace but also veered left and right at random intervals. A final wave of bullets came in as I crossed over the edge and dove into the recessed top of the pyramid, where I landed mostly unscathed except for a few scratches. I rolled to a stop on my back and watched as Estelle, Fabiana, and Bachué all raced over to check on me—which I found rather awesome in terms of my self-esteem. It was just too bad there was an army of blood thirsty mercenaries hot on my tail, or I might have placed this moment in my top ten life experiences as a man.

  “OK, we need to take up defensive positions. We have four angles of approach and six firearms, though I’m guessing any assault will come up the western side because it offers the most cover. Still, we’ll obviously keep a watch over every angle. Now, I know Estelle handle a firearm, but is there anyone else? I asked.

  They were all quiet.

  “Anyone?”

  “Sorry, we’re all academics here, and I, for one, am a pacifist,” Thomas said.

  “There’s nothing to be sorry about, but, seriously now, none of you have fired a gun before?”

  “I have,” Fabiana said, stepping forward.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, I grew up in São Paulo, Brazil—one of the most dangerous cities in the western hemisphere, and, as a model, I dealt with a lot of weirdos, so I got licensed to carry and use firearms.”

  “Perfect! Now we only need one more.”

  “Fuck it, I’ll do it,” Bachué said.

  Sweet mother of God, I had just assembled the single hottest fucking assault force of all time. It was just too bad Alessandra had ducked out on us, or it would be twenty-five percent hotter.

  “OK then, each of you needs to take a side while the rest take cover beside the sex alter. That’s where we make our final stand if they manage to reach the top, as it’ll provide decent cover and should suffice until help arrives.”

  “Do you think General Custer said the same thing?” Estelle asked.

  “Possibly, but he didn’t have sixteen PhD’s, a beautiful Chalupan girl, and a supermodel to back him up.”

  “True,” she said.

  Everyone fanned out and silently waited for about ten minutes before the first shot rang out. It came, as I suspected, from the western side, where one of the minions had taken up residence in the alcove that led to the door to the pyramid. I sighted in and fired, and the bullet landed a little low and shattered and peppered his body with fragments that sent him sprawling onto his back. I combed the area for my next target and saw a flash, and, a fraction of a second later, a bullet impacted just to my left. Time to move. I dropped back and moved along the top and found a new firing position and sighted in on the same guy. I nailed him square in the chest, though I wasn’t sure if the bullet penetrated his kevlar or not. Either way, it seemed to at least take him temporarily out of the game, though it also served to make the entire group of minions angry, and it was as though I’d kicked a hornet’s nest, for they all began firing. Even worse was that they were now using the brutal fusillade of bullets as covering fire to move up the pyramid.

  “I have at least two guys coming up my side!” Bachué yelled.

  “Me too,” Estelle said, a second before firing off a quick burst from her rifle.

  “Same here,” Fabiana said, before also firing off a burst.

  I took a moment and fired several two-round bursts to temporarily slow the advance on my side before retreating back over the edge.

  “OK, let’s fall back to the sex alter!”

  Everyone moved to the center of the pyramid and took up position within the small walled-in area. It wasn’t great, but it was highly defensible, and anyone hoping to reach us would endure heavy casualties until they either killed us or called off the attack. All I could hope was that fucking Doug and Beeber were not playing a video game and instead were checking their email and alerting the authorities.

  We all watched and waited, and I imagined this what it was like for the soldiers manning the trenches during the Great War. Then, like now, it would come down to attrition. How many people would our enemy be willing to sacrifice. I therefore listened carefully and heard as they scrambled up to the outer rim and took up positions. I popped up and fired at the nearest person, and he immediately fell back. I repeated it in every direction until my clip was empty, then I dropped back down and slid in a fresh one and waited for the right moment to pop up and repeat the process. Suddenly, I heard a strange affected sounding voice and quickly realized it was fucking King Chalupa, or should I say Lars Von Träger.

  “You’re surrounded. There’s no need to continue the fight, but you can still come out of this alive,” he said.

  I popped my head up, and standing at the rim of the pyramid, not twenty feet away, was Lars, and he was fully decked out in his King Chalupa costume.

  “I don’t think your costume offers the same protection as your minions. You might want to consider a larger loin cloth and perhaps one that’s also bulletproof.”

  “I’m serious! This is your last chance,” he said, sounding mildly comical as he continued to try and disguise his voice by speaking in that guttural, batman-esque tone.

  I whispered for Fabiana to switch weapons with me as her pistol would be better for what I needed to do.

  “Look, asshole, I’m serious when I say that none of us are going to trust you,” I responded.

  “Then you’ll die up here.”

  “Then we’ll all die up here together,” I said, raising the pistol and taking aim.

  “How dare you defy me on my own temple!” he bellowed as he raised his ceremonial scepter into the air.

  His light blue eyes were blazing with fury beneath his mask, and it was clear the money and costume had gone to Lars’s head, so I was pretty sure he needed a show of actual earthly force. I squeezed off a round, and the bullet struck the metal blade of his scepter and nearly knocked it from his hand. Needless to say, he immediately retreated back over the lip of the pyramid.

  “Now what?” Thomas asked.

  “We wait.”

  Five minutes passed, and we heard a new voice. It wasn’t Lars’s, but it was familiar nonetheless, and I searched my memory and tried to picture the face. Suddenly, recognition dawned, and I popped my head up to look, and, there, dressed in khaki shorts and shirt, was none other than Dean Donald Delany.

  “Hello, Donald. What in the hell brings you all the way up here?” I asked.

  I could hear my comrades whispering amongst themselves, as they were all curious how the dean of their department back at UCLA had suddenly appeared in the middle of a firefight on top of the Chalupan pyramid.

  “I’m here to bring my people home.”

  “Really? Because your timing seems pretty unlikely.”

  The team, excited to hear the voice of their glorious department head, stood up to feast their eyes on his unlikely visage, and he smiled and regarded them warmly.

  “I’m so glad to see you’re all OK,” he said.

  The team started ambling over towards Donald, but I was getting a bad feeling and stayed exactly where I was and watched as Thomas and Donald hugged.

  “Donald, how the hell did you get past Lars’s people?” Thomas asked.

  “It’s not important, but what is important is that you all come with me right now.”

  Fabiana, who, along with Bachué, had stayed with me, whispered in my ear.

  “I don’t trust him,” she said.

  “Yeah, neither do I, and, unless he’s got Harry Potter’s magical cloak or has secretly been trained as a fucking ninja, he’s somehow involved with Von Träger. Unfortunately, the UCLA team is a little too trusting of Triple D.”

  My head was spinning, and I needed to do a quick risk assessment as well as a rethinking of my Chalupa conundrum. That entail
ed reevaluating my opinion of Dean Donald Delany. I created a mental schematic of all the facts that I had thus far uncovered then thought about the missing pieces. All of a sudden, as if struck by lightening, realization dawned, and I decided I better educate the team, though I imagine it was going to be hard for them to believe.

  “I’m sorry to have to tell you all this, but Donald is not the knight in shining armor you think he is. His appearance here is just a bullshit ploy to get everyone out in the open.”

  “Stay out of this, Finn! You’ve done enough, and now I’m here to clean up your mess!” Donald said, testily.

  Mess indeed, as I now realized that Donald was one of the puppet masters behind this devious plot, and things were finally starting to make sense now that the people who had been lurking in the shadows were rearing their ugly heads.

  “I know none of you want to believe this, but Donald is also one of the bad guys.”

  “Tag, he’s the dean of our department,” Estelle said.

  “And the man who hired me to find you, but, as hard as it is to accept, I believe he and Lars are the masterminds who engineered your kidnapping.”

  “That can’t be true!” Estelle pleaded.

  “I‘m afraid it is, and I have some compelling evidence to back up my theory.”

  “Such as?” Thomas asked.

  “Firstly, your beloved dean is a senior member of the Costa Rican Board of Antiquities and one of only five people with the authority to override and amend one of their contracts.”

  “So,” Estelle said.

  “So, as you already know, I found a copy of the new Chalupa Heritage Site contract in Lars’s office, and I’m about a hundred percent sure that Dean Donald here is the guy who created and authorized that amended contract, and, assuming I’m correct, it means that he was one of the key people behind stowing you all away beneath the pyramid.”

  “How can you be sure?” Thomas asked.

  “Well, I wasn’t until he showed up here tonight, but that was pretty much all I needed to make the final connection.”