ARTHUR: It looks a hell of a lot better than that dingy Vogon ship. This is my idea of a spaceship, all gleaming white, flashing lights, everything. What happens if I press this button?
FORD: I wouldn’t . . .
F/X: ALMOST SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH FORD SAYING ‘I WOULDN’T’ ELECTRONIC BEEP
ARTHUR: Oh.
FORD: What happened?
ARTHUR: A sign lit up saying ‘Please do not press this button again’.
FORD: They make a big thing of the ship’s cybernetics. ‘A new generation of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation robots and computers, with the new GPP feature.’
ARTHUR: GPP? What’s that?
FORD: Er . . . It says Genuine People Personalities.
ARTHUR: Sounds ghastly.
F/X: DOOR HUMS OPEN WITH A SORT OF OPTIMISTIC SOUND
MARVIN: It is.
ARTHUR: W . . . What?
MARVIN: Ghastly. It all is – absolutely ghastly. Just don’t even talk about it. Look at this door. ‘All the doors in this spacecraft have a cheerful and sunny disposition. It is their pleasure to open for you, and their satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done!’
F/X: DOOR CLOSES WITH A SATISFIED SIGH
MARVIN: Hateful, isn’t it? Come on I’ve been ordered to take you up to the Bridge. Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they tell me to take you up to the Bridge. Call that job satisfaction? ’Cause I don’t.
FORD: Excuse me, which government owns this ship?
MARVIN: You watch this door. It’s about to open again. I can tell by the intolerable air of smugness it suddenly generates.
MARVIN: Come on.
F/X: DOOR OPENS AND SAYS ‘GLAD TO BE OF SERVICE!’
MARVIN: Thank you, the Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
F/X: DOOR CLOSES SAYING ‘YOU’RE WELCOME’
FORD: Which government owns this ship?
MARVIN: ‘Let’s build robots with Genuine People Personalities’ they said. So they tried it out with me. I’m a personality prototype. You can tell, can’t you?
FORD: (Embarrassed) Er . . .
MARVIN: I hate that door. I’m not getting you down am I?
FORD: Which government owns this ship?
MARVIN: No government owns it. It’s been stolen.
FORD AND ARTHUR: Stolen?
MARVIN: (Sarcastically imitating them) ‘Stolen?’
FORD: Who by?
MARVIN: Zaphod Beeblebrox.
FORD: (Extremely astonished) Zaphod Beeblebrox?
MARVIN: Sorry did I say something wrong? Pardon me for breathing – which I never do anyway so I don’t know why I bother to say it, oh God I’m so depressed. Here’s another of those self-satisfied doors. Life, don’t talk to me about life . . .
(Fading out)
ARTHUR: No one even mentioned it.
FORD: Really, Zaphod Beeblebrox?
F/X: ON THE BRIDGE. THE FOLLOWING IS OBVIOUSLY HEARD ON A RADIO. WE CAN HEAR ZAPHOD AND TRILLIAN REACTING WITH THE OCCASIONAL LAUGH
RADIO: . . . and news reports brought to you here on the sub-ether wave band, broadcasting around the Galaxy around the clock. And we’ll be saying a big hello to all intelligent life forms everywhere . . . and to everyone else out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys. And of course, the big news story tonight is the sensational theft of the new Improbability Drive prototype ship, by none other than Zaphod Beeblebrox. And the question everyone’s asking is . . . has the Big Z finally flipped? Beeblebrox, the man who invented the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, ex-confidence trickster, part-time Galactic President, once described by Eccentrica Gallumbits as the Best Bang since the Big One, and recently voted the Worst Dressed Sentient Being in the Universe for the seventh time running . . . has he got an answer this time? We asked his private brain care specialist, Gag Halfrunt.
GAG HALFRUNT: Well look, Zaphod’s just this guy you know . . .
F/X: RADIO SWITCHED OFF
ZAPHOD: What did you turn it off for Trillian?
TRILLIAN: Zaphod, I’ve just thought of something.
ZAPHOD: Yeah?
TRILLIAN: We picked those couple of guys up in sector . . . Zaphod, please take your hand off me. And the other one. Thank you and the other one.
ZAPHOD: I grew that one specially for you, Trillian, you know that? Took me six months but it was worth every minute.
TRILLIAN: . . . We picked them up in Sector ZZ9 plural Z alpha. Does that mean anything to you?
ZAPHOD: On the whole, no.
TRILLIAN: It’s where you originally picked me up. Let me show it to you on the screen.
F/X: ELECTRONICS
TRILLIAN: Right there.
ZAPHOD: Hey, right. I don’t believe it. How the hell did we come to be there?
TRILLIAN: Improbability Drive. We pass through every point in the Universe, you know that.
ZAPHOD: Yes, but picking them up there is just too strange a coincidence. I want to work this out. Computer!
EDDIE THE COMPUTER: (Bright, brash, mid atlantic) Hi there!
ZAPHOD: Oh God.
COMPUTER: I want you to know that whatever your problem, I am here to help you solve it.
ZAPHOD: Er, look, I think I’ll just use a piece of paper.
COMPUTER: Sure thing, I understand. If you ever need . . .
ZAPHOD: Shut up!
COMPUTER: OK, OK . . .
ZAPHOD: Trillian, listen. The ship picked them up all by itself, right?
TRILLIAN: Right.
ZAPHOD: So that already gives us a high improbability factor. It picked them up in that particular space sector, which gives us another high improbability factor. Plus – they were not wearing spacesuits, so we picked them up during a crucial thirty second period.
TRILLIAN: I’ve got a note of that factor here.
ZAPHOD: Put it all together and we have a total improbability of. . . well, it’s pretty vast but it’s not infinite. At what point did we actually pick them up?
TRILLIAN: At infinite improbability level.
ZAPHOD: Which leaves us a very large improbability gap still to be filled. Look, they’re on their way up here now aren’t they, with that bloody robot? Can we pick them up on any monitor cameras?
TRILLIAN: I should think so.
F/X: ELECTRONIC SWITCHES. WE OVERHEAR A SNATCH OF DIALOGUE FROM FORD, ARTHUR AND MARVIN OVER A SMALL SPEAKER
MARVIN: . . . and then of course I’ve got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my leftside . . .
ARTHUR: Is that so?
MARVIN: Oh yes. I mean I’ve asked for them to be replaced but no one ever listens . . .
ARTHUR: I can imagine.
TRILLIAN: (Slightly excited) Oh God, I don’t believe it . . .
FORD: (To himself) Well, well, well, Zaphod Beeblebrox.
ZAPHOD: (Wildly excited) I don’t believe it! This is just too amazing! Look, Trillian, I’ll just handle this . . . is anything wrong?
TRILLIAN: I think I’ll just wait in the cabin. I’ll be back in a minute.
ZAPHOD: Oh, this is going to be great. I’m going to be so unbelievably cool about it it would flummox a Vegan Snow Lizard. This is terrific. What real cool. Several million points out of ten for style.
TRILLIAN: Well, you enjoy yourself, Zaphod. I don’t see what’s so great myself. I’ll go and listen for the police on the sub-ether wave band. (She exits)
ZAPHOD: Right. Which is the most nonchalant chair to be discovered working at. O.K.
F/X: DOOR OPENS SAYING ‘GLAD TO BE OF SERVICE’
MARVIN: I suppose you’ll want to see the aliens now. Do you want me to sit in a corner and rust or just fall apart where I’m standing?
ZAPHOD: Show them in please, Marvin. (Then with great cool) Ford, hi, how are you? Glad you could drop in.
FORD: (Trying to out-cool him) Zaphod, great to see you, you’re looking well. The extra arm suits you. Nice ship you’ve stolen.
ARTHUR: (Astonished) You mean you know th
is guy?
FORD: Know him! He’s . . . Oh, Zaphod, this is a friend of mine, Arthur Dent. I saved him when his planet blew up.
ZAPHOD: Oh sure, hi, Arthur, glad you could make it.
FORD: And, Arthur, this is my . . .
ARTHUR: (Sharply) We’ve met.
FORD: (Astonished) What?
ZAPHOD: (Guilty start of surprise) Oh, er . . . have we? Hey . . .
FORD: What do you mean you’ve met? This is Zaphod Beeblebrox from Betelgeuse Five you know, not bloody Martin Smith from Croydon.
ARTHUR: I don’t care, we’ve met, haven’t we Zaphod, or should I say, Phil?
FORD: What?
ZAPHOD: You’ll have to remind me, I’ve a terrible memory for species. Hey, Ford . . .
ARTHUR: (Doggedly) It was at a party.
ZAPHOD: I rather doubt it.
FORD: Cool it will you, Arthur?
ARTHUR: A party six months ago, on Earth, England, London.
ZAPHOD: Er . . .
ARTHUR: Islington.
ZAPHOD: Oh, er . . . that party.
FORD: Zaphod, you don’t mean to say you’ve been on that miserable little planet as well, do you?
ZAPHOD: No, of course not. Well, I may just have dropped in briefly . . . on my way somewhere.
FORD: What is all this, Arthur?
ARTHUR: At this party there was a girl. I’d had my eye on her for weeks . . . beautiful, charming, devastatingly intelligent, everything I’d been saving myself up for, and just when I’d finally managed to get her for myself for a few tender moments this friend of yours barges up and says ‘Hey doll, is this guy boring you, come and talk to me, I’m from a different planet’. I never saw her again.
FORD: Zaphod?
ARTHUR: Yes, he only had the two arms and the one head and he called himself Phil, but . . .
F/X: DOOR OPENS
TRILLIAN: . . . but you must admit that he did actually turn out to be from a different planet, Arthur.
ARTHUR: Good God, it’s her! Tricia McMillan, what are you doing here?
TRILLIAN: Same as you, Arthur, I hitched a ride. After all, with a degree in maths and another in astrophysics it was either that or back to the dole queue on Monday. Sorry I missed that Wednesday lunch date, but I was in a black hole all morning.
ZAPHOD: Oh God . . . Ford. This is Trillian, hi, Trillian, this is my semi-cousin Ford, who shares three of the same mothers as me, hi. Trillian, is this sort of thing going to happen every time we use the Infinite Improbability Drive?
TRILLIAN: Very probably I’m afraid.
ZAPHOD: Zaphod Beeblebrox, this is a very large drink. Hi.
NARRATOR: Will our heroes be able to enjoy a nice, relaxed evening at last? How will they cope with their new social roles? Will they survive the deadly missile attack which is launched on them three minutes into the next episode? Find out in next week’s exciting instalment of the Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
GRAMS: SIG. JOURNEY OF THE SORCERER
ANNOUNCER: And that programme will be repeated through a time warp on the BBC Home Service in 1951.
EDDIE THE COMPUTER: Hi there, this is Eddie your shipboard computer, and I just want to mention here that we are now moving into orbit around the legendary planet of Magrathea. Sorry to interrupt your social evening. Have a good time.
FOOTNOTES
This show was produced on 23 November 1977, and I took over as producer from here on, since Simon Brett had departed for London Weekend Television. I felt very much as if I was going in at the deep end, having little idea of how the shows were going to develop. But I was consoled by the fact that over a vigorous Greek meal the night before the recording Douglas admitted that he had no more idea than I had. Paddy Kingsland had also departed on attachment to the BBC children’s department which he must have regarded as a step up from Hitch-Hiker’s! For the rest of the first series the Radiophonic effects and voice treatments were provided by Dick Mills with the assistance of Harry Parker. The programmes were made in the Paris studio by Alick Hale-Munro and his crack team of hardened drinkers.
Marvin has probably become the most popular character to appear in the Guide, going on to make his own disco record and have his own Depreciation society which can be found at 2, Whitchurch Lane E1. It’s curious to think that originally he was only intended to appear in this one episode, since Douglas was of the opinion that we’d done the joke of the depressed robot and should now press on to other wilder and more wonderful jokes. He probably became a regular character because of Stephen Moore’s superb performance, so it seems important to note here that while you can make a voice sound like a robot by putting it through a harmonizer and give it a downward inflection to help it sound miserable, none of this adds up to much without the actor’s performance. All the technical jiggery pokery can do is give the whole thing a bit of gloss. Originally the character was called Marshall, since he was heavily based on Andrew Marshall (about whom see Douglas’s introduction). The name was changed in case it sounded too much like a character out of a Western. Andrew Marshall himself is based on Eeyore in Winnie-the-Pooh, who is in turn based on . . . and so on back to the creation. Marvin’s hissing and clanking walk was provided from various bits of machinery and kept on a little loop of tape which was forever being lost or accidentally trodden on, something Marvin would no doubt have appreciated.
Trillian was played by Susan Sheridan and the name was chosen because, in Douglas’ words ‘it was a nickname that also sounded like an alien name’. In earlier drafts the character was called Goophic, before that Smoodle and before that she was a man!
Eddie the Computer was a mixture of a ring modulator, an ordinary teleprinter and David Tate. David is one of the most versatile voice-over people in the country, and proved invaluable in a series which required hundreds of talking computers, lifts, robots and mice.
Mark Wing-Davey thinks he may have been cast as Zaphod Beeblebrox because of a lingering reputation as a university hippy, but it probably had more to do with seeing him in the role of a disreputable media trendy in the TV show ‘The Glittering Prizes’. Mark remembers that he was originally booked for just one episode, with the possibility of another. This had nothing to do with doubts about his ability to play the part, it was simply that the shows were being written as we went along and we had no idea which characters would survive into another episode.
The line about his extra head was put in as little extra throwaway joke which was to cause enormous headaches (sic) when the show transferred to television. The extra head cost about twice as much as Mark himself (though he thinks that was fair enough because it gave a better performance than he did!) In fact much of the time the head didn’t function properly and used to loll on his shoulder looking up at him, often ending up being operated by a man with his hand up Mark’s back.
Bill Wallis had to dip into his memory bag to recreate Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, and David Tate doubled up as the Vogon Guard.
Ford meeting Zaphod
Many people have asked me angrily why it is that Zaphod Beeblebrox instantly greets Ford as Ford when I had earlier stated quite clearly that he had only changed his name to Ford Prefect when he came to Earth.
It was very simple. Just before arriving he registered his new name officially at the Galactic Nomenclaturoid Office, where they had the technology to unpick his old name from the fabric of space/time and thread the new one in its place, so that to all intents and purposes his name always had been and always would be Ford Prefect. I included a footnote explaining this in the first Hitch-Hiker book, but it was cut because it was so dull. [DNA]
The bizarre appearance of the word ‘Shrubbery’ (page 35) has no bearing whatsoever on the script. It was simply a note I scribbled in the margin (which was then conscientiously typed up in the script) observing a passing similarity to the moment in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where the Knights of Ni ask Arthur to bring them a shrubbery. We were all surprised to see it appear, as I am sure you are now.
&
nbsp; With relation to the effects note on page 40, more than a little time was spent and needless to say it was of absolutely no use in the future. Suffice it to say that the time originally allocated for making the effects for the entire show was spent on this one effect, and is full of lots of little things which probably seemed terribly interesting at the time but which are now impossible to recognize.
Douglas has added the following note on the Improbability Drive itself.
The Improbability Drive
This came about through watching a TV programme about Judo.
Since I had no grand plan in writing Hitch-Hiker’s but was simply making it up as I went along, I often painted myself into the most terrible corners. At one point I had carelessly thought that it might be fun to have Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect thrown out of the airlock of a Vogon ship without spacesuits, just to see what would happen. Unfortuanately, of course, if anything was going to happen, I was going to have to think of it. I got very stuck.
Every way out of the corner seemed to amount to nothing more than ‘with one bound Jack was free’ – which was a cop-out. There’s no point in making a big song and dance about what a terrible predicament your characters are in if you just cheat your way out of it.
I began to think that maybe we could just finish the series there and perhaps play light music for the remaining four and a half episodes which would save a lot of time and headaches all round, but not – and here was the crunch – pay my rent. They had to be rescued.
The problem was the sheer improbability of every solution I came up with. This was where the judo programme that you were beginning to wonder if I had forgotten about came into it.
If you have a problem, said the instructor on the programme, such as for instance a nineteen stone Jap in pyjamas trying to beat you into a pulp, the trick is to use this problem to solve itself. If you can trip or throw or deflect the Jap as he hurtles towards you, then the fact that he weighs nineteen stone quickly becomes his worry instead of yours.
So – I thought – if my problem is one of improbability, let’s use Improbability to solve the problem, so just for the heck of it I invented the Infinite Improbability Drive, and gave myself a whole new thing to write about. If you can’t see precisely how that connects to nineteen stone Japanese men in pyjamas, then I have to confess that that’s worrying me too at the moment. (DNA)
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Original Radio Scripts Page 6