FORD: Forty eight seconds.
Z B IV: So you see young Zaphod, when thinking of ways to describe what you are making of your life, I find the phrase ‘pig’s ear’ tends to spring to mind.
ZAPHOD: Yeah, but hey man . . .
Z B IV: I wish you wouldn’t speak like that. Zaphod, you became President for a reason. Have you forgotten?
ZAPHOD: Yeah, of course I forgot. I had to forget. They screeen your brain when you get the job you know. If they’d found my head full of subversion I’d have been right back out on the streets with nothing but a fat pension, secretarial staff, a fleet of ships and a couple of slit throats.
Z B IV: Ah, you do remember then?
ZAPHOD: Yeah, yeah. I came to myself in this dream. It’s all cool you know.
Z B IV: Did you find Zarniwoop?
ZAPHOD: Ah, well . . .
Z B IV: Yes?
ZAPHOD: No, I more sort of didn’t.
Z B IV: Did you find Roosta?
ZAPHOD: Oh yeah, yeah, I found Roosta.
Z B IV: And?
ZAPHOD: OK so I lost him again.
Z B IV: Zaphod, the only reason I think I waste my breath on you is that being dead I don’t have any other use for it.
ZAPHOD: Hey listen, you know you’re talking to the only guy ever to come out of the Total Perspective Vortex? Only the most important dude in the Universe.
Z B IV: Could be, Zaphod, only could be. Only if you do your job, and find out who or what really is running everything, who you were fronting for.
ZAPHOD: Just wish I knew why it was important.
Z B IV: Because there’s a lot of people wanting to have a word with him. I don’t suppose for a moment you’re capable of succeeding. The only reason I’m going to help you now is that I couldn’t bear the thought of you and your modern friends slouching about up here. Understood?
ZAPHOD: Oh, er yeah, thanks a bundle.
Z B IV: Oh, and Zaphod . . .
ZAPHOD: Er, yeah?
Z B IV: If ever you find you need help again, you know, if you’re in trouble, need a hand out of a tight corner . . .
ZAPHOD: Yeah?
Z B IV: Please don’t hesitate to get lost.
F/X: UNEARTHLY PHONE SLAMMED DOWN. QUICK BIT OF DIALLING CHANT
FORD: Family’s always embarrassing isn’t it?
EDDIE: (Particularly bright and breezy this time) Hi there, this is Eddie your shipboard computer right back in here, and I got to tell you guys that if we don’t move out of here within . . . let’s see now, something of the order of . . . well by the time I’ve finished working this out taking trajectory distortion and the space time curve into account it’ll be three seconds less, so let’s say a cheerful round number like twenty seconds, within, well it’s nearer eighteen seconds now, and by the time I’ve finished saying what I’m saying now it will be sixteen seconds . . . we’re all going to be goners!
FORD: Computer – you’re working again!
EDDIE: Oh sure. This unearthly voice came and solved my problem for me – why someone should want to drink dried leaves in boiling water. Answer: Because he’s an ignorant monkey who doesn’t know better. Cute eh?
ARTHUR: Listen, you malfunctioning mess of microchips . . .
EDDIE: Hi there!
ZAPHOD: Computer! Drive us out of here. Now! Maximum improbability!
EDDIE: What? Oh yeah, sure thing.
F/X: MASSIVE WHOOSH OF STRANGE AND WEIRD NOISES AS THE SHIP IMPROBS OUT
GRAMS: JOURNEY OF THE SORCERER
NARRATOR: Will our heroes start living more useful and constructive lives as a result of this little talking to?
Will it turn out that the reason why Gag Halfrunt has hired the Vogons to destroy first the Earth and then Arthur Dent is that if the Ultimate Question is ever found, the Universe will suddenly become a good and happy place and all the psychiatrists will suddenly be out of a job?
Will all sorts of totally amazing things happen when the Heart of Gold arrives on the planet Brontitall?
Find out in the next strangely incomprehensible episode of The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
ANNOUNCER: Tea is now obtainable from most Megamarkets in a variety of easy-to-swallow capsules.
FOOTNOTES
Two goes were also needed to finish this show, on 14 and 23 November (not forgetting the earlier cancellation of a planned recording on 11 July). Fortunately we managed to record the rest of the shows in one go.
Bill Wallis returned as the Vogon Captain, David Tate was the Vogon Guard and the Vogon Computer and Stephen Moore was the other Vogon Guard and Gag Halfrunt (who was not, as one listener thought, based on the television scientist Heinz Woolf).
Leueen Willoughby was the Nutrimat Machine and the late Richard Goolden, perhaps most famous as Mole in Toad of Toad Hall, was Zaphod Beeblebrox the Fourth.
With regard to this questioning of the necessity of the Vogons destroying the Earth one listener wrote ‘The Earth does not have to be destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass as hyperspace is a realm which does not exist in the Universe. Therefore the Earth would not get in the way. I suppose it was probably demolished to build a sub-light interchange and service station?’ This interesting theory is, of course, disproved by later events.
‘Share and Enjoy’ was Douglas’ counterpoint to certain meaningless catchphrases such as ‘Have a Nice Day’ which are often used by people just after they have been terribly rude to you.
The sequence of the robots singing ‘Share and Enjoy’ was the subject of a BBC Television programme on the making of the radio show, somewhat embarrassingly because it was one of the occasions when we were just not able to create exactly what Douglas wanted. The problem was one of accumulating impossibilities. It is impossible to have two million people singing anything and still make out what they are singing. It is even more impossible if these two million are robots who are going to be hard to understand anyway. And when it comes to having them singing a tone flat as well then impossible is no longer a strong enough word and we have to resort to being about as likely as being able to extract sunbeams from cucumbers.
In fact the two million robots were finally represented by half a dozen people pulled in from the corridors of the Radiophonic Workshop.
The method used for making the dialling chant is the basis of much of the Radiophonic Workshop (although Robert Fripp has later tried to claim it as his own by calling it Frippatronics). It uses two tape recorders with the tape fed through the first machine and, instead of lacing it up to the take up spool, the tape is fed on to the take up spool of the second machine. The sound is then recorded on the first machine and played back two seconds later. If the process is continuous the original voice gets added to by the delayed sound so that, when you change notes the original notes are still there. The whole thing then builds up into a mysterious harmony, or (if you happen to sing a bum note) into a horrible noise.
The final whooshing noise was made by scraping a razor blade across the wound strings of the previously much abused Beckstein piano.
FIT THE TENTH
In which our heroes have some close encounters with others and themselves.
ARTHUR: It’s not a question of whose habitat it is, it’s a question of how hard you hit it.
GRAMS: NARRATOR BACKGROUND
NARRATOR: Arthur Dent, a man whose planet has been blown up, has been having a remarkable effect on the Universe. And the most remarkable thing about this is that the only remarkable thing about him as a person is that he is remarkably unremarkable – in all respects other than that of having had his planet blown up.
And this, of course, is the nub of the matter, because most of the things which stir the Universe up in anyway are caused by dispossessed people. There are two ways of accounting for this. One is to say that if everyone just sat at home nothing would ever happen. This is very simple.
The other is to say – as Oolon Colluphid has at great length in his book ‘Everything You Always Wanted
To Know About Guilt, But Were Too Ashamed To Ask’ – that every being in the Universe is tied to his birthplace by tiny invisible force tendrils composed of little quantum packets of guilt. If you travel far from your birthplace, these tendrils get stretched and distorted.
This compares with an ancient Arcturan proverb. However fast the body travels, the soul travels at the speed of an Arcturan Megacamel. This would mean, in these days of hyperspace and Improbability Drive that most people’s souls are wandering unprotected in deep space in a state of some confusion, and this would account for a lot of things.
Similarly, if your birthplace is actually destroyed – or in Arthur Dent’s case demolished, ostensibly to make way for a new hyperspace bypass – then these tendrils are severed and flap about at random: there are no people to be fed or whales to be saved, there is no washing up to be done.
And these flapping tendrils of guilt can seriously disturb the space time continuum. We have already seen how Arthur inadvertently caused war between the G’Gugvunts and the Vl’Hurgs. We shall shortly see how it is directly attributable to this thoroughly unremarkable Earthman that the Heart of Gold, escaping from the Vogons on Improbability Drive, has now materialized in a highly mysterious cave, on the even more mysterious planet Brontitall.
F/X: IMPROBABILITY DRIVE GRINDING TO A HALT
GRAMS: HEART OF GOLD BRIDGE BACKGROUND
EDDIE: Improbability factor of one to one. Normality is restored. We seem to be in some kind of cave guys. Do you like caves? There’s something very strange about this one.
ZAPHOD: Caves are cool. Let’s get out there and relate to it.
EDDIE: This one’s very cool. And you know that gives me pause for thought because the planet Brontitall, which is where I think we are, is meant to have a warm rich atmosphere.
FORD: Perhaps we’re on a mountain.
EDDIE: No. No mountains on Brontitall.
FORD: Well let’s get out and see. I’m hungry for a little action.
ARTHUR: In a cave?
EDDIE: On Brontitall? Hsssthhh. (i.e. sharp intake of breath)
FORD: Yeah, in a cave, wherever. You make your own action.
ZAPHOD: Sling open the hatch computer.
EDDIE: Er, OK.
F/X: HATCH OPENING . . .
EDDIE: (Over F/X) You go out and have a good time and I’m sure that everything will be just hunky dory. Ho hum.
FORD: Bring the robot, Arthur.
MARVIN: I’m quite capable of bringing myself.
FORD: (Under his breath) We might be able to bury him somewhere.
F/X: THEY WALK OUT
EDDIE: (Musing to himself) Thin cold air. Mmm . . . No mountains. Hmmmm. Check altitude. Hmmm . . .! Hey guys! You may be interested to know that though this cave is not in a mountain, it is thirteen miles above ground level. Hello? Oh well. They’ll find out. Ho hum. (Fade)
F/X: FADE UP INTERIOR OF LARGE ECHOEY CAVE. IT IS VERY COLD
ZAPHOD: Wee hoo! Hey, what a cave man! Hey . . . we could really . . . (He runs out of sentence)
ARTHUR: We could really what?
ZAPHOD: We could really, you know . . . be in this cave.
ARTHUR: We are in this cave.
ZAPHOD: And what a wild cave to be in. Wee hoo! What a great cave hey Ford?
FORD: Really amazing walls. Pure white rock.
ARTHUR: Marble.
MARVIN: I’ve worked out that if I stick my left arm in my right ear I can electrocute myself.
FORD: What?
MARVIN: Terminally.
FORD: Is that so.
MARVIN: I can do it at a moment’s notice. Just say the word.
FORD: Just cool it Marvin?
MARVIN: I think I’ll go and hide.
F/X: MARVIN STOMPS OFF . . .
ARTHUR: Why are we here?
FORD: Now don’t you start as well.
ARTHUR: I mean in this cave.
FORD: Why? Doesn’t matter. Improbability Drive.
ARTHUR: Strange shape. The mouth is perfectly circular. Can you see anything in the distance?
FORD: Only sky.
ARTHUR: Must be on a hill. I’ll go and take a look out.
FORD: OK.
ARTHUR: By the way, did you hear the computer calling us just before the hatch closed?
FORD: Oh screw the computer. I hope it gets plugrot.
ARTHUR: Probably not important. I’ll be back in a minute. (Walks off on that line)
FORD: Fine. Zaphod? How you doing?
ZAPHOD: (Approaching) Freezing man. Every time I breathe out I need an ice pick to get through it.
FORD: Yeah. Strange that. The computer said it was meant to have a warm rich atmosphere here.
ZAPHOD: Yeah, did you hear the computer calling after we left?
FORD: No.
ZAPHOD: Probably imagined it.
FORD: No, Arthur thought he heard it as well.
ZAPHOD: Yeah? Well I must have imagined it then.
FORD: Strange cave this isn’t it?
ZAPHOD: Hey, it’s really weird.
FORD: Did you hear a noise just then?
ZAPHOD: A noise?
ZAPHOD: No. (Calls) Arthur?
ZAPHOD: Doesn’t seem to be about.
FORD: Oh, well I just wondered if he’d heard it.
ZAPHOD: Doesn’t sound like he did.
FORD: No.
ZAPHOD: Hey, this rock . . .
FORD: Marble . . .
ZAPHOD: Marble . . .
FORD: Ice-covered marble . . .
ZAPHOD: Right . . . it’s as slippery as . . . as . . . What’s the slipperiest thing you can think of?
FORD: At the moment? This marble.
ZAPHOD: Right. This marble is as slippery as this marble.
F/X: ZAPHOD STUMBLES AND SLIDES . . .
FORD: Zaphod.
ZAPHOD: (As he slides – we’ll have to make a very graphic sound effect as I’ve spent the last half-hour trying to come up with a line which says I’m sliding along the ice’, but haven’t got one)
Weeeee hoooooo . . . ahhhhh . . .
(The point of that last bit of deathless writing is that Zaphod enjoys the slide for a couple of seconds, and then gets alarmed as he sees the entrance coming up with nothing beyond it. Convey that, Mark, if you will/can! . . .)
F/X: HARSH SCRAPING SOUND ON THE ICE AS ZAPHOD DESPERATELY TRIES TO STOP HIMSELF. HE STOPS
ZAPHOD: Holy Zarquon’s singing fish!!!
FORD: (At a distance) What?
(This conversation is shouted above increased wind noise . . .)
ZAPHOD: There’s nothing out there Ford! Like, no ground! Some cat’s taken the ground away!
FORD: Holy Zarquon’s what?
ZAPHOD: There’s no ground, Ford! We’re miles up in the air!
FORD: Did you say fish?
ZAPHOD: Singing fish!
FORD: Where?
ZAPHOD: It’s just an expression! Holy Zarquon’s singing fish!
FORD: It must be a highly specialized expression then.
ZAPHOD: What?
FORD: Very specific. Not very handy in general usage.
ZAPHOD: I can’t get a grip on the ice to crawl back. I’m going to fall into nowhere . . .
FORD: I know! I’m trying not to think about it! I get very nervous in these situations! I don’t think I can do anything to help you.
ZAPHOD: What?!
FORD: Arthur and Mervin must have gone over. You’re going to go over, and I can’t reach you without going over myself. I’m sorry. I feel rather guilty about this, but can we talk about something else? Where does the expression Holy Zarquon’s singing fish come from? What’s it’s derivation?
ZAPHOD: Ford!!
FORD: Zaphod, haven’t you got any intellectual curiosity at all?
GRAMS: NARRATOR BACKGROUND
NARRATOR: It is often said that a disproportionate obsession with purely academic or abstract matters indicates a retreat from the problems of real life.
However, most o
f the people engaged in such matters say that this attitude is based on three things – ignorance, stupidity and nothing else.
Philosophers for example argue that they are very much concerned with the problems posed by ‘real life’: like for instance ‘What do we mean by real?’ and ‘How can we reach an empirical definition of life?’ and so on.
One definition of life, albeit not a particularly useful one, might run something like this: ‘Life is that property which a being will lose as a result of falling out of a cold and mysterious cave thirteen miles above ground level’.
This is not a useful definition a) because it could equally well refer to the subject’s glasses if he happens to be wearing them, and b) because it fails to take into account the possibility that the subject might happen to fall on to the back of . . . say . . . an extremely large passing bird. The first of these flaws is due to sloppy thinking, but the second is understandable because the mere idea is quite clearly utterly ludicrous.
BIRD: Look, this is utterly ludicrous!
ARTHUR: (Gasping and stunned) What?
BIRD: Let go of my neck.
ARTHUR: No.
BIRD: Go on, let go!
ARTHUR: I can’t!
BIRD: Yes you can. It’s perfectly simple. Unclasp your hands and buzz off.
ARTHUR: But I can’t fly!
BIRD: Then what the devil are you doing up here?
ARTHUR: Falling.
BIRD: Then get on with it, go on.
ARTHUR: But the drop will kill me.
BIRD: Should have thought of that before you started out. No point saying ‘I think I’ll just go for a quick drop and if I get tired halfway down I’ll jump on a passing bird’. It’s not like that up here. It’s all to do with the harsh realities of physics up in the sky, it’s power to weight ratios, it’s wing cross sections, wing surface areas, it’s practical aerodynamics. It’s also cold and extremely windy. You’ll be better off on the ground.
ARTHUR: No I won’t, I’ll be dead.
BIRD: Well, it’s your habitat, not mine.
ARTHUR: It’s not a question of whose habitat it is, it’s a question of how fast you hit it.
ARTHUR: Couldn’t you please just see your way to taking me down to ground level and dropping me off?
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Original Radio Scripts Page 22