Something of her thoughts must have shown on her face for as they waltzed, Rayne looked down upon Sarah and smiled that knowing smile of his. The very same smile that made her heart squeeze in her chest with longing. "I take it you are having a good time?" he asked and she thought that he pulled her a little closer to him than was strictly proper.
"I am." She cast a critical eye around Chillton House's ballroom with its gaudy Caribbean themed decorations. Bright blues and vibrant yellows mixed with almost blinding greens and deep purples. Tropical flowers procured from who knew what hothouse covered almost every available surface. Silver stars twinkled and winked high above the dancers, their metallic surfaces reflecting the candlelight from the twin crystal chandeliers that winked high overhead. It was lovely - in a way. Then she rolled her eyes in a manner that she knew Rayne would appreciate. "The decor, however, leaves something to be desired. It is a bit overdone."
Rayne chuckled deeply, warming Sarah from the inside out. "That is my girl. So overly dramatic, and more of a country girl at heart than anything. Not enough brambles and brush scattered about for you, my lady?"
"I am no such thing, and you well know it. I simply prefer cooler colors and a less cluttered appearance. And anyway, now who is being overly dramatic?" she teased back, enjoying their easy banter. If only it could be this way all of the time between them, she would be happy. Well, perhaps not happy. To make her truly happy, she would need to find a way to make her secret dream come true. But content. Yes, that was a good word to describe her at the moment. She would take content if she could have nothing else.
"I simply know what you like," Rayne countered, smiling down at her with those fire-lit amber eyes of his. The ones that made woman after woman of the ton swoon with longing. "After all, I have known you since you were practically in leading strings."
Sarah did her best not to show how much his words cut her, for he did not mean them as such. He was only teasing, as a good friend ought. Except that Rayne was more to her than a best friend, even if he did not see himself in that fashion. Instead, she pasted on what she hoped was a bright smile, some of her earlier elation at being in his arms dimming now. However she resolved not to allow this one moment to ruin her night. This would likely be one of the last grand balls she would attend at Chillton House and she wished to enjoy the evening.
"Know me so well, do you?" she replied coyly as the music ended and she allowed Rayne to escort her from the floor and over to a small alcove that was protected by a curtain. She glanced across the room to locate her brother, but Frost, the current Viscount Chillton, was otherwise occupied with his newly betrothed, Lady Lavinia Tremont, the long-lost granddaughter of the Duke of Annandell. Not that Frost's attentions to his soon-to-be-wife were any great surprise. However, his lack of attention to Sarah was quite different indeed - and yet not at the same time.
As of late, Frost had not said much when Rayne had kept company with Sarah, but she knew that was only because Michel Balon, a rather despicable Frenchman who had seduced Lavinia years before, was loose on the streets of London and looking for ways to reclaim Lavinia as his own. Failing in that goal, there had been some speculation that Balon might strike out at whoever was closest to Frost in an attempt to gain enough leverage to force Lavinia back into his clutches. Since her brother could not be everywhere at once, Frost had allowed Rayne to stay by Sarah's side far more than was proper for a couple that was not actually courting. Now, however, with Balon in Newgate the danger was past. Yet Rayne was still here by Sarah's side and she was uncertain how her brother would react if he saw her keeping company with his best friend. Likely not very well.
After all, in her brother's world, best friends were suitable for many things, including drinking, whoring, gambling, and racing carriages. There were not, however, the least bit suitable as potential husbands for said best friend's eldest sister. No matter how much the sister in question wished otherwise.
Tonight might very well be the last night that Sarah was permitted to keep company with Rayne, so, once she was convinced that Frost was otherwise occupied, she allowed Rayne to lead her into the secluded alcove and tug the curtain closed far enough so that they might enjoy some privacy. It was highly improper of course, but as a woman of five and twenty, Sarah did not care. After all, she was nearly on the shelf and likely facing her last Season. If she did not do something at least slightly shocking now, when would she?
In the dim light, she took a moment to study Rayne now as he worked to adjust the curtain, hoping to commit his face to memory. In addition to his amber eyes, he had thick, dark hair that was normally rather curly but was currently cut so short that it appeared to stick straight up in the air. He was possessed of a Roman nose and high, almost cutting cheekbones that often times made him appear more like a pirate than an aristocrat.
Even at the ripe old age of thirty, he was thinner than many of his friends but still well-muscled with a bit of a scholarly look about him, especially when he wore his spectacles, which made sense as he had devoted a great deal of his life to the study of archeology. When he was not busy womanizing, of course.
Rayne was not referred to as "The Earl of Heartbreak" by almost all of London because he spent his life buried in books and libraries, after all.
When he was finally finished adjusting the curtain, Rayne turned back towards her and Sarah was surprised to see a frown on his face. "What is wrong with you, Sarah?" he all but demanded. She was taken aback for a moment by his use of her Christian name. He had not called her by that name in so long that it seemed foreign to hear it on his lips.
"With me?" She did her best not to squeak when she spoke, something she did on occasion when she was caught off-guard. "Nothing. Nothing at all." She almost asked him the very same question for he had been acting oddly ever since he had returned from the Continent. At least he was acting oddly with her. It was one of the first things Sarah had noticed upon his return.
Instead of accepting her answer as she had hoped, Rayne crossed his arms over his rather impressive chest and glared at her instead. "There is something amiss and you well know it. Now tell me. Please." Then, he softened his tone, his face becoming one of worry rather than anger. "Sarah, this is me. Rayne. Your 'forever friend' as you once referred to me. There is nothing you cannot tell me. You know that."
Oh, but there was so much that Sarah could not tell him, words she did not dare say for fear of irrevocably changing things between them. Words that had been brewing within her since she was fifteen and he twenty. "It has been a long and difficult Season, Rayne," she offered, knowing that was a rather vague explanation and not likely to satisfy him in the least.
As expected, her words did not seem to mollify him. "And?" He narrowed his eyes in that way of his. In that moment, if he had begun tapping his foot like a put-out school mistress, she would not have been surprised.
"And I am tired." Sarah did her best not to fidget and instead clasped her hands in front of her as she often did when she felt nervous. She could not allow him to see how affected and conflicted she was. "I am simply ready to return to Hallowby Grange for the summer. Nothing more. As you mentioned earlier, I prefer the country, especially after so long in London." She prayed that Rayne believed her and let the matter drop. She did not wish to reveal any more of herself to him, especially not now as there were life-altering decisions she was contemplating at the moment. Telling him her thoughts would only muddle matters further in her mind. Not to mention reveal things that she preferred to keep secret. Forever if she could manage it.
Rayne glared at Lady Sarah Elinore Tillsbury, the one woman he had known all of his life, hoping that she would, for once, behave like another other woman he knew and simply give in to his demands and spill her secrets. All women did - eventually anyway. All but Sarah.
For as long as he had known her, she had never behaved as she ought, at least not with him. With the rest of the world, Sarah was prim and proper, ever the lady and often referred to as The One b
y all of Society. The One to emulate in all things. The One every young lady should aspire to be like. The one with the best and most proper manners. Quite simply, The One.
However, with him, she let down her guard and was simply Sarah. Or she had been in the past. As of late, however, there were changes in her, changes he did not like. She was becoming distant with him, putting up walls as she did with the rest of the ton in order to keep them out of her life and to keep herself safe from everyone who would claim a piece of her if they could. Those walls of hers had gone up between them in recent months during the Balon Affair, as he had come to call the nasty business surrounding his best friend's soon-to-be wife. And Rayne didn't like it, not one bit.
Then again, there was much that had transpired as of late that Rayne did not like. He disliked - he would not say hated for that was too strong of a word - that Frost was so enamored of a woman of questionable background like Lavinia that he allowed his sisters - Sarah, Dory and Aurelia - to be put at risk when a blackguard like Balon had come skulking about intending harm to any young woman who had the misfortune to cross his path. Rayne, Bow Street Runner Harry Greer, Lord Hunt and several other gentlemen of good breeding had risen to the occasion and protected Frost's sisters, of course, but it should not have been necessary in the first place. But that was what happened when one picked his betrothed from a brothel.
It was not that Rayne didn't like Lavinia precisely. She was nice enough and seemed to genuinely care for Frost and he for her. However in Rayne's mind, there was nothing more important than family and a man should learn to keep his cock in his trousers when his actions might affect his family - especially vulnerable younger sisters. Even if the woman in question that he was lusting after was beyond tempting. No matter how much he desired her or how hard she made his cock ache with a mere look. Instead, it was a matter of honor.
Once upon a time, it had been a matter of honor with Frost as well. But no longer. Not since Lavinia had entered his life.
However, it was still a matter of honor for Rayne, which was why he had kept his hands off of Sarah all of these years, no matter how delightful he found her. And no matter how much she made his blood pound in his veins and his cock ache until he thought it might explode from need.
No, this was not what Rayne wanted, this life without Sarah by his side, but it was the right thing to do. It was the honorable thing to do. Especially since he had been treated like a part of Frost's family since he was in leading strings himself.
Now, looking at Sarah in her emerald and golden gown, with her lush, curvy body and long, dark hair that he wished to tunnel his fingers through with abandon, Rayne questioned the wisdom of his decision to keep the green-eyed temptress at a distance. And he wondered if he had made the wrong choice. After all, if Frost could behave with such dishonor and put his family at risk, why couldn't Rayne finally reach out and take what he had always wanted?
But no. That was not him. He was an honorable man. Or he liked to think so anyway. After all, the women he bedded knew going into the relationship that he would not marry them. That was precisely why he selected willing widows and worldly courtesans to warm his bed. Rayne did not dally with the innocent, though he did flirt with them, which had earned him that unfortunately nickname. And he most certainly did not and would not lay a finger on his best friend's sister - no matter how much he wished to. Because it was a point of honor. A matter of family. It was the right thing to do - no matter how much he desired otherwise. Rayne would not go against his best friend's explicit wishes.
Now as Sarah stood there glaring at him, Rayne wished once more than he was a far less honorable man so that he might do just that. For despite her words, there was something very wrong with Lady Sarah. He knew it, even if she did not.
"Are you certain that is all, my lady?" he asked, careful not to use her Christian name again. He had done so once and would not be so careless as to do it again. At least not where they might possibly be overheard. "For if I can assist you in some way, make your life better, I would gladly do so. We have been friends for so very long, after all."
Friends.
That words sliced through Sarah like a knife. She was tired of being Rayne's friend. She wanted to be his lover.
For years, Sarah had harbored a tendre for Rayne, though she had always assumed that it was nothing more than a girlish infatuation that would eventually be replaced by true love when she met the man of her dreams. That day, unfortunately, had never come and a few months ago while waltzing with Rayne at a ball, Sarah had come to the realization that there was a reason she found every other gentleman she met lacking. Simply put, they were not the Earl of Raynecourt. No one ever would be, at least not in her eyes.
In that moment, Sarah had known the brutal truth. She was in love with Rayne. She always had been and always would be. The only problem was, he was not in love with her. Nor would he ever be. Instead, he viewed her as his friend. As evidenced by his comment mere moments ago.
After that fateful night, Sarah had begun carefully erecting walls around her heart, afraid that if Rayne ever looked too closely, he would see the truth in her very soul. And she would lose him. She would lose her best friend. So instead she began erecting walls and hoping feverently that he would not notice.
Apparently he had noticed anyway.
"I am certain, Rayne," she replied as she stiffened her spine just a bit, determined now. Now was not the time to be weak and allow her guard to slip. "More than anyone else, you are aware of what has transpired with my family in the last several months."
He nodded just as stiffly. "I have."
"Then you know this has not been easy for us." Beyond the curtain, Sarah could hear the small string quartet warm up for another waltz. It was scandalous and not the done thing, of course, but then, Frost was her brother and he had likely demanded the dance so that he could hold Lavinia in his arms once more. Propriety be damned.
Rayne clearly heard the music as well and he offered Sarah his arm once more. There was a part of her that was reluctant to take it, but another, just as insistent part of her whispered that her time to waltz with Rayne was quickly coming to an end. Even if she had one final Season next year, he had already announced that he was leaving England just after Twelfth Night. He had yet to decide between venturing back to Italy and his beloved Renaissance artists or whether he would venture on to Egypt and other locations in North Africa. Recent work there by an Italian named Giovanni Battista Belzoni had intrigued Rayne, along with much of England, and the earl wished to see for himself where magnificent pieces like the great bust of Ramesses II had originated.
She could not blame him, really. In fact, she longed to see such places herself if she could.
Several weeks ago, Rayne had arranged for a private showing of the bust for a group of his more scholarly friends and had secretly included Sarah - who had gone in disguise as a man, of course - among his invited guests. It had been a breathtaking sight and one she would never forget. It was also one of the things she would miss most about him, that irreverent nature of his and his willingness to include her in his adventures. Even when they both knew he should not. However she also knew that she had better become accustomed to his absence quickly. Their time together was almost at an end.
As they took their positions on the dance floor, Sarah could all but feel the anger rolling off of Rayne in waves. She had not answered his questions and he was likely cross with her. She would attempt to change that if she could, even though she believed there was more to his anger than just her refusal to answer.
"I thought you enjoyed waltzing with me," she teased, attempting to lighten Rayne's increasingly dark mood. However if she knew the real reason for his sour expression, she might be better able to diffuse his anger. It had always worked in the past.
"Your brother clearly doesn't care that he is embarrassing your mother by requesting another waltz so soon after the last one." Fire flashed in his amber eyes and it was all Sarah could do not to
sigh in annoyance. Sometimes, for all of his roguish ways, the man could be such a stickler for propriety.
"It is merely a dance and those here this evening are all friends. I am certain they will understand." Really, she thought he was being completely silly about this. Rayne had been the host of some of the most debauched parties ever, second only to the shockingly risqué masked balls previously thrown by the Duke of Enwright. Something so trivial as a second waltz should not aggravate him so much. But it was.
"It is an embarrassment."
"It is a dance."
"Were it up to me, this ball would not be happening at all." Rayne practically bit out the words and his hands tightened on Sarah's waist as he led her through the steps. "She likely put him up to this."
For a moment, Sarah wondered if there was something more to his foul mood, if perhaps Lavinia was taking the brunt of his anger even though he had other reasons to be cross. Then she decided against that notion. There was nothing aggravating Rayne that getting rid of his best friend's newly betrothed would not fix. Not that such a thing was likely to happen. If anything, Frost would be more likely to get rid of Rayne first than he would Lavinia.
It had been clear to Sarah for the last week or more that Rayne did not particularly care for his best friend's choice of a bride, though he had not given his reasons. She suspected that, given Rayne's views on family, he disliked the idea of Frost putting Lavinia's needs - and safety - above that of his sisters'. Such feelings would not only make a great deal of sense, they would also explain his foul mood.
In Sarah's opinion, Rayne wasn't entirely wrong in his feelings on the matter and it had hurt when Frost had gone dashing off after Lavinia, leaving Sarah and her sisters to possibly fall prey to Balon themselves. She could admit that much. However, Sarah truly liked Lavinia and the woman made Frost deliriously happy. After the childhood they had all endured at their father's hands, she would not begrudge him his happiness for a moment.
The Earl of Heartbreak Page 2