"But I still have not seen you," Sarah whispered, a small bit of fear growing inside of her as the truth of what she had just done began to penetrate her lust-fogged brain. Fear that was rapidly spiraling out of control to the point where she could no longer contain it. "Or, I could not. I mean I should..."
What had she done? She was naked! He would see her back. How could she have been so careless? So swept up in desire that she would not remember? How could she have forgotten? Instantly, she was gripped by a terrible fear and she froze in place.
Rayne immediately noticed the change in her and his hands stilled on the buttons of his evening shirt. "Sarah? What is wrong, sweetheart? Have you changed your mind about this?" He would damn himself to hell if she had, for he had likely pushed her too far and too quickly, but he would let her go if that was what she desired.
"I..." She bit her lip and flapped her hands helplessly in the air. "I..." she tried again but the words still would not come.
"Sarah, what is wrong?" Truly concerned now, Rayne eased her back down onto the bed. He was afraid that if she did not sit, she would fall down for her legs were trembling so badly. "If you are not ready, sweetheart, we don't have to do this." He would have to take himself in hand later on, of course, since walking was difficult at the moment, but he would not force himself upon Sarah if she didn't wish his further attentions.
"You will know. If we do this.... I mean I suppose it is possible that you might not, but I had thought to do this with clothes on. At least at first, for I know that it can be done in that manner. Still, I hadn't anticipated... But you are here and I wanted you and I did not think. I acted rashly. If I had been thinking, I would not have..."
She faltered then and Rayne quickly gathered her close, settling her on his lap. For a moment he thought she would bolt or scream at him and ask him to leave. Or demand it, for she was well within her rights to do just that. However, Sarah did none of those things. Instead, she simply sat on his lap and began to cry.
Those silent tears were Rayne's undoing. Wrapping her in her bedsheet, he arranged her more comfortably so that she could recline a bit while he still held her close and rocked her gently. For her part, Sarah burrowed deeply into Rayne's embrace. However each time he tried to stroke her back, she pulled away from him, once more fearful. To Rayne's credit, he did not press her for an explanation of her behavior. He simply let her be.
It was for that reason, and that reason alone, that Sarah knew she had to share the last of her secrets with him.
"Brook." She said his name softly. His real name. In that moment, Rayne's heart seized. He had the feeling that whatever came next would not be pleasant.
"Yes, Sarah?" He was as still as possible. The air in the room seemed thick now, but not as it had been in the hallway earlier. This was an uneasy thickness, as if the world was about to come to an end. He didn't like it. At all.
"I need to tell you the truth." She sounded almost like a little girl then, so hurt and lost that his heart broke. "Once you know, I don't think you'll be able to look at me the same way again."
Since she had determinedly kept her back away from him, Rayne reached out to stroke her arm. "Somehow I doubt that, Sarah. To me you are perfect and always will be."
She pulled back then and looked up at him with tear-stained eyes. "Except that I'm not perfect. Not physically anyway." Before he could stop her, she rose from his lap and turned away from him, her body still wrapped tightly in the sheet. "After this, if you no longer want me, I will understand. I am not certain how any man could."
Then, drawing in a deep breath, Sarah dropped the sheet that had been covering her body. And she heard Rayne gasp at the horror he saw there.
"My God! Sarah!" Rayne's voice was a curious mix of anger and shock, and she could not blame him. "What happened to you?"
"My father." She stood as stiffly as she could. She had to do this. He had to know. It was not fair to him otherwise.
"He beat you?" The horror in Rayne's voice was clear. "What could you have possibly done that was so bad as to warrant this? And even if you accidentally killed someone, no one, especially a little girl deserves this. For these marks are old. You were little more than a toddler when they were inflicted. Please. Tell me I am wrong about that."
Sarah shook her head and he knew. The realization sickened him. Yet he could not look away. He wanted to hit something - or someone, preferably her reprobate of a father - and at the same time, he wanted to offer her comfort. His mind spun with the realization of what Sarah had suffered, for clearly, her suffering had been great. Well beyond what any child should endure.
Even in the dim light of the room, it was clear that the scars were old. Some were thin and twisted while others were thicker. However all of them were confined to her lower back. Far below where any of her gowns would ever dare to dip, even as she aged into adulthood.
They were also extremely ugly, even though some of the scars had faded over time. Newer ones overlapped older ones, creating a macabre patchwork that screamed of nothing but pain and torture. Rayne had seen prisoners in Newgate with fewer scars than Sarah bore.
Rage tore through him at the thought, but he did his best to hold himself in check. He needed to allow Sarah to tell this story in her own way and in her own time. It was no wonder she had frozen when she realized that she was naked before him. In fact, it was little wonder that she had been brave enough to strip for him at all. That meant that she was so infatuated with him that she had momentarily forgotten about the scars, or she desired him enough to take the risk. Perhaps even a little of both.
Before him, Sarah bowed her head, obviously embarrassed. "I didn't do anything. Frost did. Or rather, he did not."
"What?" Rayne all but shrieked the word.
Keeping her back towards him, Sarah somehow found the strength to continue. With anyone other than Rayne, she knew she would not be able to confess all, but he was her friend. He would understand. She hoped anyway. "You knew my father. You knew how strict he was with Frost. How he wanted Frost to become exactly like him."
"I also know that Frost vowed that he never would." From the time they were ten, Frost had vowed that actually. Loudly. Publicly.
"Yet that was not what my father wanted to hear. He thought that he could coerce Frost into doing his bidding with beatings, making him dance to his tune, become the same sort of monster my father already was." She sighed brokenly. "When that did not work, my father became more creative in coercing Frost's cooperation."
She could almost hear the wheels in Rayne's mind turning. "When Frost would not do as your father wished, the monster would beat you instead."
"He always did it near my waist for he knew in the future that my gowns would cover the scars. Any higher and they would not, and he would be taken to task for what he had done." Shame filled her and she flushed scarlet. "No one knows. Colleen suspects, but does not know for certain and even then, I am certain she believes it from an accident of some sort. When I dance, men can't feel them or if they do, they assume that they are part of my corset. Other than you, the only person who truly knows my secret is Frost."
Suddenly, Rayne understood a great many things all at once. "Which is why he will not force you to marry if you choose not to. He is the reason you suffered as a child, so freedom from a marriage you don't desire is his way of repaying what he sees as his debt to you."
"The man who takes me to wife would have to be told. Eventually. I could not hide these scars forever, much as I might wish to do so." Sarah felt more than saw Rayne rise from the bed and come to stand behind her. She could feel the heat from his body. It seeped through her skin and into her very bones, warming her. "Though I had hoped to try. Someday. Maybe. With the right man. A man who might understand and not judge."
Rayne did not wish to cause her further pain but he had to know. "And tonight?"
"Tonight, I forgot myself. It is a measure of precisely how much I desire you. You make me forget, even when I know that I shoul
d not."
Sarah meant to take a step forward but before she could, Rayne's strong arms came around her. She struggled to get away but he would not release her, holding her fast against his strong chest. She was certain that he could feel the scars on her back and she was flooded with shame once more. She needed to run and hide even though she had no idea where she would go.
Finally, however, she stopped struggling, her already tired body wearying quickly, and she felt Rayne relax his grip a bit. "I am sorry," she whispered. "I know this was not what you expected when you came to my room this evening. I have ruined everything. I am sure your desire for me has cooled considerably. I will not hold you to your promise to seduce me. That would not be fair."
When Rayne kissed her bare shoulder, Sarah almost swooned with delight. She wished to believe so very much that her scars did not matter to him, but she did not dare. "No," he whispered, "this was not what I expected, but it changes nothing. If anything, I desire you more than I did before."
"Are you blind?" Sarah knew he was not but she did not understand how this revelation did not change things between them. Men, especially men like Rayne who had bedded some of the most beautiful women in England, craved perfection in their women. That was something she could never give him. "I am not perfect, Rayne. I never was and I never will be."
For a moment, she thought he might release her, but instead, he simply slid his palms down the length of her body. Then she felt him lower himself to kneel behind her. "These scars are a sign of your strength, Sarah," he whispered and she could feel his heated breath on her damaged skin. "You survived your father, something not many young women in your position could do. Especially a little girl, which is what you were when that monster beat you. Not only did you survive, you thrived. After all, you became The One. That is no easy accomplishment in and of itself."
"I am not married," she reminded him quietly. "My father would not see my measure of success as you do."
In response, Rayne growled. "Were he here, I would take pleasure in beating the man myself. Perhaps a bit of torture as well. The Romans were rather inventive in that regard and I have studied them extensively. Because what he did to you was unconscionable. But the very fact that you live and you love and you desire me enough to bare yourself to me, scars and all, proves to me that you are stronger than he could have ever been. Whether you realize it or not, you thrived, in spite of what he did to you."
Then, Rayne did the last thing Sarah expected. He kissed her scars. One by one.
She made a mewling noise but he shushed her. "No, Sarah, this is not my night to have you, I will grant you that," he whispered as his fingertips traced the lines of her scars. "This is all still too new for you and you have revealed enough of yourself to me for one night. There will be other nights." Not many, of course, but he did not say that.
"And you still desire me?" Sarah could not believe her good fortune so she had to ask, just to be certain.
"Yes, Sarah, I still desire you," Rayne reassured her as he rose and began pulling her back towards her bed. "But tonight I will not take you. You need more time, for what we will do is not just physical but emotional as well. You need time to adjust to the idea of being naked with me, for I want this to be as pleasurable for you as it will be for me. And for that, there can be nothing between us. Simply skin to skin."
She made another sound of protest. "But you are here!"
In the half-light of the room, he gave her another lopsided smile. "And here I shall stay. And I will stroke you and caress you until you are comfortable with my touch. Until you feel only me and not those scars. As I said, there will be another night."
Together, they lay down on the bed, Rayne's back to the wall and Sarah snuggled up tightly against him. She could feel the hard press of his erection against her backside and knew that it would likely be a painful night for him. However he didn't seem to mind. Instead, he began settling in, making certain she was comfortable. All the while, his fingers stroked her scars until he was right. She ceased thinking about them, or at least they were not the first and most important thing in her mind. It was only his touch and the way he made her quiver with just a single stroke of his hard fingers over her heated flesh.
She craved more but she also knew that he would not give her pleasure, not even if she begged. Not tonight anyway. She also reasoned that he was likely right. She had revealed far more of herself than she had ever intended. Perhaps waiting a night or two would not matter. However she did not want to wait too long, for she was keenly aware that they would run out of nights like this sooner rather than later.
Still, there was one thing she did wish he would do for her. She wished that he would be as naked as she was, for she had yet to see him completely unclothed. She had to confess that she was more than a little curious about what he looked like nude.
"And your clothes?" Sarah did not think it quite fair that she was undressed and he was not.
"Ah, those I will keep on, love. For if I do not, there might be unintended consequences." He chuckled when he said that but there was an undercurrent of pain in his voice as well.
Sarah wanted desperately to ask what those consequences might be. However with each stroke of Rayne's warm, firm hands over her skin, she found herself being pulled closer and closer to the edge of sleep until finally, she felt herself beginning to drift off. Her last thought of the night was of the sheer pleasure she was discovering falling asleep in Rayne's arms, and wondering how she could have this every night for the rest of her life. Or if was even possible.
Chapter Eleven
With sunlight streaming through her window, Sarah awoke to the kneading of cat paws on her chest and the low rumbling purrs of both Toffee and Taffy sitting on her chest. Rayne, however, was nowhere to be found, though that was probably for the best. She had no idea how she would have explained to Colleen - the ever-alert maid who was already in to assist Sarah with dressing as soon as she woke up - the presence of the earl in her bedchamber. Nor would she have wanted to do so.
After a quick and solitary breakfast - for she had been informed by Wilson that Rayne was already up and gone to check on repairs to at least two of the tenant cottages for her - she settled herself in the morning room, hoping to make some progress on the plans for Frost and Lavinia's party. Thus far, she had done precisely nothing in that regard, which would greatly disappoint her mother when she eventually arrived.
After nearly an hour of staring at blank parchment, however, Sarah was beginning to wonder if the endeavor was truly hopeless. Back in London she had assisted her mother with party planning many times. In fact, she had always enjoyed it. Today, however, she could not muster up any enthusiasm or even vague ideas for the party.
She was about to go to the stables and have Timothy ready Glory for her when Rayne strolled into the room, looking as sinfully rumpled as he had last night. Apparently he hadn't slept any better than she had. If he had, she doubted that he would look as if he had just come straight from his bedchamber without his morning absolutions.
"Rayne." Sarah did her best to keep her voice steady, thankful when Taffy strolled into the room with her tail swishing to provide a distraction. She hadn't given much thought as to what she would say when she saw him again. After last night, their relationship had changed. Hadn't it?
"Sarah." He reached down and scooped up Taffy to deposit the cat into Sarah's lap for petting before he took his own seat opposite her on the small settee. Given the sheer size of him, the settee seemed even smaller than it had a moment ago.
For a few moments they sat in silence, eyeing each other carefully. "Is this how it is to be between us then?" he asked. "For if our days from now until Frost returns are to be filled with awkward silences, then perhaps it is for the best if I seek out the wilds of Oxfordshire until Fieldown is free of bothersome females. Other than my mother and sisters, of course."
Immediately, Sarah felt foolish. "Rayne, no. It is just that...well, last night was extremely personal.
No one save my brother knows my secret."
"Which is why I did not bed you last night." Rayne whispered the words as if he was afraid that someone would hear. After looking around, he rose and offered Sarah his hand. "Come. This is not the place for this discussion."
"Agreed." Carefully she placed Taffy on the floor and the cat promptly jumped back up on the settee and settled down for a nap.
Rayne eyed the cat critically. "Useless creature."
"She is good company, as is her sister." Sarah swatted Rayne's arm playfully. "The both saw me through many a lonely night back in Town."
"Can't be all bad then, I suppose." Still, she could tell he was teasing for when he saw Toffee enter the room, he scooped her up as well and deposited her on the settee beside her sister. "There. Now they can nap together, and we can walk."
Offering her his arm, Rayne was delighted when Sarah took it without complaint. He had spent the better part of the night simply holding her, his body aching with the need to have her and yet, for the first time in his life, his mind all the while whispering that what might be best for him was not necessarily best for the woman beside him. So he had lain there with Sarah until he slipped away in the early morning hours, not in the least bit rested and so hard that he ached.
"Did you have any place in particular you wished to go or did you just desire to wander aimlessly?" Sarah teased as Rayne led her out the front door and across Hallowby's sweeping front lawn.
Heartened to see some of her usual spunk returning, Rayne gestured down the shady, tree-lined lane that led out of the estate and back toward one of the main roads. "I had thought we might venture down the lane to the watchman's cottage. I don't know that anyone has inspected it in an age, and since there will be a great many guests arriving for the wedding ball, it might be a nice idea to make certain it is in tip-top shape. Don't want anything to crumble while the guests are here." In fact, Rayne had been racing his horse so fast up the lane the day he had arrived, he wasn't even certain the old building that pre-dated much of Hallowby Grange itself was still standing.
The Earl of Heartbreak Page 15