“I know you want that for me, too, Dad. So I’m good. We’re good.” She still wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Why did she have to? “I’ve got a date with my guy. See you soon, Dad.”
The weight on her chest lifted. She breathed easy for the first time in a long time.
With Darren behind bars, her family matters settled, business steadily coming in and filling up her calendar for weeks to come, all she had to do tonight was enjoy being with Chris.
She walked down the hill and right into his open arms.
He held her close and kissed her on the head, once, twice, three times. “You okay?”
Of course he’d ask. “Right here”—she squeezed him tighter—“I’m perfect.”
He slipped his hands from her back up to cup her face, brushing his fingers over her cheeks and wiping the last of her tears away. “Then let’s go home.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chris unlocked the front door, pulled the key free, held the knob, then paused and glanced at her. “Did you get what I said to you at the cemetery?”
He’d made a huge point this morning when they woke up and had breakfast together to tell her to make herself at home, do whatever she wanted to do, use the kitchen, anything she wanted or needed, it was hers.
Then, at the cemetery, the “Let’s go home,” like this place was theirs.
Well, she did have a key and a spot beside him in his bed—exactly where she wanted to be—and a place in his life—something she wanted to make their life.
Still, he hadn’t come right out and asked her to move in. If that’s even what he really meant. She didn’t want to overstep. She didn’t want to go too fast.
Then again, she just wanted to be with him.
“I think you need to tell me what’s going on. You mentioned a surprise.”
“Right. Let’s do that, then it will be clear.” The nervous words came out in a rush. He fumbled with the door and pushed it open, hustling inside and slamming it shut behind her the second she walked through like he feared she’d leave.
She’d never seen him this unsteady. It made her nervous and anxious.
Everything in the house looked the same as this morning. The kitchen had been cleaned and left spotless just the way he kept everything else in the house. The comfortable furnishings in the living room invited you to sit down, watch a movie or read a book, and relax.
She hung her purse on the coat rack next to her.
Chris took her computer bag and slung it over his shoulder, then took her hand and linked his fingers with hers. “It’s down here.”
They headed down the hall toward the bedroom. Nerves made her tease him again. “You know I’ve seen your—” Her breath caught when he stopped by the first open door. She stared at the dark wood desk with the potted violet in front of the window with a comfortable black leather office chair in front of it and a matching black leather love seat and wood coffee table on the right, a closet with a printer, filing cabinets, and shelves on the left.
“Do you like it?”
Her heart soared on the thought that he’d done this for her, but she didn’t want to presume anything, because it seemed too good to be true. No one had ever done anything this . . . amazing. For her.
Unsure what to say or expect, she asked, “What is it?”
He squeezed her hand. “Your office.”
Tears filled her eyes and trailed down her cheeks and all she could do was stare at the gorgeous hardwood floor, pale blue walls—her favorite color—and white drapes on the window.
Her heart seemed to stutter, then speed up, as adrenaline and love burst through her. “You did this for me?”
“You said you wanted an office. You need a quiet place to work. I’ve got three bedrooms and only use one.”
“And this one is mine?”
“This is your office. The one down the hall, you share with me.”
She tore her gaze from the room and looked up at him, hearing what he didn’t say because maybe, like her, he wanted it so much he couldn’t bear to hear her refuse. “I love it. I love you. Really, truly, deeply. Like a forever kind of love.”
He gasped and held his breath.
“Not because you did this for me.” She glanced at the room, then back to him. “This is the most wonderful, amazing surprise I’ve ever gotten, but I love you so much more for knowing that I need this space and the business and something that is mine, that’s important to me.”
“Besides me,” he teased, but not really. He got it.
“Yes. When I walked out of prison, I had nothing but a goal: to stand on my own. Somehow you’ve managed to give me the close relationship I want and the space I need.”
“You’re great at what you do. You love it. You’ve been so caught up taking care of all the other stuff going on in your life, I wanted to give you the space you need to turn your ideas into reality.”
Her smile couldn’t possibly match how happy she was right now. “I have a key, an office, our bedroom down the hall.”
“Me.”
“Almost everything I need.”
He frowned. “Once we pick up your clothes and stuff tomorrow, will you be set?”
“I just need to do one thing first.”
The frown deepened. “What’s that?”
She kissed the frown right off his lips. “Thank you.” She kissed him again, letting him know without words exactly how she planned to thank him.
Her computer bag thunked on the hardwood floor. He bent, cupped her bottom in his hands, and lifted her right off the floor. She wrapped her legs around his waist and buried her fingers in his golden hair. “Let’s take this to our room.”
He spun and headed down the hall, kissing her the whole way and still managing to pull her shirt off over her head. Her bra disappeared before they made it to the bed. He hooked his hands under her arms, kissed her one last time, then tossed her onto the bed. She bounced and laughed. The giggle turned to a moan of pleasure when his mouth planted a line of kisses down her neck and chest. She held his head to her heavy breast as he undid her jeans, worked off her shoes and socks, then dragged her jeans and panties right off her legs.
He blazed a trail of kisses down her belly, over her hip, and down her thigh. He stood at the end of the bed and pulled his T-shirt over his head. Hands on his jeans button, he stared down at her, his green eyes intense and filled with desire. “I love you, too. So much.”
Her heart swelled and melted all at the same time. “Come here and show me.”
With lightning speed, he shucked off the rest of his clothes and rejoined her on the bed, where he spent the next hour loving her with soft caresses and deep kisses that turned to urgent need and an earth-shattering end that left them lying in each other’s arms, content. Their connection couldn’t be stronger. Their love deeper.
“So that’s a yes to being my live-in girlfriend?”
She smiled against his neck, her heart pounding away against his. “It’s a good place to start.” Because there was no place she’d rather be than with him. “But I want the whole ring and proposal and wedding at Cross Cellars.”
“Deal.” No hesitation. Not even a breath before he agreed. Because they wanted the same thing. Each other. “How about we start with me taking you out to dinner?” His fingers raked through her hair.
She leaned up, met his steady green gaze, and told him exactly what she wanted. “I think we’d have to get out of this bed and get dressed, and I prefer you naked and wrapped around me.”
“You’re the smartest and best girlfriend I ever had.” He rolled back on top of her and kissed her softly.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled up at him. “What do you think about me being the last girlfriend you ever have?”
Those green eyes never even blinked. “From now on, my whole world begins and ends with you.”
Once, her whole world had been taken away. Now she had more than all she’d lost.
P.S. Insights, Interviews &
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About the Author
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Meet Jennifer Ryan
About the Book
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A Letter from the Author
Reading Group Guide
About the Author
Meet Jennifer Ryan
New York Times and USA Today bestselling author JENNIFER RYAN writes suspenseful contemporary romances about everyday people who do extraordinary things. Her deeply emotional love stories are filled with high stakes and higher drama, as well as family, friendship, and the happily-ever-after we all hope to find.
Jennifer lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and three children. When she finally leaves those fictional worlds, you’ll find her in the garden, playing in the dirt and daydreaming about people who live only in her head, until she puts them on paper.
For information about her upcoming releases, sign up for her newsletter at www.jennifer-ryan.com/newsletter.
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About the Book
A Letter from the Author
Dear readers.
I hope you enjoyed The Me I Used to Be. As a romance author, I write stand-alone books in a series, usually centered on a family. Each series has three or more books. After several series, I was dying to write a single book, beginning to end, and be done. I wanted it to center on a single member of the family, but show how an event affects everyone differently by giving their perspectives. Because, although they know the facts, or so they think, how they feel about them varies—sometimes in a big way.
While the family aspect is integral to the story, the inspiration for Evangeline’s character came from, of all things, the trailer to Ocean’s 8. Sandra Bullock is sitting behind a plastic fold-out table talking to the parole board, saying everything they want to hear, while she’s thinking about what she’s really going to do when she gets out. And that’s where Evangeline’s story begins. She’s desperate to get out of jail, says all the right things to the people holding her future in their hands, but in her mind she’s thinking of all the things she’d like to say. She’s holding a very big secret in her heart. A secret she never intends to reveal to anyone.
But, of course, holding a secret is like holding a lit stick of dynamite. Eventually you run out of fuse and it explodes. In the case of Evangeline’s lie, when her family discovers the truth, it changes everything in her life again.
Throughout the story, Evangeline looks back at the person she used to be and how she’s changed. Her world is in such chaos, it’s difficult for her to know what she wants and who she wants to be. This is something universal to everyone at different moments in their lives. I never thought I’d become an author, but as a stay-at-home mom and avid reader, I found myself wanting more and reaching for it. As Evangeline discovers, nothing comes easy, and neither did becoming a published author. It took a lot of hard work and perseverance.
The other inspiration for the book came from an agonizing but beautiful hike close to my home in the Bay Area. Most people may not know this, but Livermore, California, has some lovely vineyards, including the amazing Wente Vineyards—they have a fantastic restaurant and concert venue. As my husband encouraged me to hike up the hill-from-hell, I took comfort in the amazing views during my many pit stops. They reminded me so much of the beautiful Napa Valley. Instead of focusing on my aching calves, I spun Evangeline’s tale and the ranch and vineyard where she lived and worked. In fact, the winery and wine-tasting room descriptions were inspired by the Visit Napa Valley web page (www.visitnapavalley.com/wineries/tasting-rooms-wine-shops/).
If you ever get the chance, I highly recommend a wine tour through this beautiful place. I hope I did it justice in the book, but there’s nothing like being there . . . and enjoying the amazing wines that come from this region. I needed a glass of my favorite Moscato d’Asti after that hike. Though I love to write suspense with a dose of drama, I like my wine and life a little sweet.
Happy reading!
Jennifer Ryan
Reading Group Guide
While Chris is taking Evangeline home he says, “I’ve learned in some harsh ways that nothing is ever black and white . . .” Do you think this is actually true in real life? Why or why not? How do you think it ultimately applies to Evangeline’s story in the novel?
Evangeline’s mother is furious at her when she sees her for the first time after she’s been released. Often, we see criminals in the news receive forgiveness, even acceptance, for terrible crimes. Explain why one might or might not forgive family members for such horrible actions. Do you ever think forgiveness is not justified?
In Evangeline’s “before” life, she seriously dated Darren. Who were the Darrens in your life? What makes these sorts of people appealing, even when you know they shouldn’t be?
Often, families unconsciously place personalities or labels on each child—“The Smart One” or “The One Who Is Bad with Money”—even when these aren’t entirely true. How do you think Evangeline and her brothers may have been labeled by their parents? What do you think those labels were?
The family is stunned when Evangeline’s father leaves her the business in his will. Her mother even says, “Charlie is the oldest,” and as such should run things. In what ways do you think these attitudes continue even today in families?
Is Chris being fair in asking Evangeline to help him uncover criminal activity? From your perspective, hasn’t she suffered enough?
Lindsey, Charlie’s wife, is upset and angry when Evangeline comes home and runs the business, saying that Charlie “has been running that ranch almost entirely on his own for the last several years. He took care of your father when he couldn’t take care of himself . . .” In what ways could Evangeline have handled this situation better? Do you think she was entirely fair to Joey, Charlie, and Lindsey? From Lindsey’s perspective, isn’t she right to want them to sign the contract?
Why do you think Evangeline still pushes through with her independent website business, even as she’s inherited all this property?
Was Evangeline right in covering up for her father or was this too huge a sacrifice to make? Do you think she realized how truly bad it would be to go to prison or did she somehow romanticize what she was doing?
Explain the meaning of the title The Me I Used to Be.
Praise
Praise for Montana Heat: Tempted by Love
“As with any Jennifer Ryan story, Tempted by Love captures your heart along with your attention. Ryan’s attention to detail is second to none.”
—Fresh Fiction
Praise for Montana Heat: True to You
“The story is action-packed with a surprise ending, setting a high bar for the next in the series.”
—Publishers Weekly
“Honesty and trust issues loom large in this emotionally taut story that features an assortment of nuanced characters and also delivers a heartwarming romance.”
—Library Journal
Praise for Montana Heat: Escape to You
“Ryan’s fans will applaud the action, embrace the newcomers, and eagerly await the next in the series.”
—Publishers Weekly
“As always, Ryan doesn’t disappoint.”
—Kirkus Reviews
“Villain Brice Mooney is cruel to the extreme in Ryan’s latest, but Montana Heat: Escape to You shows off an excellent portrayal of love and salvation. Emotions run high as Trigger and Ashley grow closer together. She views him as her savior in this first-rate portrayal of romance.”
—RT Book Reviews
“Ryan’s suspenseful, contemporary Western romance, the first full book in her Montana Heat series, will keep readers turning the pages.”
—Booklist
Praise for Montana Men: His Cowboy Heart
“Ryan not only brings to the table emotionally engaging, multilayered characters, she also writes with great sensitivity about the physical, emotional, and mental toll PTSD ca
n levy on military personnel returning home from active duty, which ultimately makes her heroine’s journey back to the light all the more poignant.”
—Booklist (starred review)
“Fireworks spark and sizzle as the final Kendrick brother tries for a second chance at a first love in this Montana Men novel . . . The stomach-twisting suspense subplot is full of emotional ups and downs that keep the heart racing!”
—RT Book Reviews
Praise for Montana Men: Her Renegade Rancher
“Ryan ignites slow-burning heat between an audacious waitress and a tough, tenderhearted cowboy in the outstanding fifth Montana Men . . . It will appeal to mystery lovers as well as romance fans. The mention of a lost love for the final Kendrick brother will leave readers anxious for the next in the series.”
—Publishers Weekly (starred review)
“A delicious combination of intense romance, heartwarming story and edgy suspense. Readers will easily connect with Luna . . . as well as tough-but-tender cowboy Colt. The sparks between them ignite . . . into a passionate blaze, but it’s the trueness of their friendship that makes their relationship stand out.”
—RT Book Reviews
Praise for Montana Men: Stone Cold Cowboy
“There are sweet, small-town/rural romances, and there are gritty, edgy suspense romances, but rarely is there a one-two combination punch like the one Ryan delivers.”
—RT Book Reviews
Praise for Montana Men: Her Lucky Cowboy
“Sexy, thrilling, and extremely addictive. Her Lucky Cowboy is a must-read book!”
—Cynthia Eden, New York Times and USA Today bestselling author
“Ryan’s third Montana Men contemporary romance has a seamless plot and two sterling protagonists. The spirited dialogue, charming characters, and engaging story will keep readers intrigued from beginning to end.”
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