by Amy Clipston
Saul pushed the door open. “You can see the cabinets, and then you need to quickly take care of the cats. Understand?”
Once inside and through the mudroom, Emma gasped, dropped her school bag on the floor, and rushed past him to the kitchen table. “Dat! Look! Presents!” She jumped up and down while holding a gift bag that was a swirl of red, green, and gold. “Maddie left us presents!”
“Calm down.” He held his hand up. “Why would she leave us presents?”
“Because it’s Christmas.” Emma studied him as if he were an imbecile.
“Let me see that.” He reached for the colorful bag, and she turned it for him to see. EMMA was written across it with a black marker.
“It’s for me.” Emma pointed at the table. “That one has to be yours.” She began sifting through the knot of red tissue paper in her bag.
Saul looked at the large box wrapped in red paper. An envelope taped to the top displayed his name written across it. He swallowed a lump in his throat as raw emotion slammed through him.
Emma squealed. “Look, Dat!” She held up a tattered cookbook. “Maddie gave me one of Mammi’s cookbooks! Listen to this note: ‘Dear Emma. I know how much Mammi meant to you, and I want you to have her special cookbook. Frehlicher Grischtdaag! Love always, Maddie.’ ”
Tears stung Saul’s eyes as he watched his daughter flip through the book. His words were stuck in the lump swelling in his throat. Emma looked up at him.
“What are you waiting for, Dat?” She pointed to the box. “Open yours!”
He nodded and removed the card from the box.
“Open the card!” Emma picked it up. “Want me to read it to you?”
He nodded again.
“Let’s see.” Emma pulled out a card with a photograph of a poinsettia on the front. “ ‘Dear Saul, I know my grandparents meant a lot to you and Emma, and I thought you’d enjoy something that belonged to my daadi. Frehlicher Grischtdaag! Fondly, Maddie.’ ” She clapped her hands. “I can’t wait to see what it is! Open it, Dat! Open it!”
Saul ripped off the paper and found a plain cardboard box. He opened the flaps and spotted a set of screwdrivers he remembered Mel using on many occasions when they worked on home improvement projects together.
“Wow.” Emma touched one of the screwdrivers. “These belonged to her daadi?”
“Ya.” He fought to hold back his threatening emotions by clearing his throat. “I remember them.”
“How nice.” Emma gnawed her lower lip. “I need to think of something to give Maddie.”
“That won’t be necessary.” Saul closed up the box. “We don’t need to give her anything.”
“That isn’t right. If Maddie gave us something, then the proper thing to do is to give her something. I’ll think about it at school.”
“You need to feed the cats before you go to school.”
“I know.” She grabbed a scoop of dry cat food from the pantry and then glanced past him. “The cabinets are schee. Maddie will love them. I’ll be right back.” She rushed outside.
Saul studied the card while trying to comprehend why Madeleine had left gifts for Emma and him. Why would she want to give something to them after he’d shunned her friendship?
Because she cares about you and Emma.
The response came from deep in his soul, and he tried to suppress the sentiment attached to it. Tears pricked his eyes.
Emma hurried into the kitchen again and dropped the scoop in the pantry before picking up her school bag. “I’m heading off to school. Bye, Dat!” She waved as she rushed out again.
“Have a gut day.” After she was gone, he moved to the counter and surveyed the remaining cabinets he had to install. But then he turned toward the refrigerator and found an envelope with his name on it stuck to the door with a magnet.
He opened the envelope and pulled out a check along with a note from Madeleine that said, “Saul—Here is the remaining balance for the cabinets. Thank you for your hard work. I’m certain that my kitchen will look brand-new. Fondly, Maddie.”
He studied the note and leaned against the refrigerator. Pretending only to be her acquaintance was much more difficult than he’d ever imagined. Even her handwriting conjured up strong feelings within him. How could he continue to be aloof when she returned from California? He already missed her, even though he’d seen her in passing a few times before she’d left for her trip. He needed strength to continue to maintain this facade.
Saul placed the check on the table beside the Christmas gifts and then started on his installation. And while he worked, he prayed, begging God over and over again to renew his heart and set his spirit right.
On Christmas Eve, Madeleine sipped a mug of eggnog while sitting beside her mother in front of her parents’ tree. She’d arrived late yesterday and spent most of the afternoon shopping with her mother, right up until the shops closed to let their employees go home to be with their families. Although she was keeping a smile plastered on her face, she couldn’t get Saul and Emma off her mind. What were they doing? Were they visiting Marcus and his family today? Had they found her gifts? If so, did they like them? And, most important, did her gifts change Saul’s feelings about her?
“Are we going to the midnight service?” Mom’s voice broke through her mental tirade.
“Yes,” Madeleine said quickly. “It’s been a long time since I’ve gone to a Christmas Eve service.”
Mom studied her. “You don’t seem to be too excited to be home. What’s going on, Maddie?”
“Nothing.” Madeleine forced a yawn. “I think I’m just suffering from a severe case of jet lag.”
“Hmm.” Mom continued to study Madeleine while looking unconvinced. “Well, we should get ready for church then. Let me go and see what Jack is doing.”
“Sounds good.” Madeleine finished the eggnog and then headed to the guest room to change into a dress and fix her hair.
Madeleine sat in the backseat of her stepfather’s SUV and took in the colorful lights and inflatable Christmas decorations during the drive through town.
Once they arrived at the church, Mom looped her arm around Madeleine’s waist as they walked through the parking lot. “Are you certain you’re okay?”
“I’m fine, Mom.” Madeleine smiled at her. “It’s great to be home with you and Jack at Christmas.”
Mom squeezed Madeleine to her. “We’re glad you’re here too.”
Madeleine enjoyed singing the traditional Christmas carols during the service. She had tears in her eyes when the congregation lit candles and sang “Silent Night” at midnight. Although this was the kind of church she’d been accustomed to since she was a child, she couldn’t help but think of her Amish friends. She missed the Amish service—the plain and simple way of worshiping God without the flowers, candles, and musical instruments.
When they returned home, it was close to one in the morning, but Madeleine and her parents gathered around the tree once again.
“Are we going to keep with tradition and open one gift?” Jack asked as he picked up a small box from under the tree.
“What do you think, Maddie?” her mother asked. “Do you want to open one gift for old time’s sake?”
“Sure.” Madeleine yawned as the time difference and lack of sleep drowned her. She longed to curl up in the guest room bed, but she didn’t want to disappoint her parents. Opening one gift on Christmas Eve was a tradition going back to her early childhood when Madeleine and Mom lived alone.
“This is for you, sweetheart.” Jack handed her mother a small box. “Merry Christmas, Leah.”
“Oh, Jack.” Mom took the box and then handed him a small box as well as he sat down beside her. “This is for you. Merry Christmas, honey.”
Madeleine hugged a sofa pillow to her chest while she watched her parents open their gifts. Her mother gasped as she opened the jewelry box, revealing a sparkling diamond solitaire necklace. “It’s gorgeous. Thank you.” She leaned over and kissed Jack.
&nbs
p; He opened his package and held up an expensive-looking watch. “I love it, Leah. Thank you.”
Madeleine yawned again and imagined how warm and comfortable the bed would be when she finally crawled into it.
“This is for you, Maddie.” Her mother handed her an envelope. “We thought you could use this right now.”
“Thank you.” Madeleine opened the envelope containing a $200 gift card to a home improvement store. “Jack. Mom. This is too much.”
“We know you’re working on your house, and we want to help,” Jack chimed in. “You can buy whatever you need.”
“Thank you.” Madeleine stood and hugged each of them. “You really didn’t need to spend that much money. It’s extravagant.”
Mom raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “We want to help you out. We’re happy to do it.”
“I really appreciate it.” Madeleine yawned again. “I need to go to bed.”
“Good night, dear,” Mom said. “Merry Christmas.”
Madeleine walked to the guest room and changed into her pajamas. As she snuggled down in the bed, she closed her eyes and then fell asleep wondering how Saul and Emma were.
Madeleine poured herself a cup of coffee in her mother’s kitchen. She’d spent nearly an hour opening gifts with her parents. Her mother had showered her with new clothes, more gift cards, and jewelry. Madeleine was overwhelmed by her parents’ generosity. Was the Amish way of being thrifty but thoughtful already rubbing off on her? Why did she even bother thinking the way the Amish did? After all, she wasn’t worthy of their community. She would never be accepted as one of them.
Mom stepped into the kitchen and smiled. “May I have a cup of coffee with you, Maddie?”
“That would be nice.” Madeleine poured a cup for her mother and handed it to her. “Merry Christmas.” She sat down at the table.
“Yes, Merry Christmas.” Mom sat across from her. “Thank you for the gift card and the sweater.”
“You’re welcome.” Madeleine sipped her coffee. “I feel bad for not giving you and Jack as much as you gave me.”
Mom waved off the comment. “Don’t be silly. You spent all of that money coming out here to see us. Besides, it’s the thought that counts. We’re just happy you’re here.”
A news anchor on the television sounded from the family room where her stepfather sat on the sofa.
“I’m happy I’m here too.” Madeleine said the words, but she felt as if she’d left her heart in Pennsylvania.
“Tell me the truth. Why did you really come out here?” Mom asked.
Madeleine studied her mother. “What do you mean?”
“Maddie, I know you. You’re not quite as impulsive as you pretend to be. Normally, when you make up your mind about something, you follow through. You told me more than a month ago that you wanted to spend your first Christmas in your new house. You even said you didn’t care that the house didn’t have central heat and you had to deal with that coal stove.” Mom studied her. “Why did you change your mind?”
“I just wanted to be here.” Madeleine pushed her hair back from her shoulder. “I wanted to have another Christmas in California.”
Mom frowned. “Something is bothering you. What is it?”
“I’m fine.” Madeleine sipped her coffee. “Everything is great.”
“Does it have something to do with your neighbors?”
Madeleine knew she was caught. She nodded and sighed. “Yes, it does. It has everything to do with them.” She told her mother the whole story, starting with the church service after Thanksgiving and ending with the gifts she’d left on her kitchen table for Emma and Saul. She’d managed to share her feelings without getting emotional, but the heartache swelled within her.
Mom listened with sympathy in her eyes, and Madeleine was thankful for her mother’s patient silence.
“But honestly, I didn’t come out here just to get away from Saul and Emma. I also didn’t want to be alone on Christmas. It only made sense to come and see my family.” She gestured dramatically. “That’s it. That’s my messed-up life in Amish Country. You told me to be careful, but I wound up getting hurt.” She held her breath while waiting for her mother’s response.
“I know how Saul feels,” Mom finally said.
“You do?”
“I don’t know if I ever told you, but I had been participating in baptism classes before I met your father. I wasn’t in the exact same position Saul is in. However, I was preparing to give my heart to the church when I met someone who wasn’t a part of the church. Your father had no intention of becoming Amish.” She gave a wry grin. “He had no intention of being true to me or to any church. I was too young and naive to realize the kind of man he was.”
Madeleine nodded. She’d heard the stories before about her father’s lack of loyalty to anyone but himself.
“Saul is confused, and he doesn’t know what to do. He feels caught between his loyalty to the church and his feelings for you.” Mom’s expression was sad. “He has a child to think of, and I doubt he’s going to choose you. I’m sorry, Maddie. I think you need to try to forget him.”
Madeleine gripped the cup in her hands. “I thought we were close, and then he rejected me. I never expected this to hurt that much.”
“You grew attached to him and his daughter.” Mom touched her hand. “I understand. Maybe it would be better if you sold the house and came back here. Maybe Amish Country isn’t right for you.”
“No, that’s not true.” Madeleine shook her head.
“I worry about you being out there alone. You’ve been through a lot, losing Travis the way you did.” Mom’s eyes glistened with tears. “I hate that you’re all alone.”
“I’ll be fine, Mom. I promise,” Madeleine insisted. “I love it there. It feels like home. I just need to find a way to let go of these feelings for Saul and Emma.”
“You have to forgive Saul, and then yes, let it go.” Mom squeezed her hand. “Leaving the community was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made. I knew I was breaking my parents’ hearts, and I felt guilty for leaving my friends. At the same time, however, I believed God was leading me on a new path.”
“Did you think you misread God’s plans for you after my father left?” Madeleine asked.
“No.” Mom shook her head, and her hazel eyes still glistened with tears. “You are the greatest blessing in my life. I believe I was supposed to have you. You’re my blessing, and you were a blessing to your grandparents.”
Madeleine smiled as tears filled her eyes too. “Thank you, Mom.”
“I mean that, but you have to appreciate Saul’s position in the community. You told me his wife left him, right?”
Madeleine nodded. “His wife left him for another man and divorced him.”
“See, that’s even more devastating for him because he’s Amish. When she left, she broke her vow to him and to the church. And to make matters worse, she divorced him, which the Amish believe is a sin. He can’t possibly consider leaving the church to be with you after his wife abandoned him and their child—even though she’s dead now.”
“I understand that.” Madeleine nodded. “I’m not asking him to leave the church for me.”
“I know you’re not asking him to do it, but he may feel tempted by you. Your giving him space is a good plan.”
“That’s one of the reasons I’m here.” Madeleine lifted her cup. “I’m giving him a chance to finish the cabinets. Once he’s done, we won’t have to see each other except in passing.”
“It will be fine,” Mom insisted. “Just give him time. Maybe he’ll find a way to be your friend after he sorts through his feelings.” She stood. “How about some coffee cake? I’ll put a fresh pot of coffee on too.”
“That sounds good.” Madeleine sent up a silent prayer for Saul and Emma. She prayed they were enjoying a nice Christmas and that God would find a way to heal her broken heart.
Later that evening, Emma rushed into the family room and ran over to the small pile
of gifts Saul had given her that morning. Christmas Day had been exciting for her.
“I love my new ice skates!” Emma pulled off her shoes and straightened her socks. “I can’t wait to use them. Do you think the pond will be frozen by the weekend? Maybe Esther and I can skate together.”
“It might be.” Saul sat down in a chair across from her and watched her pull on one of the skates. All the way home, he’d been thinking about how thankful he was that Marcus and Sylvia invited them over on Christmas every year to make sure they weren’t home alone.
“I wonder if Maddie is having a nice Christmas,” Emma said as she pulled on her second new skate. “I miss her, Dat.”
I do too. I miss her smile. I miss her sense of humor and the way she likes to tease me. I miss her laugh. I miss everything about her.
The mental response caught Saul off guard, and he frowned.
“She’s with her family, which is where she belongs,” he said, even though he didn’t truly believe the words. He’d eventually move past the feeling of loss that haunted him. After all, he’d gotten used to being without his parents and his brother. He still missed them, but the pain wasn’t as bad. The loss eventually transformed into a dull ache that loomed in the back of his mind. Surely losing Madeleine would get easier as the years wore on.
“I made her a card.” Emma laced up the skates while she spoke. “It’s on my dresser in my room.”
“You did?” he asked. “I told you not to give her anything.”
“It’s just a thank-you card.” Emma examined her white skates. “It’s only proper to give her a thank-you note after receiving a gift from her. That’s what Sylvia says.”
He nodded. “Fine, but I’ll leave it at her haus. I’m going to finish installing the cabinets and countertop and try to get the plumber there before she gets home.”
“I’ll put my note in the kitchen when I feed the cats tomorrow. You know I love spending time with them. Her kittens are just as cute as the ones in our barn.” Emma moved her feet back and forth and studied her skates. “These are very schee. Danki, Dat. Frehlicher Grischtdaag.”