Rowdy had a very valid point: I wasn’t my dad. I hated everything about the man, so I tried day in and day out to purposely make decisions that would lead me in the opposite direction from the road he walked. Part of that meant I didn’t allow room in my life for any one girl to get close. I dated, I slept around, and I crashed with girls who were easy to leave, easy to walk away from. I tried to pick ones who knew the rules so that when I left on tour or moved on, it was no big deal. I was twenty-five, successful, had an awesome group of friends, and more opportunities at my fingertips than I could count, and yet I had all of that alone. There was no one to share it with, no one to enjoy it all with, because I was always deathly afraid of what would happen if I let someone matter that much.
That night with Ayden, all those months ago, I think I knew.
I think even then, when we were still basically strangers, I knew that if I had gone into that apartment with her I wouldn’t have been able to just walk away, to just shake her loose and let her not matter. I think even then I recognized how important she could be to me and was absolute terrified by it. I could suddenly see myself starting to worry about my nonexistent financial portfolio or what tax bracket I was going to fall into, and that just wasn’t cool with me. She set me off balance and I didn’t like it at all.
I didn’t know if hooking up with Ayden for anything long-term was even something worth contemplating, but I did know that the idea of morphing into a stockbroker to make her happy wasn’t an option, not when I knew I was never going to sacrifice music and what I loved for any girl. I just didn’t know what to do with any of that from here, because after that kiss things clearly had to change.
Chapter 5
Ayden
I hardly slept at all, even though Rowdy went out of his way to be a good host. He bundled me up in a pair of track pants that were way too long and way too big, and gave me a T-shirt with a logo on it from the tattoo shop where he worked. He gave me a soft blanket and a pillow for the couch, and even more helpfully, he gave me a shot of Jäger from the freezer and let me bitch about how pissed off at Jet I was for more than an hour without trying to defend him or justify his actions.
He was like a gigantic, blond teddy bear, only covered in ink and rocking badass chops and sporting a wicked tattoo of an anchor on the side of his neck. He did a whole lot of nodding and grunting in response, but never interjected or told me to calm down. The sun was coming up by the time my eyes were finally too heavy to keep open, and even as I drifted off to sleep, all I could see was Jet sneering and telling the crowd that he didn’t play any kind of love song.
I woke up done. Done feeling caught between the past and the present. Done trying to think twenty steps ahead, because no matter what I did, good or bad, I ended up getting hurt and feeling awful. I was hurting good people and acting impulsively, and all I had to show for it was some seriously twisted feelings for a guy who I couldn’t even get to see the real me.
The resolve was great, and I felt ten feet tall until the front door to the apartment opened while I was folding up the blanket and putting away my makeshift bed. I turned to see the current cause of all my strife come waltzing in with a couple of coffees, as if he hadn’t turned my everything upside down last night with a simple touch and a kiss to end all kisses. Those dark eyes were even more shadowed than normal, and his mouth was pulled tight, like he had to stop himself from saying something that would set everything off once again. It pissed me off even more when I remembered that he looked really, really good with a little overnight scruff on his face in the morning.
I glared at him and crossed my arms over my chest. “What are you doing here?”
He offered me one of the coffees, but I shook my head and moved to put the couch between us. I didn’t know if he had gone home alone last night, didn’t know if he had gone home at all, and that was one of the major reasons I had taken Rowdy up on his offer to crash on his couch. If Jet had been alone, I would have been tempted to smother him in his sleep. If he had come home with another girl, not only would I have had to move out the next morning, but I also would have had to hire a lawyer because a double homicide would have been certain.
“Cora told me you were here, and I was hoping we could talk before I took you home to get ready for work.”
He sounded kind of lost, like he wasn’t really sure what he was doing here himself. I couldn’t forget that he thought I was just some innocent little flower who shouldn’t be touched by dirty hands. I was so sick of him thinking he knew anything about me or how I really felt about him.
“I heard everything you had to say loud and clear last night, Jet. No need to repeat it—in fact, please don’t. I’ve had enough of you telling me how things are between us to last a lifetime.”
He sighed and I felt how deep down it came from. He set both the coffees on the table in front of the couch and shoved his hands into his jeans. I wondered how he had room.
“That was a shitty thing I did last night. I’m sorry.”
I bristled automatically, because even though I was madder than hell at him, I didn’t want him to be sorry for touching me and for making me feel more than I had felt in years. I wanted him to be as affected by it as I was, and to not be able to stop himself from doing it again.
“I thought you weren’t going to apologize for it, that you were just going to make sure it didn’t happen again.” There was bitterness there I couldn’t disguise.
His velvety eyes flared suddenly and the golden rims blazed with a passion that burned across the distance separating us. “I’m not apologizing for that, Ayd. God, I was up all night thinking about it, thinking about you. I’m sorry about the song, sorry for making you feel bad, sorry for being an asshole. You keep telling me I don’t know you, and that I don’t have a clue, but the truth is, we don’t know each other, and I don’t know that either of us is really ready to handle the other. What I do know is I want you more than I want to keep breathing.”
He sounded so sincere, and looked so earnest, that I felt something start to break loose in the center of my chest. And then it cracked wide open when he continued in a gruff voice. “My dad is a nutcase and an emotional wrecking ball. He knocked my mom up when she was just a kid and has spent all of his time since then beating her down emotionally. He has made her into this version of herself who has no will, no desire, and no drive to do anything but please him. He cheats on her, and he takes off for months on end and doesn’t call or say when he’s coming back. He’s never had a steady job, and to this day she works herself to death to support both of them, while telling me over and over again it’s not as bad as it really is.”
I saw his dark eyebrows pull low over his eyes and his hands turn into fists.
“I know I don’t ever want anything like that—I don’t ever want to be like that. I also know that no one in a long time has gotten to me the way you do. Girls come and go. I like to think we always have a good time, but none of them has ever stayed with me the way you do. Maybe you aren’t this paragon of virtue I try to make you into. In fact, after getting my hands on you and in you, I’m pretty sure you’re not even close. Why don’t you give me a shot to get to know the other side of you?”
“What exactly are you saying, Jet? You want to be friends with benefits? You want to wander across the hall and hook up occasionally? You need to clarify what we’re talking about because last night I could have happily strangled you.” My voice cracked a little, betraying just how badly the sting of his words and his dismissal of it all had hurt.
He moved a few steps closer to me and I struggled not to suck in a nervous breath. Given the chance, I was afraid all the things I kept locked down where this guy was concerned would break free and the decision as to what we would be to each other would simply be taken out of my hands. He always seemed so much bigger and more powerful than all the other things I was constantly battling with.
One side of his mouth kicked up in a grin and I felt the effect of it in the pit of my stoma
ch. He didn’t have to flirt or try to be charming, not with a grin wicked enough to promise so much more than a fantastic time.
“I wanna have sex, Ayd. Lots and lots of sex . . . with you and only you. Does it have to be more than that right now? After last night how can you deny that you want it, too?”
I shook my head a little and let out a slow exhale. I was going to ask him what had changed, since all the complications he seemed stuck on when we first met still existed, but he went on and rendered me silent.
“I’m not saying it couldn’t eventually lead to more, but right now I feel pretty broken and I’m not really sure there are enough pieces lying around to put me back together.”
That was heartbreaking and I couldn’t fault him for his honesty; in fact I think I appreciated that more than the back-and-forth tug and pull that had been eating at me over the last year. We just stared at each other in silence until my phone rang from somewhere over by where he was standing. He picked it up and threw it at me without looking at the display. I frowned when I saw it was the same Kentucky number that had been calling me the other day. I swiped the screen to answer it and was greeted with dead air. I called “hello” into the phone several times and got no response. I tossed the phone on the couch; that particular problem could wait for now, and turned back to Jet.
“Let me be absolutely clear, Jet. We live right across the hall from each other, we have all our friends in common, and we have very different views on the fundamentals of what is important to our futures. None of those things has changed since the first time you told me we couldn’t start anything up, so how exactly does this play out for you?”
I knew what I wanted: him. I felt like I had wanted him forever. I wasn’t going to be all crazy and say that I was in love with him, that I couldn’t live without him, but he did something to me, got to me in a way no one else ever had. He might think he was broken, but I knew the truth—that he was funny, sweet, and undeniably talented and there were more than enough pieces of him at my disposal if I wanted to try to put him back together. He had so much to offer even if they weren’t the things I had spent years telling myself I wanted, and I wondered if I could share all my secrets with him and finally be done lugging them around all by myself.
He rocked back on the heels of his boots, and the spikes in his ears made him look extra devilish. A half grin twisted his mouth and it was easy to see why girls all across town were so in lust with him. “It plays out day by day and moment by moment. I get the feeling that anything more than that would send you sprinting in the opposite direction.”
I felt my eyes widen in surprise and my mouth fall open. I guess there was something to be said for in-your-face forthrightness, but I hadn’t been expecting that. I didn’t realize he knew me well enough to know that’s more than likely exactly what I would have done. I didn’t get a chance to respond because apparently he was done talking. He moved toward me and scooped me up in hard arms.
This time when he kissed me there was none of the anger, none of the desperation and hurt that had filled the space between us last night. This was a kiss that was filled with promise, filled with all the things that had been hot and heavy between us for so long. I forgot I was standing in Rowdy’s apartment, and that I was furious at him moments ago. I forgot everything except how he felt and how he made me feel, and I lost myself in the glide of his tongue across mine and in the grip of his fingers on my hips. I had waited forever for this boy, and had wanted him, coveted him for so long it felt like the longing was a living, breathing thing inside me.
Jet just reached right into the heart of where all that desire lived, where all that lust had percolated and boiled, and he pulled it to the surface with nothing more than a soft brush of fingertips and an artfully twisted tongue. He kissed me like we had all the time in the world to do it over and over again. He kissed me like he was trying to memorize every action, every sound, and every taste, so that he could write songs about it. He kissed me like I was the only girl he was ever going to kiss again, and it made my head spin and my breathing choppy. I wanted to suck on that bar in the center of his tongue like it was lollipop.
I had my hands wrapped up in that choppy black hair and was working my way up to climbing him like a tree, even though we were out in the open in his best friend’s living room, when we heard a throat being cleared and saw Rowdy come meandering out of the kitchen. He was holding a banana and watching us with humor dancing in his bright blue eyes.
“I wasn’t going to interrupt but I like my couch and don’t need Jet getting it all sexed up. Besides, I doubt either one of you is paying attention to the time. Ayd’s gotta get going if she’s going to make it to work.”
I swore and dashed to where I had tossed my phone earlier. He was right; I barely had time to get back to the house and grab my uniform. I looked at Jet with wide eyes. “I need to go.”
He nodded, looked at Rowdy and pointed to the abandoned coffee on the table. “Even though you’re a cock-blocker, you can have that.”
Rowdy chuckled and lifted an eyebrow. “I saved your sorry ass and you know it.”
I didn’t know what they were talking about and I didn’t have the time to get into it, so I gave Rowdy a quick kiss good-bye with a mumbled “thank you,” grabbed Jet by the elbow, and towed him out of the apartment. We were both pretty quiet in the car on the way back to the house. I wanted to ask if he had gone home alone last night, but figured if he hadn’t, there was no way Cora would have told him where I was. I barely let him pull into the driveway before dashing inside to scoop up all my stuff. He hovered uneasily at my bedroom doorway, watching me run around like a madwoman. I looked at him over my shoulder as I shoved my uniform in my bag and frantically ran a brush through my hair.
“What’s wrong?”
He shrugged a shoulder and propped himself up in the doorway. “I just don’t know what we do now.”
I wasn’t entirely certain how to answer that, either, so I stopped in front of him and kissed him long and hard on a surprised mouth. “Me, either, but we have time to figure it out later. How about right at this minute we just work on the lots and lots of sex part, and go from there? I think we both agree that that part is going to be a no-brainer for us, and like you said, moment to moment works just fine for me.”
When I brushed past him, I didn’t miss the anticipation gleaming in his midnight gaze. He didn’t say anything else, which I was grateful for because I was feeling like I had jumped off a very high cliff without any knowledge of what was waiting for me below, and that was terrifying. There were no guarantees that he was going to stick around once he had the entire picture laid out in front of him, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. In reality, I wanted to give him a whole lot more than that, which was enough to make me break out in nervous hives. I held on tenuously to my control, to the protection it offered my life here, and I had a sinking feeling he could make me give it all up.
When I got to work, a familiar truck was parked at the curb and I could see one very blond head and one darker one with hot pink spikes, turned toward each other. The windows were up, so I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Shaw looked mad and Rule was frowning, hard. When she caught sight of me walking by, she waved and started to scoot across the seat to the passenger door. I laughed to myself when Rule promptly pulled her back and planted a steamy kiss on her open mouth before letting her go. She was flushed and breathing hard when she walked around the front of the vehicle to stand by me. I gave her a look and she rolled her eyes at me. The driver’s window rolled down and Rule stuck his head out. No boy should be that good-looking, especially when half his face had holes and jewelry in it, but there was just something about him that commanded attention and refused to be ignored.
I had to grin at him when he asked, “Do you need me to go stomp on Jet’s head for you? That was a total dick move he pulled last night and I will gladly do it.”
I shook my head and let Shaw lace her arm through mine.
“Naw, we kind of made up.”
He lifted the eyebrow with the rings in it and gave me a lascivious grin. “Does that mean you finally got naked together?”
Shaw gasped and snapped, “Rule!” but I just laughed until tears came out of the corners of my eyes. “No, not yet, but I’m working on it.”
He smacked the side of the truck with the flat of his hand. “Atta girl.” He pointed a finger at Shaw. “You think about what I said this morning, Casper.”
Shaw made a face next to me, but hollered, “I love you, jackass!” at him when he started to roll up the window. He blew her a kiss, which made her flip him off, and started to tug me toward the bar. I tried to get her to slow her frantic pace but she was clearly worked up and in no mood to be soothed.
“What’s going on with you two?”
She cut me a sideways glance and pulled open the heavy back door. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that? You tore out of there like the place was on fire last night, and I never heard a word. I know you had to have been pissed at Jet, so what happened?”
I threw my bag on the bench and started digging around. “You go first. You talk and I’ll get dressed, and I’ll tell you what happened with us after.” I was feeling like I needed a little oomph today after yesterday’s debacle, so I went with the football uniform. I liked the white-hot pants with the blue piping and laces, and in all actuality they covered more than either the referee uniform or the cheerleader uniform did. Plus, I could wear tennis shoes with it and still look hot enough to get good tips. I heard Shaw sigh and watched as she twisted her long, two-toned hair into a braid.
“Rome is coming home in a few months. Like home, home. He’ll be out of the army for good.” Rome was Rule’s older brother and they were super close, but due to a recent, startling family secret being brought to light, he was furious with his parents. I guess he was not even getting along all that well with Rule at the moment, but he supposedly had forgiven Shaw for her part in keeping the secret for years and years.
Jet: A Marked Men Novel Page 9