Toxic

by A. C. Bextor

  “See you soon, sweetheart. Wait for me.”

  “I’ve waited a long time already, a couple more hours won’t hurt.”

  I hate pushing her away. I am adding to her stress, and she doesn’t need it, but fuck if I know how to fix this shit. I’ve never been able to play Mace. I swear she was born with a bullshit detector, and it chimes in on my ass every single time.

  ~~~~~

  “Fuckin’ hell, Shame, get a room.”

  Doc’s pissed at me. He has been, on and off, for the last few years. I’ve descended into a shade of hell, and I’m having issues trying to regain my good status among the living since my mother died, and I murdered my father.

  Murdered my own father.

  Women have helped. Not just one. I’m fuckin’ my way through as many as I can to avoid the pain. I’m not a big drinker, and I sure as fuck don’t buy, sell, or use drugs. My only addiction right now is sex. Same as any addiction, but this one doesn’t affect my ability to drive or talk coherently - much.

  I remove my hand from under the woman’s tight skirt and look at it. It’s wet from her arousal from my play inside her. My life is so much easier when the woman is this responsive.

  “Why bother? Look around, Doc. Jesus, get off my tip.” I lift my chin to all the other brothers in the club who are finger fuckin, dry humping, or suckin’ the tits of each broad here, but I’m being singled out… why?

  “I am bothered, God damn it. Anymore, Shame, I’m bothered by your behavior every fuckin’ day.”

  I turn my back on him and swing this woman around before she has a chance to take my mouth again. My dick is hard, and I need release. What I don’t need is Doc, or anyone else here, telling me how “unhealthy” it is, and that my slight sex addiction has become intolerable to those around me. I want to finish with her, before father Doc comes to step on my nut sac again and ruins my high.

  I pull her hair with a rough tug, lifting her face to mine. “Upstairs.”

  She goes like a good girl, and we head away from Doc, who continues to glare at me and mumble something about wrapping it up before dipping into another one today. The older he gets, the less fun he is.

  Before we make our way up the stairs, I hear a familiar voice that has me stopping in my step. That voice doesn’t belong here, and I cringe as soon as I hear the topic of conversation that’s taking place.

  Son of a bitch.

  “Sadey, please, just don’t. He’s going to be mad!”

  I look to the nameless face in front of me, she feels me stop and starts to put her hands on my back to ‘assist’ me up the stairs, but I stop her. “No, you go. Give me ten and be ready. No clothes.”

  She turns away from me in a huff and tromps up the stairs, as if a ten minute delay is an insult.

  I hear Hem laughing, so obviously Doc hasn’t thrown a shit fit to get our young girls to leave … yet. As I round the corner, I see Sadey, dressed like a club whore. Her lipstick is the color of candy apples; her black skirt is intended to be short and seductive, but her lack of height has it ending a little past her knees. Her shirt is nearly as red as her lips are painted, and her hair and makeup vaguely resemble Ronald McDonald.

  She’s cracked. Sadey Lyons has finally cracked.

  Hem has now controlled his laughter and is talking in complete sentences. “What the fuck are you doing here dressed like that, Sadey girl?”

  Being that he’s slow on the uptake, Hem doesn’t see it yet, even though the rest of us do. She’s here for him. I can read this all over her face, even before I look back to Mace, who is standing behind Sadey, tapping her toes and glaring at Hem.

  “What do you mean what am I doing here? I came to see you.”

  He stops smiling, now he looks concerned. “See me what, sugar?”

  Sadey struts towards him wearing, son of a bitch, high heels that are too big for her small feet. “I came to seeee you, see you.”

  Holy fuck, this is about to get interesting. I lean my body against the door, hanging on to the top of its frame and using my body as a shield, so that no other person can come in to witness the horror that’s about to unfold, right here in the main room of the Clubhouse.

  Hem’s got a hard-on, but it’s not for Sadey. It’s for the clueless blonde sitting on his lap, that not two seconds ago was offering her tit to him as a small snack before the main course later.

  Since Doc has been busy behind the bar, he missed Sadey’s entrance. He’s no longer oblivious. “What the fuck? Hem, damn it. Get your sister and Sadey out of here. This ain’t a fuckin’ daycare.” He looks to the innocence of them and softens his anger. “I’m sorry girls, but you can’t be here. That’s the rules.”

  Sadey is fuming with Doc’s dismissal. “I’m thirteen, Doc. I’m thirteen, and I’ve already seen all this before. I watch Climax when my parents are asleep in bed.”

  Fuck, Sadey. Cinemax … you watch Cinemax. Late night though, same thing as Climax, but she has no business knowing that.

  The room fills with laughter. Every person in here, including Doc, who has now cracked a smile, finds this funny. I don’t. It’s fucked up. I send a death glare to those that are about to start rollin’ on the floor. They don’t want me to move from my spot. I grip the top of the door tight and clench my jaw, willing myself not to move from here and let Hem handle this.

  Finally, though, after the room quiets, and realizing that no one will fill the void due to the awkward scene playing out, I make my way to Mace, who is now even more pissed off at Sadey. I bend down and listen to her tell me what the fuck is happening.

  Mace whispers the explanation, and it all becomes clear as-fuckin’-mud. “She started her period today. She told me she’s a woman, and she’s going to get ‘her man.’ Please help me, Shame. I want to die.”

  First, I do not want to hear that our little Sadey has started her period. This unleashes raging hormones within a teenage girl and causes them to … well, act like this.

  Second, this means that Mace either has or soon will follow suit into becoming a woman. Even though she and I are friends, and I care for her more than any other person on this planet, I don’t relish the jail time I’m going to face knowing eventually that some punk is going to smell her womanhood and come callin’. This serves as a reminder that I need to buy more bullets. Already my trigger finger itches.

  After taking a deep breath, I crack a small smile, trying to ease her tension as well as mine. I move her, so she’s standing behind me. She doesn’t need to witness this either, even if every other brother is rubber necking the scene as part of today’s comic relief. She’s got a hold of my shirt, and her hands have started kneading their way into my back.

  Before I can register what’s happening, I see Sadey making her way to Hem, who still sits on his ass with his hard-on. Immediately, and without hesitation, Sadey steps closer to touch him. He jerks back in surprise and pushes tonight’s slut off his lap. Slut goes tumbling down, with hair flying and boobs bouncing. Sadey doesn’t even give her a second look.

  I’m not sure since I’m across the room, but if I’m not seeing things, I’m fairly certain she just puckered her lips at him once the woman vacated his lap.

  Hem grabs her shoulders and smiles at her softly. “Sadey, no. Is this a joke?”

  She’s stunned, hurt, and now she’s angry. “No, Hem, it’s not a joke.”

  “You kidding me, Sadey girl? You’re a kid. You’re not actin’ right. Is everything okay at school?”

  Shit, Hem. You’re a fuckin’ dumbass.

  I’m waiting for Sadey to get it together long enough so I can get them to exit the building. When I get a glimpse of Doc, who has gone from not so angry about them being here, to now furious, I know that’s my cue.

  I rush to Sadey, grabbing her to me - her back to my front. She doesn’t even know it’s me, not that it would matter. Nothing matters when your heart is laying exposed, in the open, to every other person.

  Flipping Hem off, I move her away from hi
m and head towards the door with her held tight in my grasp. Hem is too ignorant to a teenage girl’s feelings to catch on that he’s probably marked her for life, so he doesn’t stop adding his insults to injuries, and he doesn’t even have to give it effort.

  “Sadey girl, if it makes you feel better, I think you look cute.”

  Clueless bastard.

  Fuck if she doesn’t see red now. In a quick turn, pushing me away from her, she whips off her left shoe and aims right for Hem - missing him completely. I wish she would’ve pegged his ass.

  Doc interrupts, sensing this has gone from bad to worse. “Patrick Collins, you’re a punk ass son of a bitch. You’re either incredibly stupid, which I’m betting I’m right on that point, or you’re just trying to upset a teenager on purpose. Shut the fuck up. Quit talking. Don’t even look at the girl.” He stares at Hem and shakes his head in disgust as he mutters. “No fuckin’ manners.”

  I nod to Doc in thanks for handling Hem. Pushing the broken hearted girl outside and into the truck, with Mace close behind us, I take them both home, to the safety of each other’s company.

  On the way home Sadey remains speechless, and only the sounds of her feral sobs take up the room in the truck. This girl can cry, and now that she’s entered womanhood, I’m fairly certain we’re going to meet this crying mess on a monthly basis. This leaves me marking my mental calendar. I’m going to be busy handling situations such as these for years to come.

  Once at the house, I shut down the engine. I turn to the back seat where Sadey has yet to compose herself. “Sit your ass here. Don’t get out yet.”

  She doesn’t answer, just nods. I make my way to the other side, pulling Mace out of my truck first. Then I grab for Sadey, but I don’t put her down. I let her cling to my heavy frame, and she’s clinging hard. She’s looking for comfort in me because Hem’s not around to ease her. Not that he could since he’s the cause, but I’m glad he’s not here.

  “Sadey, buddy, he’s stupid.”

  She still hasn’t said a word. My heart hurts for her. Sadey is just now realizing she has a crush on Hem. She’s always been partial to him, but the older she gets, the more she envisions them together, as in forever together. Tonight was the first time she ever thought to do anything about it. Not that he could respond at all, because that would get him castrated in prison.

  Even at thirteen, she’s too good for him. At this point, he doesn’t even deserve her friendship.

  I put her down at Mace’s front door, unsure if anyone is home or not. Bringing myself eye level to her, I clean up her face as much as I can without a towel. “Baby girl, look at me.”

  Her head continues to hang down, but I can still see the stained makeup streaking her small face. “Hey.” I pull her face up, so she’s looking at me; she finally gives in and offers me a half smile.

  “I’m sorry, Shame. I shouldn’t have gone there. Don’t be mad, and will you please tell Hem not to be mad?”

  This sweet child is worried about him being pissed at her. Fuck that, and fuck him.

  Gripping the back of her neck, so she knows it’s time to really listen to me, I say. “Not your fault, don’t think another thing about it. I’ll handle Hem. He’s not mad at you. You sure as shit surprised him, though. Maybe next time you should write him a note. Ya know, just jot down some thoughts. This make-up you have on, these clothes you’re wearing, and this hair - honey, none of it is needed.”

  I put my hand against her chest, under my palm I feel her heart beating fast. She’s stressed. “This right here - when you give this away, it’s for someone special. You still have a lot of time to figure that shit out.”

  She smiles at me and looks to Mace, who is smiling at me as well. I wink at them, and stand straight and start to turn towards the truck, makin’ my way down the drive.

  “Shame?”

  Sadey is still quiet, but Mace always has something to say in her voiced absence. Both these girls can finish any conversation with an outsider when the other becomes speechless.

  Her voice strains a bit because I’ve gained some distance from them. “You love her face. You forgot to tell her you love her face.”

  Turning around I try to hide my smile. Tucking my hands in my pockets to ease Mace’s worry, I say, loud enough for Sadey to understand I mean what I’m saying. “She knows, Mace. Go cheer her up already, would ya?”

  Maybe Oreos, or some chick food like that, will help Sadey cure her heart of this disaster.

  Agenda priority one: I’m going back to beat Hem’s ass.

  I love my brother, but fuck if he ain’t stupid.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “From the moment absurdity is recognized, it becomes a passion, the most harrowing of all. But whether or not one can live with one's passions, whether or not one can accept their law, which is to burn the heart they simultaneously exalt - that is the whole question.”

  -Albert Camus

  “Lynda, fuck I hope you can hear me.”

  After leaving the gas station and talking to Mace, I set out to just drive. I know where I should be right now, but I’m not ready. This whole day started with Mace missing her mom. I miss her too. It’s been a long time since I made myself come here.

  During Hem’s ‘burial’, I was so distraught and upset about losing him, I didn’t give notice that Lynda was right beside what I thought was my best friend. As usual, I didn’t appreciate her enough, even as she laid there with us in attendance, as they lowered her son’s casket next to hers in the ground - six feet under.

  My throat is swelling, and I feel my face flush from the heat of emotions. I sit down next to her marker, where Hem’s used to be, until we had it removed. I’m never at a loss for words when I’m talking to a person, but seeing her here like this, I don’t know what I should say.

  “Mace misses you. I miss you, fuck we all miss you, Lynda. Would be helpful right now if you were here. I’m messing this up. I’m afraid to lose her, but if I keep her I’m more afraid of what I’ll end up doing to her. She’s perfect the way she is, what if I take her good and make her less? She’s mine. I know that, but how long will I have her before I start hurting her like my dad hurt my mom and I?”

  I look past the other grave markers, and then turn to look at the bench behind me. Sadey would sit here with Hem for hours, talking to him as if he were there with her. She said he would talk to her, in her mind, as well. She was literally going crazy, not having him with her every day. It was beautiful, but at the same time, also harrowing.

  “Hem is being a pain in my ass, as usual. He’s happy, I wish you were here to see that shit. Hem and Sadey, did you ever think? Fuck, I didn’t. I knew she loved him, but I wasn’t sure Hem could ever love anyone the way he loves that crazy ass woman.”

  I light a smoke and get comfortable in the grass, leaning back into the bench so I can stretch my legs. I take a quick look at my phone. Mace hasn’t called back. It’s only three forty three, so I have some more time to take - if needed.

  “I wish you could tell me what I’m doing here. I love her. I’ve always loved her. Hell, I’ve wanted that girl since she was sixteen, and I knew better than to have those thoughts about your daughter. Guess I should apologize for that too, huh?”

  As I sit here looking at her grave, I’m distraught with memories of another dark time in my life. I wanted to die, fuck I had even planned it. After what I had done to my dad that night several years before, I was mixed with relief and guilt. Killing a man isn’t something I had ever done, and killing my father … that was too much.

  ~~~~~

  My head hurts. I’m hung over as hell. I just know I am, even before I open my eyes. The damn bed dips beside me, so I’m reminded that I’m not alone. The day after taking someone to bed, fuckin’ them, eatin’ them, then brushing them off for cuddling after, just sucks.

  I’m not one for beating around the bush or making things awkward, so I know getting this bitch out of here won’t be too tough for me, but hell if I d
on’t even want to move right now.

  As I lay on the bed, contemplating how to get her ass out of here without causing any more pain to my head, my mind tries to recollect the last relationship I had.

  Ginger.

  God, it’s been … well fuck, it’s been a lot of years. I’ve been screwing nameless faces, and not once have I given any thought about growing old alone. I’ve never thought about growing old at all, actually. I have Hem, Mace, and Sadey … the girls will always take care of us, won’t they?

  I am twenty six years old, and here I am; I’ve got nothing. No house, a piece of shit truck that reminds me of my dad’s, no job other than the shit I do here at the club, which isn’t much to be honest. I don’t have a woman, and I’m fairly certain that I could be formally labeled as a ‘sex addicted alcoholic’.

  Lovely.

  Now that I’m good and irritated, I push this woman in the back with my elbow, wanting to wake her and get her out of here. I need aspirin and a beer. If she’s not going to get her ass out of bed and get me these, plus a morning blow job, she’s on her way out.

  “Well, good morning, handsome.” Fuck me, she looks like a raccoon that got caught up in the garbage bin and couldn’t get out, so she camped there for the night. Jesus, she smells like it, too.

  “Out.” Shit, I hear myself talk and notice that even my voice sounds broken and depressed.

  “Oh, I don’t think you mean that.” She rolls from her stomach and now faces me, as I lay on my back with my arm secured under my head, the same head that is throbbing in pain, waiting for the aspirin and beer – and blow job.

  I point towards the door, as if she needs help finding the exit. “Out. Really, you can go. Don’t need you here anymore, I’m done. Got shit to do today.”

  She looks puzzled, as if this is the first time she’s ever faced the walk of shame after a good night of sex.

  Don’t think so, sweetie.

  “What the fuck you lookin’ at, woman? I said go.”

  Tossing me a heavy sigh, then a brutal huff that doesn’t discourage me from pressing the issue, she gets up to go. Her hair is matted from sweat. I must have worked her pretty good. I smile at myself for a second, until I realize how fuckin’ empty that feels.