Take a moment to think about times when a Command Directive might be a good choice and when a Positive Directive might work better. There is no right or wrong answer. It will be different for everyone. It’s important to be able to choose how and when to set boundaries and offer directives. Rather than seeking a formula for boundary setting, it can be helpful to have options that are flexible and adaptable to different contexts. For example, a boundary may be set differently with a coworker who interrupts a conversation than with a stranger at a music club. Positive directives can “soften the blow,” diffuse defensiveness, and redirect by offering someone something that they can do.
The directive, like name the behavior, is often more effective if it’s free of judgment, blaming, shaming, interpretation, or “meaning-making.” Meaning-making involves attaching a particular value or significance to a behavior. For example, telling someone, “You are twenty minutes late (name the behavior) … you are inconsiderate (judgment) … you being late lets me know you don’t care about me (meaning-making) … you need to be on time (Command Directive)” may elicit defensiveness about whether or not the other person really is inconsiderate or whether or not it is true that they do not consider your feelings. While there is no guarantee of how people will respond, a statement that is focused on sharing feelings, and that is free of judgment, shaming, and meaning-making may elicit less defensive reactions. Consider a different statement: “You are twenty minutes late (name the behavior) … I am feeling hurt and frustrated. I was looking forward to our time together (sharing feelings) … I really want you to try to be on time when we make plans (Positive Directive)… ” The goal is not to make sure our directives are always free of judgment or to come up with the “perfect” directive. The goal is to have a variety of options and to be intentional about choosing when and how to name the behavior or give a directive.
The section below builds on examples of naming the behavior and illustrates ways to give a directive. Each example begins with naming the behavior, then includes a Positive Directive and a Command Directive. It is important to remember that the context informs the boundary work. These statements are examples without much context. Imagine different contexts and think about different ways these scenarios may look. You might imagine using different tones, body language, volume, word choice, etc. depending on the context.
EXAMPLES
You are yelling at me. I’ll address your concerns once you can talk to me without raising your voice. Stop yelling at me right now!
You keep trying to kiss me after I have said I don’t want you to. Don’t do that anymore. Stop it. I’d feel more comfortable kissing you after we’ve spent more time together. I’m not into kissing right now, but I’d love to sit and cuddle with you on the couch.
You are standing really close to me. It makes me feel uncomfortable, can you take a step back, please. You are standing too close to me. Back off. (Notice that this example includes what could be a question, but the punctuation is a period. This is because it is not a question; it’s a statement. It could also read: Please take a step back. Some people do not like using the word Please when giving a directive. This is a personal choice and demonstrates how different people will use different ways of setting boundaries in different contexts.)
You keep calling my house when I’ve asked you to stop. Don’t call me anymore. If I am ready to be in contact, I will let you know.
When I say yes to one thing, you continue to ask for more. I’d like to be able to say yes without you asking for more. When I say yes to one thing, I would like it if you respect that by not asking for anything else. No.
It’s seems like you expect me to work late every day. I can’t work late every day. I can stay late on Wednesday and Thursday but that’s my limit. I’d like to get clarity on your expectations for me. I am unable to meet your expectations.
Broken Record
Broken record, as the name implies, is repeating the directive over and over as necessary. There are a few ways this tool can be effective. Through using the broken record strategy, you can interrupt explaining, justifying, or defending a boundary. Explaining, justifying, or defending a boundary can be distracting, emotionally and physically draining, and/or weaken your resolve. If someone is so busy explaining why a boundary is valid, they may not be aware of how their boundary is being chipped away at. Or, if a person is defending a boundary and can’t come up with a reason why their boundary is “good” or reasonable, they may not know how to maintain it. Challenging a boundary is important and not necessarily bad or wrong, but it can be difficult to feel entitled to a boundary when it has been challenged, or if the reasons for wanting or needing the boundary are unclear to the other person (or sometimes even unclear to the person setting the boundary). It is important to separate the boundary itself from the ability to explain, justify, or defend it. Acting like a broken record can help people do this because the person can simply repeat the boundary or directive in response to a challenge, a question, or when they realize they are being pulled into explaining or justifying a boundary and they don’t want to. For example, if you tell your daughter that she cannot go to a concert, it is within the realm of possibility that she will ask why or challenge your reasoning. While it may be important to give an explanation, the broken record helps ground the boundary. The parent can offer reasons and justifications (that the daughter will most likely attempt to demonstrate as unreasonable) while repeating the boundary. It can also allow people to offer compassion, empathy, or understanding without feeling as if these things undermine their boundary. “I know it’s really hard that I won’t let you go to a concert.” “I can see that me refusing to go with you to your work party is upsetting.” “I am really sorry that you are disappointed that I won’t talk to you about this.” “I get it that you are angry, and my answer is still ‘No.’”
Repeating a directive can also help keep focus on what the other person is doing in response to a boundary, rather than on defending, explaining, or justifying said boundary. Being aware of what the other person is saying and doing informs how one responds to the other person’s response to the boundary. The person might be saying one thing and doing another, which is helpful to recognize. For example, a person may say they understand a boundary but ask questions in a manner that feels like an attempt to discredit it. Or, someone may acknowledge the boundary and then proceed to ignore it. Directing attention to what is happening rather than justifying a boundary also cultivates awareness of triggers and hooks. Hooks, in this context, are the words, behaviors, actions and responses that prompt someone to give up or change a boundary. Pushback in response to a boundary is part of interpersonal relationships and in and of itself is not bad or good. When someone has set a boundary that we don’t want, all of us have looked for loopholes or ways to push back against the boundary. Whether it’s asking a friend for a ride to a party that you really really want to go to even though you know they are not that interested in attending, or asking more than once to borrow your sister’s shoes (that she never wears and that you love), or asking your partner to justify why they refuse to spend their savings on a vacation, or demanding an explanation of why the bus driver can’t let you off in between stops when it’s pouring rain. Whatever it is, at some point we have all pushed back when confronted with a boundary. It’s normal. It’s human nature and it is to be expected. The broken record strategy can be extremely helpful in negotiating pushback. Just as with give a directive, the broken record can be softened with alternatives: “I can’t work late tonight, but I can on Wednesdays”; “I don’t want to walk back with you, but I’ll wait with you until you find someone who does”; “I won’t have this conversation right now, but I will tomorrow afternoon.” It can also be softened with affirmations or acknowledgment of feelings: “I’m looking forward to hanging out and even though I can’t tonight, I’m excited to figure out a time next week”; “I appreciate your enthusiasm and it would be really helpful for me if you didn’t interrupt me un
til I’m done sharing”; “I’m sorry but that won’t work for me”; “I know it is difficult for you when I work late, let’s make sure to spend quality time together this week”; “Thank you for understanding my need for this boundary, I can see it’s challenging for you.” Of course, there are times when we don’t want or need to soften our boundary. There may be times when being the broken record simply entails saying “No” over and over again.
End an Interaction
The final skill is called end an interaction. This skill may be used to stop a conversation, finish an interaction, leave a situation, or sever a relationship. This may be done even if things are not resolved and even if the other person does not want things to end. Again, context is important. Some people have no trouble ending a conversation or walking away. Other people may have no idea how to end a discussion or even a relationship that they no longer want to be in. A person’s response to attempts to end things, and one’s reaction to their responses are also important to consider. Getting to know yourself, your hooks, and the context in which boundary-setting skills are more or less challenging is part of boundary work. Understanding why you may be able to set clear limits or end an interaction in some situations but not others is important. Likewise, identifying how we respond to people’s reactions to a boundary is part of boundary work. One can end an interaction verbally and nonverbally. Just as with the other boundary-setting skills, people will use different word choice, tones, volume, body language, gestures, facial expressions, and other communication strategies. Below are some examples class participants have shared over the years about ending an interaction:
I practiced on the bus. When someone sat next to me and started talking, I said, “You know, I don’t really want to have a conversation right now.” Then I turned and looked out the window.
At a party someone cornered me in the kitchen. I felt trapped. I was literally in the corner. Finally, I put my hand on her shoulder and said, “I am going to go get a drink” and walked away. I was nervous, I felt guilty that she would be hurt but I also felt good about it.
I have a friendship that has become toxic in the past few years. I really love him. We have been friends since we were in grade school running around the neighborhood. We did everything together all through high school. It is hard for me to think about not being friends. But I had to end it. I didn’t do it in a way I am proud of. I slowly stopped sending him messages, kind of cutting him out bit by bit. I think he figured out what I was doing because he stopped texting me and we just kind of drifted apart. I miss him, but it just wasn’t working.
I told my mother I couldn’t talk to her for a while. I told her that it was just too hard on me emotionally and that I would get in touch with her when I was ready. She was upset and I don’t think she really got why I needed space, which is part of the whole reason I need it [in the first place].
My girlfriend is a talker and after a long day sometimes it’s too much. I used to try to tell her this but we would end up talking about that, which didn’t help. After taking this class, I tried putting my hand on her leg, smiling, and just said, “I love you, I can’t talk right now.” Then sat there next to her holding her hand.
It’s hard at work. I am a cashier and sometimes people just start telling you things. Last week when a lady started talking about her daughter and I knew she would be there forever, I smiled a big smile and said, “I am sorry, I hate to interrupt you, but I really need to get back to work.”
This man approached me at the bus stop starting to ask me my name and where I was going and I put my hand up, palm facing him, and shook my head no. He looked surprised. I shifted so I wasn’t facing him and ignored him.
I broke off a relationship after things started getting bad. It took a while. I wanted to try to make it work and I know I stayed longer than I should have because I knew that he acted the way he did because of the things he had gone through when he was a kid. At some point though, it just didn’t matter. I left. I wrote a letter and left while he was at work.
I use humor a lot. As a bartender you get used to setting limits with people, you have to. When someone is pushy or not listening I will joke with them and if that doesn’t work, I let them know that if they don’t listen to me they will be asked to leave, no discussion. I let them know it’s up to them—they can listen to me or get kicked out. It is their choice.
I just walked away. It felt weird but also really cool. This guy at work talks nonstop. When you go to the break room he will follow you and start talking. I used to try to wait for a break and then say something about having to get back to work but it was hard because he would just follow me back to my desk and keep talking. This time I grabbed my coffee, smiled, turned my back on him, and walked back to my desk.
Terminating a conversation, relationship, or leaving an event or situation will be challenging for different people in different ways and in various contexts. Believing that it is acceptable to walk away, halt, interrupt, stop, redirect, and ultimately end an interaction is critical to boundary setting and boundary health. From quitting a toxic employment situation, disentangling oneself from an unhealthy relationship, ending an offensive conversation, interrupting an unsafe scenario, or getting out of a dangerous situation, ending an interaction is an important skill.
Wrapping It Up
Name the behavior, give a directive, broken record, and end an interaction are not the only ways to set and negotiate boundaries. They are a few basic tools to get you started or to add to your interpersonal repertoire. The intent of these skills is to support boundary setting that helps people negotiate, explore, communicate, and when necessary, defend wants, needs, and limits.
The goal of integrating these skills into our lives and relationships is to increase our capacity to navigate the complications of interpersonal interactions in a more grounded way. The next chapter examines challenges to using these skills and provides suggestions and examples for handling them.
Three
Challenges and Doubts
We set boundaries with all kinds of people in a variety of different situations. Some will be easy to navigate while others may involve serious challenges and obstacles. Everyone is different and what feels overwhelming to one person will be a nonissue to someone else. Sometimes setting boundaries feels natural or instinctive. Other times it might seem counterintuitive or impossible to set a boundary. One person may find it easy to name the behavior with strangers, while someone else feels more comfortable using give a directive with friends. For some people, setting boundaries with their family brings up intense anxiety. For others, saying no to anyone in a role of authority seems nearly impossible. Particular situations will require different types of boundaries and how boundaries are identified and communicated will be informed by people’s skills, capacity, and experience. This chapter considers how to identify and navigate difficult or challenging situations, how to learn from mistakes, and offers some ideas on dealing with doubts and insecurities.
Challenges as Growth
Rather than judge ourselves (or others) for the things we find difficult or are unskilled at, we can be aware of the things which challenge us and use them to help us grow. It’s not bad to feel unskilled at asking a partner for more physical touch. And it’s not good if someone else is confident in asking for more touch. It’s simply a difference in comfort, experience, skill level, personality, cultural values, norms, or individuality. It is helpful to know what contexts are difficult to set boundaries in, what skills need to be learned or practiced, and when might be a good time for support or guidance. As discussed in chapter two, in addition to identifying wants and needs, it is helpful to be aware of various elements that comprise the context in which boundaries are being set, including barriers, challenges, concerns, and emotional hooks. The more we know about ourselves the better we will be able to set, maintain, or negotiate boundaries across a variety of different situations.
In teaching boundary-setting classes, I noticed that some p
articipants believed that their boundary needed to be explained, justified, or defended. That is, if the other person did not understand and/or agree with a boundary, they often worried that it was not justified or reasonable. This belief puts a lot of pressure on a person to be able to explain or rationalize a boundary, something that is not always possible or even desirable. While most class participants claimed they had a right to set a boundary that someone didn’t like or agree with, it became apparent that when faced with this situation (during class role plays and exercises), many people did not know how to handle it, especially when navigating boundaries in scenarios that involved people they knew and wanted to maintain some kind of a relationship with. The conviction that everyone has a right to set boundaries that may upset or offend people was challenging for some students to put into “real time” practice. They struggled to justify and got hooked into explaining their boundary, often leaving them feeling confused, upset, and overwhelmed. It became clear that an important part of mastering boundary-setting skills was learning how to set a boundary without explaining or justifying it. It also became evident that an important auxiliary skill set was to help people identify and address thoughts, emotions, and interpretations that arise in response to people’s reactions (or anticipated reactions) to a boundary.
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