This ever-evolving process is rooted in discovering our own happiness. Not just an individual happiness that we are taught to seek out (mostly through new and improved gadgets and accessories), but rather a deep contentment that can hold steady when things get stormy—because they will. A deep sense of connection to how our well-being is tied to the health and well-being of our communities at a local, national, and international level. Rather than making us feel overwhelmed and as a result, isolated and complacent, this realization of connection can inspire and motivate us. It means that while we are all individuals who will set boundaries differently, we are also all part of a larger web of humanity. The distance between others and us is not so great as to be insurmountable or unimaginable. Our gift and our responsibility is to imagine. To realize my safety and well-being are linked to others’ is an amazing thing. When someone keeps himself or herself safe without blaming the victim, I, too, am safer.
One of the things I am very proud of achieving in my life is helping create Home Alive. I had the amazing opportunity to grow and mature as a facilitator, activist, artist, writer, and survivor. My exploration and boundary work have been an important part of my own healing, and these have helped me become a deeply passionate and committed supporter of healing work, both personally and professionally. One of the great joys of teaching were the “Aha” moments I got to witness class participants have: those moments where a person’s personal paradigm shifts as they integrate the information more deeply in ways that work for them.
It is my hope that you had and will continue to have some “light bulb moments” of insight and awareness that enable you to go deeper into boundary and self-care work as an individual, as a community member, and as a living being on this planet. I am humbled by all the examples I have seen of people making these connections and doing work that reflects the belief and value that we are all connected and that we all have to take care of each other as well as ourselves. Home Alive was founded on such values. We began because we saw the need to take care of each other. We believed from the beginning that violence is a community responsibility. That we have to shift the focus away from fear-based, blame-the-victim responses to a more liberation-oriented mindset that helps us imagine our lives, our relationships, and our world without violence. That doesn’t mean we don’t stay grounded in the reality that we live in a world that often perpetuates violence. We can use self-defense and boundary-setting skills to interrupt violence in the moment. We can also use them to negotiate the kinds of environments where violence is less likely to happen. These are not separate nor mutually exclusive—in fact, both are necessary.
It is challenging to not get hooked by fear. Fear permeates our landscape to such a large degree that it can seem imperceptible yet ever present. When we turn on the news, read the headlines, or reflect on the things our friends and families or ourselves go through, it is tough to not feel helpless. Helplessness can make us grasp for a quick fix. We must resist this urge. We must keep learning how to resist it and work to be compassionate with ourselves, especially in the moments we feel unable to. Through compassion, we can move past those moments of fear and helplessness and into our courage and tremendous capacity.
Boundary setting is about who and how we are in the world. This means staying present in the current moment, understanding our past, and looking to the future. It means being bold, envisioning how you want to be and what kind of world you want to be in.
Exercises
Below are a few different exercises I have used in classes and workshops. They build on the material in the book, and while it is not necessary to read the book in order to use the exercises, I have made notes for when it may be helpful to reference chapter material.
The Relationship Solar System
This exercise has come from a variety of sources in a variety of formats. I have seen it facilitated in different ways by tremendously talented teachers and facilitators, including all the amazing Home Alive instructors who brought to it their own expertise and experience. There is also a similar exercise in The Courage to Trust by Cynthia L. Wall. The “Relationship Solar System” exercise helps you create a visual image or snapshot of the various relationships in your life. Start by listing the various people in your life and then place them on a “solar system,” with you in the center. This exercise is a tool to help you reflect on the relationships you have in your life at the present moment. There is no “right” kind of solar system and there is no right way to create and draw one. Have fun and be creative. This is a tool to help you grow and learn, not to doubt your abilities or beat yourself up.
You can do this exercise whenever you want to get a snapshot of the people in your life. Some people find it helpful to do on a regular basis while others do it when they are reflecting on something specific. Use it in whatever way works best for you. Play with it. There are many different versions of this exercise and it is always being redeveloped and modified as facilitators and participants adapt it to work for their particular focus. This is not about doing something right; it’s about having another tool for us to get to know ourselves and our relationships so we can make informed choices about what we need and want.
Setting Up the Solar System
First, brainstorm all the different types of relationships you have in your life and write them on a piece of paper. Types of relationships may include personal, family, acquaintances, friends, people in your social networks, mentors, teachers, supervisors, coworkers, people you volunteer with, and the service industry (people you serve or those who serve you, such as baristas, beauticians, consultants, coaches, counselors, or body workers).
Next, on a separate piece of paper, using the different types of relationships as your guide, list people who are in your life at the present moment. You can make columns with the different types of relationships as headings, or you can create a list in whatever way works for you. You don’t have to include every person who fits in each relationship category. And you don’t have to go through every relationship category. You can if that works for you, but if you get stuck in trying to fill in every category or begin to feel overwhelmed by including every person, ease up. The goal of this is to get you thinking about the various types of relationships you have in your life and some of the people who make up the different types of relationships, not to draft a comprehensive list of every person who makes up your solar system.
Next, take another blank sheet of paper and draw yourself in the center. If drawing yourself feels stressful, you can use a symbol or a stick figure or simply write your name—aesthetics are not important (unless that is helpful for you). It is simply a useful, visual snapshot of the relationships in your world. After you have drawn yourself in the center, draw circles around yourself, moving from the center outward, like the rings in a solar system. There are no rules for how many rings you draw, but most people draw 3–5 as a place to start. The rings represent the degrees or differences in our relationships. The closer the ring is to your center, the closer the person is to you. Closeness, of course, is subjective—people can be physically close but emotionally distant. Or there may be people in our lives with whom we are very intimate but who live far away. We will explore more when we place people on our solar system.
Now that you have your solar system map, it’s time to place people from your list on it. There is not a right way to begin, just start putting people on your solar system in the place that feels right to you in this moment. Remember, this is not a permanent image of how your relationships are; it’s a snapshot of how you see things today. As mentioned above, there are times when someone may be close yet distant; in that case, place that person where you think they should go today. If in this moment a friend feels very far away even though they live with you, you may put them on or near the second or third ring. Tomorrow it may be different. You may have just had a very intimate talk with a new friend or a fight with your brother. You may be feeling close with your coworkers but don’t see them outside of
work. People’s degree of intimacy, importance, presence, and closeness will vary. People in the same category will be very different from each other. We are not close in the same way with every friend, for example. Even the categories people are in may change over time. For example, strangers become friends, friends become partners, acquaintances become mentors, and supervisors become friends. Again, there isn’t a right place to put people; this exercise is about asking yourself where you feel they should be in this moment.
Once you have completed your solar system, you will be using different color pens, pencils, or markers to signify the types of relationships represented. You can circle friendships, underline work relationships, put a star next to family, and a dot under acquaintances … use whatever symbols and colors work for you.
After signifying different types of relationships, you will again use different color pens, pencils, or markers to identify relationship dynamics. For example, conflicted, supportive (you provide support, they provide support, or both), full of admiration, joyful, constricting, nurturing, healing, tense, loving, casual, serious, argumentative, challenging, painful, scary, critical, warm, friendly, awkward. You can use red squiggly lines for conflict and yellow thick lines for supportive. Again, use colors and symbols that work for you.
Now it’s time to reflect on your solar system. Listed below are some questions to get you started, followed by a few writing exercises: What do you notice first when you look at your solar system?
What thoughts and emotions come up?
Are there places or patterns on your solar system that bring up strong emotions (positive or negative)?
Did anything surprise you?
Are there patterns that you would like to change? Maintain?
Can you identify what actions to take to change or maintain them?
Connecting Our Solar System to Boundary Setting
The following questions help connect the solar system exercise to different boundary-setting skills:
How might the different boundary-setting skills, such as name the behavior, give a directive, or the broken record, be used differently with different people on your solar system?
Who in your solar system is also in your support system? Is there anyone who is not included that you would like to have in your support system?
Who would be part of your reflective loop? Why? What role would they play (critical and constructive feedback, emotional support, etc.)?
Boundary-Setting Writing Exercises
These writing exercises can be done as journal entries where you answer the question specifically, or as a free write where you simply write what comes into your head in response to the questions for five minutes (you can do more if you like) without stopping or putting the pen down. They can be used as topics for group discussion topic or something to discuss in your relationships, friendships, or individually.
How can boundaries help me create the kinds of relationships I want?
How can boundaries help me nurture the relationships I have that I want to keep?
How can the skills and tools discussed in this book be used to increase compassion for myself? For others?
How can I use boundaries to enact my values? To work toward building the kind of community or communities that uphold varied yet shared values of liberation and justice?
How can I use boundaries to create accountability?
How Do We Do What We Do?
This exercise explores the myths of what it means to be a “good” activist and some of the expectations that may be placed on activists and those committed to social justice. You will be drawing an image of yourself and then filling it in as you go through the exercise. After you finish the drawing, you’ll explore a series of questions to help you reflect.
Draw an outline of yourself on the left side of a sheet of blank paper. For now, leave the right side blank and leave a little bit of room at the top. After you draw yourself, write “What are some of the qualities that may be expected of a good/effective activist?” across the top. List them inside the outline of yourself. Some examples may include: humble, articulate, dedicated, loyal, hardworking, able or willing to work for low pay/no health care, generous with time or money, kind, caring, compassionate, willing to take risks, intelligent, and passionate. These are qualities we may or may not have, or may or may not want or value. They may be expectations we have for ourselves or for others, or expectations placed on us by other people or work cultures/structures.
Once you finish filling in the outline of your body with the qualities, you will begin to divide them into two categories as best you can. There will be some overlap and that’s okay. This exercise is more about the process of exploring expectations and the impact they have than which quality gets placed into which category. Take two different color pens. Use one color to circle all the qualities that feed your soul, give you energy, contribute to your sense of self or your sense of vibrancy, help you feel connected to yourself, to other people and/or the work, or are in line with your values. With the other color, circle all the things that drain you; take up your time/energy in ways that do not feel good; contribute to a sense of disconnection from yourself, to others, and/or the work; deplete your sense of self or vibrancy; or may not fit in with your values. You can circle both or not circle some.
Now, take a moment to reflect. You can use the questions below to help generate self-reflection or dialogue if you are doing this exercise with a group:
What came up for you emotionally, physically, or mentally as you did this exercise?
What myths or ideas about the ideal activist are embodied by what you circled?
Did you circle something with both colors? If so, how can you create balance here? Is balance necessary in this instance? Why or why not?
Are there things that surprised you? Why?
Which qualities are not written inside your body outline that you would like to include?
Are there any qualities that you included but that you would now like to not have inside your outline? Why? Are there ways to use boundary setting to remove them?
Moving from Judgment to Non-Judgment Exercise
In this next exercise, you will fill in answers to two sets of questions in order to explore how judgment plays a role in your experiences, feelings, and behaviors. In the first set, you will be looking at how you respond to events, the internal dialogue that arises from events, and reflecting on how your internal dialogue affects your emotions and behaviors. In the second set, you will explore alternative and nonjudgmental ways of responding to events.
Start with an event then go through the corresponding list, filling in your emotional response, the judgment that arises, your emotional response to the judgment, and then identify the resulting behavior(s). The second list provides a way to practice using nonjudgmental language and frameworks for responding to events. There is an example to get you started. Note that the event and emotional response are the same in each list. This is because you are not trying to change your emotional response to an event or something that activates strong emotions or sensations. As you explore your responses and learn new skills, your emotions may change. But the goal is not to change your emotions; rather it is to be mindful of your thoughts and behaviors. In other words, we are not trying to control our emotions, but change our responses to them.
Judgment and the Response Pattern
Event/action: being late for work
Emotional response: guilt
Judgment: I am a bad person
Emotional response to judgment: shame
Resulting behavior: isolation; telling yourself you don’t deserve to take a lunch break
Non-Judgment Response Pattern
Event/action: being late for work
Emotional response: guilt
Mindful response: identify feelings and sensations in the body (e.g., I feel guilty, I feel tingling in my jaw, a tightness in my belly, an urge to run, toes tensed, etc.)
Emotional response to
mindfulness: acceptance of feeling guilty, using breath and hand on chest to ground and calm alongside guilty feeling
Resulting behavior: self-compassion (everyone is late once in a while), acceptance (I feel guilty and I haven’t done anything wrong)
Resources and Resiliency
This next exercise explores various kinds of resources. There are many different types of resources, and their availability to us is informed by our experiences, the environment, our emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual capacities, trauma, economic factors, and social and relational considerations, to name a few. Some of the elements of this exercise are pulled from Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and the work of Pat Ogden.
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