by Marie Force
“Motherfucker,” Flynn whispered as he wiped away tears on my face and his own.
“The first time happened in the family room. It hurt so badly, I passed out from the pain. I think he drugged me at some point, because I was in and out of it for what I later discovered was two days. Every time I came to, he was inside me, hurting me.”
“On the plane,” he says haltingly, “when I woke you up that way, did it make you think of the attack?”
“No. You had me so turned on. I didn’t think of it.”
“It would kill me if I did anything to remind you of what happened then.”
“I know.” I squeeze his hand and take a deep breath before continuing my story. “When I tried to fight back, he would hit me. He restrained me, beat me with a belt… I thought it would never end. And when I thought it couldn’t get worse, he shoved it down my throat, and I thought I was going to die because I couldn’t breathe.”
“That’s enough, Nat.” With his arms like bands of steel around me, his tears wet my face and neck. “You don’t have to say another word.”
“I’m okay, and I want to tell you the rest so we can never talk about it again.”
He shudders and draws in a deep breath. I can feel his agony, and in that moment, I am absolutely certain he loves me every bit as much as he says he does.
“On Sunday afternoon, he told me to get up and take a shower. I hurt everywhere. He came into the shower and scrubbed me, violating me all over again as he washed himself off me. After, he grabbed a huge handful of my hair and brought his face down close to mine. He said if I told anyone what he’d done, he would fire my father. He said my dad would go to jail for the stuff he’d done and our family would be homeless. He said no one would believe a fifteen-year-old slut over the governor, and that if I breathed so much as a word to anyone, he’d kill me. I’m not sure what exactly came over me, but I had this vision of him doing the same thing to my sisters. When he told me to get my stuff and get out, I walked straight to the police station, which was half a mile from the governor’s mansion. I was so scared because of the things he said he would do to me and my family if I told, but I knew I had to protect my sisters or he would do this to them, too. I couldn’t let that happen.”
“God, Nat. You’re incredible. That you could be so clearheaded after what had been done to you.”
“I stayed focused on Candace and Olivia when I told the cops what’d happened. I was afraid he’d go after them or other young girls, which is how I was able to report him. At first, I could tell the cops didn’t believe me. I mean, when you think about it, here I was, this fifteen-year-old nobody accusing the governor of Nebraska of raping me—repeatedly. But he’d left bruises that forced them to take me seriously. They took me to the hospital… That was almost worse than what Oren had done. They gave me something in case I’d gotten pregnant, and the exam… It hurt so badly. I cried the whole time. I had to have stitches and… it was horrendous.” I take the napkin he hands me and wipe my face and blow my nose. “Except when I saw Dr. Richmond the other night, I haven’t been to a doctor again since.”
“And here I am asking you to go on birth control. I never would’ve asked you to do that if I’d known.”
I comb my fingers through his hair, needing to touch him, to comfort him. “You’re hearing this story for the first time. Don’t forget it’s old news to me. I don’t think about it every day anymore.”
“It’s going to be a very long time before I don’t think about it every day.”
“Is it going to change everything between us?”
He raises his head off my chest. “What? No, of course not.”
“If you treat me differently now that you’ve heard the dirty details, that will hurt me.”
“Nat… Christ… If anything, I love you more than I already did.”
“There’s more.” I’m determined to get through this and be done with it, so I press on. “The cops called my parents. They came to the hospital, and with my permission, the detective in charge told them what’d happened. My father looked at me like I was insane. His exact words were, ‘Are you out of your goddamned mind?’ He absolutely refused to believe that his precious Oren could’ve done what I was accusing him of. He also looked really scared. I found out later why. He’d been up to his elbows in all sorts of shit for Oren, and he had to testify against him to keep from going to jail himself. Somehow, I can’t imagine how, he managed to hang on to a job in state government.”
“What about your mom?”
“She believed me. I could see it in her eyes, but she was completely under my father’s control. He was in charge, and she did what he told her to. He said if I went forward with this, if I pressed charges, I was dead to them.”
“How could he do such a thing to his own child, especially when you’d been so badly hurt?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never understood the dynamics of his relationship with Oren. The cops told him it was no longer up to me. Oren had scrubbed me clean, but he hadn’t removed every trace of himself from me. They had DNA evidence and were moving forward with charges. ‘As we speak,’ the lead detective said, ‘Stone is being arrested.’ Hearing that, my dad dragged my mother out of the ER, and I’ve never seen or talked to them or my sisters again.”
“Good God, Natalie.”
“The sad part is, I wasn’t even surprised that he chose Oren over me. At least he was consistent.”
“What did you do? Where did you go?”
“I got really lucky. One of the detectives took me into his family while we awaited trial. They were incredibly good to me. In many ways, they saved my life by getting me into therapy and helping me finish high school with tutors. The worst part was losing my sisters. I’ve always wondered what they were told and what they know. I wonder if they miss me or think about me, or if my dad poisoned them against me. Candace is in college now, I suppose, but I’ve never been able to work up the courage to reach out to her. If she hates me, I’d rather not know that.”
The sadness is still so pervasive after all this time. “It was a really tough couple of years, but I got through it with the help of the family that took me in and the financial support that flooded in from anonymous donors who hated Stone and wanted to help me bring him down. That money paid for my new identity and my first two years of college. The other half… Well, I’m not sure what I’ll do about that now that my contract has been voided.”
“I’ll take care of that. Don’t worry about it.”
“I will worry about it, and I’ll take care of it, not you.”
“Are you kidding me right now? Why are you in this mess to begin with?”
“I’m in this ‘mess,’ as you call it, because Oren Stone raped me when I was fifteen. I’ve been dealing with it on my own ever since, and I’ll continue to deal with it.”
“You’re not alone anymore, baby,” he says softly, so softly I almost don’t hear him. “Everything is different now, and the last thing in the world I want you worried about is student loans that I could pay off for you tomorrow without even feeling it.”
I’m shaking my head before he finishes speaking. “I don’t want you to do that. I’ll figure it out the way I always have. I’ll get another job.”
He starts to say something, but then shakes his head, pulling away from me.
“What?”
“I’m going to take a shower.”
“Okay.”
He gets up and walks into the house without looking back. Watching him go, I’m fearful that despite his assurances to the contrary, hearing my story is going to change everything for us.
Chapter 6
I want to punch something. I want to kick the shit out of Natalie’s father and shake sense into her pathetic excuse for a mother. I want to dig up Oren Stone and kill him all over again for what he did to her.
The shower in Hayden’s downstairs bathroom is big enough for six people. Standing under the pulsating water, I try to contain my rage, but ther
e’s no containing the despair I feel after having heard what happened to my precious Natalie. I slam my fist against the tile wall. When that doesn’t make me feel better, I do it again.
And then she’s there, pulling me back and wrapping her arms around me. I realize I’m sobbing. I can’t remember the last time I cried before I met Natalie, but my heart is literally breaking for the girl Natalie once was and for the woman she is today, thanks to her own grit and determination.
“It’s okay, Flynn.” She runs her hand over my back in a soothing caress.
Why is she comforting me? I should be comforting her, but I’m reeling. I can’t seem to get control of myself or my emotions, which is all new for me. I am always in control. Always.
“I’m okay. It was years ago, and I’ve put it behind me where it belongs.”
I want to follow her lead, to put it behind me and move forward with her, but I don’t know if I can. How will I not think of what happened to her, what was done to her, every time I touch her? What if I can’t control myself? What if the overpowering desire I feel for her makes me forget, even for a moment, what she’s endured in the past? I won’t be able to live with myself if I harm her in any way.
Every sexual encounter we’ve already had runs through my mind with new context. Have I already pushed her too hard or too far? Have I frightened her with my desire? My entire body is trembling from the fear and the rage that pound through me like a jackhammer.
“God, you’re bleeding.” She raises my injured right hand to the water.
The sting of the hot water on my split knuckles snaps me out of the stupor. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine. You’re hurt.”
I pull my hand free of her hold and shut off the water. “I need… I’m going to go for a run.”
“Don’t run away from me, Flynn. Please don’t.”
“I don’t trust myself to be what you need right now.”
“You are what I need. I had no idea how badly I needed you until you forced your way into my life and made me fall in love with you.”
“Nat…” She slays me with her sweetness and her light. How can there be all that light when she’s endured so much darkness? I admire her as much as I love her.
Her arms come around me, and she guides my head to her shoulder. “You’re exactly what I need. Please don’t run away. Stay with me. Be with me. Hold me.”
I’m shaking like a tree in a hurricane. “I’m afraid to touch you.”
She takes hold of my arms and wraps them around her waist.
We stand there in the lingering steam from the shower for long minutes. I have no idea how much time goes by, but I feel myself begin to relax ever so slightly. The trembling subsides, and in its place a deep, lingering ache settles in my bones.
Natalie leads me out of the shower and wraps a towel around me. I go through the motions of drying off. She ducks into the closet and emerges wearing an oversize “I♥︎NY” T-shirt that’s another reminder of what she’s lost thanks to me.
She takes me by the hand and leads me to the sink, where she rinses the blood off my knuckles. I’m so numb I can barely feel the throb of pain coming from my injured hand. She shuts off the faucet and takes me into the bedroom. “Sit.” She points to the bed. “I’ll be right back.”
What the hell is wrong with me? I should be taking care of her, not the other way around. But I can’t move. I can’t think about anything other than the storm that rages inside me as I come to terms with what she told me.
Natalie returns with a first-aid kit and an ice pack. After she dabs antibiotic ointment on the wound, she wraps it in gauze that she seals with medical tape. She settles me against a pile of pillows and places the ice pack over my swollen knuckles.
“I’m sorry,” I say when she joins me on the bed, curling up to me.
“Don’t be.”
“I’ve made this about me, when it’s all about you.”
“Not anymore. Isn’t that what you said? It’s about us now.”
“Yes,” I whisper fiercely.
“I’ve thought about this, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“About what it would be like to tell the man I’ve fallen in love with what happened to me. I knew I’d have to someday, and I thought about how it would feel.”
“How does it feel?” I have to know.
“It’s freeing, actually, to share it with you, to no longer be alone with it the way I was for so long. For the first time in longer than I can remember, I feel free.” She adjusts the ice pack on my hand.
“You are free, Natalie, to have and be anything you want, but you have to let me help you. I need to help you. Let me pay off your loans so you don’t have to worry about that anymore. Let me take care of you until you figure out what’s next. You can’t ask me to be someone I’m not. I have more money than I can spend in a lifetime. Let me use what I have to make your life easier. This is who I am. This is how I love you—I need to take care of you.”
“You’re so sweet to want to do that for me.”
“I’m not being sweet,” I say in a low growl that makes her laugh.
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.”
“We can agree to disagree on the sweetness. As for the loans… Let me think about it.”
“Okay.”
“Did we just have our first fight?”
“Fuck no. That wasn’t a fight. That was me behaving badly. When we fight, you won’t have to ask.”
She smiles and hovers above me, her lips a heartbeat away from mine. “I love you even when you think you’re behaving badly.”
“I did behave badly.”
“No, you showed me again how much you love me by making my pain yours, too.”
“I love you more than I’ll ever be able to show you.”
“I love you just as much.”
I bury my fingers in the damp mass of curls that frames her gorgeous face. “That makes me one lucky son of a bitch.”
“We’re both lucky. No matter what happens, no matter what’s already happened, we have each other. And that’s more than I’ve ever had before.”
“Me, too, baby.” I draw her into a soft, sweet kiss that’s all about love and affection. But then she runs her tongue over my bottom lip, and the fire ignites inside me. As if I’ve touched something too hot, I withdraw from her.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m all wound up, sweetheart. It might be better if we just take a nap or something. If I touch you…”
“What? What would happen if you touch me?”
“I don’t know, and I’m afraid of that. You’re so incredibly precious to me. You have no idea how precious you are. I don’t trust myself to be gentle with you, and that’s what you need and deserve.”
“I need and deserve you.”
“Not like this.” The ice pack slides off my hand and hits the floor.
“Flynn.” She’s on her knees next to me.
I’m afraid to look at her because I always want her more than I want my next breath, but now… Now I want her desperately. I want to right every wrong that’s ever been done to her. I want to make every dream she’s ever had come true. More than anything, I want to make her mine in every possible way.
Her fingers find the hem of her T-shirt, and then she lifts it up and over her head, leaving her bare except for a tiny pair of silk panties.
My mouth goes dry, and every thought that doesn’t involve her exquisite beauty leaves my mind like water running down a drain. She’s a fucking goddess, and for some reason that I may never fully understand, she loves me. She’s given me the incredible gift of her trust, which fills me with guilt over the things I continue to keep from her. I don’t deserve her. That’s never been in doubt, but I want her anyway.
“Tell me what to do. What do you want?”
She looks at me like I hung the moon, waiting for me to tell her what I want. If I told her what I really want—her complete and to
tal submission—I’d lose her and rightfully so. So I tamp down those needs and reach for her, arranging her on top of me with only the thin silk of her panties between us. She gasps as she comes down on my hard cock.
I grasp her hips, trying to summon the gentleness she needs from the first man she’s allowed to touch her this way. She’s given me the most precious gift of her love and trust, and I want to be worthy of her. “The other times… have I done anything that scared you?”
“No. I could never be scared of you.”
I grit my teeth against the urge to tell her I could terrify her if I wanted to. But I don’t. I don’t want to, and I don’t say it. Those needs and urges have no place in this bed or this relationship. “What I said earlier, about wanting you here…” I squeeze her bottom cheeks in both hands. “Did he do that to you?”
She shakes her head. “He talked about it, threatened me with it, but thankfully it didn’t happen.”
My eyes close as I exhale deeply. “I’m so sorry I said that, Nat. I wasn’t thinking. I got carried away—”
She kisses the words off my lips. “I want everything with you, Flynn. I want you to show me and teach me. Make me yours in every possible way.”
If she knew all the ways I want her, she’d never make such an offer. “You are mine. No matter what happens between us, that will never change. I knew, the first time you looked up at me with those amazing eyes that saw inside me from the very first glance… I knew you were mine.”
“About that…”
“What?”
“My eyes aren’t brown.”
I have no idea what to say to that.
“I wear contacts that change my eye color from green. And my hair is naturally much lighter. I didn’t want anyone to recognize me as April.”
“Do you want to go back to being April now?”
“No. She’s my past. Natalie is my present and future.”
“You don’t have to hide in plain sight anymore. You can be whatever you wish to be, whomever you wish to be.”
“I’m very happy being Natalie with you.”