Never lose the advantage.
“What did you do now, Lance?” I joke, but I’m not sure any of them hear me. I move away from Machlan and head towards Walker when I stop mid-step.
“Hey, honey,” she says, a swagger in her shoulders as she looks at Walker. “I’m home.”
Machlan’s hand steadies me, resting on my forearm as I grab the back of the chair in front of me. Walker doesn’t look at me. Neither does Lance. Nothing happens except Machlan angling himself between her and me, the same way he did the night Tommy grabbed my elbow.
“What are you doing in here?” Machlan roughs.
“It’s nice to see you too,” she grins. “What’s happening, Lance?”
He looks at me, and despite her greeting towards Walker, despite the sickness curling my stomach as she walked this way, it’s in this moment buried in Lance’s eyes that I know this is much worse than I even imagined.
“Is this her?” she asks, tilting her head towards me. She looks at Walker with a familiarity that pierces my heart. He returns her stare with a level of intimacy that goes ahead and hammers my heart into pieces.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
Walker steels, bracing as if he’s about to be hit with a tidal wave at the last second. Jaw set, forearms flexed, shoulders broad and wide, I check off all the subtle ticks I know he has when he feels unsure. With each thing, my lip begins to quiver a little more.
“Sienna …” His voice wobbles, so unlike him. There’s fear in his eyes as he pleads with me to wait a minute. To not press. To give him the second he’s always asked me for.
“Sienna,” the woman sighs. Sticking out a hand, she gives me the foulest, most saccharine-sweet smile I’ve ever been given. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Tabby Gibson. Walker’s wife.”
“What?” I whirl around, shaking my head like I can shake off her words. Her insinuations. Her … truths? “Walker?”
It’s in the bow of his chin, the drop of the corner of his mouth, the falling of his shoulders that gives me all I need. I open my mouth but nothing comes out.
My heart hits so hard, as if the staccato will somehow clear the confusion riddling my brain and allow me to understand what’s happening. My hand shakes as I look up at Machlan. “What’s going on?”
The longer I wait for the answer, the more I bleed right in front of them all. Their eyes are on me, watching me absorb a truth they all knew.
A loneliness I’ve never known, a loneliness I can’t imagine ever matching, takes over and tears begin to streak down my face. Tabby stands next to Walker, her arm resting on his shoulder so a diamond can be seen sitting on her left hand. He knocks it away, panic settling across his features, but I don’t care.
Humiliated, her laugh behind me, I race towards the doors. Wiping away tears, ignoring Peck’s call, refusing to even try to hear what Machlan is yelling behind me, I shove open the door and walk into the night.
I go north only because Walker’s truck is south. My shoes click against the concrete as I half-jog, desperately needing to put distance between myself and whatever the hell that was. I don’t know where to go. Who to call. What just happened.
A small patch of grass sits in front of Dr. Burns’ office and before I can stop myself, I fall onto my knees in the damp blades and cry.
An arm goes around my shoulders. It’s too thin, too narrow, smells too much like cedar. “Go away, Peck.”
“Goddammit, Sienna,” he sighs, pulling me into his arms.
“Is it true?” I ask, sniffling snot as the tears refuse to quit.
“Yeah, but it’s not what you think.”
“If the answer is ‘yeah,’ it has to be what I think.”
Walker’s energy finds me before he does, my body tugging towards his. I don’t look up. I don’t have to. I feel him kneeling towards me and his hand stroking my back. I pull away and into Peck, earning a growl from Walker.
“Peck, give us a second,” he says.
“No,” I insist. “Don’t, Peck. Please don’t leave me.”
“Sienna, let me talk to you.” Walker’s voice sticks the knife in further. “Please, baby.”
Sitting up straight, I look at him. The tears have stalled, an effect of the adrenaline, and in its place is all I can describe as rage.
My whole body trembles, actually shaking like I’m freezing. But I’m not. The longer I look at him, the hotter I get.
“You’re married?” I ask, my teeth grinding against each other.
“Sienna …”
“It’s a yes or no question. Are. You. Married?”
“Technically, yes.”
“Fuck you.” I get to my feet and head back towards the road.
He grabs my arm and spins me around to face him. “Listen to me.”
“Yes, I will listen to you. I’ll listen to you tell me why you just humiliated me in front of your whole family,” I say, my voice shaking. “Does everyone know this? The whole town?”
“Sienna,” Peck starts, “calm down.”
“Go, Peck,” Walker rumbles.
“I told you this was gonna fucking happen,” Peck roars, ripping into Walker.
“What was I supposed to do?” Walker barks, his hands clenching at his sides. “I didn’t fucking know where she was! How do you divorce a woman who doesn’t want to be found?”
“You go find her,” Peck seethes. “Like we told you. Like all of us fucking told you!”
“Get out of here,” Walker warns.
“Peck,” I say, resting my hand against his chest and gently moving him back. “I need a ride home. Will you take me?”
“Of course.”
“Can you get your truck and pick me up? I want to talk to Walker alone for a minute.”
He watches Walker over my head, pure disappointment scrawled across his face. “You sure?” Peck asks me.
“Yes.”
With a final shake of his head aimed at his cousin, Peck stomps back down the road.
“Don’t be mad at him,” I tell Walker. “He did nothing wrong.”
He runs a hand down his face, his eyes wide and full. “Sienna, listen to me. I haven’t seen Tabby in four years.”
“Tabby,” I say, testing her name out on my tongue. “That’s your wife, right?”
“Don’t make this harder than it is.”
“Me?” I ask in disbelief. “You’re the one who led me on while you have a wife. A wife!” My laughter spills into the night, the sound haunting even to me. “Why would you do this to me? Why would you do this to anyone?”
The tears come again. I breathe in his cologne, look at his handsome face, and realize … he belongs to someone else.
“How could you humiliate me like this?” I croak. “What must everyone think? Oh, God …” I say, feeling like I might throw up.
“It’s not like that,” he says, extending a hand towards me. I step out of his reach. “Let me explain.”
Spying headlights coming down the road, I shrug in the saddest, most defeated way. “You turned me into the kind of woman I hate. The ignorant, selfish …” My words break off, a sob capturing the rest of the thought. I shake off his hug and step towards the sidewalk as Peck nears.
“Sienna, please, don’t walk away.”
“You have no right to ask that of me,” I sniffle. “You have no right to say anything to me.”
“I don’t love her. I don’t want her,” he insists. “Please, Sienna. I want to talk about this. Don’t walk away.”
I’m around the truck before Peck gets it stopped. Climbing inside, I refuse to look at Walker. “Go,” I tell Peck.
He rips down the street. Before we turn the corner, I let myself look one last time in the mirror to see Walker standing in the middle of the street looking as broken as I am.
Twenty-Nine
Sienna
“Do you need anything, sweetie?”
Delaney’s mom stands in the doorway of her guest room, a light blue robe tied at her waist. She was so kind when I pu
lled up, mascara smearing down my face. But seeing her standing here, that maternal aura around her—I just want my mom.
“It’s late,” I tell her. “Go to bed. I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll be down the hall if you need me.” She steps into the hallway and pulls the door softly behind her.
The late night moon shines in the window of the bedroom I’ve never stayed in before. As soon as Peck dropped me off at home, I hopped into my car and drove here, not knowing Delaney went to Chicago for the weekend. I knew Walker would come by and I didn’t want to see him. As I lie here, alone, so very, very alone, I replay every moment I’ve had with him over in my mind.
It’s unbelievable to think he was married the whole time I was with him. The web of emotions is too tightly strung together to even make sense of them. The anger gives way to embarrassment which opens up to a sadness that I’ve never felt before.
The tears fall as I think back to twenty-four hours ago and the way Walker held me while he slept. Was all that fake? Did he not believe any of the things he said or mean any of the ways he made me feel?
Why would he do this to me?
A little alarm clock sits by the bed, the red numbering glowing in my face. I lift my phone and press the power button, only to see more texts and phone calls than I can count.
Scrolling through my contacts list, I find the only person who I know will be up at one in the morning and not livid I call. It rings twice.
“Sienna?” Graham’s voice is full of concern and that only makes the tears fall again. “Sienna? What’s wrong?”
“Oh, Graham …” I laugh through the tears, a little sister calling her big brother for help in the middle of the night. How pathetic can one person be in one day?
“What the hell is happening up there?”
“I just wanted to hear your voice.”
He laughs. “We both know that’s highly unlikely.”
“Definitely unlikely.” Lincoln’s voice comes on the phone as I hear the speakerphone pick up. “What’s up, Sienna?”
“Why are the two of you together at one in the morning? Don’t tell me Mallory and Danielle kicked you out.”
“We had a meeting in Atlanta and were supposed to stay the night but decided to come home,” Graham explains. “Lincoln was just dropping me off.”
“You let him drive?”
“Not my best choice, but yes,” Graham sighs.
“I got us home in about half the time it would’ve taken you,” Lincoln points out. “Stop complaining.”
“Anyway,” Graham cuts in, “what’s up with you? Are you crying?”
“A boy …” My voice breaks and I can almost hear my brothers flinch.
“We can be there in a few hours,” Lincoln says flatly. “Want me to bring Dominic?”
“No,” I laugh through the tears. “You don’t need to bring Cam’s fighter boyfriend.”
“So I can take him on my own?”
“Lincoln, stop,” I sigh. “I need logical help here, G.”
“I have you,” Graham says calmly. “Shoot.”
Taking a deep breath, I go for it. “I’ve been seeing a guy for a while. We’ve had fun—”
“We don’t need this part,” Lincoln interjects.
“We’ve seen each other pretty regularly,” I continue. “Every day, really. He’s been totally into me, taking me to hang out with his family, I’ve met his grandmother, and all that. And then I find out tonight that he’s married.”
“What the hell?” Graham barks. “He’s married?”
“Yup.”
“I’m gonna beat his face in,” Lincoln seethes.
“Shut up, Lincoln,” Graham says, his wheels turning. “Did you know this? No, of course you didn’t,” he grumbles. “Why didn’t he tell you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did his family know?”
“I guess. I don’t really know. Some of them did.” I look at the popcorn ceiling and can’t even find it in me to want to scrape it off like I usually do. “Why would he do this to me?”
“That’s a question you’ll have to ask him,” Graham says. “If you want to, that is.”
Lincoln goes on a rant about how they should come to Illinois and teach him a lesson, Graham firing back that they have to think things through. That they have families now and can’t go all crazy like they used to.
I listen to them banter, my mind going to Machlan and Lance. I find myself smiling and then realize they knew too. And not one of them told me.
“Sienna?” Graham asks.
“Yeah?”
“If you weren’t pissed, I’d be pissed at you,” he says. “But I think you need to give the guy a chance to explain.”
“He was married!” Lincoln roars. “Fuck him.”
“I’m with Linc.”
“Both of you clowns better listen to me,” Graham says. “Sienna has never once asked me for advice over a man. She’s never called me crying, except for the time she ran over the kitten on Santa Monica Boulevard.”
“Oh, don’t bring that up,” I say, trying not to cry again.
“The point is,” Graham continues, “I can tell you care about this guy a lot. So even though he’s guaranteed a few head cracks the first time we see him, if we ever do, and more than that if we tell Ford, you need to hear him out. For him, and more importantly, for you.”
“You think so?” I ask.
“I know so. Do you remember what a mess Mallory was when I first met her?” Graham chuckles through the line. “She smelled like bacon every morning. Her desk was a disaster. She went on a date once just to make me jealous.”
“I knew I loved her,” I tease.
“But if I had written her off without giving her a chance, look what I’d have missed out on. Maybe you let the guy go. Maybe you give him another chance. Maybe you come home and get your ass to work for me,” he cracks, getting that little slip in. “But get the facts together before you go making decisions. Be smart, Sienna.”
“I’ll try. Thanks for answering.”
“Always. Goodnight.”
“Night, G. Night, Linc.”
“Love ya, sis.”
I hang up, set my phone on the bedside table, and roll myself up in the covers and try to go to sleep.
***
Walker
I don’t even bother to turn on the light.
Sitting in the living room, the darkness surrounding me, I close my eyes and feel my world still crumbling. Sienna wasn’t anywhere. I drove by her house, Crank, even Nana’s, and nothing. Her phone is off, but I left so many texts and voice messages I wonder if it’ll even turn on or just melt down when she tries.
I’ve exhausted myself. Every muscle in my body aches, every joint flaring from the adrenaline that shoved through my body for so long tonight. But now it’s gone. Just like Sienna.
Tugging at my hair, I lift my head towards the ceiling and try to think of something other than the way she looked at me on the grass. Like her heart was broken. Like I’m some kind of monster. Like I did this to her on purpose.
This is heartbreak. As I sit in the unlit room, the organ in my chest responsible for pumping blood to my extremities is actually splintered. I can feel each piece puncturing me from the inside out. I’ve never felt this fucked up over anything outside of the death of my parents. And, just like that situation, I’m not sure I’ll ever recover.
“Fuck,” I hiss, tugging once more just to feel the pain before dropping my hands into my lap.
My face feels swollen, my hands achy from being clenched all night. I just want to close my eyes and sleep.
In the quiet, as the rest of the town is tucked happily in their beds, everything kind of settles. Like dust after the wind stops, everything finds its resting spot as I sit alone. Heaps of emotions, piles of mistakes, loads of truths that should’ve been shared aren’t enough to fill the void that Sienna has created.
> I should’ve told her. I knew it then and I know it now, but how could I? How could I tell her I wanted her more than I’ve ever wanted anything in the universe, but another woman legally has my last name?
Does that make me selfish? Probably. But I did try to stay away from her and keep my distance. I tried so damn hard to not get involved so I didn’t hurt either of us, but I couldn’t.
And I couldn’t tell her the truth because that would ruin everything.
She wouldn’t want to be with a married man, even though I haven’t seen Tabby in years. Even though I didn’t care enough about her when she left to chase her down to sign the papers.
Headlights turn up the driveway. Leaping to my feet, I race to the window to see a little compact car pulled up next to my truck and Tabby walking up the steps. She knocks once, then twice. Not sure of myself, not positive I can rein in my emotions, I wait to see what happens before opening the door.
“Walker, it’s me. Open up.”
Her voice is so odd. It takes me to days at the lake, planning a family, our wedding on that same lakeshore. What’s even more odd is that I feel absolutely dead about it all.
I pull the door open and see her for the second time in years. She looks a little older, still incredibly pretty, her green eyes taking me back to so many years ago.
“Hey,” she says, feeling me out.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Can I come in?”
“No.”
“Walker …”
I step onto the porch, shutting the house behind me. “What are you doing here, Tab?”
“I … I don’t know, really.”
My gaze settles across the front yard illuminated by the moon, to the spot Sienna and I had discussed putting a hammock. My chest feels like it’s caving in and I jump, blasted out of my thoughts, when Tabby speaks.
“It’s been a long time.” She leans on the railing. “Your place is nice. I had to ask around to see where you lived. Imagine my surprise when I pulled up to our house and realized we didn’t live there anymore.”
I’ve waited for this conversation since the morning she walked out. This is the moment in time I’ve envisioned, when I tell her what an idiot she is, that I hand her the divorce papers Blaire had drawn up way back then and demand she sign them.
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