“Grandkids?” Her heart raced as she looked in Sam’s earnest blue eyes. “I have grandkids.”
“I didn’t remember if I told you before. My sons… they were worried about letting their kids get attached if you were going to…”
“To run,” she said, realization dawning on her. “They were worried I was going to run. Do you think I will? When I remember, I mean?”
“I think it’s your choice,” he said. “But I hope you won’t.” He sat on her bed, propping himself against the headboard with his hands behind his head. “But I guess we’ll have to deal with it as it comes.”
“Do you think I’ll remember? At the party, I mean?”
He nodded. “At least some things. But I’ll be with you.” He sat forward, looking at her with serious eyes. Damn, he was too handsome for words. That square jaw, those carved lips, that dimple in his chin. And those amazing blue eyes that seemed to go on forever under his blond lashes. She wanted to reach out and stroke his cheek, but she resisted, trying to keep herself distant so she could be ready for tonight.
Being with Sam, touching Sam, still unlocked a vulnerable part of herself that she needed to lock away in order to go meet these other members of her family, who might hate her.
“I’m surprised they invited me,” she said. “I imagine they’re mad at me.”
Sam pressed his lips together like he didn’t know what to say to that, and stretched, pulling his shirt mouthwateringly-tight across his built pecs. He’d always had an amazing body. It was part of being a… a…
Her mind went blank. What was it part of being? She rubbed her head as pain surged through it, making her weak on her feet.
“You okay?” he asked, rushing toward her and catching her in his arms. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”
“I want to,” she said. “I want my life back.”
He held her until she was steady and then let her go so she could take her dress to the bathroom to change. “You don’t have to get all ready. You can just wear what you’re wearing.”
“I’m not wearing pajamas to meet my sons!”
“They’re nice pajamas, though,” he retorted, and she could hear the smile in his voice. She loved how positive he was, how hopeful. He gave her strength, helped her keep moving on against scary waves.
When she was changed, she came out and did a slow twirl for him and he whistled.
“I need to buy you more dresses. I love what they do for your curves.”
She laughed and sashayed by him, letting him swat her rump as she did. Then he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her back against him.
He smelled amazing. Crisp and fresh and masculine, like high-end cologne mixed with something uniquely him. “Promise you won’t run from me,” he said, murmuring against her ear in a way that sent shocks down her body. “Promise you’ll give me a chance to explain. Promise you’ll stay and work things out with me.”
“I’ll try,” she said. “I’ll do my best.”
“I don’t want you to run again.”
She nodded, leaning against him and borrowing his strength. “I don’t want to leave you either. But I… I don’t know what’s coming. You seem to, and you seem worried. I’m afraid of what happens if you’re right. I want to say I could be different, but what if I’m the same?”
He kissed her shoulder, moving the dress gently aside to bring her skin to life with his soft, insistent lips. He bit gently and then put the dress back in place. “Then we’ll deal with that as it happens.” He turned her to face him and cupped her face in his hands. “I won’t give you up without a fight.”
She nodded. “Good.”
“So are we ready to go, then?” he asked, extending his arm for her to take. He was wearing a tailored suit that emphasized his strong arms and shoulders, wide, strong back, and trim waist. His butt looked amazing as well. She gave him a nice long look over before she took his arm, reminding herself who she was doing this for.
Herself, so she could have this beautiful man. And him, so he could know for sure she’d never leave him.
Her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest. “What if I faint?” she asked quietly, as they walked to the elevator, him keeping her standing with his strength.
“Then I’ll be there to catch you,” he said. “You’re not alone anymore, Jo.”
Those words touched her in a deep, aching place in her heart, and she rested her head against his arm as they rode down to the lobby. Not alone anymore. And she’d try and deal with her past so she could stay that way.
She didn’t want to go back to her other life.
* * *
They walked together over the sand to the cottage where Sky, Leah, and their twins lived. It was separate from the hotel but still a part of it. Sky was the head dive instructor and in charge of a lot of the recreation stuff at the hotel so it was good to stay close. It was a large cottage, with three bedrooms, a spacious living room with lots of windows to let light in, and an ocean view.
Sam thought if they had to go through this, he couldn’t think of a better, more relaxed place. And Sky and his mate Leah were some of the most easy-going people they knew. Sky was far less intense than Sebastien or Scott.
When they reached the front door, Jo clutched his arm, and he could feel her shaking. He put a hand over hers.
“It’s going to be fine,” he said.
“I know,” she said. “But I can’t believe I’m going to see them. What do I say?”
“Just let them do the talking,” he said, ringing the doorbell. “They know about your amnesia.”
The door opened nearly instantly, and Sky was standing in front of them, beaming a big smile at Sam and then turning his eyes to Jo, who flushed instantly. Sam put a hand around her waist.
“Sky, this is Jo. Jo, Sky.”
Jo put out a hand, her eyes wide and gleaming as she took in the sight of her son. There was something sad and almost sacred about the whole occasion, and Sam felt sort of like he was floating above it all. It felt unreal.
Sky took Jo’s hand and pulled her into a tight hug. “We’ve missed you.”
She nodded, seeming dazed, as he led the way into the house. His mate, Leah, was holding their twins, both with dark eyes and dark curly hair. They were chubby and mischievous and looked up at Jo with those interested looks only babies can give. Mikey, the boy, tried to push off her lap, but Leah kept her arm around him, smiling up at Jo and extending her other hand with some effort.
“Nice to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you,” she said.
A silence fell over the room, and Leah seemed to have realized what she said. “No, I mean, everyone’s excited to meet you, that’s all.”
Sam let out a breath as Jo relaxed and shook Leah’s hand, her eyes going to the babies in her lap.
“Sam?” she asked, looking down at them.
“Maddie and Mikey,” he said, pointing to each and then leaning down to give them a kiss on the forehead, which they struggled away from. “Twins from my youngest.”
Her breaths seemed shallow and he could tell she was shocked, trying to take it all in.
Then Sebastien came forward with Scott behind him. Sebastien folded his arms and looked down at them, but when Sam stepped aside to reveal Jo, he saw astonishment replace the regular, surly look on his son’s face.
Sebastien took a half step back, bumping Scott. “Mom?” he asked, his tan face going white. A tall woman with braids caught his arm and stood beside him. His mate, Kim. Kim’s gray eyes sparkled as she reached out to shake Jo’s hand.
“Nice to meet you,” she said. “Sorry, Sebastien’s not the most flexible person around. He’ll be adjusting for a bit. But we really are glad to have you back.”
Jo nodded mutely as Kim nudged Sebastien, trying to shake him from his shock. But instead, he merely snapped his mouth shut, turned and walked out of the room, shutting a door behind him with a slam.
Sam felt Jo wince beside him, and his heart
ached for her. For Sebastien too. For everyone who had been hurt by this imperfect situation.
But that’s what family was sometimes. A bunch of imperfect people just trying to do their best not to hurt each other, and failing despite their best efforts.
What mattered was they kept going and didn’t give up.
Jo looked around the room and saw Scott, standing a bit back from them.
Sam tried to read his son’s expression. Scott had been the oldest when Jo left, though still a boy, and it made sense he was having the strongest reaction, even if he was good at hiding his emotions.
His brow was furrowed, his large hands clasped into fists at his sides. He took a step forward and then hesitated. Sam thought he would say something, but he just stood there. His mate, Mara, a curvy artist in flowing, colorful clothing came forward to take his arm, trying to pull him forward, but he was frozen.
Sam looked from him to Jo, not knowing what to do. Scott’s son crawled over to grab his leg and pull himself up on his pants, and Sebastien’s daughter started to cry as she looked up at her mom, who seemed torn between going to her husband and staying here to try and maintain peace.
A cake lay abandoned on the counter. The house was festively decorated, but now everything felt heavy and oppressed. Even the babies seemed to pick up on it.
Perhaps they’d pushed this too soon. Perhaps no one was ready. Sam felt nerves prickling through him, pushing his bear to the surface. He wanted to protect his family, he wanted to protect Jo. He wanted to protect everyone, and it didn’t seem like he could ever do it.
He pushed down the frustration, still hoping for a happy outcome.
Jo had gone rigid next to him. He didn’t know what to say about his sons. They had a right to their feelings. Surely Jo understood that, even if it hurt her.
“Where is the bathroom?” she croaked out.
“Right over here,” Sky said, motioning to the door Sebastien had disappeared into. “Oh, wait, here, you can use the one in the master bedroom. Just lock the door behind you.”
Jo nodded and Sam could see tears sparkling in her eyes. He couldn’t even imagine what she was going through right now. He’d grieved for her while she was gone. Had twenty years to do it. She was having to take it all in at once.
He made as if to follow her, but she put up a hand. “I’ll be right back. I need a moment.”
His bear growled, wanting to follow her. Not wanting her out of his sight, but he finally nodded and sat in a chair. Sky sat next to him, putting his arm around his back.
He was so lucky to have his sons. To have such an amazing mate. He just hoped there was a way all of them could get along. That there was some happy answer to make everything right.
Jo’s sobs from the bedroom tore at his heart. He started to stand, but Sky pulled him back.
“Give her a minute,” he said.
Sam sat, feeling hollow and sad.
8
Jo sobbed into her arms, not caring she was drenching the sheets and pillows around her.
Her son’s faces. So beautiful, the perfect combination of her and Sam. In Scott’s case, the oldest, just like Sam. So similar it was painful.
She’d been in disbelief when Sky had pulled her close, yet it was the best feeling in the world. Her son, forgiving her for something she didn’t even remember and couldn’t apologize for.
She badly wanted to know what she’d done that made Sebastien and Scott look at her like that. Something about them was so familiar. Their names came to her easily, along with little flashes of their childhood.
They were such amazing, handsome grown men. And they’d done it without her. They must hate her. They looked horrified that she’d come.
Maybe it would have been better if she’d never seen that commercial after all.
She loved Sam, had loved the last week with him, but it wasn’t worth tearing up his family, reminding his sons of bad memories. She sobbed into a pillow, wondering how everything had gotten so messed up. She couldn’t let Sam see her right now. He’d try to cheer her up, and right now she just needed to be sad. Just needed to grieve.
And needed to remember what had happened. She wracked her brain. What had shot her? What had she been doing? She squeezed her head in her hands, trying to think.
“Please,” she begged herself. “Please give me something that explains all of this. Something that doesn’t make me a monster.”
While she was crying, she heard a door open and close to the bathroom. She looked up to see a little girl toddling in. She had dark curly hair and gray eyes and was crawling rapidly toward her. When she got to the bed, she pulled herself up onto her feet and reached toward Jo.
Jo swallowed back tears and reached for the little girl. How could she do anything else? It was her granddaughter. The little girl sucked her thumb and looked up at Jo pensively. The bathroom must connect somehow to the main room, and in the hubbub out there, the adults must not have been paying attention to this little one.
She seemed happy to sit on Jo’s lap, and Jo felt a mix of emotions running through her. Fear that she’d somehow break the little thing. Joy that at least someone seemed to trust her. Fear that the others would burst in soon. Joy that someone was with her right now, in the depths of her sadness.
She couldn’t help it. She started to cry again. The little girl whimpered and crawled off of her lap into the middle of the bed. Then she sat on her butt and tilted her head, looking at Jo with a sad face that seemed to be mirroring her own.
Then the tiny thing shifted. There was no other word for it. One moment she was a human baby, the next she was a tiny white polar bear, rolling in pleasure in the middle of the bed.
Jo felt something inside her crack as she watched her grandchild. Instead of running from the room like a crazy person, as she wanted to do, she felt herself fall forward on the bed, looking passed out, but not passed out.
Her whole body was completely frozen as her mind struggled to cope, but a whole forgotten part of her was surging to the surface. She was remembering.
She was vaguely aware of the little girl crawling off the bed and back out the way she came. She curled in on herself, glad the girl would presumably be safe and go back to her parents.
Because Jo wasn’t in a place where she could watch anyone right now.
She saw herself as a tall, white polar bear. Full of fear and anger, racing out over snow-covered hills as fast as she could go. She’d had a fight with Sam again, and the bear in her had begged her to run. To leave the responsibilities behind. The need to be back in bear form, out in nature and wild, had been as strong as the need to breathe, and anyone worthy of being a mate should understand that.
She’d been alone nearly her whole life, losing her parents when she was little. She’d been raised more bear than human, and adjusting to Sam’s way of life had been difficult. He was a polar bear, but he’d been raised in California. He’d met her on a trip to visit the Arctic. She’d been young, but when she’d seen him in bear form, it had been love at first sight.
She could remember how he looked. So strong, so wild. But he wasn’t wild like she was. He’d spent years as a human. So many more years than she had. She’d done the minimum amount of school while in foster care and then aged out of the system and gone into the wild.
Sam was the one who brought her into civilization. Gave her a house. A family.
Making love with him had been so right. Her bear had claimed him as mate right away.
She’d tried to adjust. Her bear thought having children meant having them and then sending them out on their own. She’d been overwhelmed when she realized what it really meant. All of her time as a human.
The bear in her had been too wild, had torn at her under her skin the longer she stayed inside with the boys as Sam worked long hours, leaving her home alone. Her only rest was on the weekend, when she could run free.
She’d always felt terrible leaving her family, but the animal inside her needed to breathe. She s
tayed down against the bed, feeling the animal inside her again for the first time in so long.
Why had it been hidden?
She had a sudden image, running in her bear form through the snow, running fast as a loud noise exploded and her arm tore in pain. And then another loud boom as things went black.
Terrible pain. Part of her dying. Struggling within herself as weird tubes were attached.
Feeling if it hadn’t been for her bear, it never would have happened.
She focused hard on the image of her bear, trying to remember what happened just before that, just before she’d been shot. She rubbed her head, trying to soothe the intense pain.
She remembered Sam, shouting. Her saying she couldn’t do it anymore.
Him saying he’d do anything to make it work.
Her saying she needed space.
She sobbed into her hands. She’d run and run until her bear was exhausted, and then she’d looked around her to see she was totally alone. She’d sat in bear form and looked at the icy sky, wondering what she should do. How should she adjust so she could live with the family that so desperately needed her, when she wasn’t ready to be needed by anyone?
The memory faded out, leaving a blank space she couldn’t remember.
Then it started up in a different spot. She was running fast, having been startled by the sound of approaching men. Poachers. She held her head tightly as she remembered her bear panicking, trying to run before she caught their attention.
It was too late. One had raised his gun. She thought wildly of Sam, cursed herself for running, and then heard the crack boom of the gun, sending her down into the snow.
The second boom.
Blackness.
But in that dreamlike state which must have been the coma, she saw herself removing her bear. Blaming her bear. Deciding if her bear hadn’t existed, then nothing bad would have happened. Her bear was dead anyway. Shot multiple times. And she wouldn’t miss it.
When she’d woken up, she’d been only Jo, and her bear and the memories it had held were gone.
And now it was back. She felt she was jumping out of her skin, a wild adrenaline pumping under the surface. And all the memories her bear held were flooding back.
Remem-bear Me (Polar Heat Book 4) Page 6