It took less than twenty-four hours to destroy her life.
But she couldn’t think about this now.
She knew the wine was making all of it worse. And Raguel was right. They could do nothing more about this, not tonight. They had no new information.
Turning, she faced Raguel, who still watched her from the couch.
“Tomorrow, we could try one more time,” she said, folding her arms. “If they have not yet revoked my clearance, perhaps I can talk to people who trusted me at KGB, convince them to look into Karkoff.” Hesitating, she met his gaze. “What is more likely, of course, is that I will be taken into custody as soon as I am seen near the building. If Karkoff has already turned them against me... which he likely has... then I will simply disappear. They will hunt you next, thinking you are an American spy. All of this without us doing anything whatsoever to stop what is coming. Assuming it has not already happened.”
She paused, letting her words sink in.
“...Or, we can run,” she said. “We can try to leave Russia, using my contacts.”
Raguel watched her, silent.
When he didn’t say anything, she shrugged.
“But that is tomorrow,” she said. “We will decide which it is then. Tonight, you are right. There is nothing more that we can do.”
She met his gaze, feeling her face warm, and not only from the wine.
“You said before that you wanted sex with me. Is that still what you want, Raguel?”
He only sat there after she first asked the question, looking at her.
Then, in a single gliding movement, he stood.
He walked to her. Fear washed over her as he approached––time seemed somehow to slow in the seconds before he reached her. Some part of her was terrified. She couldn’t make sense of that fear at first, or the overwhelming sense of vulnerability that came along with it.
It wasn’t the thought of sex itself. It wasn’t even that things with Uri had ended so badly, or that it had been so long since she’d been with anyone but Uri... or even that it had been so long since she’d been with anyone at all. It wasn’t even because her life was over now, at least the life she’d known for as long as she could remember.
It was him. She was afraid of him.
Raguel stood in front of her now, and she found herself looking up at him, at the inhuman, stone-like planes of his face, and she knew it wasn’t his beauty she reacted to, either.
He kissed her before she could get much further in her thought process.
The kiss was warm at first, sensual but so much lay behind it, Ilana found herself lost there. That fear that nearly overcame her as she watched him approach melted the longer they kissed, until she could barely remember the feeling at all.
When he finally raised his head, he cupped her face in his hands. She felt enveloped by him, even before he stepped closer, wrapping an arm around her waist and kissing her again, deeper that time, with even more behind it. When he paused that time, he was breathing harder, and she found herself pulling him with her, tugging him backwards towards the bed.
He followed her easily, moving with her even as he kissed her again.
He didn’t raise his head until they’d reached the edge of the bed, and that time it was because she had broken off the kiss. Leaning down to turn off one set of lights with the switch by the headboard, she began unbuttoning the front of her long-sleeved blouse once she turned back in his direction. When she had it most of the way undone, he pulled his own shirt over his head.
She found herself staring at his form in the low light from the remaining lamp by the couch.
“You’ve never done this?” she asked.
Her voice came out unsteady, once more showing her nerves.
He smiled, shaking his head.
“Because you seem like you’ve done this...” she said, her voice lower still. “With the kissing, at least. You seem like you’ve done it before...”
“I’ve watched it done.”
“Is that the same?”
Still smiling, he shrugged one shoulder. “No.”
“How much have you watched?” Remembering what the demon accused him of that morning, she sharpened her voice. “...And who, exactly?”
He laughed, wrapping his arms her and pulling her tightly up against him.
He kissed her, his mouth warm, soft, wanting.
His arms tightened around her the longer he kissed her.
In her mind, Ilana briefly saw them as wings. Long, white, shadowy wings, wrapping around her in the dark, enveloping her... making her forget everything she’d been worried about, all the bad things that happened that day.
Before she could dispel the image from her mind, he kissed her again.
He finished taking off her clothes and then his... and then they were both lying on the bed. She lay on her back while he touched her all over, exploring her with his hands. He took his time, going slow, massaging and kneading her muscles and caressing her skin. When he turned her over and began doing the same to the other side of her, she let out an involuntary sound, gripping the embroidered bedspread on the top of the bed.
He finished undressing himself, then turned her over again, and Ilana found herself losing control, curling her fingers into his hair as his hands wrapped around her waist.
Both of them were sweating by then. His skin was hot, still pearly white but glossed by a faint sheen in the dim light of the room. She was looking at his face, marveling at the perfect angles and lines, tracing his mouth and lips and his long neck––when he slid up her body so he was more or less lying on her.
He looked down at her, not quite a question in his eyes, but an urgency she couldn’t help but see. She wrapped her legs around him and he let out a low sound.
He positioned himself over her, and she helped him, using her hand.
That urgency on him grew more pronounced, even as his weight got heavy.
...Then he glided inside her.
She was so ready for him it shocked him. It shocked both of them––her as much as him.
She let out a heavy sound, totally involuntary.
He cried out too, half-crushing her against his chest. He cried out again when she made that heavier sound again, unable to help herself when he arched into her harder.
She’d never made a sound like that before––not in sex, not for any reason.
It felt so good she almost couldn’t stand it. She cried out a third time when he reached the end of her again, and then she was gripping his arms, her legs wrapped tightly around his waist. He held her down as he let out another broken groan of his own.
He began moving for real––slowly, excruciatingly slow at first.
In minutes both of them were gasping. He let out a heavier sound then... right before he began arching into her harder, his hands holding her flush with his body at the deepest point, his chest tilted up so he could get further inside.
She cried out his name when she climaxed.
It caught her off-guard, startling her with its intensity.
The sound he made sounded surprised too.
Then he grew softer, heartbreakingly soft as he began caressing her all over again.
He still didn’t stop. Groaning the whole time when he slowed, he began moving faster again once she began moving harder with him. She came again within a few minutes as he slowly accelerated, bringing her with him as his weight grew heavier.
When he came, letting go as she did that time, his whole face changed.
Longing filled his voice. She found herself clutching at him, gasping as she wrapped more of herself around him. Something in the sheer vulnerability of that cry, in how he melted against her as it went on, brought tears to her eyes. His weight pressed down as he lost control but somehow the more he pressed into her the more she wanted of him.
In those minutes, it grew strangely silent.
She swore she saw the wings again, enveloping both of them.
When they lay there in the after
math, he began caressing her again, using his strong hands to explore her all over, gentle but strangely insistent. When he didn’t stop, she felt that emotion try to overwhelm her again.
“You are so beautiful,” he said, kissing her. “You are so beautiful, Ilana...”
She could not remember ever being so touched with Uri––not even at the beginning, when they first fell in love. The conflicting emotions she felt now, subtle and sweet and almost overwhelming... they woke her up in some way. Maybe they only woke her up to the possibility that there could be more than what she’d had before now. Not just more than fighting and games and jealousy––not just more than how bitter things had gotten with her and Uri by the end.
Just... more.
More kindness. More connection perhaps.
More of each person, willing to show themselves.
He was kissing her neck, stroking her back and side as she thought it. He wrapped his arms more tightly around her when she smiled.
“What?” he murmured, kissing her face. “What is it, Ilana?”
She turned her head, looking at his pale gray eyes in the faint light from the gold-colored lamp.
“I am thinking maybe you ruined me for non-angel men,” she confessed, still smiling faintly.
He smiled back, and it altered the marble-like planes of his face.
“Once one has an angel, they never go back?”
She burst out in a laugh, unable to help it. His smile slid briefly into a happy grin. Then his expression grew more serious again, right before he kissed her mouth. The kiss was tender that time, holding enough to catch her breath.
“I felt my wings again,” he murmured against her face.
She froze, staring at the same stretch of empty ceiling as before, only now she didn’t see it.
“...They were back, Ilana, because of you.” He kissed her again, caressing her cheek with his. “They weren’t the same as before. They were not my archangel’s wings. I am human now and these were my human wings... the wings humans will some day have, but are not yet developed. They were shadow wings...”
Caressing his face, she inexplicably felt tears rise to her eyes. She didn’t understand him, not really, but his words touched her down to her bones.
Nodding, she slid her fingers into his hair.
“I felt them,” she said.
“I needed them,” he said. “I needed them, just so I could wrap them around you...” Stroking her cheeks with the backs of his fingers, he smiled again, but she saw a faint glow of wonder in his crystal-like eyes. “...I had never seen them before, not the human ones. Your wings will be so beautiful, Ilana.” He kissed her again, still stroking her skin. “They will be so very very beautiful, my love... I felt yours too.”
She could only nod, looking up at him.
She had no words, no way to tell him how his words made her feel. She couldn’t even really understand those feelings herself. She only knew one thing, with utter certainty.
What he said felt beautiful to her.
It felt so beautiful and true.
She wanted so desperately to believe him.
WE HAVE TO TRY
ILANA WOKE THE next morning to sunlight streaming through the open drapes in their hotel room. Squinting at the view out the long bay window, she held up a hand, then smiled when she saw Raguel standing there, gazing out over the Moscow River.
He smiled back, then walked over to her, sitting beside her on the bed. Leaning down, he kissed her, stroking her hair out of her face. Kissing her on the cheek before he raised his head, he murmured against her face.
“You should get up. We might need to go soon.”
She nodded, stretching her whole body and smiling at him.
They kissed again, and briefly, she forgot what he’d just said. When he ended the kiss a few minutes later, she remembered and let out a regretful sigh.
“Maybe after breakfast?” she said hopefully.
Even as she said it, his stomach growled, and they both laughed.
He ordered them room service while she was in the shower.
She was dressed and drying her hair with a thick towel when the knock came to their door. She let in the waitstaff and watched as they set the table, this time instructing them to use the higher table by the window. From there, she and Raguel would be able to eat and overlook the Moscow River and the view of the city. She’d decided she would enjoy her morning, and not think about where they would likely be by the end of the day.
She could already see clouds moving closer in the sky.
As for her, now, in the light of the morning sun, she knew she could not run. She knew Raguel would not run anyway, and she could not.
She would not leave him here––but she also knew it was not Raguel who made up her mind. She couldn’t run away when she knew something bad was coming. She’d devoted her life to protecting her people, the best way she knew how, like her father had before her. He’d done it under much worse conditions than she had, and he never abandoned his post.
Sighing at the thought, Ilana munched on a piece of buttered toast, pouring herself a cup of coffee and looking out over the view. She was watching the sun rise higher in the sky when the bathroom door opened and Raguel emerged with wet hair and only a towel around his waist.
Glancing away from the spectacular view out of their window, she smiled wider at the spectacular view of him. There was a silence where they just looked at one another.
Then Raguel broke it.
“We must go,” he said. “Right now, Ilana. Today. We will eat, then we will go.”
She nodded thoughtfully. Leaning back in the upholstered, crescent-shaped chair where she sat at the nook table, she folded her arms.
“I’ve been thinking about that,” she said, glancing ruefully out the window at the view of the river. The sky was growing overcast now, which felt prophetic almost. “We should probably try KGB Headquarters at Lubyanka first. If we are lucky, we can get in and out without seeing Karkoff. Usually there is little cross-talk between groups. Even if he has orders out on me already, he will not publicize this... so there is a good chance no one will know except Karkoff himself and a few others.”
Meeting Raguel’s gaze, she shrugged, trying to dispel his worried expression.
“Either way, no one would expect me to go back there. None of those looking for me are likely to be there, either. We can find out what is going on, perhaps... warn some to look out for Karkoff and what he is up to. Maybe we can get some clue as to what your demon will do next... or who he might be possessing now, if you do not think it is Karkoff.”
But Raguel was shaking his head.
“What?” she said, bewildered. “Do you have a different plan?”
“Yes. I meant we should leave, Ilana. Leave Moscow... leave Russia, like you said last night. It is not safe for you here.”
“You want to run?” She was surprised. Before he’d seemed so determined to stop the demon, regardless of the risk to himself. “Why? Or I should say, why now?”
“You are not safe,” he repeated. “I think Lahash probably is in Karkoff now... or someone else in a leadership position. They will try to say you did this... that all of whatever happens next is you. We have no choice now, Ilana. We must leave.”
Blinking at him, she thought about his words. Then she shook her head.
“No, Raguel.”
“Ilana––”
“No,” she said, more firmly. “You could never live with yourself.” Picking up her cup of coffee, she took a sip, shaking her head. “Neither could I, frankly. Joking aside... I believe you now. And I am not about to let an angel abandon his charge, simply because I am so charming to spend a night with...”
She gave him a small smile as she said the last part, but he didn’t smile back.
“I love you, Ilana,” he said. “I cannot let you risk yourself like this. I cannot.”
She stared at him, feeling her chest clench.
The pain there wasn’t fea
r that time. Rather, she found herself fighting a heat from a different kind of feeling altogether. She couldn’t answer him at first.
Even so, when those seconds passed, she shook her head.
“No. If you love me, you will not give yourself cause to resent me later. You will not give me cause to think less of you. Because it is not only you... I cannot abandon my post now, when I could finally do some real good. Not just the usual thing of protecting the Party and the bureaucrats but protecting the real Russia... my people.” Looking up, she felt her face warm. “I love you, too. I would never ask this of you. It is not right, Raguel... you know it isn’t.”
There was a silence where they only looked at one another.
Then he nodded, exhaling a sigh.
“Yes.” His voice grew harder. “Yes, but if we stop this or not, at the end of this day, if you are still in danger, you will leave here with me, Ilana. Promise me.”
Ilana frowned slightly. “And what if this thing happens tomorrow?”
Raguel shook his head. “Whatever will happen, it is today. Demons do not leave long windows open for such things.” His frown deepened. “Lahash will not wait. It is part of what they do... they speed things up. And Mik’hil and the others will be looking for him by now. And for me. He is running out of time.”
She nodded, thinking.
Glancing out the window a second time, she sighed. Then she turned, smiling at him, and raised her coffee in a kind of salute.
“Breakfast first. Then we go.” She drained the last of her cup, then set it on the saucer. “That means you too, comrade Archangel. You must eat.”
For a long moment, he only looked at her, as if frustrated.
Then, as if unable to help himself, he exhaled a smile.
“You are a stubborn woman, Ilana.”
“Yes,” she said, nodding as she poured herself more coffee. Pouring him a cup as well, she smiled at him again. “Yes, I am.”
Shadow WIngs (Skeleton Key) Page 15