“I would never tell a soul that he was anything other than mine.” He squeezed her hands. “Let me do this for you, Ursula. I could not bear the thought of your babe given over to the care of some wolf-woman while you lay cold in the ground. I cannot explain my dread, but that it happened to my own mother. I would have this child know you. I would have him know kindness.”
A tear rolled down her cheek, and she could only bring herself to nod an acceptance. Henry released her hands to pull her against him for an embrace that was over all too soon. She could have let herself lean against him as she cried her tears and decided whether they were from relief or fear.
She wiped her eyes, feeling too foolish to meet his gaze. “When?”
Henry took a long breath, as if considering his answer. “As soon as we may. I must ask Lord Canis’ leave to come here, first. If I were to marry you now, and he found out that I had done it in secret, he might command you to return to Blackens Gate. I have no doubt any number of accidents could be arranged to remove a human from their ranks.”
She shuddered, already feeling the cold fingers of death brushing her. Awkwardly, Henry put his arms about her. He tucked her head against his shoulder. “I should have spoken more carefully. Don’t trouble yourself with my carelessness.”
His strength was intoxicating. She could not remember a time when she had taken comfort in another person, let him cradle her and reassure her.
In her belly, the babe stirred, indistinguishable parts bumping and jostling, as though the child could feel her sadness and fear. Suddenly bold, she took Henry’s hand and guided it to where her kirtle stretched tight over her stomach. He touched her as though he worried he might harm her, and she pressed his fingers down. When he felt the gentle nudges from within, his eyes widened. “Is that…”
“I think he will come before spring,” she confided shyly. “Though I cannot imagine how much larger I will be by then.”
“You will grow,” Henry laughed quietly. He did not move his hand, seemingly captivated by the movements beneath his palm. “So will he.”
She studied his face as he waited for the next small motion, and when it did not come, he appeared disappointed. He pulled his hand away, and she caught it in her own. “Go to Lord Canis. Ask his leave, and when he grants it, I will marry you. I can only promise to be a good wife, despite…”
“You are not to blame for this.” Henry’s expression suddenly went hard, all the joy disappeared from his eyes. “Never think, for a moment, that his actions lower you in my esteem.”
She appreciated that he did not name the man again. Better to let him die in her memory a nameless, faceless monster.
There was a scrape, and the door from the kitchens opened. Aurelia entered, beaming despite the disagreement she’d just had with her husband, who lagged behind and still looked sour. “Have you agreed? Will there be a wedding?”
“There will.” Henry smiled, looking as proud as any man who’d won himself a wife. That, in itself, made Ursula dare to hope that things between them could be just as he promised they would be.
“When do you return to Blackens Gate?” Raf asked, his tone unusually clipped. It was the full moon that did it, Ursula realized, and felt a strange emptiness at that. Was Henry gripped by the same madness, and that had caused him to agree to such a marriage?
Henry sighed in resignation. “I suppose in the morning? I’ll leave after I’ve rested from our run tonight.”
“Then let us not put it off any longer. The moon is high.” Raf strode toward the door, his iron leg thudding on the stone as he went. “Wife, have Robin start a fire. When we return we will be in need of comfort.”
Ursula and Aurelia watched them go, and when Ursula looked up, her friend had tears in her eyes. Laughing, she wiped them away. “It is silly, I know…but it saddens me to think that there is a part of him I will never know.”
Her heart filling with dread, Ursula looked out the open door after Henry. How many moonlit nights would she spend alone, as Aurelia did, worrying after a husband who disappeared into the body of a wolf?
Her cautious joy turned to lead; Ursula closed the door against the night.
Chapter Nine
A good hard run usually helped Henry think, and escape the cares of the day. But today’s cares were seemingly inescapable. His fur bristled in irritation. Even under the light of the full moon, Henry could not let go and simply be.
Though Raf ran on three legs, he was still a pureblood wolf, larger and more powerful than Henry. When he brushed too close to his friend and snapped his jaws in warning, Raf responded with a full-body shove that sent Henry sprawling in the dirt. Knowing when he was defeated, Henry let his limbs shift, his body slowly returning to that of a man’s. Raf already sat against the base of a tall oak, patiently waiting for Henry to regain his wits after his own change.
“I am sorry,” Henry panted, still braced against the ground on hands and knees. He sat back, long legs splayed against the cool earth. “I’ve spoiled our run.”
“There is still time to run,” Raf reminded him. “Mayhap you would enjoy it more, unburdened of whatever vexes you.”
Henry laughed, but it was a forced one. They had known each other too long to lie, so he did not bother. “She doesn’t want to marry me.”
Raf frowned. “You said she relented.”
Henry rubbed his forehead, blinking against the dirt that fell into his eyes. “Relented, yes. But I never envisioned that I would gain a wife by overcoming her reluctance.”
“You thought that one day you would have a great love, and the notion of marriage would spring from there?” When Raf spoke it aloud, it sounded ridiculous, but Henry had truly believed that his low-birth would prevent him from entering into a loveless marriage. “You told me a long time ago that you would never marry. No wolf-woman would have you, and you would never lie with a human woman.”
“I said that, and I stand by it.” That vow mocked him, now.. “But if I am to be married, I would rather it be to a wife who did not fear me, at least. Love, a great romance, those I can do without.”
“No, you couldn’t,” Raf responded without pause. “I remember the exact moment I realized I loved Aurelia. It scared me more than any battle, more than when you held me down so they could cut off my leg. But I wanted her more than I feared that love. A man who can live without love will squander his life. You may find that someday, an affection will grow between you. Ursula will always fear men, I think. But she may not always fear you.”
“And if she does?” Henry had seen the way Raf spent his days, carefully measuring his voice and movements so as not to frighten Ursula, and he did not want their marriage to have the same, skittish look about it. “I had resigned myself to a chaste life, and I can accept a chaste marriage. But what if she runs from me? She ran from me once, remember, and almost died. What if she flees in the night? What if she takes the child with her?”
Raf sighed wearily. “What if I wake tomorrow and my piss has turned to rubies? You worry too much.”
“Raf, I don’t want to love the child and have him taken from me. I already feel a sort of…attachment.”
A long silence stretched between them then, and Henry wished he hadn’t uttered a word of his secret fear. Not to his friend, who had already endured so much heartbreak. Raf would not have considered proposing marriage between the two if he thought he would put Henry at risk for the agony of losing a child.
“I know well how easy it is to love a child you’ve never seen. Though it is not yours, you protected it, as no one protected you when your mother carried you.”
“Am I so transparent?” Henry chuckled ruefully “I cannot bear to think of a helpless babe thrown to the wolves. Not again. This seems to be just another side of my vow.”
“If you must think it so. Too often you make yourself a martyr against forces you cannot control.” Raf made a noise of disappointment, all the worse when Henry knew the disappointment was leveled at him. “The lady i
s frightened and shy. Aurelia has taken to her quickly, though. When she warms to a person, I am told she is very agreeable. And you are kind, and a patient man. The two of you are a match for each other. That you are willing to also raise her child—”
“I see your point.” Henry held up a hand to stop him. “It will just take some time to get used to it.”
They sat in silence a moment more, and Henry had almost suggested they turn back and run while the moon was still high, when a troubling thought arose and would not be denied. “I had a premonition about her.”
“About Ursula?” The mention of premonitions piqued Raf’s interest, as Henry knew it would. Aurelia had experienced similar signs before she’d met Raf, though hers had been in the form of terrifying dreams. It gave Henry some hope, at least.
“I saw her, holding the child. She seemed happy.” Henry stood, brushing off his legs. “It could mean nothing.”
“Or it could mean that you worry over possibilities that will not come.” The far off call of a wolf’s howl interrupted Raf’s words. “Enough of this. You can worry when it’s time to face my father.”
“Have you given any further thought to Brujon’s letter?”
Raf had avoided all talk of the letter, but for their brief conversation when he’d first read it to Henry. The Free Wolves of Calais had suggested an alliance, not between their Lord Dautreve and Lord Canis, but between Dautreve and Raf. The end goal, the Frenchman had promised, would be “the restoration of the rightful heir of Blackens Gate as the de jure leader of the Free Wolves of England.” All well and good, to remove the father and brother from their power and install a more reasonable, sane alternative. But the wolves would not follow a cripple, and King Edward would not allow the wolves to openly govern themselves through violence in his realm.
A chill wind picked up, as if sensing the gravity of Raf’s words. “What they ask of me is patricide.”
“Perhaps you would not have to be the man holding the sword,” Henry said mildly. “It gives you something to think about.”
“I suppose it does.” The noncommittal response was all Raf could give in the open air, on his father’s lands. Henry did not blame him for it. If anyone were to overhear, Lord Canis would not take the threat of betrayal and murder lightly. Struggling onto his hands and knee, Raf said, “I fear that if we speak on it, I will find a reason to do what Brujon asks of me. I cannot afford such thoughts, they are already too tempting.”
In the blink of an eye, Raf’s wolf emerged, and he ran off, darting through the trees like a living shadow. Henry watched him for a time, before following suit. There was still moonlight left, and he would not waste it.
Chapter Ten
Ursula still slept when Henry woke, sore and tired. Any other day, he would have lounged happily with his friends, recovering from a night spent pushing too hard, running too far. Today, with the task that was ahead of him, he wanted only to return to Blackens Gate and get it over with.
He did not wait to say goodbye. He might take her into his arms again, feel her soft, slight body against his, and make the coming months even more difficult to bear. There would be no reason to consummate the marriage, as she already bore a child, proving she was indeed capable of it. Not that he expected to raise any of his own issue. Only a brute would ask her, when she was so obviously terrified of men, to share his bed.
As he rode through the forest, the trees made him uneasy, the sky seemed wrong. Nothing was different, and yet, everything seemed to be. He rode to the only home he’d ever known, horrible though it had been, to ask for banishment from it. Though he had every reason to disavow his loyalty to Lord Canis, his pride still stung him at the thought of doing so. Carrying the letter from the French wolves had been treachery enough, no matter how deeply Henry hated the man.
The ride was long, and the day gray and dull, as if in punishment for the exuberance of the run the night before. Once Raf had allayed some of Henry’s fears, he’d been able to truly enjoy himself again. The prospect of a future with Ursula hadn’t seemed quite so far-fetched as it did now, in the light of day.
Before he’d left Fallow Manor, Aurelia had risen to see that Robin cooked him breakfast and packed some bread and hard cheese for the ride. She’d been more than willing to answer his questions about Ursula, from what she knew of her. The girl was twenty, and had followed her father around the countryside in search of work. That was when she’d agreed to serve at Blackens Gate. That was when her nightmare had begun.
It disturbed Henry to think that had she never made the decision to come to Blackens Gate, her life would have been untouched by the violence that had been visited upon her. It disturbed him more to realize that he would never have met her.
He arrived at Blackens Gate near suppertime, and he cursed himself for taking so long and reluctant a journey. There was a chance, now, that Lord Canis would not speak with him until tomorrow, and Henry craved an answer sooner than that. He handed off his horse to a stable boy and sought the great hall, where he hoped to find Lord Canis.
Instead, he found Lucas, leaning against a stone pillar, making a pastime of glowering. “You came back.”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Henry pretended to have a destination in mind, striding across the hall, toward the doors that would open to Lord Canis’ courtyard.
“Ain’t out there,” Lucas said, spitting in the moldering rushes. “You see my Ursula?”
It might have been the long ride and the short amount of sleep he’d gotten, but Henry no longer felt like playing this game with the man. He walked over to him, not making eye contact as he pulled off his riding gloves. “Did you marry this girl?”
“Marry a human?” Lucas scoffed. “Leave that to the humans. Like you.”
Henry shrugged. “She lives at Fallow Manor now, as Sir Raf’s servant. I suppose you would fight him for her?”
Lucas laughed. His suspicions confirmed, he no longer treated Henry as though he were a threat. It was a mistake, though he would not see it yet. “He’s a cripple, I could tear him to pieces.”
“You could,” Henry agreed calmly, though he doubted Lucas’ boast. The man was still young and unseasoned by true combat. Though Raf’s leg might be missing, he had fought in battles that had lasted for days. There was power in him yet, as he’d proved against his brother. “But then, everyone would know that you cared about a human.”
“I care about that child she carries. I won’t see a son of mine raised to softness by humans.” Lucas sniffed, drawing himself up straight with pride. “If she fights me on it, I’ll cut him from her womb before she has time to scream.”
Every protective instinct in Henry roared for satisfaction. Still he forced himself to stay calm, to control himself. He could protect the child in a much better way than simply killing its true father.
Still, as Henry looked at the man, his mind spun with furious thoughts. You will never hurt her. You will never see the child, and the child will never know of you. It will not become what you are.
“Take it from me, Lucas. Half-wolves are nothing to concern yourself with. Find a good wolf-woman to mate. Let the bastard go.” He slapped Lucas’ shoulder reassuringly.
Lucas seemed to actually consider it for a moment, his piggish eyes narrowing as his greedy brain processed the idea. That his first child would be a half-breed bastard seemed not to bother him until another half-breed bastard pointed it out. “I suppose you’re right.”
“As I often am.” Already men filed into the great hall to wait for their suppers. There would be no chance to speak with Lord Canis tonight. As Henry drifted away from Lucas, his thoughts turned to Ursula, waiting back at Fallow Manor. Did she wait for him, or did she dread his return? She’d seemed amenable to the marriage, in the end, and she’d been comfortable enough to let him feel the babe moving beneath her skin.
He opened and closed his hand a few times, trying to shake his memory of those soft, astounding touches. For that moment, he’d almost believed the child was
truly his. It would be, he vowed. He had only to speak to Lord Canis on the morrow.
While he had some small hope that Lord Canis might call upon him as he sometimes did after Henry’s journeys to Fallow. Tonight, Canis stayed in the hall only briefly, and talked to no one but his son. Roderick did not linger in the hall, either, and with their leaders gone, the pack fell into slovenly, raucous drunkenness. They would pay for it in the morning, and Henry wanted no part, so he retreated for the barracks.
In the summertime, many of the men chose to sleep in their wolf form in the central courtyard of Blackens Gate. Henry liked the extra space in the large rooms the untitled warriors shared. He went to his cot and laid down, willing himself to sleep, if only to pass the time.
Sleep did not come easily. Thoughts of Ursula snuck into his mind. He wondered what she would be like, when she did warm to him. He thought of the possibility that he might one day bed her, and he felt a strange sense of shame that he would go to her inexperienced. Why shame, when he’d abstained for so many years out of duty to prevent another bastard half-wolf in the pack? Still, the reasoning no longer seemed sound. What if he couldn’t please her? What if he hurt her?
He thought of how she’d looked when he’d arrived at Fallow Manor, the way the light had danced on her hair. It was so easy to imagine her looking up, her eyes sparkling, full of joy to see him. It seemed more impossible than anything he’d ever considered before.
The torment was not enough to keep him awake all night, and after a few hours of sleep he rose, washed and dressed, and sought out Lord Canis. He found him in the armory, looking over three bejeweled swords.
“Damn Spaniards, think they can bribe me,” Canis growled, not looking up to see whom he addressed. “Good steel, though.”
“From the Templar Wolves of Sevilla?” Henry lifted an eyebrow at the sight of ostentatious swords. “They will be useless in battle.”
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