by Amy Andrews
Ben saw the finality in her blue gaze. For some reason she truly believed that this baby would be better off without her. ‘Why, Katya? Would being married to me be that awful?’
Oh, God! Awful? On the contrary. She shut her eyes briefly and thought about waking up to his beautiful face every morning. Having his lazy smile and slumberous gaze the first thing she saw every day. It was a delicious thought. A seductive thought.
‘I can’t be a mother.’
‘Because you’re mothered out.’
Somehow Ben didn’t think that was it. There had to be more than that. As prickly as she could be, abandoning a child just didn’t ring true.
Katya heard the disbelief in his voice. It sounded like such a paltry excuse when he said it like that. But he hadn’t lived her life. If he could have just walked a mile in her shoes, he’d understand. But if you’re born with a silver spoon in your mouth, how could you possibly understand a life of poverty?
‘Da.’ Let him think what he liked.
‘I don’t believe you,’ he said. ‘You may not be the softest person I know but underneath your hard exterior, there is a deeply compassionate woman, Katya. I know that because you showed me that woman the night I heard about Mario. The one night I needed comfort you gave it to me. Unquestioningly. I know that woman could never walk away from a child. Especially her own child.’
Katya just stopped herself from gaping. One night of passion and Ben had seen the person beneath the surface. The Katya she was deep down, beneath the blunt, unemotional façade. The Katya she’d been before her mother had decided to give her responsibilities beyond her years. ‘You wouldn’t understand,’ she said dismissively
‘Try me,’ he countered.
Katya sighed. ‘It doesn’t matter, Ben.’
Ben snorted. ‘I’m sorry, Katya, it does. You want me to take on a child that you’re not prepared to. Give years of my life that you’re not prepared to. Convince me.’
Katya looked at him helplessly. How could a man of Ben’s background understand? Her hands shook. Baring her soul, telling him everything was too exposing. ‘I’d be bad at it.’
‘Rubbish.’
Katya’s head shot up at his tone. She shook her head. ‘You don’t know me,’ she said. ‘I spend one night in your arms and you think you know me?’
He ignored her. If he kept at it, he was sure she’d tell him the real reason. ‘I know you’re strong. I know you’re tough. I know you’re capable enough, stubborn enough, fierce enough to do this by yourself.’
Katya shook her head emphatically. ‘I’ve seen how hard it is for a single mother. What a struggle it is to raise a child and juggle work and home commitments. I know how hard it is financially and emotionally. I don’t want to be that kind of mother.’
He noted her look of grim determination. Katya’s life had obviously been very hard. But despite that she obviously cared about the quality of her mothering. That didn’t strike Ben as someone who didn’t care. He sensed he was getting closer and closer to the real reason. ‘What kind of mother do you want to be?’
Katya glared at him. She was not going to fall for that. ‘I don’t want to be any kind of mother.’
‘Why?’ he persisted.
Why? Why didn’t he just leave it alone, damn it? ‘Because,’ Katya said exasperated, ‘I’d be really bad at it.’
‘Why?’ Ben asked again. ‘You said yourself you’ve already raised four babies, one would have thought you’d be highly experienced at it.’
Yeah, right. Katya was sure Sophia wouldn’t agree. ‘I did what I had to do,’ she said. ‘Doesn’t mean I was good at it.’
Ben watched Katya pluck at the leather beading on the arm of the lounge. Her gaze was downcast, her movements seemed agitated and he suddenly wondered if something bad had happened.
‘Katya,’ he said, ‘talk to me.’
Katya was lured into looking at him by the raw request. His gaze was soft and compassionate and she wanted to crawl into his lap and tell him everything. About all the hard years and the guilt.
The terrible, terrible guilt she still felt today over her sister’s injuries. Even though Sophia was leading a happy and productive life.
She shook her head. ‘It’s OK for you, Ben. You had a great role model. Lucia is loving and supportive. You probably even had a father at some stage.’
‘Not really,’ he said. ‘My father died when I was one. I never really knew him.’
‘I bet your mother adored him, though, right?’
Ben smiled and nodded, remembering the many happy memories his mother had recounted over the years. ‘They were very happy. My mother misses him very much.’
Katya nodded. ‘I can tell.’ The Contessa looked like a woman who had been well loved. ‘My mother’s not like that. She’s...different. Life hasn’t been so good to her and, as role models go, she was lousy. So I don’t know how to be a mother. Not a good one, anyway.’
Ben was getting a clearer and clearer picture. Katya was the product of her upbringing. But he couldn’t get past her hand still guarding her abdomen. She may have talked herself out of it but there was something in her actions, in the way she was launching into this crazy plan, that told him she didn’t want to walk away from the baby.
And if he agreed to Katya’s proposal, if raising their child became his responsibility, then surely he’d be remiss if he didn’t demand the best? Which was two loving parents.
‘You don’t have to do it alone, cara. I’ll be there to help you.’
Katya stared at him, captivated by the promise in his words. But how often had she heard her mother’s men say the same thing? Years of ingrained mistrust couldn’t be undone so easily.
If she stayed, if she married him, what would happen to the child when it all fell apart? Like her mother’s relationships always had? Would their child be forced to pick up the pieces as she had done? Did she want to inflict that on her baby?
Repeat the cycle?
Katya shook her head again before she did something stupid like say yes. ‘No.’ She must not let a Count with long eyelashes and silky promises ruin her focus. ‘But I’m pleased it will have a father,’ she said, rubbing her tummy again. ‘I didn’t have a father...I missed that. No doubt you did, too.’
Yes, he had. But he’d had a mother. Probably the only person more important than the father in a child’s life. ‘Yes, I did. But a child needs a mother more. What about breastfeeding? Don’t you want the best start in life for our child?’
Katya swallowed as an image of her with Ben’s baby snuggled in close rose before her. She could see its dark downy hair and almost feel the pull of its hungry mouth. ‘Plenty of babies are bottle-fed in this world. If that’s the worst that can happen, it’ll be doing OK.’
Try as he may, Ben just couldn’t get his head around a woman rejecting her baby. ‘Don’t you want this baby, love this baby with every cell in your body?’
His words clawed at Katya’s soul. She didn’t expect him to understand her motivations. She cleared her throat. ‘This is not about me not loving the baby, Ben. Why do you think I couldn’t terminate the pregnancy? But I love it enough to know that I can’t look after it and that it’ll be better off without me.’
‘All this baby needs is for you to love it, Katya. Nothing else.’
He made it sound so simple. But she’d loved Sophia. And ultimately that hadn’t meant anything. It hadn’t stopped her getting hurt. Nearly dying. Being permanently scarred.
‘No, Ben, trust me, babies can’t live on love alone.’
Ben clenched his hands into fists. He was getting tired of her vague insinuations. He knew she wasn’t deliberately trying to frustrate him, that there was something deep down that she couldn’t share, that was too horrible for her to talk about. And he knew how that felt. How guilt and anger and circumstances in life could turn a person into someone they’d never thought they’d be.
‘What are your other options?’ he asked. ‘If I say no, w
hat’s your plan B?’
Katya’s heart pounded in her chest. He wouldn’t. Would he? ‘Adoption.’
Ben felt as if she had slapped him. His head was filled with a mix of emotions all whizzing around, clashing into each other until he didn’t know how he felt any more. But he knew how he felt about this.
Would she seriously give his baby away to complete strangers? Not that he had a problem with adoption, but not for his baby.
‘Really?’ he asked.
She heard the incredulity in his voice. ‘It’s not my preferred option, Ben. But you have to understand — I can’t do this.’
Ben nodded slowly. Suddenly, he believed her. He got it. He really got it now. She was deadly serious. It was him or some stranger raising his child. He rejected it immediately, the traditionalist emerging again. This was his baby. His baby.
He couldn’t let anyone else raise it.
For some reason she really thought she couldn’t do it. Some reason that she couldn’t tell him about. It was frustrating but maybe she just needed a bit of time. Maybe the marriage would give her a different perspective?
He nodded slowly. ‘OK. I’ll do it. But only if you agree to marry me.’
Katya’s body rocked with a maelstrom of emotions. Ben had said yes. She had accomplished her goal. But at what cost? She knew everything he said made sense but if she married him, she’d be walking away not just from her baby but from a marriage, too.
‘Why,’ she asked, ‘why do you want to complicate your life by marrying me?’
‘Oh, and you think a child won’t complicate it?’
She gave him a frustrated stare. ‘Don’t you think marrying for a child is wrong?’
He shrugged. ‘Plenty of couples do it.’
‘And plenty of them fail,’ she pointed out. ‘Don’t you want to marry for higher ideals? Like love?’
He snorted. ‘Love? What’s that? I don’t believe in it. All love does is make you blind to things you should see and makes you see things that aren’t there.’
Katya blinked. And she thought she was cynical? Could she marry a man who didn’t believe in love? Even for a few short months? She may have grown up in the gritty reality of life but somewhere beneath her tough exterior there was still a tiny part of her, a remnant of a romantic eight-year-old, who still dreamt of a Prince Charming on a white charger. Who demanded it.
‘And what do we tell people when I leave the marriage after the baby’s born? If we marry, we give everyone involved a false promise. Can you lie to everyone about that? Can you lie to your mother?’
Ben hesitated. Could he? Could he look his mother in the eye? ‘Married or not, they’re going to have an expectation that our relationship is going to last longer than a few months,’ he said. ‘I’m a Medici, they’ll have expectations.’
Katya shrugged her slim shoulders. ‘Let them.’
‘People around here will expect us to marry.’
‘I can’t, Ben. I won’t. I’ll do whatever else you ask. I’ll sign anything you want to grant you legal recognition as the father of the baby. You can get a paternity test. I’ll stay here till it’s born. Hell, I’ll live with you, if that helps. But I will not marry you.’
Ben heard the finality in her voice. And he believed her. She looked grim and solemn and resolute. ‘You’re making a mistake,’ he said grimly.
She shook her head emphatically. ‘No, Ben, I’m not. This is probably the only thing I’m doing right. You see, I have no control over being pregnant. Over this situation. Not now. And if this hadn’t have happened, we’d probably never have seen each other again. But I do have control over this. Over who I marry. My faith in marriage is fairly non-existent, I’m afraid. But I do know that I can’t settle for less than one hundred per cent love and commitment. I’ve seen firsthand how that can destroy someone.’
‘I can promise you, you will have one hundred and ten per cent commitment from me, Katya.’
Katya laughed harshly. ‘What, until I leave?’
He nodded. ‘For as long as you stay.’
And then what? Back to the swimwear models? ‘Can you promise me love?’
Ben blinked and felt his heart pounding in his chest. An image of Bianca and Mario locked together in a passionate kiss swam before him.
Love? What the hell was love?
‘Maybe...over time...’
Great. So she’d be just like her mother. Waiting around, wasting her life in futile relationships, hanging on for those three magic words?
‘Relax, Ben, it’s OK. You don’t love me. I don’t love you. We’re just two people who were irresponsible and are facing the consequences. But that only gives you the right to this baby. It doesn’t give you the right to me.’
Katya raised her head and held it up proudly. The traditionalist in him might be forcing him to be noble but the eight-year-old girl in her, the one who’d had all her dreams crushed into the dirt, was stubbornly shaking her head, refusing to give away her last childhood fantasy.
Ben took a moment to digest her words. She really was serious about leaving the child for him to raise. He could see the determined jut of her chin. This was obviously a deal breaker for her. He quickly weighed up his options. If he insisted, forced her hand, would she leave taking his baby with her? Go through with her plans to have it adopted?
Or could he pull back and try and convince her in the time between now and the baby’s birth that their child needed a mother as well as a father? Gently, slowly, surely work away at her, get to know her and help her to see that she could be a mother to the baby? Even if they never married, surely Katya staying was the best scenario possible?
He had about six months...
Nodding, Ben conceded. ‘OK, fine. We’ll play it your way.’
Katya watched his face, searching it for any insincerity, any hesitancy. All she saw was openness and acceptance. All the tension that had been holding her upright since she’d found out about the baby oozed from her body and Katya sagged back into the soft leather of the chair.
She had done it. She had secured the best possible outcome for her child. What happened from now on didn’t matter.
Now it was done, there was a moment of awkwardness. ‘If you want to get a test organised and some papers drawn up, I’ll sign them,’ she said.
He nodded. ‘I’ll see to it. I’ll make sure you’re provided for as well.’
Katya’s heartbeat slow for a few seconds before it sped up and a spurt of anger surged through her bloodstream. This was the second time he’d try to buy her. ‘Like payment, Ben?’ she asked, her voice low.
‘No,’ he protested quickly. ‘No. I just meant...I don’t want the mother of my child to have to struggle.’
Katya could see his good intentions written all over his handsome face and her anger dissipated. She sighed. ‘I don’t want anything from you, Ben. I never have. Not money or property or anything else. I’ll be just fine. I was fine before you and I’ll be fine after you.’ Hopefully. ‘All I need is your assurances that you will love and care for our child.’
Ben believed her. She truly was a woman who didn’t seem to need anyone. Sincerity oozed from every pore of her body. Katya Petrova was a proud woman. Even a legitimate chance to improve her status was rejected. ‘On my family’s honour, Katya,’ he assured her, ‘I will be the best father I can be.’
‘Thank you. That’s all I want.’
Silence stretched between the two of them. Katya wasn’t sure what they should do next. What did people do after they’d haggled over the future of their baby and their lives?
Shake on it?
A few more moments passed. Ben roused himself from his still spinning thoughts. ‘How are you feeling now?’ he asked. ‘Do you think your stomach could stand the trip back? We may as well get the ball rolling. We’ll go to Positano and tell Mamma.’
Ben stopped and grinned for the first time since Katya had flipped his world on its head. ‘She’ll be ecstatic.’
Un
til she found out about the whole no-wedding thing, anyway.
A ghost of a smile flitted across Katya’s lips as she imagined Lucia clapping her hands in glee.
‘How about your mother? Have you told your family?’
Katya heard her mother’s words again about being nice to Ben and she shuddered, thinking about it. She wasn’t going to tell her mother about the baby - ever. Olgah was not going to get a chance to ingratiate herself with a rich Italian count.
‘No.’
Ben regarded her seriously for a few moments, her expression shuttered. ‘Katya, she’s our baby’s grandmother.’
‘No.’
He nodded. ‘OK.’ Now was not the time for pushing. ‘Do you reckon you’re up to taking the boat to Positano or do you want to head back in to Amalfi and drive?’
Katya looked at both alternatives disparagingly. Neither was particularly attractive. But her stomach was feeling much more settled now and at least on the sea they had more room than on those narrow twisting roads.
‘You really have to see Positano from the sea. I think it’s the best aspect. It gives you a true appreciation of its magnificence.’
‘OK,’ Katya agreed.
She followed him up on deck her head spinning at everything that had transpired but, soon enough, as the boat motored along, those thoughts dissipated. Ben had been right - the sea aspect was amazing. She sat on one of the side seats, the breeze blowing her hair, and watched the world go by as the powerful boat ate up the distance. Her stomach never quavered once and Katya actually enjoyed the warm sun on her face and arms.
He pointed out different areas of interest as they passed by and Katya took in the incredible edifices of the villas lining the cliff faces. They clung to the craggy rocks, some new, some looking almost as old as the mountains themselves. The sun beat down, bathing the scenery in an impossibly bright light, the villas almost glowing.
Each house seemed to have stairs cut into the stone of the cliffs that zigzagged their way down the rock face until they reached concrete platforms at the bottom. Many of the residents were availing themselves of these private balconies, using them not just for sunbathing but as a springboard into the inviting blue of the Med. Some of the people even waved at Ben as the boat sped by.