by Alexis Hall
[Group][Efthalia]: i was just always more about endgame
[Group][Efthalia]: i’ve only got three alts
[Group][Aconite]: No wonder you’re the best geared tank on the server
[Group][Efthalia]: lol
[Group][Aconite]: Well TB is your classic hive of scum and villainy. It’s run by dark elf pirates
[Group][Aconite]: It’s way cooler than the Glittering Cove, which is where the smelly high elves take you
[Group][Aconite]: There’s actually quite a decent quest line where you have to track down this cult that’s trying to summon an ancient sea god that totally isn’t Cthulhu
[Group][Efthalia]: you can give me the guided tour after we’ve done BM
[Group][Aconite]: Absolutely. We can have a quiet drink in the Iron Maiden
They made their way north over the blasted heaths surrounding Tormenter’s Bay, trying to avoid the level twelve Ash-Touched Bears that lurked close to the port.
You have discovered The Fetid Morass.
[Group][Aconite]: You really know how to show a boy a good time
[Group][Efthalia]: hey this was your idea
As much as Drew appreciated the design effort that went into much of the game, he had to admit that the Fetid Morass was just a bit dull. It was all grey-brown pools of water, grey-brown trees, and the occasional creepily glowing mushroom. He followed Aconite’s bobbing snakes to the edge of a vast, dismal lake.
[Group][Aconite]: So you sort of have to swim down to it
[Group][Efthalia]: omg
[Group][Efthalia]: wtf
[Group][Efthalia]: are you seriously telling me that the entry-level group content
[Group][Efthalia]: is hidden at the bottom of the swamp
[Group][Aconite]: That’s how they rolled in vanilla
[Group][Aconite]: It was actually pretty exciting the first time I came here
[Group][Aconite]: Jacob brought me on an alt run
[Group][Efthalia]: did he tell you the whole history
[Group][Aconite]: Actually, there’s surprisingly little lore on this one
[Group][Aconite]: It sort of ties into the cult thing in TB but that never comes up again
[Group][Aconite]: Basically we swim in, beat up some evil frogmen, and fight an elemental
[Group][Efthalia]: bring it
They plunged into the murky water and, painfully slowly, swam towards the centre of the lake. About halfway through, Drew noticed his health going down quickly.
[Group][Efthalia]: wa11111wwaaaa
[Group][Efthalia]: help
He frantically swivelled the camera around until he located his attacker: an implausibly large fish that was chewing on Efthalia’s defenceless nethers. He attempted to summon the elemental forces of fire to defend himself but the relentless assault of his fishy opponent kept interrupting his spellcasting.
[Group][Aconite]: omg
[Group][Aconite]: omw
[Group][Efthalia]: ahhhhhh
Efthalia was killed by Irate Turbot: bite (4)
Efthalia has died.
Efthalia’s body floated limply in the brownish water.
[Group][Aconite]: I will avenge you!
There was an explosion of purple shadow.
[Group][Aconite]: My name is Aconite. You killed my . . . the other medusa I hang around with. Prepare to die!
As Drew watched, the evil fish was consumed by tendrils of dark magic and flipped belly up alongside Efthalia.
[Group][Efthalia]: rez plox
[Group][Aconite]: Um, this is a pure DPS class
[Group][Aconite]: You’re the one with the rez
[Group][Efthalia]: ffs
Drew clicked Release Spirit and the world faded to shades of grey and blue. His ghost appeared at the nearest graveyard, and he began the undignified jog back to his corpse.
A few minutes later, Efthalia was alive and doing her ridiculous swim animation, as the two medusas continued their descent towards the Bubbling Mire.
You have discovered The Bubbling Mire.
Another loading screen: this one showed a frogman with a spear. It wasn’t exactly threatening, but since Drew had just been killed by an angry fish, he was withholding judgement.
Efthalia and Aconite appeared in the mouth of a dripping-wet cave, illuminated by more of the glowy mushrooms he’d seen on the surface. Ahead of them, two frogmen were standing around, ready to be killed.
[Group][Efthalia]: tacs
[Group][Aconite]: Um
[Group][Aconite]: Well, I thought we could tank it with my Doomshadow
[Group][Efthalia]: you want me to heal your pet.
[Group][Aconite]: Well, it’s got more health than either of us and it’s the only one in the party with an actual taunt.
[Group][Efthalia]: this does not feel like a pro move
[Group][Aconite]: Welcome to healing
[Group][Aconite]: Dignity is something that happens to other classes
[Group][Efthalia]: I could try to storm tank it
[Group][Aconite]: And I could keep you alive with my zero healing spells
[Group][Efthalia]: . . .
[Group][Aconite]: Honestly. You tanks. You really do think your health stays up on its own, don’t you?
[Group][Efthalia]: ok ok
[Group][Efthalia]: just let me spend my ONE talent point
[Group][Efthalia]: and quickbar my TWO healing spells
On some level, Drew was aware he might be taking this too seriously. He set up a couple of targeting macros and rearranged his interface to centralise his party’s health bars. Beside him, Aconite jumped up and down, and finally started the longish ritual to summon the blobby demon that would be responsible for keeping them alive and unmolested in the dungeon.
[Charnos] says: I have been called
[Aconite] says: Yes. Yes you have.
[Aconite] says: Now, pay close attention, this is a three-phase fight and your top prio is keeping the mobs off the healing team.
[Group][Efthalia]: lol
[Group][Aconite]: Right. We’re probably going to die horribly because I’ve never played a tanking class or a pet class
[Group][Aconite]: And I’m really not sure Charnos was paying attention when I told him the tacs
Charnos was, in fact, gazing around distractedly. It was probably just a quirk of the animation, but it wasn’t very reassuring. A couple of raid markers popped up over the heads of the patiently waiting frogmen.
[Efthalia] says: Dude, focus.
[Group][Aconite]: I’ll send him against star. We probably need to give him a couple of seconds to establish threat
[Group][Aconite]: Do you have [Incapacitating Wind]?
[Group][Efthalia]: yeah but i’m taking something for it
[Group][Aconite]: Okay, so you wind dildo
[Group][Aconite]: Charnos will take star
[Group][Aconite]: And . . . we’ll see if we live.
Efthalia stepped forward and began to gather the elemental forces of the storm. A vortex of swirling wind lifted one of the frogmen into the air and the other one hopped slowly forwards with what might have been a murderous look in its eyes. Except . . . frog.
Charnos drifted out to meet it and there was a dicey moment when Drew really wasn’t certain if a level ten summoned creature was able to stand up to a level twelve elite. The demon’s health bar wasn’t exactly plummeting, but it was going down pretty quickly. Pulse pounding, Drew quickly threw a Life Seed on it and then followed up with a Nourishing Soil.
He was so focused on Charnos’s health bar and the two ways he had to maintain it that he had no idea what else was going on. Occasionally he’d see a flurry of shadow from Aconite’s direction.
The fight seemed to be lasting forever. But, as it went on, he started to feel more confident. Charnos was taking damage at a steady rate, and he was getting a good feel for when he had to be healing and when he could afford to do other stuff.
With a mournful ribbit, the first bullywug
crumpled to the floor and Charnos moved menacingly to the second, who’d just recovered from his attack of Incapacitating Wind. This time Drew was comfortable enough to switch between his two healing spells and his two damage spells, and the frogman fell over substantially faster.
He gave an actual fist pump, exclaiming to his empty room that the frog dudes could, indeed, suck it.
[Group][Aconite]: Yay!
[Group][Aconite]: *hugs Charnos*
[Group][Efthalia]: hey I was here too
[Group][Efthalia]: healing
[Group][Aconite]: *hugs Efthalia*
[Group][Efthalia]: i can’t believe we pulled that off
[Group][Aconite]: Don’t get too excited
[Group][Aconite]: There’s four in the next pack
[Group][Efthalia]: !!!
[Group][Aconite]: But first! The loots!
[Enigmatic Bracers of the Whale] Need/Greed
Drew squinted at the crappy stats on the crappy drop.
[Group][Efthalia]: they are technically an upgrade
[Group][Aconite]: For me too
[Group][Aconite]: My bracers are still grey
[Group][Efthalia]: hey thems healer stats
[Group][Aconite]: You’re right. Those 2 points of wisdom will make all the difference to your performance
[Group][Aconite]: You take them
[Group][Efthalia]: i was only joking
[Group][Efthalia]: you have them
[Group][Aconite]: No, you should always take care of the healer first
[Group][Aconite]: You can remember this moment when we go back to our mains
[Group][Aconite]: Besides, I don’t think they go with my toga
You have received [Enigmatic Bracers of the Whale].
Drew equipped his shiny new healing gear. It didn’t go with his toga either. All the same, Efthalia gave a little /twirl and Aconite /clapped.
Charnos remained unimpressed, stretching his claws in a way that suggested he really wanted to be tearing something’s soul from its body right now.
They moved cautiously down the tunnel and into the next cavern. More mushrooms. More bullywugs. Whoever had designed this dungeon had either put no effort into making it interesting or a lot of effort into making it accessible.
And had clearly been a different person to whoever had decided to put it at the bottom of a swamp surrounded by killer fish.
[Group][Efthalia]: tacs
[Group][Aconite]: Same again but double, I guess
[Group][Aconite]: I’ll have Charnos take star and skull. You wind dildo. I’ll stick [Damnable Chains] on circle.
[Group][Efthalia]: sounds like a plan
[Group][Aconite]: Jacob would love this
[Group][Aconite]: We’ve never 2-manned this one but I think he’d dig the retro charm
[Group][Efthalia]: you can inv him if you like
[Group][Aconite]: Do you want me to?
[Group][Efthalia]: only if you want to
[Group][Efthalia]: i mean
[Group][Efthalia]: its up to you
[Group][Aconite]: I like hanging out with Jacob but we do that all the time
[Group][Aconite]: I kind of like that this is just us
[Group][Aconite]: If that’s okay
Drew was in a messy place again. He’d thought Kit wanted Ialdir along, and that had made him feel weird, but it seemed Kit didn’t, and that made him feel weirder. He decided it was a happy weird.
[Group][Efthalia]: I like it too
[Group][Aconite]: And I brought Charnos
[Group][Aconite]: To chaperone
[Group][Aconite]: Protect your virtue
[Group][Efthalia]: maybe hes my type
[Group][Efthalia]: all big and purple with no face
[Group][Aconite]: O.O
[Group][Efthalia]: that didn’t come out right
[Group][Efthalia]: should we kill these frogs
Efthalia and Aconite stepped forward together this time. One of the bullywugs was snatched into the air by Efthalia’s wind (someday Drew was going to stop smirking at that) and another was rooted to the ground by chains of living darkness. Charnos floated forward and started making threatening gestures at the other two frog people. With twice the attacks coming in, his health was going down twice as fast and Drew was in a panic.
[Group][Aconite]: omg spears
[Group][Aconite]: spears
Drew spun the camera to see long wooden staffs piercing Aconite’s character model. And then glanced back at the health bars to see that she’d dropped from basically fine to basically dead in about three seconds. His HoT was on cooldown and he managed to get about halfway through a Nourishing Soil before Aconite fell to the ground and Charnos winked out of existence, freeing the two previously incapacitated bullywugs to hop viciously in his direction.
He did what any loyal and courageous Hero of Legend would do. He turned and legged it, straight back up the corridor and out of the portal.
Loading screen again.
[Group][Aconite]: omg healer
[Group][Aconite]: y no healz
[Group][Efthalia]: i actually feel really bad
[Group][Efthalia]: :(
[Group][Aconite]: If the DPS die it’s their own damn fault
[Group][Efthalia]: what happened
[Group][Aconite]: The frogs at the back had spears so the one I rooted could still attack me
[Group][Aconite]: :(
[Group][Efthalia]: nerf frogs
[Group][Aconite]: Nerf spears
When Efthalia was close to running out of air and Drew was moderately certain that the frogs had gone back to their stations, he swam back into the dungeon, inched into range of Aconite’s corpse, and began to coerce the elemental powers of earth into releasing her spirit from the netherworld.
A second or two later, she popped up next to him and began the ritual to resummon her demonic servant.
[Group][Aconite]: Yay
[Charnos] says: Your will?
[Aconite] says: You noob, Charnos
[Group][Efthalia]: hey your the one who pulled threat off the tank
[Group][Aconite]: Only because my DPS is so imba
[Group][Efthalia]: we trying this again
[Group][Aconite]: Definitely
[Group][Aconite]: Same strat, I’ll just move the marks so I root the melee
This time things went slightly better. They still all died but they managed to take a couple of frogs out with them, which meant they only had two left to deal with on their next run. And they went down fairly easily.
[Group][Efthalia]: wow
[Group][Efthalia]: this is kind of intense
[Group][Aconite]: Yeah, do you mind we’re desert gorging it?
[Group][Efthalia]: i might if i knew what it meant
[Group][Aconite]: I picked it up from Jacob
[Group][Aconite]: It basically means winning by exploiting the fact that you come back from the dead
[Group][Aconite]: And your opponents don’t
[Group][Aconite]: It’s from a comic he likes
[Group][Efthalia]: i’m just impressed that has a name
[Group][Aconite]: But you’re okay with this, right?
[Group][Aconite]: We might die quite a lot
[Group][Efthalia]: my repair bill is like 3 coppers
[Group][Efthalia]: i’m good
Drew was actually getting quite into it. There was a sort of . . . cleanness somehow to the challenge it presented: this obstacle is designed to require x amount of resources, you have y amount of resources, how do you use those creatively to make up the difference. In practice, what it meant was a mix of hit-and-run tactics, kiting, and really intense crowd control. They died a few times, but gradually they developed a kind of military precision and an instinct for what the other person was doing, which meant they often triumphed when they really, really shouldn’t have. It was a way of playing the game that Drew would never have thought of, and he was really glad Kit had shared it with him.
The poor bastard didn’t even have any dialogue.
[Group][Efthalia]: i can’t believe we actually made it
[Group][Aconite]: I know, right?
[Aconite] says: Charnos, when we first met, I didn’t understand the depths of your courage or the purpleness of your face.
[Aconite] says: But now I understand that you are a true heroic spirit
[Aconite] says: I couldn’t have done it without you, buddy.
[Aconite] says: You, me, and this other guy hanging out at the back
[Aconite] says: No idea what he’s doing
[Efthalia] says: Hey!
[Group][Efthalia]: any tacs
[Group][Aconite]: Actually, after all that, he should be pretty straightforward
[Group][Aconite]: I think he’s got a tiny knockback
[Group][Aconite]: And an AoE that will be meaningless because we’ve got no melee
It was, as it turned out, as straightforward as Kit had suggested. Charnos kept Quaqmire busy while Efthalia and Aconite plinked away at his hit points, with Efthalia throwing out the occasional heal as needed. A few minutes later, the elemental exploded in a sploosh of dirty water. It ought to have been anticlimactic, but it felt awesome.
Achievement unlocked: The Bubbling Mire
[Defeat Quagmire the Bog Lord in The Bubbling Mire]
[Group][Aconite]: Yay!!!
[Group][Efthalia]: do you want to get a coffee some time
Oh shit. Drew’d had no idea he’d been about to type that.
But there it was. And he couldn’t take it back now.
And he was pretty sure he didn’t want to.
[Group][Aconite]: Are you sure?
[Group][Aconite]: Because I can see you might have been swept up in the moment
[Group][Aconite]: What with the romantic swamp water
[Group][Aconite]: And Charnos, of course
He had been caught up in the moment. But it wasn’t really about the game or—for that matter—Charnos. It was about being with Kit.
Which, he was beginning to realise, he still really liked.
That hadn’t changed at all.
[Group][Efthalia]: yeah no i’m sure
[Group][Efthalia]: if you want to