by Ali Lewis
Nineteen
The ute’s engine growled louder, so I lay with my belly on the ground, hoping I’d ducked down below its headlights. It was then I remembered what the Pommie had said about Reg, so I started rolling over and over in the dust, covering myself with the dirt. I wanted to be a desert snow leopard too, so Dad wouldn’t be able to see me.
As the ute got closer and closer, I started to think he might run me over. I shut my eyes tight and braced myself. It came nearer and nearer. I held my breath. Dad drove past me. He must have only been a few yards away, but he couldn’t see me in that dusty disguise. The ute hummed towards Warlawurru like a mosquito. I stayed down on the ground, which was getting wet from my tears. I had no Jonny, no Buzz and my sister was a gin-jockey. I guess I had no family really. It was cold on the ground.
When I saw Mick Smith’s white beard, I thought I was with Father Christmas. There was still a star or two in the sky behind him, so it looked a bit like heaven. I’d forgotten where I was, until he said, ‘G’day, Danny.’ It was like he slapped me awake when I didn’t even know I’d been to sleep.
I think I said Buzz’s name out loud. It was like my mind’s starter motor was just cranking up. Gradually I remembered he was lost, and so was I. Mick sat down. I didn’t ask him if he wanted to. He just squatted on the next patch of dust, like I’d invited him.
He was looking out at where the sun was getting ready to yawn, when he said, ‘No swag?’ I guess it was pretty stupid to sleep out in the desert without a swag, or even a blanket. That reminded my body to feel hungry and cold. I felt like I was going to perish. I guess I had the look of a crazed, dehydrated cow because he held his water bottle out to me and pointed at it with his chin, telling me to have a drink. He gave me his jacket too. It smelled like the inside of the chook house when you go early to collect the eggs. Clean, dry, lived in. Its warmth ached against my sharp shoulders. My dirty, bare legs stuck out underneath and in the grey light, the dried blood on my knees and shins looked like cement.
We didn’t say anything else for a while. Mick just let me think. That’s when I realised that when Sissy’s baby was born we’d kind of be related. After a bit he looked right at me, and said, ‘Buzz? That the camel?’ I nodded and so did he, like it all made sense. Mick leaned back until his hat rested on some spinifex. He looked real comfortable. More comfortable than any whitefella’s ever looked, even in a bed. I guess I was the one who hadn’t been invited. I turned round and started to think of tracking Buzz and how I could find him out in the desert. I swatted at the thought that he might not have survived the night and rested my head on my knees.
‘You want to see Buzz?’ Mick asked. I turned to look at him, wondering what he meant. I thought he was offering to help me track him. Dad reckoned Mick was a great tracker. But then he said, ‘Ya dad’s got him back at Timber Creek – found him while we were looking for you.’
My chin shook against my bottom lip, so I covered my mouth with my hand. When my eyes started to get wet again, I covered them too. I know Mick saw. I just didn’t want to see him, seeing me blub. I could feel the salty streaks dry and go tight against the dirt on my face. After a minute or two, I got up and said, ‘I’m perishing.’ I gave Mick his coat back and said, ‘Thanks.’ The blue desert was streaked with orange when I set off towards Timber Creek. Mick didn’t try to take me back there, like you would a little kid. He let me go on my own.
Where I’d slept wasn’t that far from the house, which was lucky because my right foot was cut to bits. I limped home, afraid of what might happen when I got there, but I had to go – I needed to see Buzz. I decided that if Mum and Dad didn’t want me any more, I’d get a few of my things, Jonny’s cattle book, the card the Pommie had found at the tip, and with Buzz, I’d head towards Marlu Hill. I reckoned someone would give us a lift from there to the Tanami Road and then there might have been a road-train or a ute driver who would drive us to Alice Springs. Aunty Veronica lived in Alice, so I thought I could go to hers.
When I got to the farm gate, I tried to sneak in quietly, so I could see Buzz before I had to speak to anyone else. I wanted to make sure he was OK. Seeing the house and Sissy’s window made me think of her. I wondered if she was OK. Even though it was her fault that Buzz escaped, knowing he was all right made what she’d done seem less important. It was like the morning had taken the sting out of me. All my anger had gone cold during the night. I felt a bit sick about what I’d done, telling Mum and Dad her secret like that. I hated her for rooting with Gil, but I guessed the Pommie was right, I should have kept my big mouth shut. I called myself a stupid bastard then.
As I closed the gate quietly and limped across the yard to the calf pen, I looked over my shoulder. Elliot and Lloyd were outside the house having a smoke. I wondered what had happened. They were meant to be staying at stock camp with Reg’s mob. When they saw me, they both looked like they’d spotted a wanted man. I didn’t stop.
Buzz was waiting for me, like a lanky old carpet. When I saw him, a smile filled my cheeks and it felt strange. I guess it felt like I’d been miserable for so long, my face had forgotten how to do it. I rubbed Buzz’s neck and ears. He seemed different, though, like he didn’t know me. My heart thudded against my chest. I thought I’d win him back with some milk, but he got spooked. His ears went flat and his eyes looked wide and empty and then he reared up. At first I thought he must really hate me, but then I turned round and saw what it was that had got him going. Mum was running towards us. She looked weird in her nightie, outside, in the daylight. Her face was pale. I thought she was about to rugby tackle me, but her arms came out like these big mechanical-digger buckets and hugged me, hard. There was just her thin nightie between her big warmth and my dirty, scratched skin. Her hug wasn’t just nice, though, she wanted to hurt me too. We stayed like that for ages, with her pressing her hard chin and then her cheeks into the top of my hat as I looked down at the ground, squashed into her belly. I started to want her to let go of me.
Clutching my shoulders Mum pushed me away from her body, but held me there, at arm’s length. She looked me in the eye, then looked me up and down, like she was checking for something. Once she was sure it wasn’t there, her wet eyes became hard as she said, ‘Don’t ever, EVER, run off again.’ She shook me. I nodded as tears came into my eyes from nowhere. She told me to go to the house and get some food and a bath. I said I had to feed Buzz first. She stared at me again. I stared back. I think she knew I meant it because she said OK. She didn’t go back to the house, though, she waited for me to give him his milk. She wrapped her arms around her nightie, as it quivered in the cool air. I think she thought I might run away again.
I didn’t say anything else, I just took my time and made sure Buzz had his brekkie. He looked OK. I checked his legs and underneath, but I couldn’t see anything wrong with him. I ran my hands up and down his back and sides as he head-butted me, but I couldn’t feel any bumps or scrapes. Mum said Dad found Buzz during the night when they were all out looking for me. He told her I’d done a good job with Buzz. She reckoned Dad only had to call Buzz’s name once, before he followed him back to Timber Creek.
I should have felt tall when I heard that. Proud. But I didn’t. I realised that the reason Elliot and Lloyd were at the house was because Mum and Dad asked them to come back from stock camp to help find me. I didn’t know they’d all come looking for me. I was glad Dad found Buzz, but it made me feel bad about Sissy.
I asked where Sissy was. Mum said she was in her room, as usual. I asked about Dad and she said he was in the dining room – waiting to see me. I’d had to go and see Dad in the dining room before, for all kinds of different things. Once it was because I’d got distracted and forgot about a hosepipe I’d switched on to fill a trough. I left it running for half a day, and when Dad saw the great big wet mark on the dirt, he went mad. I wondered if Sissy had been called into the dining room too. I reckoned she’d have to explain why she’d been rooting with Gil.
I was a bit
scared about having to face Dad. I’d never run off like that before and I’d never seen him look as angry as he had that night, either. Mum let me go into the dining room on my own. I wanted to touch Jonny’s picture first, but Dad was waiting for me, with his back to the door. Everything went quiet when I walked in. Emily stopped eating her brekkie, so did Liz and Bobbie. Liz gave me a real nice smile, before they all left the room. I reckoned Emily wanted a ringside seat, but she knew she wasn’t welcome. Once they’d gone and we heard the door click shut, Dad scraped his chair back against the floorboards. It made the hollow space under the house sound bigger than usual.
Dad nodded at another chair and told me to sit down. His hands were clasped together, resting on the table. It looked like he was keeping them like that, so one of them couldn’t get loose and whack me. I guess he was pretty mad. He spoke in this real quiet voice, like he was trying hard not to shout. He said I looked a dirty mess and that after he’d finished with me I had to have a shower. He said that from then on, if I put a foot wrong at school, Bobbie would give me a thousand lines. I knew that wouldn’t be all – he was just working up to what he really wanted to say.
Dad looked at me real hard and said Mum had been awake all night worrying about me. I saw the anger in his eyes. He looked back at the table, like that was where he’d left a list of all the things he needed to say. After a second or two he said I had cost the station money. He’d called Elliot and Lloyd back from stock camp to help look for me and because they’d been up all night, he said he had to give them the day off, so they could get some rest. He reckoned that meant Reg and his mob had more work to do, which would cost more money. ‘You are very lucky no cattle suffered because of all this,’ he said.
Dad said I wouldn’t be allowed to go mustering until I’d done enough chores to work off each of the hours of worry I’d caused Mum. ‘By my reckoning that’s about twelve hours, Daniel,’ he said. I took a deep breath and said, ‘OK’. I was waiting for him to say something about Sissy and Gil, but he didn’t. He said I was lucky he didn’t take me outside and flog me. That was it. He stood up, put his hat on and went out. I guess I was glad he didn’t hit me, but I think I might have felt better if he had.
I tried to be quiet for the rest of the day – to blend in with everything, so no one would really know I was there. I had a shower and I was so tired my eyes kept closing. It was quiet everywhere. The fellas were asleep in the demountable outside and Mum was resting inside. Bobbie said there wouldn’t be any school that day because everyone had been up all night. She looked tired. She was swinging like a lazy goanna in her hammock with this look that said, Don’t speak to me. The Pommie was just getting on with her cleaning and things as usual. Emily was real annoying – she wasn’t tired. She’d slept all night and didn’t really know what was going on, so she kept asking all these questions, which bounced against my head like the tapping sound beetles make when they fly into a closed window. I wanted to know what had happened to Sissy. I didn’t see her all morning, but there was no one to ask.
At lunch time Mum had changed out of her nightie into a shirt and trousers, so everything felt normal again – except for Sissy. She waddled out of her room and sat down carefully, like someone had flogged her. Her belly button poked through her T-shirt like a weird thumb. When I looked at her, she gave me this look like she hated me. I guess I had dobbed her in about Gil. I reckon if it wasn’t for that big belly, she’d have come round the table and strangled me, or something. I couldn’t look at her. Elliot and Lloyd said they were going to go back to work, and even though Mum said they didn’t have to, they said they would anyway.
Everyone got down from the table, except me and Mum. Bobbie and Emily went with the fellas to Jaben Point and Sissy disappeared back to her room. I reckoned she’d never speak to me ever again. I was waiting to hear what my chores would be when I began to wonder what Sissy’s punishment was. She hadn’t stayed at the table to hear what her chores were. Mum seemed happy again, so I asked her what Dad had said about Sissy and Gil. She looked at me and asked what I meant. So I said because of the baby. Her eyes narrowed and her mouth fell open.
Mum leaned forward and touched my arm – kind of pinning it down.
Then she said, quietly: ‘What do you mean, Sissy and Gil and the baby?’
Twenty
‘Sissy! SISSY! Get in here now!’ Mum was shouting at the top of her voice but there was no sound from Sissy’s room. Mum shouted for her again and when there was no answer she went to Sissy’s bedroom and opened the door. Sissy wasn’t there. I could tell by the way Mum shut the door again. She came back into the dining room where I was. I guess Mum and Dad hadn’t understood what I meant when I’d called Sissy a gin-jockey the night before. Maybe they just thought it was another nasty name I was calling her – like when Sissy called me gay.
Mum looked at me and said, ‘I want to know everything. NOW!’ Like I was the one who’d been rooting with a gin. While I tried to think what to say I looked at the floor. Mum was looking at me. Waiting. When I looked up she didn’t seem angry, more afraid. She moved her chair round nearer mine and put her other hand on my back – to see if being nice to me would help me spit it all out. She said, ‘It’s OK, Danny, just tell me.’
I wasn’t sure that she meant it. She nodded at me and said, ‘It’s OK,’ more quietly than before. I looked at my hands, then said how I’d already told them: Sissy was a gin-jockey – she was rooting with Gil Smith.
Mum breathed in suddenly and stood up real fast. After a second she said, ‘What makes you think that?’ Like I’d made it up.
My stomach went tight. Mum said again, ‘Why do you think that, Danny?’ I looked at the floor and said I’d seen Gil climbing out of Sissy’s bedroom window and that if Mum didn’t believe me, she should ask the Pommie about it.
Mum shouted through to the kitchen, ‘Liz! Get in here, will you?’ The Pommie came through. She was drying her wet, soapy hands on a towel. Before Liz could speak Mum turned to me and said, ‘Danny, go to your room. Now.’ I got down from the table and walked quickly to my room, which was just off the dining room. My bedroom door was opposite the piano, where the picture of Jonny was. I didn’t know if I was in trouble or not. It felt like I was. I wanted to touch the picture of Jonny on top of the piano, but I couldn’t with Mum and the Pommie there, so I just looked at it real hard instead as I shut my bedroom door.
Mum shouted at the Pommie. I heard her muffled voice through the thin bedroom wall. ‘Danny reckons you saw Gil Smith climbing out of Sissy’s bedroom window – is it true?’ The Pommie must have nodded because then Mum said, ‘Why the hell didn’t you tell me?’ The Pommie said she didn’t want to cause any trouble, it wasn’t really anything to do with her. She said Sissy was already pregnant when she arrived at Timber Creek. Mum couldn’t argue about that. The baby wasn’t Liz’s fault. Liz said she thought we all knew the father was someone at the station because Sissy must have got pregnant at Christmas time when she was at home for the school holidays. Hearing the Pommie say that made Mum real angry. She hit the roof. She shouted, ‘Get out! Just go, will you?’ I heard the Pommie say, ‘I didn’t know what to do – I’m sorry.’ I guess Mum didn’t want to hear it though. She shouted, ‘I said GO!’
It went quiet then in the dining room, so I opened my bedroom door a crack. There was no one there. I could hear Mum on the radio in the kitchen. She was telling Dad he had to come home straight away. I felt sick. I wanted to go and tell Sissy – to warn her. But I was scared. I knew Dad would blow his stack when he heard what she’d been doing. I ran to my bedroom window to see if I could see Sissy somewhere on the station. I wanted to shout for her to run, to just get in a ute and run away. I couldn’t think what else to tell her to do. I couldn’t see her anywhere. I was wondering how much trouble I’d be in if Mum caught me looking for Sissy outside, when I heard the door to the dining room open.
Mum said, ‘Ah. Just the person I was looking for. You’d better sit down, young la
dy.’ I heard Sissy try to ask what was going on, but Mum just said, ‘Gil Smith.’ I guess Sissy knew then that the game was up and tried to run because Mum shouted, ‘STAY WHERE YOU ARE! YOU ARE GOING NOWHERE. NOWHERE. YOU HEAR ME? Your father’s on his way home right now.’ Man. I had never, ever heard Mum shout like that before. It made all the hairs on my arms stand on end, my belly flipped too. I felt scared. I guess Sissy did too because that’s when I heard her start to blub. Quietly, though. Not like normal. I wondered what to do. Things were going to get a lot worse once Dad got home, that was for sure. I sat on the end of my bed, near the door, which was still open a crack, and waited.
I dunno how long it was that I sat there and listened to Sissy whimpering, but it felt like about a year. When Dad eventually arrived he slammed the door to the dining room shut, so I knew straight away he was annoyed about being dragged back to the station when he was busy with the fellas. I swallowed hard when he said, ‘Well? What is it? This had better be good, I’ve got better things to do—’ But he never finished because Mum told him to sit down and listen.
I heard Dad scrape the chair back on the wooden floor. I couldn’t see him properly through the small gap in the door, just his left forearm. But I was too scared to open it any wider. I could tell he was resting his elbows on the table, like always. He said again, ‘Well? What is it?’ Sissy had stopped whimpering by then and there was this silence, while I guess Mum worked out the best way to tell Dad Sissy was a gin-jockey. Eventually she said, ‘Danny reckons Sissy has been sleeping with Gil Smith.’ Then there was silence.
Dad took his elbow off the table and put his hand down. ‘Sissy?’ Silence. ‘Sissy? Is this true?’ he asked, real quietly. Sissy must have nodded her head because she didn’t say anything. But that’s when Dad slammed his hand down on the table and said, ‘NO. NO WAY. A GIN?’ Silence. ‘Jesus Christ.’ Silence. ‘The little mongrel!’ Silence. ‘I am going to break every bone in that little bastard’s body. You hear me?’ Sissy was crying again then. Dad stood up and started pacing around, slamming his hand down on the table and shouting, ‘No! The mongrel!’