I had hoped that Laura might show up first, but as usual, it was Allie who came early. “My mom dropped me off,” she explained. “She was on her way to work, but at least I didn’t have to pedal over here and get soaked on my bike.”
“Great.” I smiled. “I haven’t had any lunch yet. You want something to eat?”
“Sure.”
So as we were putting together some meat-and-cheese sandwiches, Laura arrived. “We’re in the kitchen,” I told her as I hung up her coat in the hall. “You hungry?”
“Yeah, I’m starved. I had to go into work early and didn’t even have time to eat breakfast.”
“I didn’t know you have a job. Where do you work?”
“At my aunt’s vet clinic. I used to just wash the animals—talk about a stinky job. But I just got moved up to the reception desk.” She shook the rain off her coat. “I’m saving up for my own set of wheels.”
“Cool,” I said as we went into the kitchen.
“Saving for a car?” said Allie. “Just how old are you anyway, Laura?”
I laughed. “Didn’t you know that Laura’s a sophomore?”
“Yeah, I guess. But still, wouldn’t that make her only fifteen?”
“I turn sixteen at the end of the month,” said Laura.
“That’s not fair.” Allie frowned. “My birthday isn’t until summer. Man, I won’t be driving for like forever.”
“Mine’s in March,” I told them. “I can’t wait to get my license and a car of my own.”
“Well, when I get my license and then my car, I promise to take both you young’uns for a little drive, okay?”
Allie made a face.
I glanced at Laura. I was eager to tell her my news but wasn’t quite sure how to start. “You guys ready to go upstairs?” I asked.
“Can we take the rest of the food up?” asked Allie.
“Sure.”
Up in the poolroom, I started picking on my guitar, just dinkin’ around while they set up. Then I began playing with a song I’d started working on yesterday about how I’m changing because of Jesus.
“Is that something new?” asked Laura as she plugged in her amp.
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m still working on it.”
“I like its sound,” said Allie. “Not as gloomy as some of your other stuff. Why don’t you teach it to us.”
“Really?” I looked at Allie. “You think you’d like it?”
“Yeah, sounds like it’s got a good beat.”
“Okay, I’ll play it and you can tell me if you still want to learn it.” And so I began.
something happened to me—
something that might seem absurd
something i didn’t expect, like
something that i’d never heard
and now i’m laughin’ and smilin’
cuz my head’s all rearranged
cuz something happened to me,
something that brought on this change
and now i can’t be the same
i can’t think the same old way
and, ya know, I’ve got Jesus to blame
cuz He entered my heart—
He entered my heart to stay
ya see, something’s changing in me,
my heart is open wide
something’s shining in me,
and now I don’t wanna hide
cuz now i’m singing and dancing,
and i’ve never felt so free
cuz now i’m in love with God
and i know that He loves me!
I stopped playing and Laura started cheering and clapping wildly, but Allie just sat there like a stone. Her face looked like she’d been punched in the stomach or eaten a bad mushroom or something.
“That’s as far as I’ve gotten with it,” I said as I rested my guitar against my leg and waited.
Then Allie whacked the cymbals with a drumstick. The loud clanging sound shattered the quiet in the room, and then she swore and hit the bass drum. “You gotta be totally kidding, Chloe!”
I shook my head. “I’m not kidding, Allie.”
“No way!” She stood up now, looking big and tough despite her petite stature. And her blue eyes looked like hot flames that wanted to burn this place down to the foundation. “You cannot do this to us, Chloe! You simply cannot do this!”
“Allie,” began Laura. “You don’t know—”
“Do not speak to me!” She pointed her finger at Laura. “You—you are probably what’s behind this whole thing. It’s all your stupid fault!”
“Allie, it’s not Laura’s fault. Like my song says, it’s Jesus’ fault. It’s God’s fault. But, really, it’s not a blame thing, it’s a good thing. Honestly, I’ve never in my whole life been this happy before.”
“Oh, you’re totally deluded. Can’t you see it? It’s like you’ve been abducted by aliens and they’ve given you a complete lobotomy. This is not really you, Chloe. Can’t you see it’s all wrong?”
I laughed. “I’m sorry, but you’re the one who’s wrong, Allie. This is really me. This is more me than I’ve ever been me before. I feel as if I’m a whole person now and I like it.”
“Arrgh!” Allie grabbed on to her hair like she wanted to pull it out. “I cannot believe you, Chloe! I cannot believe this! I thought you were cool. Now you’ve gone and done something—something like this!”
“Allie, calm down,” said Laura soothingly. “Just chill, girlfriend. I want to hear what Chloe has to say.”
“Fine!” Allie sank onto the drummer stool and glared at me with clenched fists, but it was like I could see a pair of angry fumes shooting out her nostrils. And she wasn’t even smoking (I don’t allow her to smoke in our house).
“Okay, then. Let’s see. It all happened yesterday.” I began. “But I guess it really started a while back …” And then step-by-step I took them through the story of my graveyard conversion, which I happen to think sounds like a great title to a song.
“That is so cool,” said Laura when I finished.
Allie just growled. “Nice story, Chloe. How long did it take you to make that one up?”
“Are you serious? Do you really think I’d make something like that up?”
She shrugged, but her expression looked as if it were carved into stone. “It can’t be true.”
“Why not?”
“Because,” she said slowly, staring into my eyes as if she thought she might be able to hypnotize me, “there is no God.”
I stood there for a long time just looking at her. And really, she looked so sad and pitiful, sitting there with her borrowed drumsticks and her little-girl-lost expression, that I almost had to laugh, but thankfully I didn’t. “You know, Allie,” I finally said, “I used to think that exact same thing. And I guess I was almost as surprised as you when I found out I was wrong. But as your friend, I swear to you, this is the truth.”
She sighed. “Maybe for you.”
“But I don’t see why you’re taking this so hard,” I continued. “I mean, it’s like you’re taking it so personally. Why is that?”
She shrugged again. “I don’t know.”
“Do you think it changes anything as far as our friendship goes?”
Without looking up she nodded.
“But why?”
She took a deep breath. “Because Christians don’t hang out with witches.”
“But we’re friends, Allie.” And to my complete surprise I went over and put my hand on her shoulder—and I have never been a touchy-feely person. It seemed kind of strange yet right, all at the same time. “And nothing is going to change that. I don’t like you any less now that I’m a Christian.” I paused as something occurred to me. “In fact, I think I actually like you a lot more. To be honest, I think you used to kind of scare me before.”
She looked up. “I scared you?”
“Yeah. The Wicca stuff you talk about never really made sense to me, and I think it kind of scared me.”
“But it doesn’t now?”
<
br /> “Nope.”
She frowned. “Why not?”
I had to think about that for a moment. I mean, I knew it was true, but I wasn’t sure how to begin to explain. Then it hit me. “Because I know that God is in me now. I know it for a fact. And I know there’s nothing bigger or stronger or more loving than God.”
Laura started clapping again. “Amen! You go, girl!”
I smiled. “But I still want to be friends, Allie. You’re not going to dump me now that I’m a Christian, are you?”
She looked down at her lap again. “I guess not.”
“Okay then. And I still want to make music.”
She scowled. “Yeah, but I’ll bet you’ll only want to make Christian music from now on, and I can’t stand that stuff.”
“The truth is I don’t even know what Christian music really sounds like. But I want to do music that means something to me as well as the people who hear it. And I still want to do my old songs because they’re part of me, but I’d like to do some new ones too. I think it takes all of them to tell a complete story. And to me that’s what music is all about—telling a story. Does that make sense?”
“I guess so.”
“Are you going to be okay now?”
It almost seemed as if some of the anger had left her eyes. “Maybe. But it still feels like you pulled a fast one on me.”
“Well, why don’t you just hang loose and see how it plays out,” I suggested.
“Yeah,” Laura chimed in. “Minda like the music. Just go with the flow and see how it sounds.”
“You guys ready to do some jamming now?” I asked.
So we played for a couple of hours. And by the end, Allie seemed a little better, but she still had a kind of glazed look when we finished. Sort of shell-shocked maybe.
“You wanna ride home, Allie?” offered Laura. “My brother’s here to pick me up.”
“Sure,” said Allie in a flat voice. “That’d be nice.”
“Nice?” I whispered in her ear as I opened the door.
She almost smiled.
Poor Allie. She won’t have a chance with all of us praying for her now. I know Laura is already praying for her, and probably Willy at the church too. Now I’ll put Josh and Caitlin on her trail, and that poor girl won’t have a chance. But won’t she be glad when it’s all said and done?
When Josh and my parents came home, I was perusing the classifieds again, in search of the perfect guitar. I’d circled a couple that looked promising. One sounded affordable and the other was probably too expensive.
“What are you looking for, Pumpkin?” my dad asked as he flopped down on the couch beside me.
I glanced at him curiously. He hadn’t called me Pumpkin in years. “Oh, I need an electric guitar.”
“An electric guitar?” I nodded. “And an amp.”
“Sounds as though you and your girlfriends are getting serious about your music.”
“Yeah. We’ve talked about becoming a band someday, but I’m still not sure. The thing is, I can’t really even jam with them with just my acoustic. I get completely drowned out.”
“I can see how that could happen.” He leaned over and looked at the newspaper. “So, did you find anything of interest?”
“Actually, I found a couple.” I peered up at him. “And I thought I could take enough out of savings to pay for half and then maybe, uh, maybe you and Mom could …”
“Help you out?” He smiled.
I nodded. “Half on a cheap guitar isn’t really too bad.”
His brows lifted. “You really want a cheap guitar?”
Just then Josh came in and sat across from us. “No one wants a cheap guitar.”
I laughed. “Yeah, no one wants one, but sometimes she’s happy to get one if that’s all she can afford.”
“It’s a waste of money,” said Josh.
Dad looked at Josh. “You know much about guitars?”
“I know that when we were trying to put together a band, Chris Ferris started out with a cheap guitar, and it was only a matter of weeks before he wanted to upgrade.”
“Well, that makes sense to me,” said Dad.
“What makes sense?” Now my mom came in and leaned against the armrest of Josh’s overstuffed chair, a hand resting on his shoulder and a smile on her face. “What are we talking about?”
“Chloe wants an electric guitar,” said Josh.
“What’s wrong with your old guitar, honey?”
“Nothing. It’s a great guitar, but it’s not electric, Mom. And when I jam with Laura and Allie, I get blasted away.”
She nodded. I could tell she was in an exceptionally good mood since Josh was home. “I can understand that.” She looked over to Dad. “You know Chloe’s been really helping out around here lately and keeping her room clean.”
Dad laughed. “Looks as though she’s been planning this for a while.”
“Actually, I had been,” I confessed. “I thought I’d really work you guys too. But now that I gave my heart to God, I don’t really want to manipulate anyone. Besides, I’ve got enough money in my savings to buy the cheap one without any help.”
“Yeah, but we already decided that you should go with a good one.” Josh winked at me.
“And you told me that your mother and I could go in halves with you.”
“I know, but …”
“Oh, Stan, why don’t we just pay for the whole thing?” Mom smiled at me. “When was the last time Chloe asked us to buy her anything?”
“That’s right, I didn’t cost you too much in school clothes.”
Mom frowned. “Don’t remind me of that, Chloe. It doesn’t really work in your favor.”
“Sorry.”
“Have you called about these guitars yet?” asked my dad.
I stood up eagerly. “No, but I can.”
“Well, Josh is right. Don’t waste your time on the cheap one.”
And so to make a long story short, I made the phone call, my dad wrote the check, and Josh drove me over to the ritziest neighborhood in town to pick it up. And it’s so beautiful. It’s a Gibson in glacier blue and in mint condition. The guy who sold it to me said that his parents had gotten it for him during a guilt trip and that he’d never even taken lessons. Now he wanted a snowboard instead. I took it up to the poolroom and plugged it right in and tried it out. It took a while to figure out, but after I got everything balanced just right, I invited Josh and my parents up and played them a couple of songs.
“Wow,” said Josh. “You’re really good.”
My dad nodded. “I didn’t realize we had a budding musician in the family.”
Even ray mom seemed to like it, although I could tell she thought it was too loud, but then she’d had a headache today.
All in all, it was a great day. Even the stuff with Allie can’t get me down because I really think it’s just a matter of time until she comes around. I even managed to get through on the phone to her tonight to tell her about my new guitar. I think it cheered her up to think we’d still jam together and hopefully sound even better than before.
i wish i knew a language
to express more adequately
my newfound appreciation
for what You’ve done for me
if i were a river,
i’d pour myself out
if i were a star,
i’d burst in the sky
if i were an ocean,
my waves would shout
if i were a volcano,
my lava would fly
but i am just me and all that i am
every breath every heartbeat I give
every thought every dream everything in
between
is Yours for as long as i live
i love You, God.
cm
Nine
Sunday, October 13
I went to youth group as well as church with Josh today. And while it was a little overwhelming, it was kind of fun when my brother introduced me to his f
riends in the youth group. Because for the first time in a long time, it felt as if he was actually sort of proud of me. That felt good.
It was different being in a church setting again, but I have to admit this church isn’t like the one my parents used to drag us to when we were kids. It felt more relaxed and comfortable. And there’s an assortment of people—from all walks of life. Plus I really like Pastor Tony and the youth pastor, Greg. Oh, I probably didn’t agree with everything I heard today, but does anyone? I imagine I’ll still question things, but, hey, I think God can handle that.
It was cool seeing Caitlin there too, with her friends Beanie and Jenny. And it was weird how they all seem so much older than before. I guess college does that to you. But it felt to me that something was slightly off between Caitlin and Josh. She appeared to be acting a little chilly toward him. I hope they’re not breaking up or anything. I know they’d never admit to anyone that they’re “involved,” and I suppose they’re officially not since Caitlin believes it’s wrong to date (at least for her; she tries not to force her philosophy on others). But I happen to know they love each other. It’s written all over their faces whenever they’re together. But today it seemed as if something was wrong. Still, I’m not worried. I know that God is big enough to straighten them both out if necessary (listen to me—the brand-new Christian acting as though she knows it all!).
The pastor (Tony) is Caitlin’s uncle—actually he married Caitlin’s aunt. And Caitlin introduced me to her aunt today. Her name is Steph, and she has a preschooler named Oliver and brand-new baby named after Pastor Tony’s deceased brother, Clay Berringer (the same guy whose grave helped me to find Jesus). Steph said that she’s been looking for some reliable baby-sitters, and I said I’d be glad to come whenever I can. Then she asked if I wanted to hold her baby.
“Sure.” I reached over and took him from her, careful to support his head the way my neighbor showed me with Mason when he was tiny. “He’s so small,” I said to Steph.
She smiled. “He’s grown almost a pound already.”
I looked into his big dark blue eyes and thought it’s almost like you could see God or eternity or something just incredibly amazing in there. But I didn’t say those words out loud. I’m sure it would’ve sounded strange, and I didn’t want Steph to think I was too weird. I mean, I’m not exactly sure how Christians are supposed to act. And in some ways I’m not even sure that I care, because I don’t want to act like anything. I just want to be. Besides, I wasn’t even totally sure what I was thinking at the time, something sort of indescribable. But there was definitely something beautiful in that little boy’s eyes.
My Name Is Chloe Page 8