“I’m sorry, Al. I don’t know why I said all that. Please, forgive me. I’m really, really sorry.”
She sniffed but didn’t answer.
“Allie?” my mom called up the stairs. “Your mom’s here to pick you up.”
“I gotta go.”
“I’m really sorry,” I said again. “That was so stupid—”
“See ya.” And she took off down the stairs.
Right now I feel like a total noodle-brained, jerk-head ignoramus. I’ve already prayed and asked God to forgive me. And I’ve tried to call Allie about a hundred times, but as usual her line’s always busy. I wonder if they don’t just leave that thing off the hook. Anyway, I can see how easy it is to fall into that old pharisee trap. Sheesh, I’m as bad as anyone. What right did I have to say those things or to be so judgmental? I know that’s not what Jesus would do. I mean, it’s not as if He’d tell her it was okeydoke to be a witch, but He sure wouldn’t tease or pick on her. And He would definitely love her. Somehow, I’ll try to patch it up with her tomorrow.
EYES WIDE SHUT
let me see myself as i really am
just a stumbling, bumbling fool
foot in my mouth, a stupid ham
spitting out words incredibly cruel
help me, o God, to understand
the way that You want me to live
cover me now in Your gracious hand
i beg you, Lord Jesus, forgive
amen
cm
Ten
Friday, October 25
Try as I might, I can’t seem to patch things up with Allie. And it sure doesn’t help that she’s not talking to me. I asked her if she was coming over today to practice drums, and she just gave me “the look.” The look is when she narrows her eyes and tightens her facial features and basically tries to freeze you up with an icy stare. It’s pretty intense and I wonder if she isn’t chanting some kind of secret witch spell in her head, although she’s told me over and over that her witchcraft isn’t to hurt but to help. Still, I wonder. Not that she scares me, because really she doesn’t. Mostly I feel sorry for her because she seems so lost most of the time. And now I’ve gone and alienated her.
I’m really praying that God will help me break through to her. For some reason it seems like an important friendship. I’m sure music has something to do with it, and she’s really gotten pretty good on the drums. But there’s more too. And it makes me sad to think I could be losing her as a friend. Even Cesar seemed concerned at lunch today.
“What’s the deal with you two?” he asked me after Allie stormed off.
“I said something stupid.”
He leaned forward with interest. “What?”
“Oh, I kinda made fun of her witchcraft thing, and it hurt her feelings.”
He laughed. “Hey, we make fun of you and your Christian thing all the time, and you seem to take it pretty well.”
I smiled. “Yeah, well, maybe that’s because ‘my Christian thing’ has made me a lot happier than the way I used to be.”
“Yeah, I’ve kinda noticed.”
We were the only ones at the table now, and it was almost time to go to class. But for some reason I felt I was supposed to say something. I just wasn’t sure what. So I asked God (silently, of course) to help me. “Yeah, I wasn’t enjoying life too much before.”
“You were a pretty gloomy girl.”
I laughed. “It’s like everything just seemed so hopeless and futile and basically cruddy to me.”
“And now it doesn’t?”
“No. Now it’s like everything’s different. But I realize that I’m the one who’s changed.”
“My mom’s pretty into religion. She goes to Mass all the time and would never dare to miss her precious confession. But I haven’t been inside the doors of the church for years. It really makes her mad.”
“Well, the truth is, I’m not too crazy about the whole religion thing myself.”
He looked puzzled.
“I mean, I’m still not sure what the purpose is for all these church denominations, or why they’re all different and why some don’t get along with others. I think that’s pretty weird, and I’d really like to know what God thinks about the whole thing.”
“I never thought of it like that—like what would God think.”
“I just don’t think it’s what Jesus intended,” I said.
“What do you think He intended?” “I think He’d like for us all to just live like He did.”
Just then the warning bell rang and Cesar picked up his backpack. “I’ll get kicked out of algebra if I’m late again, but you know, I’d really like to continue this conversation. You wanna get together for a Coke after school or something?”
“Sure, I’ll meet you out front.”
So we met after school and walked down to the McDonald’s that’s nearby and sat in the corner to talk some more. “You probably shouldn’t take anything I tell you too seriously,” I warned him. “I mean, it makes sense to me, but then what do I know? I’ve only been a Christian for a couple of weeks now.”
“But what you were saying about religions makes sense to me. One of the reasons I quit going to church is because I got sick of all the rules. I mean, why does it have to be so complicated?”
“I don’t know. It seems like if we do things God’s way, it should be simple. And His way is to believe in Jesus and invite Him into our life. Other than that, I’m not reading much in my Bible that talks about churches or denominations or any of that stuff. Of course, I’m only reading the words that Jesus said.”
“What kind of Bible do you have?”
I laughed. “It’s a regular one. But it has all of Jesus’ words written in red. A friend of mine suggested I just read those to start out. And so that’s what I’ve been doing. And it seems pretty straightforward. Jesus mostly talks about simple stuff like treating other people right and forgiving others and helping the poor and loving God with your whole heart—stuff like that.”
He nodded. “Well, I could probably get into that. It’s just all the other rules and regs that mess me up.”
We talked a little longer then he had to leave for work. He’s gotten on at Home Depot like he’d hoped and is working about twenty hours a week now. “It was good to talk about this, Chloe,” he said as we parted ways. “It gives me something to think about.”
“Cool.” I waved and headed toward the bus stop.
WHY, WHY, WHY?
why do we make complications
full of foolish implications?
why the choice to convolute
when all it serves is to dilute?
what is real and right and true?
just love Jesus—He loves you
why so many denominations?
legal dogma, rules, citations
wall us in and breed more fear
conform or you are outta here!
why not choose simplicity
and turn from our duplicity
love and learn to forgive
Jesus, show us how to live
amen
cm
Sunday, October 27
Laura was totally blown away by her surprise party yesterday. And it turned out pretty cool if I do say so myself. To my surprise, even Allie showed up. Although she was still wearing a highly visible chip on her shoulder. Just the same she was civil to Laura, even if she was decidedly chilly toward me. I have a feeling that the only reason she came was so it wouldn’t look as if she had boycotted Laura. I don’t think Allie wanted to look like the bad guy. She left before anyone else and somehow managed to avoid saying more than a few words to me. But I was glad she came. And I hope that means she’s softening up a little.
I’ll have to admit the highlight of the evening (for me anyway) was when everyone crowded into the poolroom and we played a couple songs for them. They just clapped and cheered like we were the greatest. Then everyone kept saying how we should cut a CD. As if! But who knows? Maybe someday.
Laura found me in the kitchen as things were drawing to an end, and her eyes were just gleaming. “Chloe, this was so great! No one ever threw me a surprise party before.”
I smiled and rinsed some sticky frosting from my hands. “Well, then I’d say it was about time.”
“I was surprised that Allie showed up after the way she’s been giving you the chill-out lately.”
“Yeah, me too. I guess her coming has more to do with you than me since she barely spoke to me, as I’m sure you noticed while we were jamming.”
“I was wondering if she was ready to dump us both.”
“I hope not. I think I’ll try to get together with her tomorrow and see if we can’t hammer this thing out. I don’t think I can take another week of her being mad at me.”
“Good luck, Chloe. I’ll be praying for you.”
So today after church, I called Allie, and amazingly her phone rang and she picked it up. “Can we get together and talk?” I asked, hoping she wasn’t about to hang up on me. I wouldn’t put it past her.
“About what?”
“About this whole thing—about being friends.”
“Friends?” I could hear the skeptical tone in her voice.
“Yeah, despite what you think, I’d still like to be friends.”
She didn’t say anything for a while. Then finally, “Okay, I guess we could talk.”
“Do you want to meet somewhere?”
“I can’t. I’m baby-sitting.”
“Baby-sitting?”
“Yeah, my little brother.”
“I didn’t even know you had a little brother, Allie.”
“Yeah, well, there’s a lot you don’t know about me.”
“How old is he?”
“Eight.”
“What’s his name?”
“David.”
“So is it okay if I come over?”
“Sure, whatever.”
I knew the general location of her apartment complex but had to ask for specific directions. Then I hopped on my bike and headed over. It was a pretty run-down complex, and their apartment was located on the first floor directly in front of a parking lot that some of the kids were using as a makeshift playground. I knocked on the door and waited for her to answer.
She opened the door and said, “Come on into my palace,” in a very sarcastic tone.
The apartment looked tiny with a kitchen and living room crammed into ‘less space than my entire bedroom. But what caught my eye was the little boy sitting on the floor. I could tell right off by the almond shape of his eyes and the size of his head that he probably had Down’s syndrome. I have a second cousin with the same thing. Her name is Katy and she’s a little sweetheart.
“You must be David.” I knelt by the boy.
He looked up and smiled then held out a wooden block in his little hand, as if he wanted me to take it.
“Thanks.” I said, sitting next to him. “What’re you building here?”
“House.”
So I stacked my red block on top of his yellow one, and then he clapped his hands together.
“You don’t have to do that, Chloe,” said Allie in an exasperated voice.
I looked up at her. “I know that.” Then I picked up another block and set it on the others, and he clapped again and then handed me another. I set it on top, then handed him one. “Now your turn.”
Slowly, he set the block on top. The stack teetered but didn’t fall, and now I clapped my hands. “Good job, David.” Next he handed me a green block, but when I placed it on top, the whole thing toppled and David’s eyes grew wide. But I just clapped my hands and laughed. “Kaboom!”
“Kaboom!” he said.
Allie sat on the couch and leaned forward, her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. “So, did you come all the way over here just to play with David?”
“Maybe.” I stacked my block on his again and waited.
“Well, now that you’ve seen my mansion, I’m sure you’ve got better things to do than hang around here.”
I turned and looked at her. “Allie, I’m sorry I said those things to you. Will you please forgive me and give me another chance to be your friend?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know why you even want to be friends.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’re like totally different. And I figure’ you’ll dump me sooner or later anyway. Maybe sooner is just better.”
“I don’t know why you think I’ll dump you.” I stacked another block.
She shrugged again. “Because that’s what usually happens.” She waved her arms. “I mean, look at how I live. Me and my mom and David all crammed into this cruddy little apartment. My dad’s not even paying child support most of the time, and my mom’s barely scraping by working as a clerk at Albertsons. Not exactly your Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.”
“You know … I’ve told you over and over, I don’t care about that.”
She leaned over and looked directly into my eyes. “Well, I do!”
“That’s your problem.” I put another block on, watching as the tower teetered.
“That’s right!” She stood now and walked into the kitchen. “That’s my problem. And all I have are problems, problems, problems. My life is just one great big problem!”
“Just because you don’t have money doesn’t mean you have to have problems.” I watched as the tower tumbled again, and this time David said, “Kaboom!”
“How would you know?” Her voice was so loud that David’s, eyes grew wide, and he seemed slightly frightened.
“Hey, you want to turn down the volume for the sake of your little brother here?”
She looked over the counter at me and sighed. “Sorry, Davie.”
“Allie, I’m sorry you guys don’t have a lot of money. But it’s not the end of the world. And I’d still like to be friends with you if you’d just—”
“But what about Wicca? I know that you hate my being involved in it.”
I stood up now. “I have never said that.”
“But I can tell.”
“Well, maybe I just don’t get it, Allie. I can’t see how Wicca is making your life any better. And frankly you don’t seem too happy to me.”
“You mean just because you’re on this whole ‘I’m so happy to be a Christian’ trip.”
I shrugged. “Hey, it works for me.”
“Does it really?” She was studying me closely now, as if she was looking for something wrong, some flaw or imperfection she could point out and pick at.
“I’m not saying life’s perfect. But something is definitely different inside of me. Something that was broken or empty or missing or whatever isn’t anymore. When I asked God into my life, something changed. I mean, really changed. I guess maybe you can’t see it. Or maybe you don’t want to see it. Or you don’t like it. But I am different, Allie. I know it. I feel it. I believe it.”
“It’s just unfair!” She whacked her fist onto the counter making a coffee mug jump.
“Unfair?” I shook my head.
“You have it all. You have rich parents—two of them actually living together! And you have normal brothers—”
“Well, at least one.”
“And you’re a great musician, and you want a new guitar and Daddy dearest just goes out and buys you one. And then you decide it’s cool to become a Christian, and so you do and you make it look like that’s all easy and great—”
“Hey, wait a minute. You can paint this thing any way you want, but that doesn’t make it so. My life hasn’t been all perfectly wonderful. I was so messed up last year that my parents considered sending me to a private reform school. My older brother is strung out on drugs. My parents both work and have such active social lives that I hardly ever see them. It’s only recently that I’ve even felt like they love me, and even that feels a little conditional. So don’t start acting as if everything’s all peachy-keen as far as my life goes. I know your life’s not the greatest,
but it could get better if you’d let it.”
“Let it?” She laughed. “Just idly sit by and see what’s coming my way next?”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Well, the reason I got into Wicca was so that I could take some control over my rotten little life—so I could make some changes and actually get somewhere.”
“And is it working?”
“I thought it was working, at first, when I started getting involved with you and into music. That was the first really good thing that had happened to me in ages.”
I thought about that. “Okay, I don’t want to step on your toes here, but will you hear me out? first of all, I didn’t become friends with you because of Wicca. In fact, it used to really weird me out that you were involved in it. And if I hadn’t become a Christian, I probably would’ve dropped out of our friendship by now.
“Second, getting into drumming. My brother Josh has pretty much given you that drum set, but if he thought for one minute that you thought it was because of Wicca, he’d take it right back. Believe me, I know him well enough to know that’s true. He’s a pretty conservative Christian, and he wouldn’t like being connected to anything that has to do with witchcraft.
“Third, your free drumming lessons are from a Christian guy who’s got a good and generous heart. And that also has absolutely nothing to do with Wicca. So, for you to go around giving witchcraft all the credit for the music thing-well, that’s just plain ludicrous.”
She didn’t say anything.
“In fact, if you think Wicca has anything to do with your music, then you probably shouldn’t even want to be playing with me and Laura since you know we’re both Christians. Wouldn’t it upset your karma or whatever it is you call it?”
Her head was hanging down now, and I realized that I’d probably, once again, gone too far. “Look, Allie, I’m sorry if what I’m saying hurts your feelings. That’s not my intent. I’m just trying to tell you the truth.”
She looked up at me and she was crying again. Now I felt totally rotten. What was wrong with me anyway? “I’m sorry, Allie.” And then I started to cry too. “Man, I don’t know why I let my mouth just take off like that again. Honestly, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
My Name Is Chloe Page 10